..some of you may have guessed?...

I don't know it's probably not that important! but I think it is

everytime I write here everytime I post everytime I go pictographic everytime I do anything here.

I dubblemonkey...james

am pissed....manic what the hell?...and not just a little...off my face

I don't know why I am telling you this....it only seems fair.

...have been using alcohol for a while now to help me express myself....it's been how I have slowed my mind down enough to get sociable.

I don't know what others here do to express themselves but I doubt it is as damaging as what goes on here in my little room.

bipolar and substance abuse is not a mystery.

but I hate to unmystify it

I don't want to stop...

but I think I should...I am just so worried I will not be relaxed enough to be creative any more,

and know how to talk to people....to care ...I feel like such a freak!

but the quantities and the expense....financially body and mind....you got no idea! or you do

...well thats it...thats as honest as I can get

it's not a very good example for those who are trying....

I am trying too....but I feel like a cheat

[faerie_moon_x]

Thanks for sharing that. Learning to be honest with ourselves is key to healing. When you stop denying, stop hidding from your own truths, that's the first step. Isn't that even the real first step in like AA and stuff? Admitting it?

In the very beginning you posted something that made me think you were an angry guy, but then after that you got really creative and humorous, so I just thought, maybe it had been a bad day. So, I didn't know you were angry so much. I guessed you were manic probably, and often depressed. But, not so much angry.

Drugs, alcohol, all of that I have no experience, except some cousins I never see, but I can only imagine the hardship it can add. I hope you find a path to help you stay away from all that. I know my one cousin who was always in serious trouble had to move over a thousand miles to finally get clean and stay that way. So, positive energy to you, I know it's not easy.

[BlueInanna]

sorry hun...

keep in mind most everyone here is medicated some way or another... legal drugs, illegal drugs, alcohol, anger, sex, nicotine (most, not all)

but we all ended up here on this place looking for answers, we're all on the path. we're all seeking something like balance or understanding or healing.

you're no cheat i refuse to see it

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

..some of you may have guessed?...

I don't know it's probably not that important! but I think it is

everytime I write here everytime I post everytime I go pictographic everytime I do anything here.

I dubblemonkey...james

am pissed....manic what the hell?...and not just a little...off my face

I don't know why I am telling you this....it only seems fair.

...have been using alcohol for a while now to help me express myself....it's been how I have slowed my mind down enough to get sociable.

I don't know what others here do to express themselves but I doubt it is as damaging as what goes on here in my little room.

bipolar and substance abuse is not a mystery.

but I hate to unmystify it

I don't want to stop...

but I think I should...I am just so worried I will not be relaxed enough to be creative any more,

and know how to talk to people....to care ...I feel like such a freak!

but the quantities and the expense....financially body and mind....you got no idea! or you do

...well thats it...thats as honest as I can get

it's not a very good example for those who are trying....

I am trying too....but I feel like a cheat

lol..

we are,like, on the same plain. i'm picking up what ur puttin down

except i am not "MANIC"., but, (lol) what does that even matter? it's just a word

anyway... wtf. i do it all too. a LOT

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

Thanks for sharing that. Learning to be honest with ourselves is key to healing. When you stop denying, stop hidding from your own truths, that's the first step. Isn't that even the real first step in like AA and stuff? Admitting it?

In the very beginning you posted something that made me think you were an angry guy, but then after that you got really creative and humorous, so I just thought, maybe it had been a bad day. So, I didn't know you were angry so much. I guessed you were manic probably, and often depressed. But, not so much angry.

Drugs, alcohol, all of that I have no experience, except some cousins I never see, but I can only imagine the hardship it can add. I hope you find a path to help you stay away from all that. I know my one cousin who was always in serious trouble had to move over a thousand miles to finally get clean and stay that way. So, positive energy to you, I know it's not easy.

it's really means somethin' to read that dark.....
it's not deliberate but it seems kinda cool to arrive bad then turn out to be good...

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

sorry hun...

keep in mind most everyone here is medicated some way or another... legal drugs, illegal drugs, alcohol, anger, sex, nicotine (most, not all)

but we all ended up here on this place looking for answers, we're all on the path. we're all seeking something like balance or understanding or healing.

you're no cheat i refuse to see it

..as ever...put things in the right spot

Originally Posted by junkDNA

lol..

we are,like, on the same plain. i'm picking up what ur puttin down

except i am not "MANIC"., but, (lol) what does that even matter? it's just a word

anyway... wtf. i do it all too. a LOT

depends how long jD...

these things can just wear ya' down over time...

I remember VERY well when it was always fun and I "insist" on hanging onto that memory....and yet...

well I guess you just have to find out

[BlueInanna]

maybe you should try tantric yoga (in california - i know a place)... that is supposed to be very fun, and reaching altered states without blood poisoning or damaging your beautiful mind.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

depends how long jD...

these things can just wear ya' down over time...

I remember VERY well when it was always fun and I "insist" on hanging onto that memory....and yet...

well I guess you just have to find out

lol.
this is only chapter one.

Originally Posted by junkDNA

lol.
this is only chapter one.

then it's a short book

[junkDNA]

not mine

just keep your library card updated

[hamster-bamster]

I really feel for you. I have no understanding of what you are going through, but I know that it can be very damaging. When I had my complete neuropsych eval done, the neuropsychologist kept asking me about drugs and alcohol, and I kept saying "no, no, no". Finally, he said that that is what had saved me - throw drugs and alcohol into my existing mix of diagnoses and the result might very well have been deadly.

Hey "Dubble", I know I'm kinda new and I don't know how you think of me, but I came

here because I wanted to finally meet some people that suffered from and sometimes

enjoyed (as wierd as that sounds) the same thing I did. I expected to find people

giving advice and just......well....boring, but maybe a little understanding. What I

found was so much more. I, like someone else said earlier, felt you were angry,

manic, depressed and tired of being where you were. That I understood. As I read

more I thought, COOL, this guy is way out there.....and I get it! I could relate to

all these people in some way, and they're not boring, or just giving advice. They're

expressing themselves in ways that I never felt comfortable doing cause no one ever

got me. So I have to ask, "Did I sign up for the D*MN Teletubbies facebook page,

with a baby faced sun every morning, fluffy bunnies and hopping laughing wierdly

contorted, unexplainable humanoids?" H*LL NO! I came here for hypomaniacs throwin

around thoughts that I can bounce my defective brain cells off of, I came here to

find people who's anxiety drove them to ruin things in their life that they will never

get back, and I came here to find people who have suffered from depression that

chains them to the bed and drives them to maddness. Not only did I find all this, but

I also found support for when I hit all those times and others I could support when

they were there. So, YES, we all read your words. Can we relate, YES, cause we've

been there. Do we always reply or have the mood to understand what your spewing

out, NO. It's called F ing BIPOLAR, and even you can understand that. But we do

care what your going through, and here's a news flash; YOU CARE ABOUT US TOO.

So if "yaaarrrrr" is gonna captain this boat we're all in through these crazy waters

then grab the helm and steer away, when your down and out and crawled back in

your captains quarters to scribble pictures of "Raggy Ann and Kermit the frog" on

prom night, then someone else will steer the ship until you come back. You wanna

beat yourself up, well that's fine too, hell we all do. You wanna think your worthless

and no one cares, go ahead, we all do this too. You wanna say your not getting any

help from this, go ahead, your not alone. We all know these feelings. Am I gonna

tell you to suck it up and pull your head outta your alien *ss, no, cause I'm just as

sick of hearing that too. So we'll all just wait and send our good hope to you until

return from the far reaches of deep space. We also all have our flaws, as another

person stated; drugs, alcohol, pills, sex (still thinking on this one) and anything

we think will help. (ok I get it now). So while we're being honest. Before my crash

over two years ago I was chugging down a fifth of vodka every three or four days.

That may not be as much as others have done but at 101 proof it was hard. A good

friend I lost because of my disorder said I was drinking kerosene. Do I do that much

now? No. But sometimes I get close. Other times I don't need it. But we're all not the

same. There I said it, even though I didn't want to. So , here's your honesty. Sorry for the long rant. Hope you

read this "Dubble" and it resinates with you somehow

[derekgraham78]

God I hate this disorder!! I have such a hard time slowing my mind down to appear normal to the "normal" anyone have trouble where you are in a conversation and you say something that only you can connect to the subject without explaining? The connection being out in left field and just barely connects to the subject

Meds:
Lithium Carb 300 mg 2 at breakfast 2 at dinner 1 at bedtime

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I love those crazy connections.

James,

I'm sorry. I am . I am sorry that you feel like a cheat. But I doubt that is true. A cheat at what? You seem plenty genuine to me.

I've been there. A long time ago but I swear I carved my name on the wall.. and the floor, ceiling, door, staircase, and the cellar.

I hope you can find ways to work through this. And the bit about the creativity, you will find a way. The creativity has to come out one way or another. I had a hard time, but I found other ways. I know a lot of creative people, and no matter what they are on, or not on, where they are at in life, the creativity always remains, sometimes it comes in waves, sometimes it recedes a little, but it always comes back.

I used to paint a lot, but I found myself very depressed all the time, the painting for some reason just pulled me there. Eventually I found other avenues to to work with that didn't help me self destruct. Maybe you'll find it to be similar, I dunno.

Don't worry about setting examples for others, only yourself. And you just set an example of honesty and sincerity, pretty good thing.

Just know that we care about you here, don't be too hard on yourself.

[beauflow]

DubbleMonkey/James

I have more written in the addiction thread I was talking with you on..

But My Brother is Dx as Bipolar1, he has had a very very rough year this year... Alcohol and drugs were one thing that he continued to use to self medicate.... I tried my best to lead by example of what I spoke of with myself, I let him know of what little things came form my stopping that life style and being at least watchful with my drinking; how less chaotic it seems with out self medicating that way (still chaotic at times with emotions but less than when on drugs and drinking) -- Some things people need to discover for themselves however...

The sad part is that my brother had to hit rock bottom.. He mentions as you have here-- Manic and drinking to slow down a little.. A lot of times it would not slow him down as he was wishing for, but instead he would crash down to depression. He did crashed, he crashed a few times this year but really hit rock bottom not too long ago.. he went back to jail, this time around though-- It seems as if someone noticed, some one noticed that he needs help... He is now starting his journey with healing and getting what medication he needs with assistance...

I can't do much besides be a ear to listen and to tell him it will be ok, and to encourage him to go threw his treatment-- I had a lot of stuff on my side with this all and it jeopardized my coping skills with it all... No familiar names in this thread, and I don't want to go threw it all again but the posts are out there.. But It hurts so much to see some one you love go threw something similar to which you have (i had), and to see them go further and unable to help themselves, and worse yet-- they are in a spot on not being able to listen to out side voices that are letting them know that people care... Some time people are not "really themselves" as I am sure some can agree with bipolar disorder.

But being a voice to encourage you (and any one else in this same boat as Dubblemonkey/James) is what I can now for another... -- please for your self, find a better coping way... Get some help.. AA and NA, and some other support groups I am sure are out there for you where you live...



I know it seems very hard in the beginning, and I wont sit here and say I don't still at times have urges to go back to the bottle when I feel out of control with emotions BUT I will say-- I do many times feel stronger in a sense...

And the times that I have, "broken my rules"; I don't see it as a cheat-- It is a slip up... It is a reminder of why I have my rules in a sense...
Meaning-- The Cheat Self Talk--- no, James-- you are not a cheat... you are a person genuinely trying to be better but is having a little struggle as some us all do from time to time.

Hey Monkey... I'm sorry you feel so bad. Blue had some great points about all of us being here for a reason, all (Most) are medicated if different ways. I cannot speak to the BP, but I've heard many things about it which are similar to ADD. For 43 years I thought I had no self control, I was weak minded, weak morally, selfish and lazy. I self medicated with women, food (A Lot) because after I got married I had to steer clear of situations which could lead to trouble with women, so I ate and ate and ate. I drank some, because it did slow down my racing thoughts, simplified and clarified my spinning brain, but then again while drinking I was weak if the fairer sex was around. There was also spending money, hyper-focus on the next toy, buy it, but the new and shiny wears off fast and so it is on to the item.

After my ADD Dx, all of that crap made sense... Adderall helps control and push those damn impulses down, but there are there, just waiting. I will say that I don't feel the need to drink nearly as much as the old days, I guess because the meds slow my spinning thoughts most of the time and drinking Still puts me in places where I could get myself in trouble.

Did you tell me at one time that meds like Adderall just did not work well for you? Too hard on the system? Have you talked to the doc about any alternatives? Some of the over the counter items can help, like Omega3 Fish oil, B12 and Juice Plus? Blue recommends yoga and I can tell you exercise helps me almost as much as the Adderall.

I've read in many places why alcohol helps the spinning mind, but alcohol is so hard to maintain the levels which help without slipping to the other levels. You have such a creative brain, Monkey my friend. I don't think the alcohol is responsible for it, but renders the Assist by slowing all those great thoughts down so you can mesmerize us with your visuals from verbs and perfectly selected graphical references.

Hang in there my friend

[BlueInanna]

Any yoga is beneficial, but I was suggestively suggesting tantric yoga... errr... I've never had the opportunity to try it, but want to. It is an ancient technique to harness sexual energy for healing purposes or reaching altered states, etc.

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Any yoga is beneficial, but I was suggestively suggesting tantric yoga... errr... I've never had the opportunity to try it, but want to. It is an ancient technique to harness sexual energy for healing purposes or reaching altered states, etc.

I may need to read about this one.

My computer was hacked on August 31st, so it has been in repair shop until this afternoon. Dubble Monkey, I haven't gone back to see what's wrong, but if you're
feeling guilty about anything, remember that it's a normal emotional thing (and we're
pretty sensitive folks after all, so it can get sticky.)

Try some meditation-a few books on daily thoughts about keeping God in the small things might help--that, and letting your art work open you to its gift-giving sanity.

Good wishes,

Genetic

thankyou for the kind responses.

there is something cathartic I guess in exposing my shame...and I am ashamed and I want to overcome it....

but it's more than that, its an admission that I am scared....really scared of life and this illness and what little effect intellect has on either.

thanks again.

DM

Originally Posted by WNT2bNRML

Hey "Dubble", I know I'm kinda new and I don't know how you think of me, but I came

here because I wanted to finally meet some people that suffered from and sometimes

enjoyed (as wierd as that sounds) the same thing I did. I expected to find people

giving advice and just......well....boring, but maybe a little understanding. What I

found was so much more. I, like someone else said earlier, felt you were angry,

manic, depressed and tired of being where you were. That I understood. As I read

more I thought, COOL, this guy is way out there.....and I get it! I could relate to

all these people in some way, and they're not boring, or just giving advice. They're

expressing themselves in ways that I never felt comfortable doing cause no one ever

got me. So I have to ask, "Did I sign up for the D*MN Teletubbies facebook page,

with a baby faced sun every morning, fluffy bunnies and hopping laughing wierdly

contorted, unexplainable humanoids?" H*LL NO! I came here for hypomaniacs throwin

around thoughts that I can bounce my defective brain cells off of, I came here to

find people who's anxiety drove them to ruin things in their life that they will never

get back, and I came here to find people who have suffered from depression that

chains them to the bed and drives them to maddness. Not only did I find all this, but

I also found support for when I hit all those times and others I could support when

they were there. So, YES, we all read your words. Can we relate, YES, cause we've

been there. Do we always reply or have the mood to understand what your spewing

out, NO. It's called F ing BIPOLAR, and even you can understand that. But we do

care what your going through, and here's a news flash; YOU CARE ABOUT US TOO.

So if "yaaarrrrr" is gonna captain this boat we're all in through these crazy waters

then grab the helm and steer away, when your down and out and crawled back in

your captains quarters to scribble pictures of "Raggy Ann and Kermit the frog" on

prom night, then someone else will steer the ship until you come back. You wanna

beat yourself up, well that's fine too, hell we all do. You wanna think your worthless

and no one cares, go ahead, we all do this too. You wanna say your not getting any

help from this, go ahead, your not alone. We all know these feelings. Am I gonna

tell you to suck it up and pull your head outta your alien *ss, no, cause I'm just as

sick of hearing that too. So we'll all just wait and send our good hope to you until

return from the far reaches of deep space. We also all have our flaws, as another

person stated; drugs, alcohol, pills, sex (still thinking on this one) and anything

we think will help. (ok I get it now). So while we're being honest. Before my crash

over two years ago I was chugging down a fifth of vodka every three or four days.

That may not be as much as others have done but at 101 proof it was hard. A good

friend I lost because of my disorder said I was drinking kerosene. Do I do that much

now? No. But sometimes I get close. Other times I don't need it. But we're all not the

same. There I said it, even though I didn't want to. So , here's your honesty. Sorry for the long rant. Hope you

read this "Dubble" and it resinates with you somehow

...yes I sure did read this. forgive me for the delay

it's quite magnificent!....thankyou. I could not read it before now

and I cannot discount the fine comments of others here as well...I am still making my weary way through them....

...hamster...blue...junk...derek ...dark....beau....YYZ...genetic and anika.

it's always hard to generously credit everybody who contributes equally like a family we all play a part...

That's what friends do

Originally Posted by YYZadd

That's what friends do

you are a good friend YYZ...

I just hope I can be there for you ...and likely you will say I already am..

and yet

...I just cannot help but feel I always get more than I give

Well you have helped Monkey... I have read posts where you help others too. The cool thing about friendship, is nobody keeps score I am glad to call you a friend.