How to use creativity without getting hurt ?

I have always been quite creative, whether it be painting, making things, usually creating with my hands, and I have written a bit, but writing has never been big with me. Medication killed creativity largely for me. It did not kill the ideas or thoughts, but it did kill the "do".

I also find whenever I paint it brings depression forth, so I do avoid doing it, as I do not find enjoyment in depression. Making things, tho anything... does not bring about depression, it brings about mania. Which can also be extremely uncomfortable for me. I have never been one to be manic for short periods, usually lasts months, so try to avoid that also.

I even noticed that when I actively think about scientific ideas a lot I also trigger some mania, and depression, maybe more like mixed.

So question is does anyone else notice this in themselves? I always see the idea put forth that madness sparks creativity. No one talks about creativity sparking the madness.

So I am just avoiding creative process so that I can avoid the extreme moods, but is this any way to live? How would you get passed this? I still do stuff here and there, I still think, and still have creativity going on in the brain, but I no longer allow myself to have outlets for this very often anymore. It does bother me, and I wish I knew how to have one without the other. I thought when I stopped meds I could maybe get back to doing, but it's not happening. I feel pretty frustrated about this in particular.

I don't know Anika. It's a brilliant question. I don't do creative, crafting things much anymore. It makes me sad to see how true it is, I'm just surviving, not time for art lately. But I will have time again in the future at some point. Maybe making arts and crafts gets you going with the moods because you're feeling, and then stuffed feelings start coming out leading to either depression or mania. With work and kids it's hard to just let it flow and miss needed sleep. I see why you're trying to carefully keep the balance. We must keep the balance to survive. But I wish someday you and I both may just delve into our creativity without any horrible consequence.

Awww Blue, me too. I wish we lived in a world where we could just be how we are. I do hate this hyper vigilance I have had to adopt. I don't love having to keep myself in some sort of straight line all the time. It's not who I am, it's who I must be.

Yup with being a single mom, which you more than fully know , there is no time to drop the ball. But it makes me sad too, I have been thinking about this and I don't know if I am just exhausted from always trying to keep things in line, or just frustrated that I cannot just be. Oh my gosh, maybe this is anger. I been feeling not to happy with society lately, nothing new there really.

I hope we can do that one day Blue, I think we will. When our children are grown, we should have some time to fully be ourselves.

That is really interesting, maybe it is feelings coming to the surface. For the amount of tears I shed I am surprised there are more feeling hiding in there. Sort of, but it does seem like a pretty deep pit. Kinda like Mr.Dressup's tickle trunk, or Marry Poppins bottomless carpet bag.

Actually that makes sense since science triggers both euphoric and depressed feeling for me. that is a subject that is filled with absolute delight and amazement and at the same time depressing realizations. It seems silly when i think about thinking about science too much affecting my moods in such a way. But it's ok.

I know same about science, it elates me and can depress me (??) I love far out thoughts, maybe we just need to remember to keep feet on earth while we peek past this 3-D realm's curtain. Earth needs us here, our kids and loved ones are here in this time/space. Be here now, but be able to explore too. Be responsible, but be spontaneous and creative. That would be a nice balance.

Well it's a new goal then, cause you made it sound too good. We will figure it out. I am pretty sure we are both fully capable of rising to a good challenge.

Oh brother, I read that, and thought, geez I have only been back working a few days.... I don't know how you guys do it! I am exhausted. my body is physically exhausted, which is pretty weird. I got no go left. I have had it pretty easy in that way while being on disability, crazy time management, and sheer exhaustion like that were a thing of the past. I only had to try to manage how to not go crazy with being so isolated.

Well I now feel overwhelmed by my co-worker who talks 8 hours straight, isolation is over But seriously, you amaze me Blue, day in day out!

I miss a lot of days in the office actually. Honestly, the best job for a bp person is being an entrepreneur, building up a biz while manic, lol. And then hiring people to be there for when we fall in a depression or have a mania and fly to Europe with a new boyfriend (I'm the depressed one in that picture).

If I had a regular job, I would do what I had to do, as best I could. I've had some weird jobs lol. I guess we get used to the schedule. But if I wasn't my own boss, I would be fired by now. I've tried to fire myself, but it was in the mirror and I didn't leave myself alone like I told me to! My poor employees, the things they hear coming from my office, the crying spells, the cursing, the dancing. I am one nutty cookie. The problem with working for yourself is the stress though, there is a lot of extra stress.

Anyway - do you have some days off for the weekend? I hope you have some time to rest up and spend with your children. Also hoping the physical labor might become less when the cleaning is more routine maintenance, not so much of moving major appliances around and all that.

So far so good. I got half a wig done, and half a skirt done, half a hat done , and I feel okish. Yes only working in halfs, my attention span is short. And as I sit here spinning a wig of long dreadlocks made of short strands of mohair, I wonder if I am a bit nuts. X.x

I hate to break the news to you, but that hasn't happened for me yet and all of my kids are long out of school and on their own. I think it is because I still have to function in a professional level job and I have to repress a lot of the normal (for me) emotions that like to bubble to the surface at the most INopportune times.

Besides, even grown kids have ideals of their parents, and mine have had to adjust to my diagnosis, even though they grew up with me and knew what I was like (and Lord knows I was certainly bipolar when I was raising them!). Thankfully, three of them have spouses who accept me, warts and all, and my grandchildren love me unconditionally, so I am blessed.....but I don't know if being "fully myself" will ever happen, or even if it should. I AM bipolar, after all, and society doesn't really need to be in the front-row seat when I have my meltdowns.

Yes I agree, grown children still need their parents, I know all about that with my own parents. I didn't mean just let it all go and go haywire, at all. I just mean be able to relax a little. I am pretty vigilant about my stability right now. And that is fine, but avoiding things I love, well hopefully that won't always have to be the case.

I don't get suicidal, so I am not worried about that. The worst thing I do when manic is spend to much at thrift stores. I don't really have the means to get in debt. I'm not at risk of substance abuse, or picking up and moving on a whims notice or anything. I would never just let myself get really manic without stepping in, not even when I am older.

I just want to take part in things I am passionate about, I think that's fair. The thing about society, well I am never going to fit into there ideal, and I am not sure I want to.

My children might have a bipolar mother, but I will not put myself down because of that one thing. I am not less of a good mother as someone without bipolar. I don't think that is quite what you are saying, but even in the middle of any episode my children have always remained my priority, and despite whatever I have been going through I have always been able to keep it together in front of them, and rise to my duties. Sorry, that is a touchy subject with me, I have had bipolar used against me by my children's absentee, drug addicted,abusive father, who is not bipolar. My pdoc and T at the time were more than willing to vouch for me on that one.

I see non mentally ill parents not giving a darn about their children all the time, and that is one stigma about society I reject. Not only that, we might have bipolar, but even under that label we do not all fit into the same box, we are all still individuals. Me being fully myself might look very different than someone else with or without bipolar fully being them selves.

I understand what you are saying, I do. But I know myself, and what I am like even under the worst circumstances.

Sorry I am not upset, I am just trying to explain how I feel about this subject. I do understand your point of view.

Yes... being creative sure can trigger a lot for me. But that's cuz I have it all bottled up inside, and when I let it out it comes with it's consequences.

I can deal
as long as it's not real
but when I let it out
there is no doubt

I can't pretend it isn't real
so it's this delusion that I will steal
a delusion that i'm okay
but if I let it out, I know I will pay

it's the emotions that run so strong. it's what makes what we do meaningful... deep... something to be celebrated. but yes, it does come at a price. but do we keep it all bottled up inside, or let it out and try to make sense of it? I guess the answer would be to practice and try our best to focus on the positive emotions to help balance out the negative ones. don't stop being creative though, it's the best outlet.

Sorry I wasn't able to read all the responses today.

I agree that I have lost the "do" part although I am not on any meds.

I hate the loss of my writing and singing and acting. I feel like... a lump or something. I hate it. I try to draw some (not the best at it.) I'm not good at making things. I feel like I've lost a big piece of myself.

I don't know if writing made me manic or I was manic so I was writing.

I do know I get the visions I used to get. Like when a good song comes on I envision how I would sing it in a show and all the lighting and costumes and everything. I think this used to make me slightly manic... I don't know.

I remember in watercolor class in college it was with all these older ladies and we would all sit and relax and chat and do our watercolors. I was only 19 and they were all in their 60s. I loved it! It was my room full of grandmas. I know I was not manic then. I was very relaxed and happy in that class. Maybe something like that would be good? You say painting depresses you but maybe if you had a paintin club or painting class? I loved that class so much. I miss it. I did my best work ever in that class.

Sorry I am rambling, not really all here right now... brain is all twisting up today.

Thanks Dan and DH, totally get you. It's weird cause I don't feel like I have it bottled up, but I probably do, must be a lot of stuff in there. Thanks for the poem Dan, sums it up nicely.

My bf was gone for the weekend and I need to have that costume done, so far so good, I tried to keep mindful while I was doing, and usually when he is away I tend to crack a bit, but I didn't! I stayed on top of the anxiety when it started to surface. And I tried, but didn't do good with sleeping, but overall I feel pretty normal. Maybe because I've been down. Maybe it helped pull me up a little.

This thing is looking kinda cannibal king.. The skull is just something to hold it up. Antlers are : heavy, weird center of gravity, and they smell terrible when you cut them, I had to cut the scull cap bits off them, OMG I am stuffed up and still, I should have had a gas mask. Bacteria maybe?



I got the skirt done too, gotta make the shirt and finish all up today, attach the other antler. Which I could have used some instructions on, I tried about 5 different ideas before I figured it out.

Maybe I should make things when I am depressed, and paint when I am manic... balance it out. DH, I took art classes before once, when I was younger, it didn't go very well, but I really didn't like the teacher, and he was not flexible, wouldn't let you be creative really, which seemed weird. There is a knit graffiti group here tho, I have been thinking about it, just have to actually go! They knit stuff and then graffiti the town with it, like bands around the trees, flowers in the trees, cozies for the light posts, kinda funny, but I don't want to get in trouble.

that looks super cool! way to go!

Oh I've seen that knit graffiti on the internet before. I know exactly what you mean.

I love that skull thing. Is it a hat?? Now we all know what you are for Halloween, I think... a witch doctor! It's pretty awesome.

Yeah, the teacher in my watercolor class was very good. She wasn't one of those pretentious idiot artists. She was very cool and laid back. Our assignments were always fun. Once we had to paint a pile of something. So I painted a pile of M&Ms. LOL... I wish i had all my paintings. My dad threw them all away. when he moved in with my step-mom... I'm wondering now... she probably threw them away...

Anyway, the other drawing class had this really pretentious teacher. He was a real jerk. I knew a girl in the class and he would only hire female models because he said the female body is beautiful and needs to be drawn, but not the male body. And he was very sexist and harrassing. Like he would tell the women in class if they had a nice rack... So once they had a graphics assignment where they had to draw something very large with something very small. So she drew a giant penis covered in litty tiny hands. LOL... it was her rebellion. it was awesome!

I like your idea to create things when depressed and paint when manic. That may work!

Thanks Dan, DH... Yeah witch doctor..looking like it. The skirt is interesting. The skull part, well not the face, the hat part, I think you are talking about. Yup its a hat, I made it out of deer skin with a white strip of rabbit fur down the center. The only part of the costume not made from dead animal are the metal parts, and hot glue. But all the animals are old and recycled from thrift stores so I felt ok about that.

Ya my teacher was kind of a jerk. He would give us an assignment and then not allow you to go outside his idea. one assignment was massive pieces of cardboard, we had to cover in paper for texture, and then paint on it. I had a LOT of texture, I love texture. He came over when I was finished, pointed it out to the whole class, and then smoshed it all down flat with his hands. With added words for extra embarrassment. I never came back.

Which sucked, it was a good opportunity, it was art classes run out of emily carr university. But he was just too much. And I was young and rebellious.

Your one teacher sounds like a real treat. I would have made it through one class.

Wow What a weirdo asshole teacher... I wouldn't have gone back either.

I love your headdress creation, Anika! I have no plan yet for a Halloween costume and I should figure one out because this could be the last year I take my son out for trick or treating, I want it to be fun for him. Soon, he'll start just going out with friends!

Don't worry, Anika. You did the right thing. Obviously he was not an artist and doesn't understand the definition of the word.

I don't have a costume, haven't in many years. I want to do something but then I don't. I love Halloween.

I can't not dress up, I just have too, I wish I could wear costumes everyday. Normal clothes just don't have enough flare.

Whatcha thinking about being Blue? And DH, you should dress up if you want too, might help bring some of that acting, or singing about? Creating a character. Anxiety about doing something? Or just kinda blah? I like going out to stuff like this, but I get anxiety about it at the same time.

Thanks Blue, I am glad you guys like it, only have my kids opinions right now to go on. Sometimes I really like something, and then later wonder, if it's not weird, or has visual issues. My oldest son said he was jealous of the skirt.

I just never can think what to be, or if i do think what to be I have no energy to put it together.

This year my middle son is being a skeleton, and my baby is going as a puppy. And... (this goes with that other thread...) My oldest is going as a Creeper from Minecraft... haha!



I think it's awesome, Anika. You have a very big talent for making costumes. If it were up to me, I'd wear something other than normal clothes. I want interesting clothes. I just don't know what type.

I have a hard time deciding on just one costume. This year was between that or winkie guard from wizard of oz..



Ya normal clothes.. who needs em'. My normal clothes usually have a lot of textures and details, but it's hard to find stuff like that. But textures and mixing metals can go a long way to make clothes more interesting.

That is cool, your kids costumes! babies are so cute dressed up! Do you have to make the minecraft one? No one sells stuff like that up here. My youngest son always wants to go as himself, last year he was Captain Epic Lather, yup. This year he is Lather as steam punk. Oldest son saw this creepy zipper face he want me to make on his face, pretty gross. And my daughter keeps changing her mind.

Oh I just don't know! Zipper face sounds fun lol. Or an oompa loompa... lol. I want something that fully covers my face and hair, I want incognito! So many choices, so little time left. Why am I so bad with decisions!!

Oldest son's dad always makes his costume, so yeah it's made. We don't get him ever on Halloween.... Part of the stupid custody thing. He gets 4th of July because that is his favorite holiday and he gets Halloween because that is my favorite holiday (you see what I"m saying I'm sure...)

Anyway, one year oldest went as Domo (that little brown guy with the big mouth.) His costume was just a big box with google eyes and a hole cut for the mouth.... He could barely walk in it and it was exhausting for him. Half way through the 1 street we get to trick or treat with him on, he was too tired to go up to the houses. So when he said the creeper costume is made of boxes, I was like... uh oh... But he says it will be better, so hope so.

The baby is adorable in his costume. He makes a great puppy.

OH, I really like the clothes like at the Ren fest. I would dress like a pirate probably. Or a lady. Or a fairy... yup... and my body was made for corsets.

Blue Oompa-loompa would be really fun! The zipper face looks pretty easy, just google zipper face haha. Oh I know, making decisions is hard!

hehe

DH, wow that sucks!! taking turns at holidays would be much more fair to your son and you, some people are not interested in fair tho.

My son was lego batman one year with a box and yeah, he fell over, but it was pretty funny, he didn't get hurt. Have to wear snowsuits under costumes here, so a lot of padding. My youngest one year was a knight from Castle Crashers video game, you probably know that one. The head on that thing is huge, that was kinda tricky for him. Yup I know domo, haha that would be cute.

Zombies are always a fun one, and you can get creative with them, and they are not too hard to throw together. Hmm.. there is toooo many choices. Yeah hard.. The year before last I went as melanie daniels from the birds, which was easy, aside from getting accustomed to the fake birds on me, since I really can't stand real birds. Facing fears