triggers. I can get triggered by a chair sitting in the middle of a room. a lonely chair... I start to think that the chair is me, alone in the middle of the room. I start to think I know how it feels. and BAM.....

Or feeling better after a higher dose of the anti depressant. knowing that it's just a drug making me feel better...

Or when the lights get turned off after my daughters karate. A room so filled with life just a few minutes ago, and now seeing it lifeless. it's like something has died there....

Or after the kids go to school and the house is empty.. knowing that I will never get that time back again with them. wondering how they are doing...

Or passing houses while I drive.. wondering what life is like for the people that live there. Imagining myself living there. Wondering if they ever look at me as I pass, wondering what my life is like.

I get triggered by everything! AAAAHHHHHH lol. it's really not funny lol. but I like typing "LOL". It seems to not make things so serious lol. you could tell someone the worst news and it will buffer it.

my dog just died lol.

I just lost my house lol.

see what I mean? lol

[faerie_moon_x]

As you identify the triggers you need to start learning coping skills to manage them as they come up. Like if you see an empty chair and start thinking it's you, then start learning to change your self talk. Argue with yourself, out loud if you have to. If every small thing is a trigger, then you're still in the middle of the storm. Or, if it is a trigger you can avoid, then do it.

For example, that song "Tears in Heaven," by Eric Clapton. I avoid that song at all costs.

[gismo]

bless youi know exactly where your comming from sweets, when i was younger if it were raining , i would look out of the window see a small sti ck or branch and i would feel sorry for it , so i would run out and bring it in and dry it .even now at 49 i feel so sad for inanimate objects ,like sad looking old cars ,my mother was not very good at giving love to me freely so i guess like you i have abandanment issues,but dont feel it weired or anything and if ever you need too talk more i will be your friend if you like, take care
love gismo x

[Confusedinomicon]

"Experience is the spice of life"

My dad just told me that. For the past month I have been afraid to do anything except sit and mope. I forgot that I was capable of being a human being. My dad opened my eyes to what I was missing.

Even if you feel a little hypo, roll with it. There is nothing wrong with feeling good or being productive. Who cares how it was achieved! It is you who feels good and your experience is valid. Once you start characterizing every mood, it makes it hard to see it as something organic. You start second guessing emotions because youre concerned its the illness and not you. I was hyper vigilant for a long time and didnt believe I was capable of being the same person. It takes time to realize you are still capable of being you. A therapist can help. Are you seeing one now? I remember you said you can see one around this time.

thats all "very real" stuff Dan...and you're 'really' connected to it as well...

it's quite a gift though no doubt distressing

...and I don't want to minimise the impact this has on you but I kinda wish I could identify my triggers and experience them in a real way.

I'm just totally scattered throughout the day and night and everything is a surprise to me I tend to hide...apart from the illness I did lots more damage to my brain that it probably didn't need over the years.

....hey and thanks for your other responses down the page there.

Originally Posted by gismo

bless youi know exactly where your comming from sweets, when i was younger if it were raining , i would look out of the window see a small sti ck or branch and i would feel sorry for it , so i would run out and bring it in and dry it .even now at 49 i feel so sad for inanimate objects ,like sad looking old cars ,my mother was not very good at giving love to me freely so i guess like you i have abandanment issues,but dont feel it weired or anything and if ever you need too talk more i will be your friend if you like, take care
love gismo x

I thought I was the only one who did this. Thank you! It's good to hear that I'm not the only one!

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

"Experience is the spice of life"

My dad just told me that. For the past month I have been afraid to do anything except sit and mope. I forgot that I was capable of being a human being. My dad opened my eyes to what I was missing.

Even if you feel a little hypo, roll with it. There is nothing wrong with feeling good or being productive. Who cares how it was achieved! It is you who feels good and your experience is valid. Once you start characterizing every mood, it makes it hard to see it as something organic. You start second guessing emotions because youre concerned its the illness and not you. I was hyper vigilant for a long time and didnt believe I was capable of being the same person. It takes time to realize you are still capable of being you. A therapist can help. Are you seeing one now? I remember you said you can see one around this time.

I can see a therapist now... but I don't want to. I keep thinking that my wife will be mad cuz of the money. She might not, but I think inside she is resentful that I require so much money now. I never used to spend money on anything other than cigarettes... didn't buy myself much at all and now it takes a lot of money for me to stay where I am at now.

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

thats all "very real" stuff Dan...and you're 'really' connected to it as well...

it's quite a gift though no doubt distressing

...and I don't want to minimise the impact this has on you but I kinda wish I could identify my triggers and experience them in a real way.

I'm just totally scattered throughout the day and night and everything is a surprise to me I tend to hide...apart from the illness I did lots more damage to my brain that it probably didn't need over the years.

....hey and thanks for your other responses down the page there.

I do know after reading up on borderline personality disorder that emotions and certain ways of thinking can trigger bipolar episodes as well. I really identified with borderline... but I'm not telling too many people cuz i don't want another diagnosis.

from what i've read, a person has to unlearn their responses to things by examining and using logic to override emotions to not be triggered by them.

I remember that you also have borderline.... I'm really sorry if i'm wrong and remembering things incorrectly... but I really hope that this helps.

yep..borderline sure sux in it's very own HUGE way Dan

...it pretty much infiltrates every attempt I make at having a meaningful association with the reality I expect to be real...

and especially the reality I want to be real.

it infiltrates and then plants explosives and blows me into unbelievable bipolar orbits.

..so yep there is a link

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

triggers. I can get triggered by a chair sitting in the middle of a room. a lonely chair... I start to think that the chair is me, alone in the middle of the room. I start to think I know how it feels. and BAM.....

Or passing houses while I drive.. wondering what life is like for the people that live there. Imagining myself living there. Wondering if they ever look at me as I pass, wondering what my life is like.

OMG, and I thought I was the only person who thinks of stuff like this!! I do that all the time with passing cars/homes etc., and wonder if the people inside them think of these things like I do, or if they see the beauty and the sadness around them like I do. But then, I've never lived in the mind of a so-called 'normal' person and have no idea whatsoever of what they think or see or sense......KWIM?

I will admit to something I actually love about being bipolar, though, and that is the intensity with which I'm able to enjoy the sensual wonders of the world. There are few things better than seeing the flaming autumn trees against a sapphire sky, while enjoying a lovely Rachmaninoff melody floating out of my iPod and sipping hot coffee on my way to work in the morning. That's where I almost find myself feeling sorry for people who don't see what I see or feel what I feel......and yet on the other hand, I wonder sometimes if it's worth all the craziness when things aren't going right. Guess I'll never know, huh?

[LiveThroughThis]

Dan, THANK YOU for this thread. I too, never thought anyone else did this.

For as long as I can remember, when we went on vacations and took the interstate, I would look at the plethora of clutters of trees and feel sorry for them---that because they're just "another" patch of trees no one notices them--and feeling sorry for them that they're not noticed.

I still get that way with certain parts of nature. I feel bad for dandelions cause everyone treats them like weeds even though they're pretty.

I loved your description of the empty chair, then feeling empty. I do similar stuff; maybe seeing one of my animals yawn, seeing their jaw open and all their teeth, and then feeling freaked in a way, like they could attack me, even though they're all very tiny. It's strange. I chalk mine up to both anxiety and as BipolarNurse said, being Bipolar in general---there's a reason so many of us are so sensitive, you know?

Great great thread/discussion. I've only told...maybe two or three ppl ever about the trees/etc. thing. Most of the time they've had no clue what I'm talking about, or try but can't get there.

[BlueInanna]

Dan, hugs, this is what my pdoc works with on as "catastrophic thinking"... big problem for me.

When I'm able to see it a bit from outside viewing, I get more perspective. It's all complicated and it sucks. But I know for myself I have a problem with catastrophic thinking... and those close to me will sometimes metion it and it makes me mad... but they are right... I do this.