Accepting my illness

I was diagnosed about 13 years ago (I'm 39 now) when I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt so things were pretty rock bottom at the time. I know I felt a sense of relief, but I was also wary. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with depression and then "atypical" depression becuase I wasn't responding to anti depressants - because I was bipolar and no one had figured it out.

So, for awhile I felt like I was going to spend another 10 years living in chaos and then the doctors would say "oh, it's not bipolar disorder, we don't know what it is, we can't help you." (Which didn't happen).

It was still a scary experience and I didn't know what was going to happen and part of me didn't want to change. The way one therapist told me I'd built a house (my coping skills and the way I interacted with people) and now I was going to have to tear down the house and built it new again. She also told me that I was in control - I could take my meds and go to therapy or not take my meds and go to therapy or not take my meds and not go to therapy. But things weren't going to change unless I took my medicine (and we found something that worked) and I went to therapy. And for awhile I didn't do anything and nothing got better.

So I started trying to find medicine and I went to therapy and things improved.

I will say that my bipolar disorder was mostly depression with hypomania and that when I was truly manic it wasn't anything I'd consider positive or creative. It was chaos and horrible. I often wished I could blame my behavior on being drunk.

Also I make a big point now of saying I have bipolar disorder instead of I am bipolar because not only am I more than my illness I have the bipolar disorder (relatively) under control.

Once I was on medication and saw what life was like when I wasn't being controlled by the bipolar disorder I never wanted to go back. There wasn't anything positive in the hypomanias and mania for me.

I think overall it took me several years before I got a mix of medication that would work and I trusted the process (so to speak) so it takes time but hopefully you'll get there.

Julietgahan--I had to come to the same conclusions. It's hard to accept at first but kinda nice to know why our bad days are more bad than most people's. I also feel less creative. But I'm just glad to not be always so up and down. Don't get me wrong, as from my latest post, I'm still up and down but have it less frequently. Tonight's a bad night and BlueInanna hit the nail on the head with the full moon thing. Might be my issue. That beautiful moon sure can wreck Havock.

I was so happy to have a name for what was going on that I just didn't care. After a few years though, I feel kind of angry about it. There are worse fates. Meds work, for the most part and it is possible to live an "ordinary" life, but it takes discipline, a good Psychiatrist and therapist and most important, to stay on your meds. Many of us reach a point where we feel better and think we don't need meds anymore, when the fact of the matter is that we feel better because the meds are working. Don't fall into that trap! Hang in there.

Thank you so much for the posts! This has made me realize I'm not alone. I just want some clarity through all of the madness...right now, I feel like the doctors keep coming up with their own medicine cocktail! I'm hoping they will get it right soon!

Not alone at all. I did not want to be BP. Like many others have already stated, I wondered what parts of my personality would be left and what parts would medication take away? I also had a bad experience with my first attempt at being treated w/ meds and took me yrs to go back for treatment. I knew I had to do something and God led me here and everyone encouraged me to go back and give the med thing another shot. I'm just now starting to feel the meds start to take effect but the therapy in the meantime has been a lot of help.

Yesterday I was very aware that the meds are working. I live about an hr away from the university where I attend. My car started giving me a huge fit and my classes were frustrating and I came home and my daughter had put hand-washing soap in the dishwasher and we had a Brady Bunch scene going on in my kitchen. Normally I would have either took my little girl's head off with a rake or broke into tears but I actually LAUGHED!

I said this before. You don't need to accept to be "ill", having "broken brain", etc.

I see myself as troubled. And I do what it takes to help myself not to be so troubled. If I was forced to accept I am ill, i'd be struggling hard, self-sabotaging and running around doing the craziest shiite.

and as for meds? I don't take them, but I have other dope (bach essences and such). But look, meds are no vitamins for brain and they don't really "correct the imbalances" despite what your doctors and pharma say... they are mind altering substances. Uppers and downers for most of the part. And? THere's nothing wrong with that. I feed on guarama and caffeine and valerian when i get fidgety. Humans did some sort of mind-altering subtances as long as the history goes.
So if you feel objectivelly better/more capable and the side effects are not killing... well, that go for it. If it don't work, don't let anybody force you in them.

I was relieved... Then I grieved what I thought was normalcy, but once I was medicated, I realized that I never did have normalcy in the first place. I know it sounds weird but I wanted my bipolar back, and so quit my meds. Lol, sorry, my point was meant to be, do what works for you. Like Venus,I refuse to see myself as 'ill' way too depressing a mindset for me to adopt.I did however think of meds,therapy and what not,as tools in my bp survival kit. I just have different tools now love yourself,all of u.