[Victoria'smom]

SU trigger Please don't go any further if it'll bother you........






































Trigger

Please don't think bad of me......















Trigger..... 12 yr old suicide











My 12 yr old next door neighbor committed suicide on Monday. I didn't think much of this, in regards to myself, until a neighbor told us there was a vigil. I realized I was jealous that he succeed. Yes, I was mortified by my feeling too. When realizing that I feel that way I though it was best for us not to attend. We're in a close knit community so we made an excuse that we had things already planned and left the complex. Well there's another one Monday. Given my current state, my husband just getting out of a long depression, and it possibly triggering my son, I really feel it's a bad idea for us to go. I really don't know how to get out of going or should we just "suck-it-up" to support the family?

my God!....

I am in sudden tears just to see those words on the screen....
a 12 year old ...just a kid oh my God the poor kid what was happening?
in a twelve year olds mind to ...I am wet faced crap thats upsetting.

....my best mate died on purpose 3 years ago and I was undeniably jealous and I went to join him a couple months later I could not let it go and it all went wrong.

I really don't know what to advise?

I would probably make a personal and private comfort. I don't know it's so delicate and awfull I am still in tears..

a poor kid...****!

I'm sorry

[hamster-bamster]

MM, if you are in a tight-knit community, you should think of LT consequences of your actions. LT I feel it would be better to attend. Feel free to spill all the feelings that attendance arouses in you here, but do attend.

So sorry. First, don't go hard on yourself about the feeling you realized you had. They're feelings after all, and arise of their own accord.

Hard to know what to advise. First inclination is that if you know something will be bad or triggering for you, it is best to avoid it. You've had a lot on your plate lately as it is. As for HOW to... that will require some thought. I don't believe you have to make excuses for it, but some thoughts on how to maneuver through encounters would be useful.

The next-door neighbor and close knit community factors do complicate matters. I certainly don't envy your quandary. (Closest situation personally experienced was small town, mother of son's classmate. Though in a very bad place I wanted to go, which is admittedly weird. Not even sure about sharing my feelings -- the one you did and more.)

Inclination towards "sucking it up". Hmmm. Not generally a big fan of that in big situations. In lesser situations yes, as it can be built on and hold at bay the general tendency toward increasing difficulty, but in this situation there is no "building up to". Hmmm.

Will think more on it, but wanted to respond right away, most especially with many big ssssssssssss for you. Again, so sorry.

[sweepy62]

We are here for u I'm not thinking bad about u and neither is the pc family

[Victoria'smom]

Thank-you guys. I'm so conflicted, that could have been / could be anyone in my family (son, dh or me). I'm just getting myself together (I think, I know T wont agree). I really don't want to risk T suggesting inpatient Wednesday but I do have to live here for another year.

My husband is so close on the issue because it's so close to home but he doesn't feel we should go because we didn't know him.They moved in a month ago. He's also rather angry because he feels it could have been prevented. I think he's really just scared for our son and that both of us have been in that spot less then 2 months ago. How he ended was a way that we have both thought about and now we know it could be successful. So I'm sure that scares him too. In emotional situations I'm the one who decides.

So I may be doing this alone if I go. I'm worried that being jealous shows that I'm in a worse place then I thought. I don't want to feel guilty later or go if they are going to send me spiraling down. It doesn't help that I have never been to one.

I was undeniably jealous

We are here for u I'm not thinking bad about u and neither is the pc family

thank-you because I am. I feel it is selfish to feel that way

Though in a very bad place I wanted to go

I would to if I was in that mood.

[BlueInanna]

MM

I don't know what to say... I can't think of a bit of good advice... What a confusing situation to be in...

YOU ARE SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU REALIZE! AND YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON AND A GREAT FRIEND!! You are so concerned and caring for others that you put the longest, most perfect trigger warning I have ever seen on a post!

All week you have been there for me, checking in, offering your support. You remembered my birthday and sent me such a sweet, happy, bright note!!

When I ask about you, you just want to be there for me. And all this time, you've been dealing with a suicide next door omg it is so horrible. I understand the mixed emotions and do not think any less of you!!

You have to take of your sanity and health, and your family's. But also I feel so bad for the family of the boy. And that even if you didn't know them well, they only moved in a month ago, and maybe they don't have much support. They could've had a horrible stressful move. This is in no way your job to be all of their support, or to become friends, or to go over and have tea... unless you wanted to of course. But it could mean a lot to them to have more people present at their son's service. Idk, maybe they wouldn't notice through their tears, and you could probably easily leave early if you need.

I have more thoughts and worries about one of my children dying by suicide than myself. I guess maybe with these crazy teen years and their attempts, I don't even have time to. But one of the worries of mine is, if I did die, who would come to a service for me, would there even be a service, and how that would make everything worse for my kids, if no one came. And I wonder and worry about if they were to die, would anyone come to a service for them? Would I stand there alone, no husband, no family?

My 'community' is a bunch of self righteous judgemental yuppies. I keep to myself mostly except for the other people who come out at night so to speak. There was much judgement after my daughters sui attempt when she was 14. No flowers, no get well cards, just mean looks. Her friends stopped being allowed to come over...

And my grandma's suicide... by train, left my dad to have to identify her body. I wasn't born yet. But my dad's exwife was remarried to a jehovahs witness man and they decided that she'd been posessed by the devil and must burn all her belongings and pictures of her (they had no problem keeping all the money she left them - she had started and owned some restaurants). My dad told me about her when i was 16 and I had made an attempt. But i wonder if there had even been a service for her, and if anyone went or did everyone hate her and believe she was posessed? She was just sick and needed help.

I'm digressing, I'm sorry. I want to be here for you You must do what is best for you and your family, but if you could bear stepping into the uncomfortable, it would show support to this family who has lost a child.

[abience]

Miguel's mom,
Wow! What to say. I guess just be honest really. I too have felt jealous that someone was sucessful at suicide. It was a co-worker of mine. He had even taken a suicide prevention class with me. It was only 3 months after I had been hospitalized for my own plan. In the end, I had to help pack up all his belongings and help send them to his mom. The whole time being torn about how it was such a tragedy and the jealousy. He really seemed to be a great guy and no one knew he was even thinking that way. So for me, I understand your feelings as hard as they are.

As for supporting the family, only do what you feel you can do. Period. My nephew committed suicide at the age of 13. So young they are. I personally could not attend the funeral, because I was so angry at his foster mom for letting it happen, I would have done her some serious damage if I had seen her. My sister understood. We can only do what we can. No more. Maybe, if you can, you can support the family in another way, by maybe taking by a meal so they don't have to cook. That way they know you care. Just a suggestion. My thoughts are with you as you and your family process this difficult issue.

[bluemountains]

I have three 12-yr. old sons so this hit close to home for me.
Are you able to attend the vigil, MM? Don't worry about judgement, just decide whether you can attend and be supportive.
I also went through a sui. of a friend's sister last week. I attended the visitation, open casket, and I was jealous, too, when looking at her, but feeling guilty when talking to her family. I felt good about going and being supportive, but the sui. is still haunting me. I don't want to go into too much detail because of triggering possibilities, but I am in a strange place now. If you do go, MM, make sure you can handle the feelings afterwords. I completely flipped from hypomania to deep depression and I have a feeling that attending the visitation has contributed to my current state.
Bluemountains

[Victoria'smom]

I'm really glad I'm not alone for feeling jealous.

I have more thoughts and worries about one of my children dying by suicide than myself.

Me too, that's why Miguel wont be attending. I think I'm going to make a sympathy card and put it in there mail box. Then I can maul over it until Monday night. If I do chose to go I will be the only one attending in my household . I wish my husband would come but he has his own feelings to sort out. I have to respect that. How would I know if attending will be harmful for me?

I think death by train was his first thought but having a gun did him in.

I think that knowing whether or not it would be harmful for you to attend will be something your will just know in your gut. To relate it to personal recent experience... I had a very big decision to make. Every fiber of my being told me not to. (Used the the very words, "every fiber of my being" even at an appt, which psych repeated... probably to get me to hear myself and let me have the light go on inside instead of hearing it from the outside. You know, how they do, and it works best. Even realized that was what was going on.) Nonetheless, I justified the opposite decision with words. And, to be honest, fear of others' reactions was a big factor driving that. One thing I did anticipate was that going would destabilize me. Even minimized the impact of that to justify. Easy to do when one is stable, no? Anyway, turns out my gut was right. Hugely right.

This was a decision I struggled with. Big time. Both had merit. Whichever way you decide, the parallels are there to consider. Blah blah blah. Not about me. Just saying... listen to your gut.

You know thing where one flips a coin about a decision? Assign an answer to each side. When it is in the air, you suddenly realize you want it to land a specific way. That's probably your gut.

[Victoria'smom]

I texted a friend "Not going Monday, subject is to close to home. Sorry". If I was the parent I wouldn't want someone to risk the same tragedy by attending. Staying alive and out of the hospital is my number one goal. Everyone knows we've been depressed and isolating ourselves. A lot of people here know our dx, our son can't keep his mouth shut, and a handful are very supportive. So I am hoping they'll run interference for us. I don't feel I'm stable enough, given T wanted me hospitalized less then two weeks ago.