[PiperLeigh]

So this has been a rough year. Mixed episode with near suicide attempt at the end of February. I've been holding on and trying to get help ever since. I'm still a bit in the thick of it, depression wise, but I've been compliant with taking my meds and seeing my p-doc. I'm a wife and mom and "high functioning" I guess you could say (I hide my issues pretty well from others for the most part). I'm a mom and I dress conservatively, though always in shades of gray, black or very dark navy. No other color. Ever. (I'm not "goth", not that there is anything wrong with that. But I'm just trying to describe how I dress and look.) Anyway...So recently my husband (who is extremely supportive) has been encouraging me to maybe get out and try to buy one shirt or outfit that isn't grey or black. He just wants me to feel good about myself and I think he was thinking that getting me into some color would maybe make me feel cheerful or something. So I think okay, what the heck, how hard could that be for me. I've been taking my medication, talking things through with my mentor, etc. I've been really compliant with everything I've supposed to do. Maybe I'm ready to go out and add a little color to my life.

So I have spent the last week and a half shopping for a shirt or sweater of any color. And...I've had three panic attacks while shopping. Turns out this is really hard. I'm all dark and twisted inside and there's clearly a reason I wear shades of gray and black. It's because I don't feel like wearing color. Color doesn't feel right on me. I feel so stupid as I go through the stores passing thousands of shirts and sweaters of every color. What is my problem? I see so many outfits that are absolutely gorgeous. I think they are beautiful. I think they look amazing and can picture them on other people. Some I can even imagine what they might look like on a happier version of myself, but even if I'm brave enough to take them to try on, I end up sobbing in the dressing room because I don't even recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror.

I know I probably need some pretty intense therapy, but financially that is completely impossible. It's not going to happen. I do have a supportive husband and a very loving mentor who is like a mom to me, so I do count myself blessed that there are two people I can talk to. But I know this kind of thing kind of leaves them completely speechless. I'm pretty embarrassed by it. I know how dumb it is. I did eventually end up buying a very, very dark teal sweater (still a color, but very dark) so I sort of feel like maybe I didn't totally fail. I'm not sure if I will actually wear it, but I am trying. Sigh.

I could really use a hypomanic or manic episode right now. I know I'm not supposed to wish for that, but this depression is kicking my butt and I'd really like to feel a little thrill and happiness. I figure maybe someone else here might be able to relate.

[hamster-bamster]

You said you can picture other people in brightly colored clothing. Can you buy a primary color sweater for your husband? It would be cheaper than therapy.

[Trippin2.0]

I think I know what you mean, altho my story was different. I was teenager, all my clothes were black, nope,not goth either, black just felt right. Sure I had 2 or 3 different coloured tops, but always had an excuse to not wear them. Colour just felt wrong on me,made me feel out of place and fake... That changed after I had my daughter tho. Suddenly fuchia is my favourite 8yrs later, I still love it. I hear you tho Maybe wear the teal inside the comfort of your own home, see if it grows on you...

[moremi]

Originally Posted by PiperLeigh

So this has been a rough year. Mixed episode with near suicide attempt at the end of February. I've been holding on and trying to get help ever since. I'm still a bit in the thick of it, depression wise, but I've been compliant with taking my meds and seeing my p-doc. I'm a wife and mom and "high functioning" I guess you could say (I hide my issues pretty well from others for the most part). I'm a mom and I dress conservatively, though always in shades of gray, black or very dark navy. No other color. Ever. (I'm not "goth", not that there is anything wrong with that. But I'm just trying to describe how I dress and look.) Anyway...So recently my husband (who is extremely supportive) has been encouraging me to maybe get out and try to buy one shirt or outfit that isn't grey or black. He just wants me to feel good about myself and I think he was thinking that getting me into some color would maybe make me feel cheerful or something. So I think okay, what the heck, how hard could that be for me. I've been taking my medication, talking things through with my mentor, etc. I've been really compliant with everything I've supposed to do. Maybe I'm ready to go out and add a little color to my life.

So I have spent the last week and a half shopping for a shirt or sweater of any color. And...I've had three panic attacks while shopping. Turns out this is really hard. I'm all dark and twisted inside and there's clearly a reason I wear shades of gray and black. It's because I don't feel like wearing color. Color doesn't feel right on me. I feel so stupid as I go through the stores passing thousands of shirts and sweaters of every color. What is my problem? I see so many outfits that are absolutely gorgeous. I think they are beautiful. I think they look amazing and can picture them on other people. Some I can even imagine what they might look like on a happier version of myself, but even if I'm brave enough to take them to try on, I end up sobbing in the dressing room because I don't even recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror.

I know I probably need some pretty intense therapy, but financially that is completely impossible. It's not going to happen. I do have a supportive husband and a very loving mentor who is like a mom to me, so I do count myself blessed that there are two people I can talk to. But I know this kind of thing kind of leaves them completely speechless. I'm pretty embarrassed by it. I know how dumb it is. I did eventually end up buying a very, very dark teal sweater (still a color, but very dark) so I sort of feel like maybe I didn't totally fail. I'm not sure if I will actually wear it, but I am trying. Sigh.

I could really use a hypomanic or manic episode right now. I know I'm not supposed to wish for that, but this depression is kicking my butt and I'd really like to feel a little thrill and happiness. I figure maybe someone else here might be able to relate.

I dont wear much color either, but it doesnt have anything to do with my mood. I just happen to like darker colors. They look better on me. I do buy bright colored things when I am manic, but they dont really get worn. You need to give yourself credit because you did accomplish what you set out to do. You did buy a colored sweater. Maybe you can just wear the sweater for him out on a date or something. If it makes him happy it may make you happy too.

I believe all of us who get the euphoric mania have wished for it more than once. I know I miss it all the time. I told my husband Im addicted to my natural highs I get. Thats pretty screwed up that I am addicted to that chaos, but its truly better than any drug high people get addicted to. I have an addiction to narcotics thats been in recovery for a couple of years. I turned that over to God and I dont crave the pills anymore but I still crave my natural highs, love my hypo days.

[perseverance11]

Firstly, I hope you are doing better about your suicidal thoughts.
If I understand, you chose a dark sweater instead of a colored sweater because you think that your life is dark?

I f you don't have money for a therapy, ask some organisations, maybe they can help you, but talking about that here is a good start.

I think that something that can helps you in short-term is to make you some pleasure by shopping a colored sweater, maybe not for you, but for your husband. I like the idea of hamster-bamster.

I wish you the best!

[faerie_moon_x]

I hate shoping for clothes. It always makes me depressed because I can never find the clothes I like that actually fit me. Most of the clothes I like are just ones that fit the rules of my work.

But, I like to wear colors. Actually, (and I know a lot of people hate it,) I like to wear pink a lot. My favorite sweater is pink, and I also have it in purple. Before I met my husband I always told everyone I hated pink. When I met him he told me the reason I avoided pink was because I was avoiding being beautiful (and pink is often associated with princesses and "beauty.") So he bought me a pink wallet. After that... every time I see pink it reminds me that he thought I was beautiful. So, I like wearing pink.

Maybe what you need is to not shop for yourself (like others suggested.) But maybe what you need is for your husband to shop for you. Or someone else you love to shop for you. To take that first step to buy you a color they think makes you beautiful. Maybe that's the step you need.

[Anika.]

I always wore very drab colours too, grey brown, black, earthy green. My bf and sisters had been bugging me about it for a long time. And I didnthink that these colours suited my skin tone and hair.

I had went on many shopping trips to try and find just one colourful item. And it didn't go so good. I did not feel comfortable in any of the colours. I would get quite emotional about the whole thing. Angry inside even about feeling pressured into it, like no one could just accept me and leave it alone.

But I have been working on my confidence a lot. This summer I went out and bought a bunch of extremly colourful clothes, some more daring and sexy than i ever would have worn before. I always dressed fairly conservitive. But this time it was different, I actually felt great in these bright colours. And confident dressing a little more sexy. Not all the time, but sometimes it is nice. I discovered I was not afraid to be seen, to be noticed. That my dark wardrobe was me trying to blend in and not be seen.

And the anger I felt about being bugged to do this, well I realize know, they just wanted me to feel good.

Just saying I understand, and getting colourful is not such an easy task as it sounds. But I hope you give it another shot. Maybe try something smaller, like a scarf to start, or shoes.

But the real issues underneath, working on those whatever they are is where the real pay of is. If you can't afford therapy, there are lots of dbt, and cbt therapy workbooks available, lots of help online, libraries... I had to go this route, but I have made a lot of progress even without therapy. It might be easier to have a therapists help along the way, but I hope you find what you need.

[Blue Poppy]

I did not realize that I wore a lot of black until my boss (at the time) told me that I "should wear less black." Of course I didn't take her advice because she was a completely incompetent hag!!!!!!

It wasn't until my late twenties that I started to wear more color and I do feel better in it.

I think that my closet is reflective of my moods! If I have been low, it is rather drab. If I have been feeling normal or hypo, it is colorful and vibrant! I only realize this when my mood changes from one to the other.

I have started to monitor myself when I shop for clothes so that I don't end up with wardrobes that I want to completely change when my mood flips!

[Confusedinomicon]

I think that this is more of a confidence issue and that is why it is so hard for you to choose clothes that have colors. I think the best thing to do is slowly work yourself into wearing brighter colors, but not forcing yourself. I also think you don't need to purchase anything either to do this.

I would pick colors that resemble what you normally wear but a shade or two lighter and go from there. Don't feel bad about purchasing anything. You have to "own" it! Any small step is a good step and you should be proud of yourself for what you've been able to accomplish.

Remember, it takes small steps to reach the big goals.

[Anika.]

Ohh nail polish even, just thought of that

[MommaR]

Anika, that suggestion was absolutely inspired!

[PiperLeigh]

Thanks you all, I will keep trying.

For me, color must be for feeling something different inside. Like happy. Or at least at peace or something. I don't know. I just don't feel like I can wear color. I want to. But the second I put on color I freak out and have to take it off. I guess it doesn't really make sense and is silly. I love seeing other people in color. It makes me see them as happy or peaceful or something other than the feeling of sad and hopeless and the feeling of wanting to disappear that I feel inside. I really do want to try to change. I just don't think I'm there yet. When I looked in the mirror when I was shopping I couldn't even recognize myself in color. It was like looking at a stranger. I have no idea who that person was. It was not me. Not because I didn't like the clothes. Not because I didn't like the style. I just couldn't see myself because there was color there. It was horrible and I had to get rid of it and get back to where I could at least recognize myself. Seeing myself in the mirror in color was like looking in the mirror and being reminded that I was not really happy, I was just pretending I was. I was just a big fake. And being a fake was just a reminder that I was a failure at so many things. While my husband is supportive, this constant depression is a drain on him and he would appreciate it if I would just change. You know how it goes...a lot of negative talk up in my head. And that just set off a big panic attack and I just wanted out of there. Lots of tears. I didn't feel better. I felt worse. Ugh. The color had to go. I'm not making any sense. I'm sorry.

Anyway. I like the nail polish suggestion. I guess that doesn't sound quite as scary to me as wearing a whole entire shirt or sweater. I will try that. Thank you all for trying to understand and sharing your thoughts. I appreciate you all. <3

Piper, give yourself credit for the dark teal. It's a beautiful color. Agreed with Anika on the nail polish -- And remember, you can play with the boldest ones you like on your toes and get used to them before moving them up to the fingernails. Speaking of color fun -- underwear!
Another idea, for something like a shirt, is to wear it under a jacket or sweater. It can provide a nice contrast with your darker clothes, but be less overwhelming to you emotionally, especially as you start out.

Originally Posted by moremi

I dont wear much color either, but it doesnt have anything to do with my mood. I just happen to like darker colors. They look better on me. I do buy bright colored things when I am manic, but they dont really get worn...

Haha, this is almost the exact response to my psych when she "wondered" if I always wore black to not be seen(!) Heheh -- also said to my psych -- do you think my hair would be like this if that were the case? In fact, eyeing bright clothes is one of my hypo signs. (Or thinking how I really need several, but that is another issue... ) I just think it's striking. Not one to buy just "whatever" because it's black. I definitely have a style.

[Confusedinomicon]

If that is the case, then a perspective change is needed.

This is slow process and does not happen overnight. It will test you because it tests who you already identify with. Basically, you have to work on "self-love" and forcing yourself to endure anxiety in small exercises.

For instance, I have had body issues for a long time. (I still do, but it isn't as bad.) I picked fat, wore huge clothes to hide my fat and would make comments about my weight all the time. I'm an average size. I spent a lot of time in front of a mirror. I felt very uncomfortable because I felt huge. (I'd gained 10 lbs over a summer.) I did this exercise for a few months before I could identify with my own reflection. I'm lousy with losing weight, but I've been able to maintain and still identify with my reflection without believing I was this huge monster. About a year later I even managed to go shopping for clothes that fit and looked dressy.

I did something similar for negative thoughts. I used to be very pessimistic. I was unable to look at the light of anything and would often make grotesque unnecessary comments. The biggest thing that has helped me change through the past 4-5 years was identifying a negative thought.

http://www.cognitivetherapyguide.org...ht-records.htm

Here's a general list of things you can do about negative thoughts. Sometimes it helps me to talk about the negative thought with someone so they can help me see why the situation wasn't that bad.

Even today, I still struggle with negative thoughts on occasion. The anxiety from those negative thoughts can be overwhelming when I try to fight them, so I don't do it all the time. That doesn't mean I didn't win, it just means I have negative thoughts and I'm emotional. I'm fine with being emotional and I'm fine with asking for help.

I think if you work with your husband, he can help you overcome the thought pattern. I will tell you, though, it is not easy and you will not see a change overnight.

I also have to add that you should try to re-frame the clothes issue. Yes, you weren't comfortable in the color, but YES, YOU WORE IT! Since you're one day hoping to achieve 'happiness' (because its subjective) again, it means you took a step in the right direction. "I can't identify myself wearing color now, but I will try again as I work on self-esteem"

[Rennerenner]

Funny, I always wear blues, grays, black and white. I'm trying to wear more colors as well. They say if you wear yellow it will positively effect your mood.

[MommaR]

So many here have expressed similar feelings of being uncomfortable in bright colors. I can sometimes talk myself into a muted dark green, navy or burnt orange, but I usually wear grey, brown or black myself. I was just thinking that while to all of us this seems perfectly normal, I'll bet us brain storming ways to gradually integrate colored clothing would sound completely off the wall to normies.

[abience]

I used to be the same way. Mostly drab, dark clothes with some dark green thrown in. Then I gained over 70lbs on effexor and had to buy all new clothes. It was like, well you can't not see me anymore as big as I am, I'm gonna make sure you see pretty girly clothes since they have to be so big! Everything I bought had color to it. I even bought things in pink and purple. Being a tom boy, that was a major struggle! So now I've lost 50 of those 70 lbs, so do I go back to hiding or stay with the color? Two weeks ago I'd of said color, but been down the last two weeks and I don't think I have anything in my closet to match my mood. The important thing is you did it. You bought some color. That in my opinion was the big first step which means sucess.

a

[LiveThroughThis]

I commend you for at least getting to the store and trying. I can understand in my own way the feeling of looking in the mirror with nice things on, or makeup, and thinking, "This doesn't belong on me. I don't deserve to look this nice."

As others stated, I too adored black. Still do. Black naturally looks very good on me, as do other primary/muted colors. I HATED pink all of my teens/early 20s----one, I could never find a shade that looked good with my complexion, and two, it was simply "too girly." (It's taken years to feel comfortable in my female shape, only to gain 60+ pounds soon after.) Other day I was shopping for a top and so many of the season's clothes are really bright patterns, which normally I think don't look good on me or just don't like (I loathe yellow and orange, and brown). But for some reason I started taking chances on brighter colors, and they do give me a little pep, I've noticed.

Someone mentioned their husband buying them a pink wallet. I was thinking along the same lines---if the sweater you bought is not working right now, do you think you could try buying a cheap bracelet or some earrings that have color in them? A lot of times I dress all dark, then put on bright earrings, I like the contrast. Or you could baby step it more, and try having brighter colors simply next to you...like a teal colored candle or trinket? That way you don't have to wear it, but it's nearby without being intrusive? If it bothered you, you can get up and go somewhere else. Also as Anika brilliantly suggested--if you don't think you can wear the nail polish, put it on your nightstand instead?

I hope some of our suggestions have helped.

[PiperLeigh]

Thanks again for all your advice and tips on trying to work in some color a little at a time and also the advice about the cognitive therapy for approaching how I am thinking about myself. I recognize I have a lot to work on. I appreciate all your suggestions and encouragement. <3