[angelcat6]

It has been on my mind for a long time now, that I am very weary to bring a child into this world knowing that he/she will have to deal with me, bipolar me, as a mother. First, my husband (to-be, if I ever find a guy who is ok with a broken person) will have to deal with me off some, if not all, of my meds while I was pregnant (scary sight and dangerous to all).Then, when raising a baby. Are you kidding me? There are days I cannot get up to make my own breakfast, and now I have to look after someone else, (the mothers out there are saying, the love for your child will help you), I don't believe a child would be good in a world where they don't know when they come home from school how I am going to act or if I will snap or be lethargic. Kids need consistency. Seems like a ideal world and too normal for me. Guess I have to settle for being an Aunt.

Well, that or being a grandmother! Both are fun, I think, and you may be right about choosing not to have children. I just know that my life was very enriched by having an only child; now there are two precious, beautiful little ones of their own that make life very worth living.

I know married couples who are very content and happy without children. For those
who need them, it's a different story.

Always take care of yourself first so that you may take care of others.

Best wishes.

[faerie_moon_x]

Knowing if you want or don't want children is an important thing to know for sure. Not wanting children is perfectly acceptable way to be.

I do very well during pregnancy and I love my kids very much. But i know that is not the same for everyone. It's a personal choice and one you should make clear when you find your future possible husband.

[thickntired]

Hi,

I never felt stable enough to raise a child. I have a dog & cat - that's enough pressure. I made the decision (while manic) to have a hystorectomy (spell?) at age 35! It was hard to find a Dr and he tried to talk me out of the surgery. My Mother was furious as I'm an only child

But I don't regret my decision. I always thought about Sylvia Plath and her parenting when it came to havng my own kid.

Good luck with your decision,

TnT

[BipolaRNurse]

I had five kids (four living) and was very inconsistent in my dealings with them. Everything depended on how I felt.......our household was dominated by my moods. Which of course is totally unacceptable, but everyone was too afraid of my wrath to confront me about it. I was undiagnosed, so nobody knew that there was a name for what was wrong with me.

Somehow, by the grace of God and some help from my sister, who lived with us during those years, we all made it through and all four of them still talk to me. One of them has chosen to do it from a distance, but there is a lot of love between us and they all forgave me a long time ago. For everything I did wrong in raising them, I did do one thing right, and that was giving them every ounce of love I had. They never doubted my love for them, not even when I was being a belligerent, bipolar bee-yotch, because they somehow knew that their "real" Mom would be back and things would be good again.

Would I do it again, knowing I had a mental illness that might make me an unstable and unpredictable parent? I honestly don't know. I can't even imagine life without those four beautiful children, who are now beautiful young adults. They are my pride and joy---nothing I've ever done in my life makes me as proud as the fact that they exist. I don't regret for an instant having had them. I guess everyone has to look to their own hearts when making decisions about family.....and the answers will be different in every case. I don't know what the OP's answer will be. All I know is that having children was the best thing I have ever done, ever.

[GeneticSwamp]

Angelcat6, My heart goes out to you. My father has bipolar. I have a mood disorder and 4 beautiful daughters (one of whom most likely has bipolar as well.) Here are my thoughts, for what they're worth...

BTW, I had written them out very carefully and accidentally erase my reply before posting. This second version is not as carefully crafted, but I hope you can sense my positive intention and empathy anyway.

1) Please don't stress out about a decision that is not going to be made for some time yet. Focusing on managing your bipolar and learning to be the best you that you can be will put you in a much better position to make the decision in the future. It's okay to be undecided about it now. Also you never know how your life may change before then.

2) I saw a sign once that said, "There is no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a million ways to be a good one." It was a great reminder for me that ALL moms are imperfect. We all hurt our children out of ignorance or illness or addiction etc. That does not mean that we are bad moms. We are human beings. We make mistakes. Sometimes bad ones. What matters most is LOVING each other the best we can; apologizing when we screw up and modeling forgiveness and mercy in our families. It is really all one can ask for.

TANGENT ALERT!
It's LONG too....
Feel free to skip this.
No really... I mean it.

I was what I consider a "horrible" mom to my first born daughter. I'd gone overboard on physical punishment (with incidents of what could be labeled abuse) and I had resented her because her existence caused me to completely change my life. (I exchanged lofty career goals for family ones.) We had butted heads from the time she was a toddler until the day I kicked her out of the house. It was ugly.

When I sat her down a couple of years ago and apologized for all the ways I missed the mark, she taught me something. My dear daughter told me that she thought I had done a good job as a mom. She always knew I loved her and she remembered many happy times together. She assured me that she loves me and that she understands that I had her best interests at heart. I cried. A lot.

We are close now. She calls me for advice and for support. Being her mom is the hardest job I've ever had and I'm not sure that I would do it again, but she turned out to be a wonderful young woman. I'm proud of her and so glad she's my daughter. Before this, I would probably have advised you against having children. But you know what? she and my other three daughters are such a blessing and source of joy. Life would be near meaningless for me without them. My only regret is in passing on the genes that gave my youngest (14 yo) BP. However, I will do everything I can to help her and to keep our relationship strong. Through education, therapy, medication (natural or synthetic), prayer, patience and persistence we will see that she has the best possible outcome and love her through it. SHEESH! If you read this far, thanks for hanging in there. I'm done for now.

[Victoria'smom]

You are not broken!
My mother & father were not medicated MI as a child all I wanted from her is to get the help she needed. As a teen after a particularly bad event I accepted who she was. I was not healthy enough to live there. I didn't want the wake of my destruction to interfere with my growing nephew and sister. I as a teen did not have any animosity towards them.

As a parent I realized how difficult it must have been for my parent to raise us. They cared for 3-5 MI children, while dealing with there own MI and working opposite shifts

My son feels we are wonderful parents but we have a huge support network both professionally and personally. We have a cousin that stays with us. My son travel's to NYC when ever we feel it's needed. We use a lot of quick cooking food, spend days in bed reading together. We put in really strict written rules about discipline.

There are times that I can not take care of my child. There are times I question if I really care about him. We have written plans of how to care for him when we can't. However between school, sports, homework, friends, and appointments there just a few hours a night. Plus having a kid that loves reading we can hand him a book when we are not well.

If you do choose to have a child get a good psych team and get stabilized on safe meds. You can also look into going to intensive outpatient therapy while pregnant. Daycare can help a lot if your husband can drop your child off and pick him/her up when your not doing well.

Consistency has a lot to do with raising kids. My sons therapist has helped him tons as well as karate. He doesn't always get consistency from us but he does get it in other ways.

[OutlawedSpirit]

I didn't physically have a child, but I sort of adopted my daughter when I got together with my gf, so I've been her second parent for over half of her life now. The road has been rocky, there is no doubt about that. But it's also been wonderful.

For the first three years, I wasn't dx, and there were sometimes that it was really hard. Who am I kidding, even know it can be really hard. I know my case is a bit more unique, but I have quite a few times I can recall thinking that she doesn't love me because I'm not her biological mother, even though she calls me Mutti (the German word for mommy, because her call us both Mom is really confusing and aggrivating), and says she loves me every day.

My gf and I get into arguments all the time about how we are raising her, because we both have radically different ideas on parenting. In that aspect, I tend to be a lot stricter, so I also sort of take on the role of her father as well. I take her fishing and we go hiking, etc. Not to mention, the whole, "wait until Mutti gets home..." So I don't think she is disciplined enough, my gf thinks she is disciplined too much. I think she has a mouth problem that needs to be stopped now before she gets to be a teenager, my gf doesn't think it's that big of a deal. So we tend to fight a lot with each other over stuff like that. I can say my gf has been a saint about it.

Sometimes our daughter pushes me to the point where I feel like the monster inside me is going to snap, especially if I'm already agitated. Lately I've been getting better at avoiding yelling at her. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I get times where I sit and just yell at her. But after that, and lately sometimes before I even get there, I've gotten better at stopping and telling her she has to go play in her room for a bit until I relax more. I'll go out and have a cigarette or something, then we can go back to what we were doing. It helps that she understands that my head is "sick". I say sick because she is only five and that is the way she understands it. It's sick and that's why I have to keep going to the doctor and take all my meds to see if we can get it better.

I know this is long and pretty winded, but I just want to point out some of the joys and heartaches. It helps somewhat when you involve your child in your dx if possible, at least in my opinion. My daughter helps with a mood chart I made on a white board. Three times a day she gets to color in squares for whether I seem happy, sad, or mad to her. I think this helps her come to terms with my illness better, and it gives her a way to give me feedback on if I'm being too harsh or mean in a way that she does not have to worry about retribution. She has been told that no matter what she puts on there, there will be no consequence. And there are times she has put that I've seemed mad, so it seems to be working. And not all things are good. There are things I've said to her that I regret, and I probably always will, but children forgive easily. I think it's important though, even if you say something, or yell at your child, or whatever, you don't blame your disorder. That just teaches them to lay blame for their own mistakes elsewhere.

Ultimately, the choice always will be yours, we can't make the choice for you. There are definitely advantages to having a child. They will always love you, even if they say they don't. But it's also easy to see why you wouldn't and no one can blame you for anything if you choose not to. I hope you path becomes clear when you are ready to set out on it.

[unwell_009]

I totally understand your fears, now...
I was diagnosed bipolar after giving birth to my first daughter. After being told and taking precautions not to get pregnant again, here I am, almost 6 months pregnant and afraid.

That being said, my daughter provides me with strength. I am fortunate that I have a wonderful, understanding husband and great support system, all of which I think are importanat whether you have a child or not. But my daughter pushes me everyday to try and on the days when trying is not enough I have supports to help me.

Of course I worry about passing this on to one of my children but I look at it this way, my kids have upper hands that I didn't have as a child. Their first being me and my ability to help them identify and deal with, the second being the more researched and accessability to help and medication for bipolar.

Don't let your fear deter you from fufilling you dream of being a mother. Honestly, even when my symptoms and episodes are really bad, my daughter is the reason I continue to try. I may have given up long ago if it were not for her.

Originally Posted by angelcat6

It has been on my mind for a long time now, that I am very weary to bring a child into this world knowing that he/she will have to deal with me, bipolar me, as a mother. First, my husband (to-be, if I ever find a guy who is ok with a broken person) will have to deal with me off some, if not all, of my meds while I was pregnant (scary sight and dangerous to all).Then, when raising a baby. Are you kidding me? There are days I cannot get up to make my own breakfast, and now I have to look after someone else, (the mothers out there are saying, the love for your child will help you), I don't believe a child would be good in a world where they don't know when they come home from school how I am going to act or if I will snap or be lethargic. Kids need consistency. Seems like a ideal world and too normal for me. Guess I have to settle for being an Aunt.

[Trippin2.0]

I feel the same way 110% even tho I only have 1 child. I would probly have more if I was open to dating, so no, bp wouldnt deter me from being a mother,its my greatest accomplishment, and there can never be a greater 1. Plus, Jordan is very good for my mental wellbeing she's my guardian angel! Dont let bipolar dictate every aspect of your life, it interferes sO much already. Whatever you choose, I hope that you are happy with it.

[MilitaryMech]

I was recently DX BPII last year. I am a father to three WONDERFUL sons (11,7&5).

When my ex and I met, we literally spent six hours sitting in my little Honda Civic after our first date. We talked about EVERYTHING. I distinctly remember telling her "there is something wrong with me, and I don't want to pass it on to a child".

For what it's worth, I love my children dearly. I wouldn't give them up for anything. That said.... I know I'm not the father they deserve. I'm getting better, day by day, but they deserve better than me.

My life has been so chaotic...... I would NEVER choose to intentionally bring a child into my life. The kicker? My ex has turned out to be the "loony toon" of the two of us! I have the children almost full time. That means I have to suck it up and be the best Dad I can be.

I would totally understand if someone decided to not have children because of their BP issues. I would NEVER fault someone for not having kids.

[polar_bear1]

I got pregnant only a year after dx, it was scary, I only took lithium..but you know, I felt great through all the pregnancy.
Being a single mother with a 6 yr old and a very bad support system isn´t easy.
But my daughter is the love of my life, I would not be here without her...
She gives me strength to move on through good and bad times.

But thinking about having another kid. Answer: big NO. Not in this situation at least.
Good luck to you