[Giabrina]

I am trying to understand if my depression is part of the bipolar disease or if it is caused (in part) by my husband. After 10 years of being married and being a stay at home mom, my husband abruptly cut me off financially and refused to give me any money -- meaning I had no money to buy food for myself or our kids. After applying for at least 50 jobs, I accepted the only one that was offered to me at $8.00 an hour (I have a college degree). It is an on-call position meaning that I don't have set hours but fill in for people when needed. I average about 15 to 20 hours a week. My average check every two weeks is $160.00 on which I have to buy food to feed our family of five and also gas money to get to work. Sometimes my husband will talk to me, he mostly just ignores me. During the summer when the kids where home from school and I had to go to work, I would come home from work around 3:00 pm to find the kids still in their pajamas, teeth not brushed or hair combed. He lets them sit in front of the television all day or play video games. My youngest (8) gained four pounds this summer from all the inactivity. He doesn't want us to go anywhere, hates it when the kids have playdates, wants us to stay in the house all the time. Then he tells me that he acts the way he does because I make him that way. I know I am not perfect. But maybe after years of depression, a two week hospital stay, ECT treatment and a ton of different meds...............maybe it's not me. Could it be him?

[Miswimmy1]

I'm sorry things are tough... It sounds like it could be him.. There is no reason for you to take all the blame. ur in my thoughts

I'm sorry, but what kind of man up and abruptly cuts off his wife, who has been staying home raising HIS children off from finances??? Ugggh sorry but yes maybe it is him. I am sure the Bipolar doesn't help but seriously. What wife wouldn't be depressed with that. A lot of women get little appreciation for being stay at home mom's already, it's a very hard job, and an important one, raising the future I guess isn't much a big deal to some people.

I'm really sorry that this is happening. But I think a real man and a good husband would not just cut his family off from food and other needs, I mean really it's not very manly. How does he treat you outside of these issues here?

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, this type of thing just really bothers me.

(((((Giabrina)))))

[Trippin2.0]

Your husband is an abusive idiot, get rid of him asap. What kind of FATHER REFUSES TO FEED HIS OWN KIDS?! sorry, but his behavior is disgusting, I'm pretty sure I threw up a little in my mouth reading that. Get rid of the loser, you AND your kids deserve BETTER!
so sorry your struggling, dont blame the bp, a saint would have problems handling your issues,
sorry I was harsh, these things get my back up against the wall...

[Giabrina]

Anika -- In response to your question how does he treat me? I mostly get the silent treatment when he is mad at me. No affection, we sleep in different rooms. He is not physically or verbally abusive --more emotional.

[Giabrina]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Your husband is an abusive idiot, get rid of him asap. What kind of FATHER REFUSES TO FEED HIS OWN KIDS?! sorry, but his behavior is disgusting, I'm pretty sure I threw up a little in my mouth reading that. Get rid of the loser, you AND your kids deserve BETTER!
so sorry your struggling, dont blame the bp, a saint would have problems handling your issues,
sorry I was harsh, these things get my back up against the wall...

Thanks for being so straight forward and honest. It was kind of shocking, but I needed to hear it.

[Trippin2.0]

Sorry to hear that i shocked u... i'm a bit insensitive at the moment but working on it

I'm in agreement here with everyone too. You already worked 24/7 at home and now he wants you to work more....I say NAY! He needs to get a second job. I have had to twice in my life. Sucked, but had to be done. I know he may be exhausted a little from your BP, but he needs to be stronger than that. Sounds like some marital counseling is in order to strengthen up you all's bond. But if he won't go, then there are other underlying problems at hand and you need to prepare yourself for them.
Keep your strength and know that we got your back here "Giabrina"

[Kristiemarie]

It sound to me like HE is depressed. Have you tried to get him help?

No excuses for his behavior but just a thought.

[Vigodits]

I am not going join the bandwagon an jump on your husband, In my opinion he is an obstacle to be worked around. I suggest you find the nearest women's shelter and drop in. They will be a source of information and ideas. I am not suggesting you take the kids and move in, but in Pennsylvania a person just cannot abandon their spouse if they have a mental illness. I know, my wife ran up against that when she divorced me. The law is on your side. Use it. You will never stabilize in this relationship and your kids will learn the wrong way to be a man.
I wish you the best.

Soooo, he decides to act like an a*s and be totally neglectful and he blames you for his doing so? How's THAT work?! Nope, that one doesn't fly. You are not responsible for his behavior. Not now. Not ever. Not with BP. Not without. He says you "make" him that way? Uhhhh...
It's bad enough he's trying to use your BP as an excuse for his behavior, don't let him catch you up in that BS. It's much to his advantage to get you to believe it's your fault. And the seeds of self-doubt have already been planted... "(in part)" "...but maybe after years of depression...". I'm not sure if this is a situation of "gaslighting" exactly (because I'm still just starting to learn about it), but it sure seems like it could easily become one.

It is good that you are doing a reality check. It's all too easy to self-doubt and come to believe things that really aren't so, especially when one is overworked and stressed out. What route you go with that information is completely up to you of course.

In answer to the question of your thread title... imo, the BP might not be helping, but there's reason 'aplenty for situational depression here. As Trippin' pointed out.... even a saint...

And we're talking even St. BP-less.

[faerie_moon_x]

My question is if he treated you like that before he cut you off financially. Were you not allowed to go anywhere, him blamming you for everything, and so on before that happened? Or did it all start at the same time?

Because if his attitude was bad before, then I say yes he is an abusive *** and his abuse is getting worse. If not and this is all new behavior, then maybe there is something wrong with him such as depression, but it is no excuse to cut your wife and kids off. And no excuse to be emotionally abusive. And, I'm sorry, verbally abusive too "I'm this way because you make me." You put a gun to his head and tell him, "Treat me like crap your I'll blow your brains out." No? Didn't think so...

I'm sorry to say but cutting your kids off from money to buy food is physical abuse. It's neglect and endangerment of a child. I know for a fact that feeding a family of 5 on $160 plus gas on top of that means struggling just to have a full belly at night. In the state where I live I think they could care less about if you abandon an adult spouse with a mental illness (probably even a physical one,) but doing the same thing to your kids is punishable by law.

[Giabrina]

Originally Posted by Vigodits

I am not going join the bandwagon an jump on your husband, In my opinion he is an obstacle to be worked around. I suggest you find the nearest women's shelter and drop in. They will be a source of information and ideas. I am not suggesting you take the kids and move in, but in Pennsylvania a person just cannot abandon their spouse if they have a mental illness. I know, my wife ran up against that when she divorced me. The law is on your side. Use it. You will never stabilize in this relationship and your kids will learn the wrong way to be a man.
I wish you the best.

I'm sorry I don't understand. You said the law is on my side and to use it. How is it on my side and how can I use it properly? Also, you made a very good point in that I will never stabilize in this relationship. I now understand that and thoroughly agree.

[creativelight]

Apply for food stamps and say you're separated so that his income won't count (or don't mention you're married at all). I don't know the regulations on your state but more than likely you will just need BC of anyone that was not born in the state, social security, verification of your income, and usually they can go by your word for expenses such as the shelter payment etc.. Very important say that you pay electricity and water, no need to show receipts. That will help with the food situation, so you won't have to worry about that on top of everything. When you apply make copies of everything with the stamped date you submitted to your local DFCS. If you can wait to be seen, you have the right to be seen the same day. If you have everything at hand they can approve the case on the spot and you will receive a card within a week.

[moremi]

Honey you need to get out of there. That is not a healthy relationship for you or for your children to see. If you have girls, they will think that is how a man should treat them. If you have boys, they will think they should treat a woman that way. Your biggest problem is this man. You should get a divorce and get child support if there is no love there what do you have to lose?

[Giabrina]

Originally Posted by WNT2bNRML

I'm in agreement here with everyone too. You already worked 24/7 at home and now he wants you to work more....I say NAY! He needs to get a second job. I have had to twice in my life. Sucked, but had to be done. I know he may be exhausted a little from your BP, but he needs to be stronger than that. Sounds like some marital counseling is in order to strengthen up you all's bond. But if he won't go, then there are other underlying problems at hand and you need to prepare yourself for them.
Keep your strength and know that we got your back here "Giabrina"

Thank you for getting my back! It is a comforting feeling knowing that I have some support. As far as him getting a second job, I mentioned it once and it didn't go over too well. He had a good job making almost six figures a year and then quit after 23 years because it was too stressfull. He then took a job making $13.00 an hour because it was "easy" and "relaxing" and because he enjoys it. I don't even think he took into consideration that making $13.00 an hour with a family of 5 puts us at poverty level.

[Giabrina]

Originally Posted by Kristiemarie

It sound to me like HE is depressed. Have you tried to get him help?

No excuses for his behavior but just a thought.

I have thought about that because all he does is sit around watching television or play solitare on the computer. He has no friends, no social life or outside hobbies.

[Giabrina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Soooo, he decides to act like an a*s and be totally neglectful and he blames you for his doing so? How's THAT work?! Nope, that one doesn't fly. You are not responsible for his behavior. Not now. Not ever. Not with BP. Not without. He says you "make" him that way? Uhhhh...
It's bad enough he's trying to use your BP as an excuse for his behavior, don't let him catch you up in that BS. It's much to his advantage to get you to believe it's your fault. And the seeds of self-doubt have already been planted... "(in part)" "...but maybe after years of depression...". I'm not sure if this is a situation of "gaslighting" exactly (because I'm still just starting to learn about it), but it sure seems like it could easily become one.

It is good that you are doing a reality check. It's all too easy to self-doubt and come to believe things that really aren't so, especially when one is overworked and stressed out. What route you go with that information is completely up to you of course.

In answer to the question of your thread title... imo, the BP might not be helping, but there's reason 'aplenty for situational depression here. As Trippin' pointed out.... even a saint...

And we're talking even St. BP-less.

He blames me because a few years ago I did max out the credit cards in a state of mania. My intentions were good, I didn't buy anything frivilous but I brought a bunch of items to sell on Ebay to make some extra money. I did sell some things and was doing pretty well, but hen the depression set in and I didn't get around to posting and selling the items and they started to pile up collecting dust. He has since taken away the credit cards which has led me to another financial mess. My oldest daughter was really sick for three days and not getting any better. It was a Saturday afternoon and the doctor's office was closed and the urgent care center wanted $100.00 co-pay which I didn't have or have a credit card to put it on. She continued to get worse and I took her to the emergency room around 11:00 pm that night (he did suggest it) and now because insurance didn't fully cover it, he is making me responsible for her $3,000.00 emergency room bill. I have no idea on how I am going to pay that on my salary.

Originally Posted by Giabrina

he is making me responsible for her $3,000.00 emergency room bill. I have no idea on how I am going to pay that on my salary.

Umm but it's his child too, and no one could predict her getting sick, this is a responsibility for both parents. If you have to live like a single mother, might as well be a single mother. At least then you can live in peace.

Have you tried marriage counselling ? Sorry if you already said and I missed it. If you two have talked in depth about this with one another, and then nothing still changes, or he doesn't show an interest in taking any responsibility in the marriage, or the parenting. Then I guess I would really start making a plan to get out.

If it is depression then he needs to get himself some help. Either way he needs to get himself some help. Marriages can't work if one person holds grudges and resentment. Hanging you past mistakes over you isn't right.

I am not an american, but I did watch your president speak last night. He was talking about two different paths. Either the.... we are in this together, we all are responsible together, and work together, cooperate, to make this work and get better, or the other path ... we are all on our own, one man for himself.

Reminds me of this tho, because right now seems like you are in this on your own, except it's a relationship, and the whole word relationship cannot be defined by - on your own.

Unless he decides he wants to take responsibility to be a partner in this I just don't see how it can work. I am divorced with three kids, when I was married I was basically a single parent, I was terrified of being a single parent, I just didn't realize I already was one. When I got divorced, and got to experience peace and harmony within my home, without all the abuse of my husband, wow being a true single parent was actually a lot easier.

Kinda sounds like right now you are a single parent to five kids.

[Giabrina]

Umm but it's his child too, and no one could predict her getting sick, this is a responsibility for both parents

Biologically it is not his child, I had her before we married.

Have you tried marriage counselling ?

I haven't tried marriage counselling. Suggested it a few years ago, nothing ever came of it.

Hanging you past mistakes over you isn't right

. I am constantly reminded by him of my past mistakes and everything that is wrong with me. It seems like the only time he talks to me is to point out a mistake. It doesn't do much for my self esteem.

because right now seems like you are in this on your own

Your right, I am in this on my own and that is exactly how he is trying to make me feel. He wants me to understand how he feels after having all the financial responsibility on his shoulders.

experience peace and harmony within my home

Haven't had peace and harmony in the home for at least the past five years. Can't wait to experience this.....

Kinda sounds like right now you are a single parent to five kids

. It's only three kids

Sorry d'oh, I don't know why I thought 4 kids + hubby, makes five kids.

When he married you, you became a family unit, He took on the responsibility of being a step-parent to that child. Morally I think that's how it works, legally.. it IS how it works. Whether or not he wants to accept that I guess is up to him.

It sounds like he is being very selfish. I understand that bringing in the money alone is hard. If he wants you to experience what he has done, should he not also "want" to experience what you have done? He should want to understand how you feel too. This isn't even about what is fair, it's about actual love. If you really love someone, you want to understand them, you make it a priority, and you do it out of free will.

It's silly to think we actually have to wear the other persons shoes, too understand that they might be uncomfortable, that's why we have empathy. You don't need to actually do what he had done to understand how it would feel and vice versa. Tho some people do not seem to have the ability to do this.

You need to keep your self esteem in place, and build on it. And that is impossible to do if someone is constantly ripping it apart. That is very abusive. That is trying to rob someone of their very basic survival.

I can't wait for you to experience peace and harmony, everyone needs to have that. It isn't a luxury, it's a human right.

Just know that whatever you decide to do, you have support here. If you decide to try to make it work, we can offer you support, if you decide to make a plan to leave than you will also have support for that too.