[felix-]

Had manic phase this summer, in Sept fell into depression. Got stuck there until I agreed to lamictal/seroquel just before Christmas. Am still working up to proper dose. Feel empty & hopeless a lot of the time. Wonder whether I will ever get out of these bad feelings, get back to a sense of my true self. Feel scared sometimes, mentally lethargic a lot of time. Feel guilty & sad over my manic behavior.

[Trippin2.0]

Hugs to you (if it's ok) i hope your meds kick in soon, and also i hope you can learn to forgive yourself.XOXO

[AniManiac]

It really seems like it takes forever to get Lamictal up to a proper dose. You'll have to give it some time; I know I'm feeling very impatient with it myself, but it's starting to help now at 100mg. My brain isn't so slow as it was, I wake up much easier in the morning. I hope you start to see some improvement soon!

A lot of bipolars feel guilty about their behavior - are you in therapy? Maybe it would help to spend some time thinking about what part of that was you and what was the illness? I have forgiven myself of a lot of things once I realized it was really the illness and not me. When I feel "normal" (rare as that is) I don't act that way at all.

Welcome to PC - I hope you find it helpful. It's a very supportive community.

[felix-]

dear Animaniac, thanks for writing with such sensitivity & good sense. i don't know how to manage or navigate this website---it all seems v. complicated. but i appreciate your affirmation. i do see a therapist, but in recent months, i feel too blank to make much of the sessions. life seems to be trickling away so quickly & i just can't get started or moving. this of course makes me feel bad & it is a downward cycle. i feel v. internally disorganized. wish i could pull myself together. did have a good night's sleep last night however.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by felix-

dear Animaniac, thanks for writing with such sensitivity & good sense. i don't know how to manage or navigate this website---it all seems v. complicated. but i appreciate your affirmation. i do see a therapist, but in recent months, i feel too blank to make much of the sessions. life seems to be trickling away so quickly & i just can't get started or moving. this of course makes me feel bad & it is a downward cycle. i feel v. internally disorganized. wish i could pull myself together. did have a good night's sleep last night however.

Take your time exploring the PC site - it's big and complicated, and I'm still figuring out new things on it. The forums are where it's at, in my opinion. Sometimes I read things in the other mental health support forums here and feel lucky to not have those illnesses or challenges!

I completely know what you mean about time just vanishing so fast, and feeling like you haven't moved an inch. That's a lot of what motivated me to go to a doctor for a dx and keep at it for treatment, even though I was feeling OK by the time I got to it. Well, that didn't last once I started changing meds around and now it seems like a rollercoaster all the time - but slowly getting better. And now I do have some hope that I won't end up in the situation (again) where months pass and I've gotten no work accomplished and I'm miserably depressed and everything just seems to get worse and worse.

So even though some days I feel like I rocked the boat for nothing and now I'm sinking, other time when I have a little more insight, I realize that as difficult as it is to take f-o-r-e-v-e-r to get meds right, there's a much better chance that things will go smoother for me in the future. I guess it's a mix of faith and hope that's easier to cultivate as you start to see some improvement.

Another thing to remember is that you're not doing nothing, and you're making progress, even if it doesn't feel that way. Getting treatment is not a quick fix for us, but more of a long-term investment, and sometimes it takes awhile for that to pay off. But keep at it - for most of us, things improve a lot with treatment.

[Beebizzy]

Hi Felix,

I just wanted to welcome you to PC. I'm sorry to hear you are so low at the moment.

I also wanted to let you know that I have had great success with Lamictal, if that can be encouraging for you. I started taking it in September and I have been feeling much better since December. I have an anti-depressant too (but of course this can be risky with BP) which I am slowly weaning off now.

The meds do need some time to kick in unfortunately and it can be hard to 'keep the faith' until that happens, but when it does you should feel much better.

I do hope you feel better soon, keep us posted.

BB

[felix-]

dear Beebizzy, Thanks for the encouraging lines. I've had a decent day, despite the empty feelings. 3 people in the "regular" world emailed me. Since I hadn't heard much from any of them since I was manic this summer, I was wondering whether they were still friends. I have much self-distrust at the moment. I'm taking a gamble on the prescriptions--can hardly believe I will get some good feelings back. But tomorrow I see the prescribing doctor, who I think will up the dosage of each (seroquel & lamictal). I note that you say you are "bipolar II." That is what Dr says I am, but I at times wonder whether I am really worse than that & just cover up well. I am a bundle of anxieties & fears at the moment. anyway, i do appreciate your reaching out. felix

[felix-]

dear animaniac, your post to me is very empathetic & caring, given that in the side-box you say you are having a rough time lately & your mood is "cold." Does that mean "empty"? You are doing a nice job of reaching out, & I hope it will warm you up, as your post was very warming to me. I want to feel constructive again, & it is hard to wait for meds to kick in, or put in the long-term investment. But that is what I need to try to do. Hope your rough time smooths out a bit. Thanks for the affirmations. felix

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by felix-

dear animaniac, your post to me is very empathetic & caring, given that in the side-box you say you are having a rough time lately & your mood is "cold." Does that mean "empty"? You are doing a nice job of reaching out, & I hope it will warm you up, as your post was very warming to me. I want to feel constructive again, & it is hard to wait for meds to kick in, or put in the long-term investment. But that is what I need to try to do. Hope your rough time smooths out a bit. Thanks for the affirmations. felix

Cold means physically cold! I allow the heat in the house to shut off for most of the work day which means I'm cold a lot. I'm tempted to rethink that policy and just pay the higher utility bills because I'm tired of my nose, toes and fingers getting cold while I work.

I have high hopes for things smoothing out too. I get to increase my Lamictal tomorrow and I'm very optimistic that I might be getting close to a good therapeutic range for me, since I've been substantially more functional with each increase. But I also have a lot of stress that's not going to improve for a few months, so I don't expect any miracles.

Hang in there, and come post here whenever you need a shoulder. We're here for each other.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by felix-

I note that you say you are "bipolar II." That is what Dr says I am, but I at times wonder whether I am really worse than that & just cover up well.

As you might see discussed elsewhere in these forums, bipolar I is not necessarily worse than bipolar II! As a very broad generalization, they vary more in terms of which pole you spend the most time at than severity per se. With BP I, mania is more pronounced, and psychotic symptoms are sometimes involved. With BP II, depression dominates, but it can be harder to identify because hypomania is not as obvious as mania. In either case, it's a tough set of symptoms to handle, but some meds are better at suppressing mania while others are better at alleviating depression - Lamictal is one of the latter, which is part of why it's one of the first choices for BP II.

Those definitions are just the current diagnostic guidelines, however, and they are going to be revised for the next version of the DSM. So then we can all have new labels, and be extra confused/confusing!

[Beebizzy]

How's it going today Felix? How was the doctor's appointment?