[Moose72]

She pretty much wrapped up all we've ever talked about and managed to throw in some quick DBT and gave me that packet.

I was so taken aback at how intense it was. She mentioned my living situation- told me exactly what she thinks I need to do, but you all know how big of a deal it is to me. She mentioned my non-bf. She knows how big a deal that is to me, too. Too many ugly choices. Ugly ugly. Can't face them. When I left, she stepped on my shoe by accident. That's how I'll remember her. And as I walked out, I had to touch the wall and everything I could to get a new sensation from the sadness that was building up. The sense of failure. Five years and I'm still the same. By the time I was in the main waiting area, I hurried to the water cooler to get a cold drink before I started crying. I managed to make it all the way to the car before I did. But that was hard!

So I'm left with the name of a new T but no appointment. And I'm left with the same problems I've always had. Ugh. Have I made ANY progress? Am I a good person?

[faerie_moon_x]

I think you're a good person, Moose! I know your good to your kids, which is huge! And your advice is good and caring. I think you're a good person and I think you should not beat yourself up about "progress" because, life is hard and change is hard. At least you see the problems and acknowledge them and are working toward resolutions, vs. people who just deny everything and run on blindly, not caring what happens to anyone.

[Moose72]

That's why I'm upset, Dark. I have had 5 years and haven't made progress. It often feels like I never will. I spin my wheels a lot. I dunno if that's bp or if its just me.

I am HORRIBLE with goodbyes!! I couldn't imagine leaving my psychiatrist or psychologist! you'll get through! The fact that you WANT progress and WANT to get better makes you a good person. Never forget that!

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Moose72

That's why I'm upset, Dark. I have had 5 years and haven't made progress. It often feels like I never will. I spin my wheels a lot. I dunno if that's bp or if its just me.

Well, I think it is a lot to do with BP personally. I am horrible at change. But I also think it's human nature, too. You get to a place where you just are getting by enough that it's not a huge issue but it's not great either. Even if it's bad, it could be worse, right? So I think people get stuck.

I like that saying "better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." So, if you are really wanting to make the change, sometimes you have to light the candle, even if you're scared or stuck or feel unsure and not ready.

I'm stuck too. I get very stuck. And it's because I haven't been brave enough to light the candles around me.... You're not alone in being stuck.

[BlueInanna]

((Moose)) I think crying is a very appropriate response to losing your T after 5 years. I almost cried when this last one I'd only been seeing for 3 months broke up with me But why do you feel like a failure and haven't made any progress? Because the living situation is the same?

[bluemountains]

I don't know where you were 5 years ago, Moose, but from the posts I read you seem to be a very insightful person, and this knowledge and compassion had to come from somewhere.
I feel like with my t, I take 1 step forward, and 2 steps back. I have only been with her for 9 months. I just figured it is all part of the bp world.
I sympathize with your feelings after 5 years. I can't imagine how I will react, even knowing a relationship with a t is only temporary. I panicked when she said I was ready to allow 3 weeks between appointments!
I hope your new t can provide you with progress that will be satisfying. I know it is hard to accept the thought of starting all over.
Hugs!
Bluemountains

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

((Moose)) I think crying is a very appropriate response to losing your T after 5 years. I almost cried when this last one I'd only been seeing for 3 months broke up with me But why do you feel like a failure and haven't made any progress? Because the living situation is the same?

Yes. Because people keep asking me if I've moved out and I have to say no. It sounds like I'm a goof-off, or no-good human being. I try and try and try and get knocked down. T says i should try MORE.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Yes. Because people keep asking me if I've moved out and I have to say no. It sounds like I'm a goof-off, or no-good human being. I try and try and try and get knocked down. T says i should try MORE.

I don't know much about your home situation. Is it abusive or really bad? You know what, sometimes you just live where you can. Our society puts too much pressure on individual family homes. Life doesn't work like that for everyone...

Look at me... I live in a house owned by my dad for reduced rent due to being low income. And now my mother-in-law lives with me. Do you know how many people judge me on those things? But you know what? I go to work every day, I feed my kids, we've got a roof and warm bed to sleep in.... so it isn't the picture perfect "American dream" BS... That doesn't mean failure.

Unless your living situation is bad, then those people can mind their own business.

[Moose72]

It can be stressful here, I'll say that. And sometimes I feel abused and sometimes I think I'm overreacting and its the bipolar goggles, and sometimes I think I overreact because my T thinks I need more DBT skills.

I don't think anyone wants to date me if I'm living with my mom. If I can't help support anybody, even though I pay for my kids to give them a better life and teach them life skills and care for them-- unless I have my own house then I'm a failure. Unless I have a great job. I've added up the $ situation.... and yet my T suggested section 8 which I should've gotten on the waiting list 8 years ago. Not now!

And its not just other people- I've been asked to get out which only stresses me out. Nobbody seems to be able to help me figure this puzzle out. Its only "get a job". Genius.

[BlueInanna]

People sometimes don't get it how raising kids consumes all your energy. Kind of sounds like T judging you, and that's not right (sorry if I'm totally wrong). You're doing the best with what you got. You already have a hard situation, don't beat yourself up and double punish yourself. I live with my mom too, and the 3 kids. This is just our situation that works for us. People will still want to date you! And when you're ready you can go explore some of that. Try to reason through the idea that you're a failure... there's NO way that's entirely true. You do good things like going to therapy and teaching your children, and we all love you here xoxo

[Moose72]

Awww, blue! Thank you!!!

I do want to have my own place one day.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Moose72

It can be stressful here, I'll say that. And sometimes I feel abused and sometimes I think I'm overreacting and its the bipolar goggles, and sometimes I think I overreact because my T thinks I need more DBT skills.

I don't think anyone wants to date me if I'm living with my mom. If I can't help support anybody, even though I pay for my kids to give them a better life and teach them life skills and care for them-- unless I have my own house then I'm a failure. Unless I have a great job. I've added up the $ situation.... and yet my T suggested section 8 which I should've gotten on the waiting list 8 years ago. Not now!

And its not just other people- I've been asked to get out which only stresses me out. Nobbody seems to be able to help me figure this puzzle out. Its only "get a job". Genius.

I hate that whole "get a job." Gee, thanks captain obvious. I hate it when people think everyone should fit into neat little boxes. You know, not everyone fits into a box. Although the "obvious answer is ususally the right one" works in most scenarios, it always doesn't apply to human situations. People do the same thing to me all the time, so I understand how it is.

The thing I think that's important is to figure out what is best for you and your kids. Living with family is stressful. I have the stress of living with my mother-in-law. I love her to death (thank heavens for that,) but at the same time, I miss the alone time with my husband. At times, I just want space to myself that is not there now. Plus you know, all families butt heads. I personally think some families were meant to be villages. A house for me, one for you, and one for you, and we all take care of each other, but can still storm off if need be.

As for dating, just say you live with your family for health reasons, but don't be specific? LOL... But honestly, I think you probably just need to find someone who isn't judgemental. Hard to do maybe....

I think you do a fine job with your kids. I've thought that for a while reading your posts.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

I hate that whole "get a job." Gee, thanks captain obvious. I hate it when people think everyone should fit into neat little boxes. You know, not everyone fits into a box. Although the "obvious answer is ususally the right one" works in most scenarios, it always doesn't apply to human situations. People do the same thing to me all the time, so I understand how it is.

The thing I think that's important is to figure out what is best for you and your kids. Living with family is stressful. I have the stress of living with my mother-in-law. I love her to death (thank heavens for that,) but at the same time, I miss the alone time with my husband. At times, I just want space to myself that is not there now. Plus you know, all families butt heads. I personally think some families were meant to be villages. A house for me, one for you, and one for you, and we all take care of each other, but can still storm off if need be.

As for dating, just say you live with your family for health reasons, but don't be specific? LOL... But honestly, I think you probably just need to find someone who isn't judgemental. Hard to do maybe....

I think you do a fine job with your kids. I've thought that for a while reading your posts.

Thank you so much!

[~Christina]

Moose,
Im so sorry your losing a T after seeing her for 5 years ... If you really feel that you spent 5 years and have nothing to show for it ..maybe its time for a new T ? .. Im sure you have learned things over that 5 year period .. Your supportive posts on here tell and show me that your a wonderful caring person and focus on raising your children ..

I have seen your posts in the past where you were struggling with stuff but within hours or a day or so YOU fought your way back to some stable ground ... so whether you learned skills from that T ? or you have just learned how to cope on your own?

Regardless of where when or how you have learned coping skills ... YOU have !

So when your feeling down just remember your alot stronger than you probably think you are .

((( Hugs )))

[Moose72]

Thank you, Christina!

[Moose72]

I was told again today something I've heard before: "You worry too much". Ugh. Missed that one!

[BuggsBunny]

Hang in there Moose! You're doing the best job that you can with the circumstances you are in. You aren't the only one living with family. I always feel awkward trying to explain why I'm living with my sister and her family. I finally settled on "I'm disabled" with no further explanation. My own niece and nephew don't know about my psych history, no one down here does, except my sister and her hubby. But I feel sometime like I've made no progress because I can't live alone. I sometimes think of signing up for public housing, but I know I don't function well living alone.

You know, you could still sign up, if you wanted to. Sure the wait list is long, but you never know where you'll be or how you'll be when the spot comes open. And if you're in a better place, you can always turn it down.

Sorry you had to say goodbye to your T, that's always hard to do. And when someone tells you to "just" get a job, do what I do, knee them in the nuts and tell them to "just" pretend they aren't in pain. Okay, I don't really do that, but wouldn't it be nice if I could...

[Moose72]

Oh Buggs! I loves ya! Thank you!