bye bye...........i dont know what to do

yeah I'm all over the place...

even so!...it was pretty selfish to scare you....

I panic sometimes and alot

thanks for being so understanding lv, dm

I might actually need to do something about it

in the meantime I will just keep it together somehow.

glad you are ok
Just logged on and saw all the messages....
Hope you are feeling better soon...

And for the record its 000 not 911 in Aussie land...
Glad u didn't need it but please get some help if you do need it

Sweetie, will you please call your p doc or therapist tomo?

baby I just don't know what to say to them

I don't really know how to say I'm not ok

makes me feel like life is just a big pretending thing

I've been horrribly unstuck so many times and I just hide in the corner in the dark and wait for it to go away...I hope really hard enough and it does it's nasty in the meantime I don't know how to say I'm not ok...

all I want to be is ok I miss being ok I hope to be ok again

you are sweet kind....thankyou...

lv, monkey

I totally get that! When your i'm not okay, but when I go to say it, my brain takes over and it minimizes everything and I feel foolish and make things okay, until I don't need to say it anymore and then the world crashes down again!!!!!! It's like feeling better at the doctors office, and then feeling back to bad once I leave!

But James, you are forgetting the most important thing, YOU ARE WORTH IT! You are worth taking that chance that you are not making things worse than they are and that this is real and saying so to your Pdoc. If he is any good, then you can show him your posts on here too! If you can't really talk, you can do the whole blog thing and then show him that. You can write it all down and then show him/her.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that there are ways to get across just how bad things are for you without that dreaded moment of letting it all go in the office. Your worth the effort James, So hurry up and take that chance so you can be feeling better! You don't really have anything to lose, right? You can only feel better from this point on.

Keep us updated on how it goes letting your Pdoc know what is happening. Take care James!

Dan you be the kinda guy I reckon I could care about beyond this world.

thanks man!

...so I will anyway

care about you too!

You know, Dan makes a really good point here. If you get the "placebo effect" from just going into the doctor's office, write it down before you go. I did this when I was seeing a T in high school after I was raped. I couldn't bring myself to actually talk about it, so I wrote it down. I wrote like six pages talking about what happened and what my reaction to it was, and then I just gave it to her to let her read. Then she knew what was going on and I didn't have to sit and try to explain it all while I was there. It gave us a good starting point to try to make things more manageable. Maybe that would help you get through it better.

You could at least try and see if it gets you further than you would get otherwise. Sometimes being online sucks. Sometimes it makes it so hard to get emotions across, like the fact that it breaks my heart that you are hurting so much. I wish there was more I could do for you, and I'm sure everyone else does too. But we're here for you.

Like I said, just try writing it all down. If you can't bring yourself to actually give it to your doctor, sometimes just the act of writing down everything you're feeling can be a good bit of therapy for yourself. I had a falling out with my dad almost five years ago, and I've wrote him plenty of unsent letters, and they usually seem to help. I hope that you've pulled something that can help from what me and Dan have said. We love you and we all want you to feel better, and you're not alone when you feel this way.

you just stopped me in my tracks

Oh, I get this. I don't like asking for help. I hate it. I'm terrible at it. And I just explode inwardly. Implode, I guess.

Maybe what you need is a battle cry. So that when you're in the corner you can build the power you need to fight back. That's what a battle cry is for, right. It's like making yourself bigger. Like a bear standing up on back legs to go from being this fuzzy furball into this towering, intimidating death monster. And then what does the bear do? He roars!

It's a warning. It says "don't mess with me, I'm stronger than you, fool!" And it's empowering to you.

Just a suggestion.

Also, remember that Shakespear wrote that "all the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and entrances, and in his time one man plays many parts." So, life often can feel like it is pretend. But, it's true actually, and it's okay to have to be in the role of the guy who needs help from his T or pdoc. If you need to call, please do.

When the Monkeys are down, This is you James!

amazing YYZ!!....i'm not the slightest bit surprised magnificent fellow



what the hell is that bear upset about??

hehe...

probably lotsa' sh.it!

Don't EVEN ask him "Does a Bear $h.it in the woods?"

just laughing mate....alot....

brilliant....

thankyou buddy