Ever wonder....

what is wrong with your spouse or significant other that they stick around? I'm having a bad day thanks to lack of sleep this week and I keep thinking that my husband must view one of his exes as the one that got away. She's been a CEO, worked on Wall Street and now has a very successful consulting company. I'm bipolar and a librarian. I know I have other good--really, really good--qualities but still....I can't help but think my husband must think about her and view her as the one that got away. He says he doesn't--that I'm the only woman he wants and will ever want--but days like today that's pretty hard to believe. I don't ask for reassurance and keep this stuff to myself as much as possible. I guess when I'm dealing with the cycling and the mania and the mixed states I feel like a major thorn in this side and that he must feel like he made a mistake when he married me.

Why do I have thoughts like this even though he's told me time and time again that he loves me, doesn't want anyone else, never will want anyone else and that he's not going anywhere? Why does bipolar have to screw with my mind like this?

I've seen suggestions elsewhere that depending on the intensity of an "incorrect" belief it could be considered delusional, but I have no idea how that line would be drawn.

I can't tell you how to get those thoughts out of your head, but I can tell you how I banished them from mine. First, I know I'm a million times better than my hubby's ex, no matter how screwed up I am, because I am good to him and for him, and she wasn't. So that one's easy. I'm clearly superior.

But I also know that I don't compare very well to the girlfriend he had just before me: she double-majored math/physics in 3 years with a 4.0 and got a high-paying job and bought a house within a year of graduating. Me? I barely made it through my math degree in the usual 4 years, struggled to get passing grades in several classes largely due to undiagnosed bipolar and ADHD (despite taking college-level math courses in HS and being a valedictorian with a perfect GPA), was wildly emotionally unstable at the time, and got a job as an AmeriCorps volunteer when I graduated (read: extremely low income, on food stamps, etc.) with no real career plans or ambitions at the time, or for several years thereafter. But she rejected him (after he'd bought a ring but before he'd proposed) and he seems to have very much gotten over that with 12 years of my undying adoration. So I don't worry about it. Again, I'm clearly the superior player because I could give him something she obviously couldn't.

Yeah, I'm a real pain. A lot of the time. But I am utterly confident that my better qualities outweigh all the craziness. My husband and I have a very strong relationship, and I completely trust him. It makes me more vulnerable, but it also means that I'm not subject to this particular flavor of insecurity (just several others...)

I run myself into the ground with worry over "does my husband love me" " had he known I was Bipolar BEFORE we got married would he have run away very quickly" blah blah blah the list goes on.

My Husband tries to understand my Bipolar but he cant really understand why I get all flipped out and paranoid at times.

I have a HUGE fear that once I get a "lil stable" he will just end our marriage .. I have spoke to him about my fears numerous times , He assures me that he has no intention of doing that and he cant understand why I continue to to keep doubting .

It could have to do with my first husband cheating and leaving me or just that it seems alot of bipolar people have " abandonment issues" that is something my T and I are always working on.

If your husband reassures you that you are the one he wants to be with ,,then Try Try Try to believe in that.

I know from your posts lately you seem to be under a ridiculous amount of stress and then the added stress of the holidays ... (((hugs))))

Maybe you need a tweak in your meds or maybe an additional medication??

Becca, I wonder that all the time. My SO has a successful career that's taking him places and his ex was working on her master's in biology as well as some other things. I don't do anything that I feel can compete with that.

So what I try to tell myself is that it isn't a competition. We are fundamentally different people, and while he may have been attracted by a couple of similar qualities... well, we've been together for six years and he's been with me both unmedicated and not. So I feel if he was going to leave me, he probably would have done it.

That isn't to say I don't beat myself up about it though. I have the exact same question in my head more than I'd like to admit. So you have my sympathy and understanding. If he's reassuring you that you are the one for him, try as hard as you can to believe it, and to tell yourself that the evidence is in your favor. Wishing you well.

You know what? Nothing is wrong with a spouse that sticks around. There is something very right with a spouse that sticks around.

And I can tell you I was married to a guy who made a lot of money and blah blah blah. I divorced him because he wasn't the guy for me. I don't regret that. Even though now I'm poor, I am with the man I love with all my heart. That is way more important, and I'm saying this coming from being totally destitute, thrown out of my own home, having to eat at food banks, etc. Because the truth is, being with the right person is way better than being with the wrong person who has money.

And, I can tell you my mom had cancer pretty much my whole life until she died. I don't remember when she didn't have cancer, I was just a baby. My dad could have easily ditched her because her treatments were so expensive, she was in constant pain, they never got to live the dream they had when they got married, etc. He could have ditched her for another woman who was healthy. But he didn't. He stayed at her side right to her very last breathe. And even now he misses her. He just said the other day that he thinks about being reunited with her after death all the time because he misses her so much. And that was almost 20 years ago since her death!

So, I don't think anything is wrong with a spouse that sticks around. That's what marriage is. "Sickness AND Health" not or health. It is the people who ditch their spouses because they are ill who are the ones that have something wrong!

I never worry about the "one who got away" I can't even get that far out of my way. I just get "stuck in a loop" as my boyfriend calls it thinking that he's an idiot and he doesn't deserve my madness, he's too good for me etc.

I comes down to the fact that' I am insecure. I don't love myself enough so I don't except anyone else to either. It's not that there's something wrong with them, it's that there's something we can't see in ourselves.

Its the mania that makes you think like that. I get to thinking while manic, and convince myself my boyfriends cheating... Try to keep yourself in the mindset that he married YOU for a reason. If he wanted someone else he wouldnt have married you!

Plus, I know nothing about your situation... but be glad he supports this angry disease we have. Its hard to find someone who will stand by you through tough times like this... Since he is, please try and relax those thoughts. He obviously loves you, and isnt going anywhere... Manic or not

I have the same thoughts all the time. It can really eat at you, I know. I asked my husband about 5 or 6 months ago if he still would have married me if he knew about the BP. He had to stop and think for a minute which really bothers me and then he said yes he would.

I know he loves me though because whenever the option of divorce is brought up, he is in tears, so I do know that he loves me.

He always says to me lately that he is so proud of who I am now, and how far I have come. I know he loves me.

You have to try to believe your husband when he tells you he loves you because, if he didn't, he wouldn't stick around, would he? He does love you. Try to remember that.

Thanks, everybody. I'm trying to remember that today. He stayed up with the baby last night while I tried to get some sleep, the baby was fighting sleep and crying for a couple of hours and it seems now he's mad at me for not staying up. He's also made it clear he's having a bad day. I think ten minutes ago was the first time I heard him talk to the kids in a way that didn't involve yelling or acting like they are a thorn in his side. He's barely spoken to me except to complain about the kids and hasn't even kissed me today, which always means he is royally pissed at me. I told him the kids and I don't mean to ruin his day. He said it wasn't the kids and me. I told him I would stay up with the baby tonight. He snapped at me with, "All I need is for you to end up in the hospital" and then wouldn't speak to me again. Translation: my bipolar has ruined his day. Days like today it's hard to believe he doesn't regret staying with me and that he's not here because of the kids. Oh well. This too shall pass.

Becca,

It sounds like to me your husband does indeed love you. But it sounds like he has problems handleing stress like most of us, mixed with poor communication skills. If he were better able to communicate his stress and feelings with you I'm sure you would have a much easier time having faith in his love.

I'd feel hurt if I was talked to in that manner as well, and I have been. . I'm sorry your dealing with this. Remember that he might not know how to communicate efficiently and that is nothing personal or to do with you. I don't know how open your husband is to things like therapy or self help but perhaps he could read a book on the subject or something. I have no idea how to get men interested in this kind of stuff tho.