[faerie_moon_x]

I am on the crisis line right now....

I can't take it any more.... i can't take this rage....

I want to rip out all of my hair. I'm sitting at my desk in tears I can't take it I can't take it. I want to rip off my arms and left

I feel completely alone in the world. As usual.

I've been there, alot. You are not alone! It can be overwhelming, feeling like it is emmitting from the core of your existance. It can feel like it is who you are, setting you apart from the others who carelessly trample over you, and it can feel like it is just natural for them to endure what they have coming to them.

that is the way it is for me when I get that way. The rage turns to hurt, making me more and more hateful. Then I tend to turn that hate inward, and it triggers me for self harm.

So no, you are not alone.... I'm right there with you.

[thickntired]

DH,

Are you able to get in to see a doctor today or this week?

Is there anyone that can be with you right now?

I'm here, talk to me!

It can feel desperate, i know. desperate and overwhelming. Just try to breathe. Think of yesterday, and think of tomorrow. imagine a time sitting at your desk where you had complete control. When everything was easy. Emerge yourself into that memory if you can, emerge yourself into the feelings that you remember feeling, sitting at your desk in complete control. Examine those feelings that you remember, the perspective that you had. It's all about perspective.

You can do it! You can make it through this!

[faerie_moon_x]

I have called the crisis line 3x. Trying to get in to see a psychologist ASAP. Have a call into my GP to see if he's willing to call in a Rx for 300 mg of Lithium at least... -.-

There is no one who will be with me to help me. that's my problem. No one cares around here. I'm just that crazy lying manipulative piece of crap who needs to work herself to death while everyone else points and laughs. That's me. The girl who killed her mom just by the selfish act of being born. The crazy girl who we shoudl all make fun of when it's obvious she can't go another step.

Yup...

I'm so sick of having to do this all by myself. This work is a joke.

[Trippin2.0]

You're not crazy, you didnt kill your mother, and you're not manipulative!!!! Dhx, I love you my friend,you're GREAT, you should love you too,especially at times like these... Screw other people, they dont know s.h.i.t, talk to us,we're here, and we care. I hope you get to a doc soon, in the interim, try expelling that rage with something physical. Running and cleaning usually gives me some relief...sending you soothing calming s across the ocean

[faerie_moon_x]

Thanks everyone.

It took me 3 tries to get the hotline to understand what I needed. It's through my insurance. You'd think these people would be trained to listen... >.>

I've got a call in to a social worker now near my house. I saw her before I was diagnosed. She wasn't bad. Kind of happy puppy rainbows, but maybe now that I'm diagnosed with something... we'll see. She's close to home, like 2 blocks from the house.

The rage is less now... it's like a tsunami. I keep crying off and on. so I'm trying to stop. I have to sit at my desk and smile and be perky. Can't do anything physical now, so just have to ride it out.

[thickntired]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

Thanks everyone.

It took me 3 tries to get the hotline to understand what I needed. It's through my insurance. You'd think these people would be trained to listen... >.>

I've got a call in to a social worker now near my house. I saw her before I was diagnosed. She wasn't bad. Kind of happy puppy rainbows, but maybe now that I'm diagnosed with something... we'll see. She's close to home, like 2 blocks from the house.

The rage is less now... it's like a tsunami. I keep crying off and on. so I'm trying to stop. I have to sit at my desk and smile and be perky. Can't do anything physical now, so just have to ride it out.

Any luck??

Please keep us updated!!

Peace & Hugs,

TnT

[faerie_moon_x]

No luck. i have left a message with the GP and the therapist and so far no call back... I will try again tomorrow I guess if I don't hear anything....

[thickntired]

Yes, keep calling and tell them it is an emergency!

How are you hanging in there?!

[faerie_moon_x]

I am not good.

Just trying to get to 5 p.m. so I can leave work. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin I'm so irritated.

[likewater]

Hi, Darkheart. Saying a prayer for you. Keep us posted, ok?

[Trippin2.0]

Just got back to my phone (spent some time with brother coz its bday) so sorry you've had no luck, please keep calling them, you deserve to be helped. Hang in there

[faerie_moon_x]

Anyway, still trying to get some help today. First therapist only sees patients around noon time, which doesn't work out. She may be close to the house, but she's far from my job... Trying again today.

Only slept 3 hours last night and 3 hours the night before approximately... yesterday wasn't tired at all but today I'm drooping.

Was thinking how the demons come out and surround you and you don't even see them in the shadows. Then I started to realize I'm a demon too... I'm horrible person... you may not realize it because you only know me here, but I'm a failure and I know it...... guess that's why I'm good at fighting demons because I am one.

[Trippin2.0]

I dont care WTH you are, you're my sister and I love you these professionals must make a shitloada money to be able to work such selective hours... Hmmm I may need a career change... Thinking of you ((((((DHX))))))

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I dont care WTH you are, you're my sister and I love you these professionals must make a shitloada money to be able to work such selective hours... Hmmm I may need a career change... Thinking of you ((((((DHX))))))

Thanks, Trippin.

I agree about how these people must make so much money to keep such easy hours.

Well, my GP is out so will be back tomorrow about that script... need to call another T today to see how they schedule. Just will call one a day until I find something.

[PiperLeigh]

Thinking of you right now. You're not a demon or a horrible person. It's this crappy illness that is such a crappy thing to live with...it wears us down and tells us lies. Don't believe them. You are not a failure. I hope you can get in to see a T soon. Hang in there and take things 5 minutes at a time if you have to. You're doing all the right things. ++

[faerie_moon_x]

Thank you, but... it isn't the illness that is making me think this. It is what has happened twice now with the same person at two different times and I learned nothing the first time. Both times it was my fault.

So, I am terrible and I get it now. Sorry to be negative. But in this instance... I did something very wrong.

[Trippin2.0]

''it is human to err...'' sometimes we mess up, sometimes we do some fkd up stuff,doesnt mean we are inherently bad...

[BlueInanna]

How are you doing? Worried about you DH. I fight demons too, when I see them they get white light treatment. They are illusion and not allowed in your space. Anything that is not of love and light is illusion and must leave and not return. Cast them out, you are a warrioress and carry a holy sword of truth.

[faerie_moon_x]

Okay, so I called a group practice with 5 therapists and they had a 12 week waiting list. It's odd because solitary providers don't have a wait that long... they must advertise a lot or something.

So I left a message for another lady who actually has a bio online (which all providers should do that, I think....) and it says she has extensive experience with bipolar, schizophrenia, and personality disorders. So I left a message for her although she is kind of far from my house.

[BlueInanna]

she sounds good. is she near your work at all?

[faerie_moon_x]

No, she's not near work, and she only had appointments during work hours.... this is so frustrating.... I can't take off work because of all my other health issues this year. Even with that issue I'm starting to get the sideways glances... >.>

She gave me the name of her collegue though, who may offer weekends, so I left a message for her. We shall see. Maybe tomorrow the GP will call back and say ok to the Lithium. I asked for 300 mg... even just that could be helpful right now maybe, I don't know. I remember the 300 mg dose worked ok for me when I remembered to take it.