[littlebutt]

I am a man in his mid-forties. Three years ago I went to a counselor and psychiatrist because I was deeply depressed and couldn't climb out of it after 6 months. They diagnosed me with bi-polar and started me on drugs.

For the first few months I was super happy/hyper/manic but this ended when they had to switch my meds because of severe side effects.

Since then I have drifted in and out of depression deep enough to affect my job, relationship and leaving me seriously considering suicide at times.

Other times I am just 'blah'. I have no emotions or desires or joy, just blah. My counselor and psychiatrist don't seem concerned at all and keep telling me that it will get better.

However, after three years of this I am seriously doubting their diagnosis. I have an appointment with another psychiatrist to get a second opinion.

Am I the only bi-polar who never gets the high, only the middle or lows? They keep switching my meds all the time but nothing changes. I have been on anti-depressants for three years now with nothing but anger and sadness to show for it.

[BlueInanna]

Hi littlebutt, cute name

Treatment resistant depression and long-term low grade depression helped lead pdoc to my bp dx. I'm taking lithium, and I still have the mood swings. Just luckily maybe, the moods haven't been as severe.

What meds are you taking, which have you tried? Sounsds like a lot of them.

Maybe something else is going on. Do you think you have just plain depression not bp?

[littlebutt]

Hey, thanks for responding! I am on Lisinopril now, my doc doubled the dosage this time because of the depression (again). I was on Abilify but stopped taking it because of the side effects. Before those two I was on something that made my hair fall out. Before that I was on the mania-medicine that attacked my liver and kidneys.

I do suspect that I might just be depressed. I hope that the doctors can find out what is wrong and stop with all of the other useless stuff and get onto letting me just live a normal life. I don't even care if it's a happy one or not, just as long as I am not constantly depressed.

I was the same way a lot, but therapy really really made a difference for me. Even venting and letting issues go on here, on this site, works as therapy for me. Try it, therapy will help you in this situation, along with the meds. So let er rip on here, you might be surprised by what you find!

[Clinte89]

I agree with Dan venting and therapy help alot with this kinda thing. I typically stay depressed but I do have the highs but typically they don't last as long as some I've heard. So I suppose it's possible to be bp and only have an episode every now and the only requirement t is one manic or hypomanic episode. Good luck hope you get help you need

[littlebutt]

So, let me get this straight. I suffer through three years of deep depression in exchange for 6 weeks or hyper-activity (not mania and brought on I think by the meds) and this is considered normal? Why the hell should I even bother to go on? I have always held out hope that eventually the right combination of meds and/or therapy would eventually let me return to what I was like before all of this started. If this is my new normal I certainly don't want it.

[purpledaisy]

I'm feeling your pain, littlebutt.

When I told my therapist and psychiatrist that I don't like feeling blah, it's boring, my few friends want to know why I am no longer funny, they both said it's a trade-off.

"Do you want to be stable? Stable is boring," the said.

Yay.

I miss that manic edge. Just enough to be creative and feel like I have hope for the future, someday my ship will come in, life won't always be like this.

[Victoria'smom]

I really think it depends on your pdoc. My pdoc wont settle foe blah, blah doesn't keep people on there medication. Look for a more understanding dr. it's worth it.

[Anika.]

I held out hope for 7 years that they would get the right combo. I get highs and lots of them, but not euphoric, I get mania that is disphoric, paired with psychosis. However, I didnt find that any meds helped me, seemed to worsen things for me.

But I started building up a lot of skills and tools, correcting thinking patterns, cognitove distortions, diet, took up yoga, mindfulness, anything that helped I held on to. I am pretty stable now. I have a blip here and there, but not much.

There is hope that it will get better. It can get better. Sometimes a big shift in perspective helps get it rolling. I do understand, I have been there. I didnt believe it was ever going to get better.

I hope you stick around here. I learnt so much from other members here that I was not getting from a counsellor or psychiatrist, it's litterally changed my life.

Are you seeing a counsellor, or a therapist? Counsellors usually do not do a lot of cbt or dbt therapy, or other types, at least that has been my experience. Just a lot of talk therapy.

[hamster-bamster]

As far as I know Lisinopril is a very common blood pressure medication. And you are taking it for what exactly?

[littlebutt]

Yeah, sorry about that. I mistyped. I am taking Lisinopril but for high blood pressure for an unrelated illness.

I was initially prescribed Wellbutrin but that was causing damage to my kidneys and liver so my doctor switched me to Depakote. This caused my hair to fall out. He then put me on Lamactil which is no longer effective. Because my depression worsened he doubled my dosage to 100MG. Throughout it all I was prescribed Abilify as well. However, it caused uncontrolable tremors and shaking and he allowed me to go off of it. Now he is insisting that I go back on it and said that the side effects weren't all that bad. I am refusing to take it. Besides, it controls mood swings and my only swing has been from blah to deep dark depression.

And yes, I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist.

[hamster-bamster]

That is horrible, from uncontrollable tremors to hair loss. Before any meds, have you ever been elevated?

A propos Lamictal - the usual dose is 200 MG.

Are your therapist and psychiatrist in contact with one another? Do they agree on the dx?

[Clinte89]

We'll it sounds like your pdoc is not cool at all. If you didn't like te side effects then he/she should try something different. I feel for ya I have had mostly long lasting depression with few hypomanic times. So unfortunatly that is what you look for but like some people have already mentioned it does get better I have found therapy to be the best thing that has helped me meds do a little but therapy does most. Good luk hope you get feeling better.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by littlebutt

he allowed me to go off of it. Now he is insisting that I go back on it and said that the side effects weren't all that bad.

Like Clinte, I do not like your p-doc's attitude. Who is he to "allow" and "insist"? And you are the one who decides whether the side effects were bad.

[littlebutt]

My visits with my Psychiatrist usually list 15 minutes. I tell him I am feeling blah and food has no taste and I have to fake emotional interest in people. He just smiles, tells me I am stable and renews my prescription.

The last visit I was so depressed I broke down into tears and lost control of myself. I was in there for an hour (the office closed around us). He typed on his computer and showed me where the tissues were. He then doubled my prescription and told me to go back onto the Abilify. I have flat out refused to take it again.

My counselor hates my psychiatrist and they have had a falling out. He has urged me to find another one and I have an appointment with a new one in November.

My frustration is that I haven't had a manic episode mild or otherwise since I was first diagnosed three years ago. In that time I have spent at least nine months in a deep depression where I was/am having dark thoughts. This has to end and I don't intend to live the rest of my life like this.

[Trippin2.0]

Your pdoc sucks wet rabid dog a.s.s, SO glad you're getting a new1! Existing does not equate living, really hope you feel better soon. And kudos to you for standing your ground on refusing the abilify! The pdoc is YOUR service provider, HE listens TO YOU, not the other way around. Goodluck

[hamster-bamster]

Food not tasting does not mean stability, it means a seriously impacted quality of life!!!

[cocoabeans]

Stability trumps quality of life, psychiatrists don't know what they're doing and when the first few shots at the dart board don't work and you've got something that works to keep the big bad bipolar monster away they call it a day...doesn't matter how you feel as long as they are convinced you'll stay on those medications. Show you'll follow doctor's orders and you can cry about side effects, distress about appetite and they won't mind. Their drugs are dangerous and so is your "bipolar disorder" uh huh. They'll use all sorts of manipulation to keep you in your chemical cage, even pretend to care as hamster's does.

Psychiatrists are not there to help you. They are there to get you off the back of every body else.

[hamster-bamster]

No, it is not pretense. You cannot fake the way my p-doc reacted to the fact that I have no orgasms. He started problem solving on the spot. The on-call doctor who wrote his very first prescription for Elavil in ten years to help me sleep also genuinely cared. He was surprised that a tiny dose of Elavil helps me sleep, but since it does, he did not mind doing something he does not normally do. He was also 100% for going off Geodon because of unorgasmia which affects quality of life no less than food that does not have a taste, even though Geodon is 100% effective in controlling mania - I am absolutely stable and have not had mania for a year since the dose of Geodon was increased to the FDA max (so yes, APs do control moods). No mania for a year is clear success, but - diminished quality of life so we will look for something else. You absolutely have to have a doctor who prioritizes quality of life in a real way, without "pretense". It is easy to say when they do, and easy to spot when they do not. If a doctor feels that he is the one who decides how bad a certain side effect is over what you feel about it, that doctor is clearly out. For Littlebutt, the order of the day now is to compile a list of questions and statements to present during your first appointment with a new p-doc in order to determine if he/she is right for you. You do not want to a replay of the same "allow" and "insist" attitude. In particular, prepare a list of side effects that you are not willing to live with. For instance, I would not live with any degree of akathisia, Parkinson-like side effects, visible tremor, constipation, unorgasmia, and weight gain, but I can or think I can manage dizziness, some decrease in memory, slight tremor, acne, thyroid dysfunction - the latter two because I can take drugs against them to remedy the situation 100% and these drugs cause no side effects of their own. Then, prepare a list of goals.

[wotchermuggle]

Maybe you are bipolar 2 which has you spending more time in the depression part of the swings instead of the uppers? That sounds like my experience and that is my diagnosis.

[bluemountains]

I am sorry, littlebutt. I agree that you have a crappy pdoc if all he wants to do is write scripts for you. There are lots of med combinations, and there is probably something out there that will work for you if you choose to try meds again, but personally I would search for a pdoc who will really listen and monitor you closely.

Like Hamster, I also have a very caring pdoc. She makes contact every few days when I am unstable. She does this over the phone because she knows that I must pay out of pocket now that my insurance is no longer accepted by her practice. Instead of prescribing lots of drugs, she suggests that I spend more time in therapy. She is very hesitant to make a change in medication until she has been updated about my therapy visits. There are some good pdocs out there!
Good luck!
Bluemountains