[touchingsaturn]

ok, so, i know what's causing the depression today.. it's really a combination of things... stress of an upcoming move, good stress from over the weekend of having seen my dad again for the first time in six months, negative building anxiety over returning to work next week after a five week medical leave of abscence, overexposure to allergens over the weekend, it being "that time" of the month, and having run out of one of my antidepressants this morning... but knowing this is not helping much to ease the effects of the depression... it is here... and even though i know i should not give in, i have basically given up on today.. just waiting for it to end and desperately hoping for a better tomorrow...

usually when i can step back and identify what exactly is causing my mental state swings... i hesitate to call them "mood swings" because i think the overall understanding of the word mood has a different conotation than our (as sufferers of bipolar disorder) understanding that it truly is a shift in our entire mental state.. not just a "mood" thing... anyway, usually when i can tell what's causing it, it helps me to deal with it more effectively... kinda empowers me to "take charge" and do something about it...

but today, i just don't care... i don't care enough to want to feel better... or to do anything to get myself to feel better... even though i know there are things i could probably do that would temper the effects of the depressive state i'm in... baaaaahhhh... that aggravates me... do you ever just feel so bad that you don't care enough about yourself to do anything to change how you feel so you'll feel better enough about yourself to proactively encourage a more positive mental state...

i don't know what the point is of my posting here, other than hoping that "getting it out" and talking through it will help me realize and want to get up and do something about this state in which i currently find myself...

for the record, i know very well there are some things i could do that might help... such as force myself to work out, triggering an endorphin rush, i could force myself to get up and get dressed and go outside in the sunshine... drive around and force myself to listen to music that typically serves to amp me up and lift my mood... forcing myself to get up & dressed etc & invite a friend over or even just reach out and call a friend... finding something ridiculously funny on tv that requires no thought at all... puruse the forums & find someone else out there who is needing encouragement... taking myself out of my head enough to try to help someone else... i know any one of these things or any combination of these things would only serve to lift the depression thats sitting on me right now... but i just don't care enough right this second to FORCE myself to do anything...

even seeing myself type these words, there is a part of me that cares... but it's so much easier to collapse in upon myself... give up for the day... wait for sleep to come & hope for a mental reset when i wake in the morning... i'm angry with myself at this moment that i don't care enough about myself to get up and "fight" for myself...

and ya know, i am a rapid cycler, so i know i'll probably be ok within a few hours or by tomorrow morning.. and even though i'm looking forward to that moment with everything that is in me.. i dread the guilt i know i'll feel when i actually feel better... which is something i have yet to figure out...

i always feel guilty when i go from depressed to just fine... like, if my mental state can change just like that, then it must really not have been that bad in the first place... which logically, i know is a falsehood...

frustrated. feeling defeated... even worse, feelling self-defeated.

hoping i feel this way --->... again by the next time i post...

[touchingsaturn]

do you ever just feel so bad that in the moment you don't even wanna feel better... even though you know, logically, that you do actually want to feel better... somewhere inside... it's just so deep that you don't readily connect to it...

[Irreplaceable]

I'm a rapid cycler too...And I think that this is why I, like yourself now, at times don't care about changing my mood. Either because I don't have the energy or I'm being aloof or I know that my mood will change anyway in another few hours. If not, by tomorrow I should be "ok". I just let it take over. Depening on where I'm at mentally when I feel like this...

If you're a rapid cycle, you should be fine...Should don't beat yourself up or get too depressed. Just the thought alone of impending responsibilities and or doom is enough to send me into a whirlwin.

"i always feel guilty when i go from depressed to just fine... like, if my mental state can change just like that, then it must really not have been that bad in the first place... which logically, i know is a falsehood... "

That quote is the trickyness of this disease. Now that I have an understanding of all that is going on in this head of mine, it makes me more aware of what's going on with me, but I can't help at times to think what you quoted. The moods flipping from back and forth is confusing and plays tricks on your mind....

[touchingsaturn]

thank you.. so much.. just for being you... for "getting it" without me having to write an encyclopedia for you to know where i'm coming from... that's SUCH a huge gift... just reading your words lifted a huge weight from my chest... knowing i'm not the only one that reacts this way to these things...

i just posted on another thread, that my wish for myself today... is that i'll activate that part of me that cares enough about myself... to get out of the way of my getting on with feeling better... b/c i know at this particular moment... i'm the ONLY one standing in the way...

really makes me tilt my head to the side and wonder, why ... how do our brains do this to us?? LOL my favorite t-shirt basically holds true: "sometimes i amaze myself"... more like bewilder myself... just step back and look in on my life and shake my head and exhale...

i'm just glad i'm not alone. thank you again...

[BuggsBunny]

Originally Posted by touchingsaturn

do you ever just feel so bad that you don't care enough about yourself to do anything to change how you feel so you'll feel better enough about yourself to proactively encourage a more positive mental state...

Yep. I can certainly relate to that, because I land there frequently. So I allow myself one day to feel like crud, hide under the covers, watch reruns of west wing, and not communicate with anyone. But one day is the limit. Now, since you are a rapid cycler, you might not want to let it be a full day, Maybe allow yourself a certain number of hours not to care, then force yourself to do the things you mentioned.

[touchingsaturn]

thanks buggs i guess i never really considered that it's not the end of the world if i just give myself the time to go through it occasionally... i don't give in every single time depression comes my way... most times i try to figure out ways to combat it & get up and fight for myself ... and though i wasn't aware, in a way, i guess i was seeking permission... to not fight this time... i feel like reading your post and irreplaceable's about not beating myself up... i'm not so mad at myself now... the frustration part is lifting/resolving... and i'm already recovering...

thanks again to you both

[touchingsaturn]

do you find it physically exhausting... the cycling??

it's so hard to explain to someone who doesn't deal with bipolar... and i know i can't possibly be the only one... but it drains me so much physically when i go through the ups & downs... that there's not much left of me by the time i'm recovering... just wondered if you experience anything similar??

[Chihuahua]

Jip had that today, can also I'd some contributing factors- going to work tomorrow not seeing the doc today, feeling guilty leaving baby again. But as you said I just wallowed in my misery and enjoyed it, feeling like everything is wrong. And yes tomorrow is probably gona be better! ONE DAY AT A TIME is my motto!! By reading your post it sounds like you are on your way to recovery, thanx for posting - keeping it real.

[touchingsaturn]

i guess i've been cycling all day... after my last posts, i came to a better place mentally, but shortly after, i found myself frustrated to be sliding back down again... hoping tomorrow is more stable overall...

my mom is bringing me my prescription tomorrow... i'm going to take a little extra geodon tonight & i'll be able to take all my meds at the right doses after mom stops by in the morning...

i'm determined to get up tomorrow and work out early on... have to take my dog to the vet tomorrow, so i HAVE to leave the house & be around people... hopefully that will be helpful