and I had the audacity to think I knew what a broken heart was

On June 16, my 26 y/o daughter died while trying everything she could to relieve herself from a migraine. She had suffered for years with them and the med profession could do no more for her, so she self medicated. I self medicated too for about 30 years. In 2001 I was hospitalized for the first time and accurately diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II. Up until that day in June I was pleased to say that I was successfully treated.

The grief has been building and I told my pdoc that if something was not done to stem the grief all my work in remaining stable was in jeopardy. I was told grief was normal and they don't medicate it. Well, today is the second day I am bed ridden. What the grief has done has eliminated all desire and ability to maintain all the things that were necessary for me to remain stable. I am down to only taking my meds (only Lithium) and it is a struggle to justify the point of taking them.

I was very close to my daughter. We had been estranged for 8 years and in January the ice was broken and in the last 4 months we had got to the point we were when she was in high school. My son has nothing to do with me, of course my ex doesn't, my daughter was my only family.

Since this incident and the resultant change in me I find everyone I know backing away from me. I was living alone before she died, now I am experience unimagined, oppressive, loneliness.

Grief counseling is hard to find. One place, Good Grief, advertises walk in service. I did, they were in a meeting. Compassionate Friends are a possibility, but even being non-denominational I still will have to deal with well meaning christians. They have a great desire for intervention from their god to offer. Other religions aren't as pushy. I have nothing against peoples religion. I feel that if it works for them fine. I have an ethos but since it is not theirs they feel obligated to "show me the way."

I sternly rebuke their offers and that has caused my leaving other groups.
So I am sinking deeper.The psych profession is not that competent in treating BD. So I fired my pdoc. I have nothing to gain or lose by letting nature take it's course with me.

Everything I valued and love left with my daughter. I wish for her peace, and every night I go to bed forcing myself not to wake up.

I am in therapy but she is about to be fired also. She is in complete agreement with the pdoc. What are the waiting for, until I begin to want to hurt myself? I have been there. Without help who knows how far I will sink. I surely don't want to go there again.

Thank for reading my vent.

Hi Vigodits, .... there is nothing i can say that will help, i am so sorry you lost your daughter, i can imagine nothing worse. Please try to keep posting here if you can, at least some contact with other people is probably good. You're welcome to vent or rant or cry or whatever you need to do. I will listen.

I am here, as well.

Because of Bipolar I:

Lost my job,
My wife left me
Became estranged from my children,
Lost the house I designed and built with my own hands,
Became disabled
Became a convicted felon
Served time in prison
Am a registered sex offender (don't judge you don't know the facts)
Cannot hold onto a relationship, that's if I get beyond the first date
Had to move back into the family home,
Have been in debt for as long as I can remember
Have lost control of my money

I was plugging along despite all that and then my daughter died. Life pretty much sucks.

Sorry you are lonely and your daughter died but, there are a few things in your post that stick out here. I'm going to be blunt but, I don't mean to be cruel. I do feel for your situation.

Everyone in your family is estranged? You're not without fault there. One or two would be different but, when it is everyone else, it's you. You want to find friendships, you need to fix the problems with you that caused this.

You found a group and took a walk in offer and they were in a meeting so, you gave up with that group entirely? That's illogical. The Good Grief people were not busy because you were coming or anything to do with you. You want their help, try again. Writing entire resources off or people off because they couldn't drop everything for you is going to perpetuate your problem.

Your "firing" your pdoc and therapist because grief shouldn't be medicated? These are resources that kept you stable for years and yes, a tragic life event occured and you are going to feel that but writing them off entirely is irrational. This risks making your problems worse.

And maybe you do feel so bad that you don't care, maybe you want things to be worse because of the pain you're in but, you're here looking for support.

You need your meds your t and you'd pdoc to see you through. Otherwise you are headed toward psych ER. In fact please call them- you sound like you're going down hill.

Okay, so how are you cruel and insensitive comments supposed to help and support me? If this is how you feel for people, please refrain from feeling for me.

Hi Vigodits,

I can't imagine losing one of my kids, so it is understandable you are in such grief. Also, this is very new grief, it was only in June. That's two months, that's not long at all. It is completely normal to be in grief after such a loss.

When I was 13 my mom died. She was the only one who really looked out for me. I was already mentally instable when she died. I'd had my first suicide attempt at 12, but the instability went back farther than that. No one else understood that I was in a bad place. She had had breast cancer since I was 2 years old, so I grew up knowing she was going to die. But, in the end, I wasn't ready for it. Also, in her last hospitalization they asked me and my dad if they should try to save her if her heart stopped. Well, my dad was in too much grief to decide, so I had to. I was only 13, and I had to decide. So, all I knew was she always told me a bad fall would break all her bones, and so I thought of the difibulator shaking her body so hard it would break all her bones, and I didn't think it would save her but kill her. So that was my decision.

After, I went to grief counceling in three places. The first was a support group at the hospital where she died. That is one place you should look. I also had a specialised grief therapist, who I actually didn't like, but she was trained primarily for grief counceling. The third place was at my school with a group of kids who had lost someone.

First off, you can't trust your judgment when you're in grief, so for now don't fire your pdoc or T. Maybe take a break from them for a short time. Secondly, go back to Good Grief. Don't give up because they were in a meeting. Third, avoid the news and the radio. Sad stories and sad songs are not what you need right now, they are triggering. It is 20 years after my mom passed away and there are still songs I do not listen to.

Lastly, remember that this takes time. This year is 20 years since my mom died, and I'm not done grieving. People tell me I should be done, but for the first two years I was completely shut down. After that, I had so many memories that were blocked due to the intensity of the grief, that I couldn't even feel it. Over time things come back, life events happen, and there is an empty chair in the room. I'm not the only one, either. My dad is still grieving her too, even though he is re-married, but my step-mother is only a "companion" to avoid loneliness, but if my mom suddenly walked through the door that relationship would end. When my mom died she left a giant gaping hole in our lives, and nothing can fill it. BUT, life does go on somehow, and over time the pain is less and less, the triggers are fewer, and you learn to live with the ghost, so to speak.

Take care.

Can you do intensive out patient for awhile? It'll get you up and out of the house. They may have a grief group and you'll get individual therapy daily. They'll also be able to see if your grief is 'normal' or if your need a med adjustment.

I've watched people lose their family solely because they have the wrong parts. Please keep fighting get into a good IOP. It should help.

Vig, I hope you will find a way to stick with your T and Pdoc for now. Also, I do agree with the other members that it would be really beneficial to look into IOP and/or grief group. I cannot imagine the pain associated with losing a child...

I lost my birth mother (she was a victim of a very violent crime), my first fiancé (drowning) and my second fiancé (cancer), and I still have not "gotten over it".
I don't think we ever do, really. I think we just find ways to cope with the "new" normal.

After F2 passed away, I was beside myself with grief. I could not take anymore. Not one single thing. Not one more loss. I could not do a thing. I was absolutely flat out gone.

But I forced myself to get up and go to group. I found one that really helped. I am not religious by any means and this group was, but nobody EVER forced anything. Grief is grief and they were wonderful.

The one thing I learned is that in the midsts of severe, debilitating grief, it is a good idea to not make any major life changes. And to NOT isolate. That is the worst thing. Although it feels like the natural thing.

It's important to focus on yourself and whatever it takes to get through this incredibly difficult time.

I am not clear about your Pdoc and T...what is it that you are looking for in terms of Rx that you feel will help you with the grief? Are they afraid for your safety?

And, just to throw this out there, Vig, it is NOT your fault. It is NOT your fault.

R

Who will pay for it?

A lot of centers have scholarship or charity resources that put you on a sliding scale basis or extend the fees over time. Money should not be what makes you sit in silence with your pain.

The heck it ain't my fault.

I've been laying in bed thinking about this forcing myself to do stuff. Before my daughter died I struggled to maintaing all the precepts of IPSRT that I had learned and found useful. But the disorder made everything a battle. Bedtime, dinner times, wake times. Everything was work. Then this.

So immediately I saw my pdoc and told him that I knew the grief was going to put all the other work in jeopardy. I asked to be put back on an anti depressant. I was able to wean myself off of them, 3 years ago. I had been doing pretty good. But I knew this was going to happen. He refused.

Eleven days ago the bottom fell out of my world. The grief became worse than the funeral. It hasn't let up. I am making rash decisions (who's there to stop me?), lost appetite, spend most of the day in bed broke off communications with those who couldn't understand why I wasn't over it, which was most everybody, (I'd sell a kidney for a hug (not virtual), I am completely off of the IPSRT and now I find I can't remember if I take my meds or not. Heck I can't even force myself out to buy groceries.
I can see where this is heading and right now I embrace it.

So why should I contact my pdoc? My therapist tried to get him to prescribe antidepressants to know avail and she defers to him.

So wheres that leave me? Support organizations that want me to grieve on their timetable? I have been abandoned and feel thoroughly disposable.

No but trying to come up with it after the treatment usually sends me back into depression.

I am still paying $15 a month on a bill from last year because some quack thought I had breast cancer. I got another year of that. If I had the head for this stuff do you think I'd be on here?. What is there to make me think going to IOP is not a rash decision?

The point is, I had a pretty good support system. After her death it fell apart. People can't imagine what it is to loose a child and they sure don't want me to show them. Were they good friends? Apparently not, but they were what I had.

I don't know what you are saying here.

I feel that it'd be helpful because you are not getting the right medical attention, don't have outside support, and ***** has hit the fan in life and mood wise. You don't want to fight for yourself, understandable. You need someone else to fight for you until you can fight for you. That is why I suggested IOP. I feel you'll just sink deeper and deeper until your in an involuntarily inpatient situation. IOP gives you more say in your medical treatment than if you wait until you have to.

I sent you a PM

Vig, I am sorry you are in so much pain. I hear you. I hear your frustration and hurt and grief ... I am sorry there isn't more I can offer other than (virtual) support.

Rose

I'm sorry if you feel my comments were cruel. Insensitive is likely accurate. That's my rational way. Sometimes feelings and emotions need to be put aside.

Again, no cruelness intended. I won't post on your thread anymore.

If I could block you I would.

Please try to get yourself some help somehow. This is a lot to deal with even when you're NOT bipolar. For another $15 a month (just guessing), its worth it!

I have no words to offer other . Just know how sorry I am that you lost your daughter

So, so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. Can't imagine the pain. I lost my dad a few years ago and it has been terrible. I can only imagine the feeling of loss being multiplied if it's your child.

Please see someone. You're hurting so much right now that it's difficult to see beyond that pain.

It's $15 only because I have another $1200 a month in debt payments. I am bipolar you know. That is before rent, utilities, etc. I actually live, gas, food, ect. on about $200 month.

I do not go out. Any entertainment is what I can find free on the puter. I don't own a TV, microwave, cell phone or any other phone for that matter. I am lucky the garden is producing but I loathe vegetables but what's a boy to do.

Got in the mood for chicken fingers. Found a new recipe and I tried it. One of the oddest flavors and mouth feel I ever experienced. Makes my stomach feel odd. So that is my sadness. I have to eat all 2 pounds of these odd tasting things. First of all if I pitch them I am out the food and money. That would then bring me 3 days closer to having to shower and dress and go out and buy groceries. That thought distresses me. I have no desire for a shower and even less to leave here and swim the school of idiots that are Mal Wart customers.

In case you are wondering, I once had some debt counseling service set a budget. It paid off my debt too slowly and I felt it was not getting paid off at all. So I stopped. Since I adopted this austere plan I have been able to see progress and have been sticking with it.

I'll see my tdoc on Friday. I am up to once a week and the co-payments are building up. To be honest it is very hard to justify paying someone to listen to me. Really that is all I get is a listening to, but no relief. Nothing changes. I come home and crawl back into bed.

I feel that if you summarize what you have said on this thread and present it to T, she might be more successful in making p-doc prescribe AD. It is worth trying. I would even fax the list to p-doc directly (unless you have no access to a fax machine - sounds like you do not, right?). So send a letter.

This is the source of my frustration. I have told both repeatedly. It's as though what I have to say is irrelevant. Thanks for the suggestion.