Accepting my illness

Hello,

I'm new to the group and new to bipolar disorder. I keep thinking of past events in my life and they all seem to fit being bipolar, but I'm still in denial. Did any of you feel this way when you first received the diagnosis? How did you come to terms?

Thanks in advance!

Well Im still not 100% there myself, but yeah it made alot of sense so its nice to just be able to get treated and get everything taken care of. Its nice to have at least a name to the behaviors that caused some of the things Im still dealing with. I have been able to come to terms with each day being better and not feeling like I did and not having to give a reason or every odd ball behavior I had. Good luck on your journey but of course it has been around for a while for each of us it never started once we got dxed so now you can just get help.

Welcome!!! I'm pretty new on here and asked this same question. I was diagnosed years ago and after some very confusing and self-destructive events, I had to accept being BP. The meds are actually life savers. Im on Lamictal with Wellbutrin and I feel like I've found a new life. I understand why I've done what I have done in the past. Things become More clear. Been able to repair alot of damage I created to myself and others. It's ok to feel strange about it. BP is not understood by many. It's a chemical imbalance and you're helping yourself. That's awesome. So many people out there have mental illnesses and honestly as you see things more clearly with meds, you'll see many people who no doubt can use some meds themselves lol most important thing is to get the right meds and start to enjoy life with a more rational mind. It may take awhile to accept but you are NOT alone. We are all here for anything life throws at you hugs

welcome, yes major denial here... taken me much time to process the idea and decide what it means to me. I mourned past highs and lows, mistakes and achievements, wondered who the f.ck I really was, but then decided that was still my life, my experiences, mine, and bp won't steal them from me. may sound dramatic, i am in that sort of mood... Seems to be a personal experience as we all have to walk our own path of coming to terms with it.

I was diagnosed last year at age 44 .. Looking back now I can see where BP has affected my whole life. Have I come to terms with it? depends on which day you ask me lol.
I'm still in search of finding a good stable ground to stand on. Do I expect to have many ups and downs in my life? Yes and I think its realistic at least for me to know that this is a illness I will have to manage for life , same as any other illness a person could have.

BlueInanna did you find looking at your past with frustration with the "what the f&$@ was I thinking? I see you mourned things. Just caught my attention cuz that's my spit right now as you'll see from my last topic posted

lol, did you see what i wrote on the peace post? are you my astro-twin?

i was just where you are passion... except... i wasn't married and i rarely got caught. i admitted the women i'd slept with to him. i haven't done anything in 9 months. and i decided i wasn't going to admit it all to him and hurt him just to alleviate my guilt. but i'm also trying to leave the relationship because some important things like emotional needs were not being met. i'm pretty mixed up right now about this topic.

anyway, found the right med combo (for now) - one that didn't make me feel like a different person, because I won't go for that! yes, much much mourning. and wondered if my marriage 20 years ago and my children were products of mania! but you can't go there, i drove myself crazy going there, these wonderful things and disastrous things of our past are still ours, our journey, part of the great mystery of life. you will find your answers and your balance, we all will. we show we are working on it by just showing up in here and talking about it.

Did any of you feel this way when you first received the diagnosis? No not denial. I went straight to fire breathing dragon mode. Slewing things at my husband like "If I'm BP so are you!!" (turns out he was), How did you come to terms? I haven't really come completely to terms with it. I go to therapy, my psychiatrist, and take my much needed medication. I create safety nets to weather the storms with "this shall pass" but it seems to pass slower with medication.

I felt a lot of relief mostly. It made sense and I was glad I could start putting pieces back together but that's the tough part. I was diagnosed 6 months ago and since then had a serious hypo episode where I messed up a lot of stuff in my life, went off meds, and denied having bipolar. Now, I'm back with it, trying to find the right meds and getting talk therapy, charting my moods when I'm not too lazy. I think I'm still trying to come to grips with it. It's such a huge thing to accept and it's hard.

Umm... I'm still in sort of denial. It's something that for me is easy to put out of my mind and I really don't remember when i am caught up doing something. It's only when the negative effects or a swing hits that I really think about it. otherwise it just brings me down feeeling defective.

Hey there,

When I was first diagnosised ie 1 month I felt relief as now I had a name for why I felt so lousy/high. But that soon vanished and I became hateful and in denial about the illness. I guess I am not 100% there either. I am slowly learning that I have Bipolar but learning that Bipolar does NOT define me is hard. I guess its a time thing. In time you will accept your diagnosis.

Denial for sure. I was really shocked by the dx and now I am not really sure why that was because it seemed to explain a lot. I am still wrapping my brain around it but the hardest part now for me is I don't know who I am, I don't know what is my "normal" or "stable". It sorta sucks. I am confused by it more than anything; how much of me is really me and how much is the bp? makes me kinda sad when I think of certain past moments and relieved with others. If nothing else, I am taking advantage of this new insight and trying to sort through all of the pieces to try to put the puzzle of tree together. xo

I echo what a lot of people have said here. In fact, there is still just a wee bit of denial left that I have yet to work through, especially in view of the fact that I'm 7 months post-diagnosis and I'm not fixed yet. I don't deal well with the "lifelong" aspect of this thing. I'm used to getting an illness, taking pills for a week or two and then the illness goes away. But with bipolar, I've had one single, blessed, month-long period of stability since I was diagnosed (and undoubtedly for many years before that), and that's it---I'm back to struggling for every bit of sanity I can possibly grasp. Thank God for my meds, or I'd be a hot mess.........again.

It helps a lot to be able to come here and 'chat' with others who share this affliction and fight the same battles. There is so much knowledge and wisdom here. Drink deeply of it, and learn.

I found grieving pretty helpful. I think that's something everyone with any long term dx goes through. You are still the same person before you heard the words, but you will grieve the person you *thought* you were, even if one and the same. It is like a loss, and all losses have period of mourning. Takes time and acceptance. Never easy tho.

I have accepted it now, but It took me about 6 years to get there, not kidding, but I really dug my heals in. And I wasn't here or talking to anyone else either, I think that might have helped me come to terms sooner.

I went from several years of taking ant-depressants for a depression dx, but still having outbursts and very odd behavior, to finally getting the correct dx of bipolar. It took 6 months of weekly/biweekly visits to the pdoc and therapist in order to get meds and coping skills that allow me to accept the bp. I still go through times that I believe a big mistake has been made.
We are here for you as you work with your dx.
Bluemountains

[QUOTE=Clinte89;2601249]Well Im still not 100% there myself, but yeah it made alot of sense so its nice to just be able to get treated and get everything taken care of. Its nice to have at least a name to the behaviors that caused some of the things Im still dealing with. I have been able to come to terms with each day being better and not feeling like I did and not having to give a reason or every odd ball behavior I had. Good luck on your journey but of course it has been around for a while for each of us it never started once we got dxed so now you can just get help.[/QU

[QUOTE=Miss Laura;2602141]Hey there,

When I was first diagnosised ie 1 month I felt relief as now I had a name for why I felt so lousy/high. But that soon vanished and I became hateful and in denial about the illness. I guess I am not 100% there either. I am slowly learning that I have Bipolar but learning that Bipolar does NOT define me is hard. I guess its a time thing. In time you will accept your diagnosis.
[/QU Hello after being misdiagnosed for many years for depression-i finally have been on medications for 7 months. I am happy that i am being treated,what surprises me is that there is some parts of being bipolar that i miss. Since being medicated, i lost a lot of self confidence in myself especially regarding how i look and feel about the way i look-the medications also have a side effect of short term memory loss-i am constantly repeating myself which is having a tendency of frustrating others, and constantly i am forgetting thing in general and losing my train of thought.

it's a shame that the majority of us were misdiagnosed for years-and not receiving proper meds. I have been treated now with 3 meds for almost a year. Its nice not having the episodes of mania/severe depression,however, there are side effects of medication that are no fun. I feel like i lost all of my personality, i suffer from short term memory loss and i am constantly repeating myself to the point were others are very annoyed, i lose my train of thought. I feel like i am existing only and not living anymore. I am happy that i came on this site . Reading other people's posts and seeing the similarity has left me feeling not so alone-i feel understood-unless you are bipolar no one can know what we have been through and what we will continue to go through.

That's just it. You all "get it". My family, friends, and co-workers are very supportive, but I'm the only bipolar person around so they don't really know what to do with me when I'm in trouble. They also can't really help much when I just need someone to bounce things off of. I adore my pdoc, but don't want to bug him every time I have a hiccup, and much of the time I don't really need professional help, just a friendly ear and perhaps some advice from others who are going through the same crap I am. PC and this forum provide those things, and I'm grateful for that.

I find that acceptance happens in stages, in pieces, not everything at once. I am now going through the stage of accepting that I cannot sleep without drugs - as you know, sleeping difficulties go hand in hand with bipolar. I thought I embraced my dx but it turned out, I was not ready for the realization that my brain is uncapable of shutting down on its own. After all, sleeping is such a natural function - you'd think it would be as easy as breathing but NO!

Why do I become a monster to those who care about me? I rage and hurt their feelings; I HATE being this way!! How can I even think of having kids when they could turn out this way too. I've always been known as "eccentric" but I feel like know I'm officially the "crazy" lady. I know if my husband leaves me it will be my own fault because I can't seem to stop being a total ***** all the time. It's hard enough keeping it together at work, I don't know how I am suppose to deal with this for the rest of my life.

BlueInnana--I actually blew up on my
Husband tonight. Words flew out like darts and vomit. Lol. He hardly acknowledged my unhappiness. Wtf is that? I swear I live with a dead tree. Ugh. It is a struggle. What to do?? I only got BP since married. Many people and therapist think I'm just bursting with emotions and my mood swings are ONLY related to this nutty life. Kinda like your scenario. So you've been able to be good. That's awesome. Are you dying to just go find what you need now??? I crave it. I have a tattoo on my back that's in Chinese and says Crave. Passion on my leg. Lol. The tats tell my life right?

i've been irritable and losing my cool too often lately. i kept yelling tonight at my older son, even yelling that i love him but had a bad day and it's not his fault but he needs to step up and help with cleaning. i'm on edge, work sux right now...

but now the full moon is up and i want to go play! i want to go out and have fun, make new friends, i want a lover (just 1 lol). but i'll probably be good cuz i'm not exactly completely broke up yet with the bf. he has been out of town and i'm confused.

if you're wondering about the bp dx being correct or not, i go through the same thing all the time in my mind. i keep questioning, signs keep pointing to yes, but i've learned skills, and once i get my life in order and the kids ok, i'll be able to have something closer to the life i want.

i'm on a moon high and i took a clonopin, ambien, benadryl and i'm still awake. ...sorry if i didnt answer what you were asking.

Hey IgnoranceIsBliss,

I have been diagnosised 2 years next month and I am STILL struggling with accepting my illness. My Mania shoots up constantly cause I stop and re-start my meds like a rollercoaster. I am struggling to accept when I am ill and how to prevent it. I am struggling with the fact I take meds and I struggle with the fact the meds DO make me feel better (hate to admit it)

*I had my Support Worker yesterday and she is concerned about me as I was anxious and fidgety a lot more than normal. (She needs to establish if it is cause I am ill or if I it is cause I became an Auntie last week) I lied to her and said I was fine. I wasn't. I lied to her and said I have been taking my meds, when I haven't. I was up in total 36 hours yesterday no sleep at all Thursday night and was up straight through till 10pm on Friday night. She knows I was awake and didn't sleep and I said I took my meds and they didn't work..... I didn't take them and I have been lying to her.

My Support Worker has asked me what do I tell myself when I take my meds.... I don't say anything to be honest.

I NEED TO ACCEPT MY BIPOLAR DIAGNOSIS. I AM NOT THE ILLNESS. BUT TO ME I AM. I LOST MY JOB, MY LIFE, MY FRIENDS BECAUSE OF IT AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT/WHO I AM.

Sorry if this isn't helpful

One thing is for sure I can't stop lying to myself. I say I love my creative side but what about the chaos that can come with it? I always thought I was a strong woman but my sensitive side is outta control. It's OK to admit that you need help! It's called accountability and I owe it to myself and my family to stop suffering in silence. I can't let BP ruin my life!