Manic Regrets

I'm new to PsychCentral, so cut me some slack on this one...I'm sure it's been addressed many times:

I'm just coming down of about a month of manic/hypomanic action. It seems fun when you're in the midst of it, but coming back to earth is very difficult. I've been off the hook for quite some time because I BSed my pdoc enough to stay out of the hospital; seemed like a good idea at the time, but my lack of impulse control during that period was costly -- the bills are coming due -- in the form of personal relationships, that is.

In addition to being BP1, I'm also a recovering alcoholic, so I know what it's like to apologize for things I've said & done during drinking black-outs. Although I've been sober nine years, I still remember what it's like to have to apologize for things I don't remember...it's a pretty humbling experience.

With my mania/hypomania, however, I remember everything I said & wrote during the past month (to the best of my recollection, that is). I've burned a lot of bridges as a result. They were "things that seemed like a good idea at the time," but now that I'm coming down to earth, I'm examining the wreckage I left in my wake. Oh, man! The hurt & guilt I feel right now is pretty consuming. In retrospect, the drinking black-outs almost seem a blessing, as you at least have the excuse that you don't remember anything -- an amnesic blessing, of sorts. I don't have that luxury with my BP, though...

I know many of you have experienced the same thing, so I guess I'm just looking for a sense of perspective at this point. To paraphrase momma, mania's "alot of fun until someone puts an eye out." Similar experiences? I'd like to hear them.

I have no advice for you. The way I describe it is I know it's wrong but I don't have enough empathy to care. Later I'm like damn.

Exactly.

Or you're already doing it so, you may as well commit. And later, it's like huh? Impulsive much?

We all do things we regret, and for me, mental illness explains some things but, never excuses. Learn from this. Accept the consequences but, forgive yourself.

Recovering alcoholic and bipolar here, too. Only I've noticed I have memory loss during my manic episodes, like I blank out entire stretches of time the way I did in my drinking days. People will bring up something I said or did when I was in the throes of the episode, and I honestly do not always remember saying or doing what they claim. Which leaves me apologizing for acts I don't recall committing, which sucks, but what else can I do? I'm all about owning my problems and not using BP as an excuse for my misbehavior, but dadgummitt, there are times when I think people make $#!+ up.

Yeah, it sux when you do dumb stuff while manic. When I have the post manic " omg how humiliating I want the ground to eat me what was I thinking eww what have I done why did I say that" blues I try to put it in perspective.

I think if my friend did these things to me, and I could see in my friends head and see that they were sick, would I be mad at them. The answer is always no. Then I switch it and I'm like, well that was me, I did that, I was sick, I wouldn't hate a friend for it so I won't hate myself for it either.

Obviously Easier said than done, but that works for me for forcing myself to forgive myself, or a least not berate myself. I just repeat it in my mind whenever I start on the " I'm an awful person" tangent.

Hope that makes sense? I'm a little too relaxed on meds right now

Hope you fee better soon!

i've done lots of things when i've been mannic.

1 of which was when i was at colledge (now kicked out of it), i deleted my essay i was working on about food (and also deleted my work folder!) so that when i did come down and was ready to focus again, it was all gone.. and i couldn't really do anything about it.

i agree... coming down to earth is again is difficult. especially when you start realising the stuff that you've done during your mannic time

I seem to get hypo manic so my high isn't super high (i get more aggitated and spun up rather than happy go lucky) but I know that when explaining it to people, I've often described it as being outside myself. I do/say something and I literally cannot stop myself and at the moment I don't care. I WANT to hurt their feelings or whatever. After, even if still in a high, I can see I was an ***** but it was like I couldn't stop it. And I do it again. I do lots of apologizing to my poor daughter.

These responses really helped me put things in perspective. Please know I really appreciate the time all y'alls took to respond. Since she's a recovering alcoholic AND BP, BipolaRNurse's response really put it in a nutshell for me:

While I told folks I remembered everything I did while manic, I guess that might not be the case...After all, how can you remember stuff you don't remember? That's logical, but I'm afraid I'm sometimes not too bright where issues like this are concerned. I have to remind myself that towards the end of my drinking I was blacking out & losing large chunks of time. It took friends & family to remind me of the things I did while drunk. I don't even want to contemplate the things I did when I was drinking alone -- although coming to with a bloody hangover & the house trashed should have been a clue. Denial is a big part of alcoholism...& maybe that's been a big factor with my mania, as well. (Note: I don't mean to turn this thread into an AA meeting, but rates of substance abuse are MUCH higher among we BP peeps -- hope some of you might understand.)

I also picked up an important reminder in a few of your posts. I'll quote BilpolaRNurse here, too: "I'm all about owning my problems and not using BP as an excuse for my misbehavior..." It's sometimes too easy to let one's self off the hook because of one's mental illness. If we've somehow hurt or insulted some one during our manic/hypomanic times, it's important to acknowledge their feelings, rather than using MI as an excuse. After all, their feelings are as valid as our BP; it's important that we acknowledge that. AA (NOOOOO!!! NOT AGAIN!!!) streses the point that it's important to "make amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." I didn't let myself off the hook for my alcoholism, so the same principle should apply to my BP wreckage.

Darn it! I've written far too much...But I WILL make an excuse in this instance. I taught English for 25 years, so it's easy for me to be verbose.

Anyways, thanks to all of you who have posted. I hope folks will continue to post so I might learn more from your experiences. I'm new to PsycheCentral...That's why I'm here.

I have a very poor memory when hypomanic too but also a what the hell attitude too. Very painful when I come down because I care so much. Destroyed so much, lost so much. Kind of double **** because I get paranoid and trust no one either. Guess what, I have no one outside of my family. Hmm. I know I care but I kinda have to shut it all out because it's too much to live with. Not ideal I guess.