[RobertDark]

I am going through a divorce. It sucks, but as far as divorces go, easy. We don't own anything together and have no kids. Should be cut and dry, but it never is. I have gone back and forth on the divorce. I had a girlfriend who was awesome only to destroy that relationship to go back to my wife to try and fix it due to immense guilt. Rinse and repeat that cycle a few times.

I've been off meds since I left the wife and only recently dx'd with BP but it was always there. The meds I took worked well enough to keep me 'okay' for the 8 years I was on them, but since I was just dx'd as depressed (back then) it wasn't the best possible combo. None the less, I was medicated and good for my wife besides the lack of sex we had due to side effects from my meds.

Finally, here I am, strong enough to carry forward with the divorce so I am trying to work with her to end it at the next trail. If we can't agree to end it at the next trial, it goes to a final trial which is 90 to 120 days away (our court system is terrible, btw). I have given her almost $850 a month in various paid expenses since I left, pay her cell phone, etc. since I left last August. I have agreed to give her more money (in the low 4 figures) if she agrees to end it on July 30th so we don't have to go to a final trial.

Here is what I get....

"I deserve far better than that for all the years, 9, that I spent with you and dealing with your bipolar disorder putting much disorder in my being"

So.... I was medicated and somewhat stable for her. Never abused her (mentally or physically), was a rock for her, supported her while she lost job after job due to her inability to get anywhere on time.

I have taken ALL of our joint debt so she doesn't take any of it (this is in the low 5 figures), given her all that money since I left and offered even more. She has 90% of our possessions (I took a bed, a dressed and TV, that's it).

But it isn't enough because I was bipolar? Apparently those 8 years we spent together were torture for her even though she fights so hard to get me back sometimes?

Yeah, I have to consider how 'hard' it was to have a man support her and love her to best of his abilities, but I got zero consideration for the fact I put up with someone who was an alcoholic and mentally abusive to me for years.

Where did it get so twisted? It would be easier to just go back to her since she'd be slightly less mentally abusive. But I won't, I know how bad that is. Just not sure if I can survive the next few months while I wait for this to be over.

I called into work today, supposed to go to a baseball game tonight. I can't do it. I can't live like this, I guess I ruined her life even though I tried my hardest to be good for her.

[lynn P.]

((RobertDark)) - it sounds like you're being very fair and legally speaking there isn't compensation for emotional suffering. If there was I would be rich lol. Do you both have lawyers - if both can agree, mediation is a better route. I think she should happy with your offer. Divorce is very hard and process but try not to let her comments make you down.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think she is just using you, IMO. You took all the debt and you're giving her most of your income so she can maintain her lifestyle. You didn't take anything and left her everything.

This is def. hindsight bias. She is eliciting to remember HER version of what happened and neglecting to see anything negative she may have done to you. She is also using bipolar disorder as a reason to do this, but she doesn't really have justification for doing this. It sucks that you're a male. If you were a female and made complaints about abuse the court would be more willing to listen. People are less inclined to think males can be abused.

[RobertDark]

I am trying to not let it get to me, it's hard. Thank God I started on some pro therapy last week. It's not making me feel better, but it's getting me to slow down and think more instead of just falling into depression.

She does have a lawyer but he will not respond to my lawyer. I mentioned this in my group therapy last night and another person who went through a divorce said the same thing happened to him. They were trying to "Ice" him, knowing he was at times depressed and irrational, in hopes that he would give more and more and more to have it end. I think that's what happening here, she has seen how I've been and how my BP has effected everything. Maybe she thinks I'll flip again and come back, but I won't.

Therapy has showed me some things. The radical acceptance here is that I can't control this. I can't force her to take my offer. I can't make court go faster. I can just offer what I think is fair and leave the rest up to her/court. I know all that, but her words cut me so deep, it's amazing to me.

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

This is def. hindsight bias. She is eliciting to remember HER version of what happened and neglecting to see anything negative she may have done to you. She is also using bipolar disorder as a reason to do this, but she doesn't really have justification for doing this. It sucks that you're a male. If you were a female and made complaints about abuse the court would be more willing to listen. People are less inclined to think males can be abused.

Thanks for your perspective, I hadn't really ever looked at it like this. I obviously only gave the 20,000 view of what's happened, but I know I have not done her wrong or tried to leave her alone when i left. I supported her against paying down my debt and getting myself into a better position financially. It just kills me that A) It's not enough and B) She seeks to bring me down and she knows exactly how to do it. That is what she is doing it, I know it.

[Victoria'smom]

I know several people that their ex's use their MI to make them get everything! It has nothing to do with you. She ate you up, spit you, and took everything with her. We're here for you may want to look into divorcecare for a "in real life" support group. I'm sorry this is being rougher than it has to be.

[RobertDark]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I know several people that their ex's use their MI to make them get everything! It has nothing to do with you. She ate you up, spit you, and took everything with her. We're here for you may want to look into divorcecare for a "in real life" support group. I'm sorry this is being rougher than it has to be.

I've looked into that and need to get into it. It's at the Church I go to anyhow, but it's on Tuesdays and I have IOP Group Therapy for the next 3 weeks. I think after that, I am going to do Divorce Care, it's a great idea.

[Trippin2.0]

RD, sending many soothing s your way. Remember that no matter what filth she spews, you KN0W the truth. Stay true to yourself and DON'T let her bully you into paying more or going back to her. You deserve SO much better!

[Perna]

I would look at your wife rather than what your wife says about you (she's not you so what does she know?). What kind of person, who claims to have loved you, acts as she is acting, says emotionally hurtful things to, hopefully, take advantage of you, etc.? I'd work on my feeling of disgust and anger rather than let her words affect my heartstrings; she does not deserve to affect your heartstrings; you did not deliberately cause pain with your bipolar illness and "putting up with" is hardly a reason for deserving more. It's like that Klondike commercial where the guy "listens" to his wife for 5 seconds and gets a Klondike bar, a joke in the worst taste:

Money does not buy happiness/"putting up with". If she is going to be obstructive, quit playing along, being Mr. Nice Guy and get your lawyer to document her lawyer's non-cooperation and use that against her/them in court. Expose her less than helpful attitude, her true "gimme" spirit.

[hamster-bamster]

She put up with you BP. You put up with her alcoholism. Diagnosis for diagnosis. You are even.

This is half-serious, of course. Sorry to hear you have to deal with crap.

[RobertDark]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

She put up with you BP. You put up with her alcoholism. Diagnosis for diagnosis. You are even.

This is half-serious, of course. Sorry to hear you have to deal with crap.

Part of me very much so wants to reply with something very similar to that, but being in group therapy we were just learning about the whole 'opposite action' thing. So instead of going with the anger emotion and lashing out action, I just was civil and it actually made me feel better when I calmed down. I just said that it looked like we were far off on what we agree would be fair to end this, so we can leave it up to a judge. I do NOT want to wait another however many months this is going to take, but I cannot force her to take what I think is fair nor can I make court dates move faster. So I just have to survive this and I'll be better for it in the end. Still hurts to have someone who I thought loved me show that her love was very conditional on a lot of things. Oh well, that's why I am moving on.

[Trippin2.0]

Actually RD, if she does keep up the bp compensation talk, you could point out that in the name of fairness you 'deserve' compensation for the alcoholism. It doesn't have to be said with malice,in anger or out of frustration, you could use your dbt skills to centre yourself and calmly point it out as a logical negotiating point to bring up, seeing as tho you 2 are trying to have a fair divorce... My aim with this suggestion is not to hurt your soon to be ex, but to force her to look at the role she so clearly played in the deterioration of your marriage...

[RobertDark]

In theory, I agree with you 100%. All I can say is that she is extremely irrational and that type of approach will mean little to nothing to her other than her viewing it as an attack. Could I view her words as an attack? I can and do. Part of me doesn't want to stoop to her level and the instances I have (politely even) pointed out that she had issues as well, it never ends up well. I find that when I am the "bigger" person and let things go in one ear and out the other (after they ruin a few hours or days of my life, unfortunately) and I respond with a civil attitude, I tend to feel a lot better about how I handled it.

[Trippin2.0]

I hear ya loud and clear I know people with victim-complexes all too well. You compliment them and they're sure you insulted/attacked them. I really feel for you