[beauflow]

So --- I have not been a "regular Beauflow" for a few months, bouncing around,

I hear recently (last 2 weeks or so) have been getting the thoughts of no one liking me again, people wanting me to go away OR they are out to get me to make my life hell, and that I need to just go away (disappear by any means) and so on. Hell earlier I thought for sure my boyfriend is planning on some how to make it where I have psychological break down (He is a good man, and loves me, but I think this still). Another thing when I was thinking my boyfriend is tryinig to push me over the edge-- I some times have this persona of me of "I'll prove you wrong!" (this comes about ever so often, it is not always me, though I am a problem solver most days not matter what, but this cocky personality of proving people wrong is not a norm for me; it is partially what causes hostility) On top of it really agitated, aggravated, hostile at times.... I get some urges that are not "the usual" with me; but yet I keep those at bay. Also high anxiety is in the cards lately, and downs of worthlessness as well at times, but yet I can be cocky... *I am meaning in the last 2 weeks with all of this by the way*

Here is the Trigger Button part:
The wanting to confidently commit suicide has dissipated. it is still idealization and yes still a thought it would be better off for the world (my boyfriend and people around me)- however I am not tapping my veins up getting ready to cut them. here lately something kicks me in the butt to let me know this is not the way and gotta keep trying. (T knows about this btw and as well gathered with the other things in the last 2 weeks).
-reason why before 2 weeks ago of not getting that job done was due to my boyfriend was around- He can't save me, and he would not leave alone after the first trip locking myself in the bathroom..... (i think that can explain that right?)



I know the Sanity Score thing is not something to use as a bible with things, but I do find it odd that I today- I did it and Schizophrenia is a concern on the chart; as well as the usual Bipolar, PTSD and some times concern with *Anxiety and Borderline. Bipolar out of all is always the highest (and it is what the Pdocs and T has dx me with as well).

Is it possible of Bipolar with Psychosis? (I don't hear voices (only my own and that was few days ago when I had a lot of anxiety going in my head- like 10 or so me's in my heads murmuring things) and I don't see things- i don't think) I think the people out to get me, against me and maybe some other things added to the high Schizophrenia score today,. I do at times get "some what delusional" with thinking as I have posted in other areas but will try to explain a little. (world is not real- people are not real- that sort of stuff- and not real as in I am a project to some one or thing at points.. Illusions as well (could be trust issue); etc)

Or this is this just the normal rapid cycling for me?

Bipolar 2 does not reach psychotic features, and that (bioplar2) is what my current label is-- I see T and Pdoc next week- perhaps I will print this out for them to read.
Sorry I edited thinking if per chance i needed to explain a few more things- which probably just confused the whole situation as that is what happens normally-- and I am not sure why, I am at a lost with why it confuses the whole situation.

[argv]

I can only say from my experience, that when people start to crowd me in, I get really irritated. I don't like being the center of attention, and actually try to avoid it, unless I'm all manic'd out and am bouncing off the walls, but then I just don't give a crap.

I'm not sure what end of the scale I'm on as far as BP I or BP II. I've done some pretty crazy things in my life, and always just thought I was special or something, but I'm just kinda thinking about some weird little ticks I have, like the 'voices' in my head that aren't very nice. Also my crazy *** dreams, and occasional extremely violent thoughts.

I've managed all my life, to keep my life extremely simple. There are a few things I really like (like burrito's!! I love burrito's!!) and music, but beyond that, I just work and sleep. I used to go to the bar to get my fill of social interaction, but I can't do that anymore, so now I'm on here. haha

[Kymaro]

ah, "get my fill of social interaction" haven't felt that in a while. Nice thought.

[beauflow]

I don't know if this is a social interaction thing or not-- I guess so.

I am still bouncing on this side.

And T did not care to hear about this and said that last Monday was last session (basically- no in so many words she did).. I don't get this woman- but whatever.. I have complained about that enough... in a different thread.

I think it is partially irritability (which is a common for me).. the paranoia (which T agreed with that it is paranoia), IDK-- and it is continuing partially into this week.... some of it now reflected on T- but i think that is a trust broken issue as well with her.

Any ways thanks for you replies-- hope you both well too.

[LadyTammy]

Yes, it is possible to have Bipolar and Psychosis. It is common to have more then 1 infliction, not just Bipolar.
Hang in there, hun. And if you're not getting the answers you need, or the connection you need to feel comfortable with your therapist or your P doc, be willing to change until you find who makes you feel better with...whom it's easier to share and discuss things with.
Hope this helps.

[Rose76]

(((((beauflow)))))

You sure have been having a rough time. I had no idea. I wonder if you can step outside of your head for a little bit and see if there is something going on, or not going on, in your life that is stressing you big-time.

Of course your mind is in your brain and the brain is in the head. So I'm not really trying to say you are too much in your head. Well, else can you be - when you get right down to it. I'm struggling to find words. Is something outside of you going on that is affecting you in a hurtful way? Did something happen years ago that was hurtful and that left a wound that never healed? I don't mean you should necessarily tell us on this thread. I mean for you to ask yourself, and answer to you, yourself.

I just happen to remember you, from past exchanges, as a person with a darn good mind and a pretty decent sense of balance about things. I think the word I'm getting at is - well, I remember some very "mature" ideas that you verbalized to me in the past. Now, more than what I remember in the past, you sound like you are under some horrendous stress. So I am thinking something changed in your life. Or that something that you kind of had a grip on slipped out of your grip. ???

Mainly, you are too nice to feel this darn bad. But it happens. I wish I could do something more than type words here. However, that is what we do here at PC, and it can do a lot of good sometimes. I get the feeling that, somewhere along the line, you have been treated in a way that was not too good. Maybe, a wild guess on my part. I am hoping for improvement in how you feel.

Rose

[beauflow]

((Rose)) Thank you for your kind words
And LadyTammie thanks too- Yeah I realize more can be to a dx, than just the primary one- shocked when they put "severe" PTSD on me too, but I accept that one more than the Bipolar some days.. i am odd though

Rose-
Yeah, this was about a month ago that this whole stuff was going on badly and the T thing... I still at times am bouncing with the paranoia stuff- but maybe that was a norm and I just did not realize it and it was worse at the time of this thread starting- I was told first went into therapy August 2011- it was not paranoia but a trust issue .. and the Therapist agreed paranoia this Feb 2012...... but whatever, I just wanted ways to cope with it.

At some points I can step out side of my head, It is always a good thing to do .. Other times not so well.. but it does happen eventually- Some times talks with my boyfriend help with getting out of thoughts.

I have to wonder too-- 01/30/12 I stopped taking the meds cold turkey as suggested by the T and Pdoc, and 02/10/12 is two weeks-- if perhaps it was still effects. The Lamictal for me was just bad, and they just had me on that with nothing else-- I know the T said that I sounded manic at points on the Lamictal .. unfortunately my Pdoc appointment was after the T thing on 02/13 and I sort of flipped out and just cancelled the Pdoc appt as well that was going to be on the 17th of Feb.... Sorry if that was a bad move but I just at this point was tired and felt hopeless still of getting help needed.... The Anti-psychotics scare me some times, i have done enough damage to my brain.... but then again when I was on the Lamictal i think if I saw the Pdoc while on it, that I would had went on anti-psychotics for I was pushing for that with my boyfriend though I am against it in "regular land of Beauflow" for the most part

As far as Past wounds- yes and maybe no-- I try to push through things from the past, realize that maybe why Hurt on some subjects is due to it brings up things from the past for me, and so on... Maybe they are resolved and maybe they are not truly ever closed, but I am not sure...

But ya know I am 25, I have realized for a while now that I have had issues (weather big or small), and I think even with out therapy (or if one day with therapy again)- I work on these things since I am a little introspective/self aware sort of things and am trying to be better.
I think the last T liked that but then did not like that about me.... but oh well.

This March month has been ok- still bouncing around a little but it is ok..

The strange thing with all of this that even though it was really bad in January and February-- there were some good things too-- Even IF i was manic, with staring my little side shop of crafts and paintings and arts--- It is good- for a I have stuck to it and have continued to create....

Maybe another time in my life I will try therapy again-not sure... I want to get back into school this year-- and work is stressful now, which could be a contributor.

Thanks all again- sorry for the babble

[Rose76]

beauflow - one of the best therapies, I think, is simply being committed to some project and making a go of it - that could be some college courses, or any kind of courses. That could be showing up at your job, or having a business. I think mainly it needs to involve having to show up some where, at a certain time of the day, being productive in some fashion, and being held accountable in some way like by having to earn your grade for the course, or your money for the job. And it needs to involve having to collaborate with other people in some fashion. (We are social animals, and I believe much of what is troubling us has its roots in some interpersonal strife, or pain from somewhere in out past.)

To be honest with you, I think that sitting alone in a room one-on-one with someone who seems to be always challenging you can be kind of dead-end. My belief is that no one can argue me into a higher state of wellness. The last therapist I had, who was really smart and sensitive, said that Therapy in modern America rests too heavily on the belief that we mainly need to become more logical. For that reason, he was not a big believer in Cognitive Therapy. (At least not for someone like me.)

Many PC members here do seem to find going to their T's to be extremely valuable for them. I totally believe them. I just am not convinced that it is all that valuable for everyone, especially not for someone who finds that going leads to feeling more upset. For a person like that, maybe like you and myself, I think more interaction with other people, from whom we can possibly get positive feedback, is what is really needed.

It can be cultivating new friends (I am not good at that.) or it can be in the context of something structured like school, tennis lessons, volunteer work at the local Humane Society, or whatever. (I do better with structure.) Mainly, we do need the opportunity to get to know others, whom we might eventually be able to share more of ourselves with (not necessarily the deepest traumas of our life.) In regards to the deep traumas, I feel kind of positive about support groups set up specifically for persons with a certain problem, or history of a particular trauma/tragedy.

I would advise being somewhat wary of professionally moderated support groups. Everyone ends up in competition for the approval of the moderator. Some of these groups may be wonderful; I'm sure that there are some that are. I was in one that was awful. A peer there spent weeks telling us how horrible a mother she had. Then, one week, she announced that "Rose reminds me of my mother." I ended up in tears, feeling that I was a repulsive human being, and the two moderators there said that there was no good reason for me to become as upset as I became. I am much more trusting of peers working together on their own. Even there the quality varies a lot from group to group. You have to shop what's available.

If you possibly can, go back to school this year. You are at a wonderful age to be in school. Just becoming a more all-around educated person can give you better thinking tools with which to handle your problems yourself.

I'm glad you are still with your guy. Through what you say, I have always been impressed with the supportiveness you seem to find in him. I think you also need a BFF, or even just a few acquaintances whom you can go for pizza with or talk on the phone with now and then. Maybe you have them, IDK. If not - work on getting hooked up socially. That will make or break your life, I promise you. Good Luck.

Out of this, take what you find of use and just leave the rest.

Oh, by the way, those ant-convulsants and ant-ipsychotic drugs come with not just little piddling side effects, but some real potential to harm you. Unless you see yourself deriving notable benefit from them, don't be over-impressed with the promise of "mood stabilizing" that gets touted to you. At least, while you are on the computer, do a bit of research into the risks/benefits. I believe that no one can medicate trauma away. It must be loved/respected away - I think. You need to be loved, and you need to have others to love. I use the word love, not in the real intimate sense, alone - but in the sense of good fellowship with others who like you and whom you like. Even the right job can provide a lot of that. Take care.

[beauflow]

Rose -- I think you hit something on the head with me...

when i was a kid- I was one of the odd ducks-- School was my escape from home... I was allowed to indulge and get lost in the studies, projects and all with school and forget about home... I did this till my late teenage years, And to be honest it was not till my senior year that I started to realize I -- I truly believed there was no way for me to go to college--- it did depress me, i felt let down by a lot and felt like i wasted time with it all-- and other things as well--- Drugs were curioisty thing of mine for a long time but did not touch them due to I had seen addicts in my own family.... but I eventually did fall off the cloud on that and I dove right into that life-- spent about 5 years in that life...... Even though a drug addict when I started this job, I was still very indulged in the job- and still can be even though cleaned up and being furloughed (that is another story though).

This March month has been a little blah-- BUT i have noticed, that with me doing my art and projects at home, I have not been so quick to go off the handle.. or be depressed as I would be over things if a different time... I still get a little down, but it sometimes passes quicker....

I think you and I do relate a lot-- Keeping me busy seems like a good thing-- lol my boyfriend says sometimes that-- Oh no you have been left with nothing to do and left by self with your self for too long-- he is in a way picking on me, but it is in a caring way- and to be honest can't get too mad for it is true with me... As you mention in one reply here- get out of my head some times.... and that is sometimes hard.

My boyfriend has suggested as you have said-- Go out with friends... Maybe go see an old hs bud that I still keep in contact with that is nice and he has meet too... or there was a co-worker that used to be at work, that he said- go - go out with her-- the sad part is-- She sends me invites to do things with her and her gf .... and i deny them for some reason.... I am not good with this all.

I tend to feel funny with people that I have not seen for a bit, weather it be months or years.... And strangers.. ehg.. I so unsure of myself some days (not sure if it is an identity issue or what) but just that i don't like it, but then there can be other times that there is a new person at work- and I am like HI hey- wow Hi - I am Beauflow, what is up- so where you work before here, well this is that and this and all....

I just can't seem to be that way in life it seems like.... idk...

But thank you and sorry for the ramble again-- geez talkitive lately on here again

[Rose76]

That guy of yours sounds like the best thing that ever came into your life. Oh, at times, you probably feel fed up with him and think he doesn't really understand how you feel. Well - gals who tell me all the time how their guy is "just the best" and how they feel totally understood and wouldn't change a thing about this paragon of virtue . . . well, they are likely living in La-la land and headed for a deep plunge into an unkind reality.

Regarding what is good for you, it is possible that what you say and what your boyfriend says are BOTH correct. When you talk about "keeping busy," you are not indicating a mindset where you are just flitting around. Doing things that are meaningful for you, and that allow you to be productive, is not "busy work." That's how humans are meant to behave, especially at your age. Much later in life, it becomes natural to spend more time in the recliner following the news on TV and more time just sitting outside and just watching what's going on. Your boyfriend says that, when you feel out of sorts, it is because "you have been left with nothing to do and left by yourself and with yourself for too long." I'll bet you a hundred dollars to a nickel that he is quite correct. Oooo, I think that fella has got a very wise noodle. There is really no contradiction between what each of you say. I would say you are both right.

Idleness is not your style. Some people think being able to vegetate is a great luxury. That's not how you sound. But you can't just continually be busy in an isolated way. Oh, you can do that, but I guarantee you that the long term effect of that is not healthy. It truly is sad that you routinely turn down the "invites." And a routine is what it has become. You get pushed out of your comfort zone when you socialize because - why? Sounds like a touch of social avoidance, and avoidance is basically anxiety driven. Unhealthy. And gets worse with age. (Believe me, I know.) Break that habit like you would smoking cigarettes or taking drugs addictively.

Anxiety can only be treated by controlled exposure to what makes you anxious. The exposure must not be overwhelming, but it will be a trifle uncomfortable and seem to not get you anything - at first.

It's not true that you are "not good" with interacting. You wouldn't even be getting those "invites," if you were a total stick-in-the-mud or seriously inappropriate with other people. You just lack confidence. You are afraid of two things. #1) You are afraid of feeling foolish by, maybe, saying the wrong thing or becoming boring. #2) You are afraid that, if you let these people into your life, they will want to hang around you more than you would like and, then, you might have to put up with that, or have to deal out some rejection to someone - so why get involved in the first place.

That is all theory, on my part. But, I would bet money on it. They are not good reasons to keep away from others. Any reason you have is not a good one, though deep down inside you really believe it is.

In the presence of other people, you will say the "wrong" thing from time to time, and you will become a little tedious to listen to now and then. That is true of every human being wandering around on planet Earth. Why should you be any different. You're not. No one is. Once I listened to a good tape by a motivational speaker called: "You Are Not Different!"

Also, if you let people more fully into your life, I guarantee you that they will become pains in the butt, at times. But, the alternative to putting up with that is WORSE. Unless, it is your calling to become a hermit, and that is true of a few, but not too many, people, you will see intoversion causing your problems to get worse over time, no matter how much Therapy, and no matter how much medication, you get. Except you won't know what is causing that deterioration. I know all this from having lived it and from having lived long enough to see what happens to other people over a long span of time when they routinely isolate.

Just some food for thought.

[beauflow]

(((ROSE))) Thank you soo much...

You do hit a lot on head of the nail with me so to speak. and you would have some cash with your bets . lol

LOL yeah I get mad at my boyfriend at times, and yes many times feel he and no one else understands me-- I have even thought with leaving and all..... but he does one great thing-- talking..(and ya know the therapist was good at seeing that as well with how I talked about him even though at times complained, and she said he is a good thing right now and I agree).. and he tries to find understanding if we are not on the same page... and yeah we have had a few fights, but to be honest, he is the first person I have met (including friends that I have had) that we don't fight all the time, even though we may both be mad, we usually take cool off time and come back and talk..... it is really odd... Well I guess it is not that odd--- but it is strange for me, due to upbringing and even teenage friends as I had when younger.

I understand what you are saying about going out there and being interactive-- and you did hit a lot of on the "why not do it"/excuses at times... And maybe it is all anxiety but some thing else feels more in with it-- and it could be just anxiety/fear

I can see as time goes on it being worse- to be honest I know someone very close that I see that product of... and it is hard for them to go out, even with simple things.. they have trouble even switching to a gas station that they don't know very well due to anxiety of new places. They have trouble with going to movie theaters.. but I still try to get them to come out to the store to go shopping once in a blue moon... I try to take what strength I have in this dept. and encourage them, but then again I am not the best example for I too don't go out that much and it is like just food shopping and craft shopping at that extent.

I will try expose myself.... I know fear of things is what causes the anxiety, and that I need to rid of the fear by going and doing what I fear if that makes sense

Baby steps right

[Rose76]

". . . we don't fight all the time . . . we usually take cool off time and come back and talk . . . " Stated above.

THAT (see quote above) is as good as it gets!!