Help. I am so mixed up.

Moose72 · Nov 21, 2012, 03:15 PM

Went to movies with My youngest. Feel anxiety. *Feel restless. *I need to take my Ativan. *When I feel this way, I feel the need to get out of here. *I can't stand being in my body. *I feel very uncomfortable. *I need to hurry through whatever I'm doing. *I can't get my food eaten - it comes to a standstill because I can't possibly go that quickly. *I should take my Ativan but I'm at a restaurant and that means I need to drive. *I am already bouncing a lot. *It's a feeling like I need to run outside of myself. *I would've thought this feeling would be gone by now. *I still need to do an errand after this. *Kids have the day off hence why I'm going to the movies. Need to scream but when I take the Ativan I feel very slow and like I want to sleep for hours. *What a choice!!! *I start to take a drink of my diet Pepsi and I need to be done when I just started. *I have no patience! *It almost feels like mania but without the need to talk. *I'm just very uncomfortable. *My legs are shaking again. *What a choice! *I have to drive after this and getting a DUI would be very bad. *<p>
I got home and my mother's idiot husband began giving me his holier-than-thou-****-you face. *I had visions of last time I went to the psych ER over something similar. He was yelling at my daughter that her room needs cleaned right this minute (because family is coming over tomorrow *for Thanksgiving). *The attitude, the indignant face. *The fact that he annoys me to no end! *Last time I was in the ER was because I fell into a puddle of sobbing. *I am not doing that now but I am having those feelings of wanting to kill. *The situation at least but I can't stand when people treat my children horribly and then dismiss me. *I hate it. *Plain and simple, I hate it. I am already not feeling well. *Thoughts are going downhill. *I managed to take my youngest out to eat after a movie but as you read above my sense of reality is askew. *Oh dear. *Is Ativan my cure-all? *Why couldn't the Saphris have worked? *I can clean my room as that seems to be-all around here. *Not that it's really that dirty. *One of my best friends seems to have shut his phone off all day. *I want to cry and scream. *I'm scared. *The back-up beeping of the truck a few doors down is stabbing bloody holes in my ear. <p>
I called the psych ER and they talked with me. *I cried as i talked. *That's the first time in months that ive even remotely felt said. *I cant stand this. The ER woman Said to call my psych dr. *So now we're waiting for that. *Could be 2 or 3 hours.<p>

Moose72 · Nov 21, 2012, 04:16 PM

I feel like I do t know what is coming next. *I'm crying. *I was crying on the phone to my psych dr. *She said I need to get through this feeling with Ativan. *Twice a day. *That and getting away from my mom's husband are the only ways Ti cope. *She said to go to the hospital of I have feelings of needing to kill people. *Right now I can't stand being in my own body. *I cried to my pdoc on the phone and I'm crying now. It's been so long since I've cried. *And I feel like my only choice is to take Ativan and hope I feel better. *That taking Ativan is my only choice and that means I can't do anything or go anywhere unless I'm with a friend who drives me. *I feel like I don't know what is coming next- I don't know my own mind. *And it will take a week for the Saphris to get out of my system. *My friend who usually is around isn't today. *I'm talking to him. Crying. *he's in another town. *Another friend is picking me up. * Yay! *I think it's time for Ativan. *Tired of crying. Hopefully no more to add but we'll see. *I could really use a hug.

~Christina · Nov 21, 2012, 04:17 PM

Awww Moose I am so sorry you are feeling so out of sorts. Hope your body and mind are able to find some rest and peace.

Med changes sure have a way of causing a ruckus

Moose72 · Nov 21, 2012, 04:25 PM

Eventually- as in 3 weeks- ill see pdoc again but she said most of the meds would give me this side effect!?!?!

faerie_moon_x · Nov 21, 2012, 04:33 PM

This mood is a side effect? Yuck. I often feel that way all by myself. Just that irritated, racing, irritated... can't really explain it.

Mixed sounds about right to me. That "can't stand being in my body, feel manic but without the need to talk," is common ground around here. Uncomfortable, everything is too slow and irritating.... yup... I know all that, too.

Hang in there my friend, maybe going to your friend's will help you relax a bit. Maybe sleep will help. Sometimes when I sleep I feel better after.

Moose72 · Nov 21, 2012, 05:25 PM

Thanks dark.

I hadn't thought if mixed. Pdoc just said it was from the Saphris. She also said there aren't any other drugs that won't do this to me.

faerie_moon_x · Nov 21, 2012, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72

Thanks dark.

I hadn't thought if mixed. Pdoc just said it was from the Saphris. She also said there aren't any other drugs that won't do this to me.

I guess that makes me wonder what the meds are for if they are making you feel crazy??? I'd rather have hallucinations than *feel* crazy. Do you know what I mean? I can see things/hear things but feel like I'm still in the driver's seat so to speak... Hell, even when I was totally delusional I actually felt really good. Most stable I ever felt mood wise in my whole life. I thought I was "cured" from depression or whatever at that time. (How weird is that?)

But I don't know, if the hallucinations are telling you to do bad things, that maybe isn't good either....

It's so confusing! I don't want you to be feeling like you're losing your mind. I hate that feeling!

Moose72 · Nov 21, 2012, 05:35 PM

I took Ativan and it turned the volume way down.

faerie_moon_x · Nov 21, 2012, 05:56 PM

Okay, that's good.

Moose72 · Nov 21, 2012, 06:19 PM

Check your private messages.

faerie_moon_x · Nov 21, 2012, 06:47 PM

checked

Moose72 · Nov 21, 2012, 07:00 PM

Having visions of bloody wrists. Mine! *The bookstore has been good. *Mocha coffee with very little chocolate. *Side of ice water. <p>
I rode the escalator up to the second level of Barnes and Noble. *I searched for books on bipolar. *The same usual suspects: Cheney and Jameson. *I walked to the balcony between the down and up escalators. *I looked over. *I heard a man's voice say, "Don't do that; that's dangerous.". Behind him was his 2-year-old son. *I left the area to look for the afford-mentioned books only to return again. *Looking down, I was mesmerized by the people who could not see me. *I saw my leg reaching up and over the glass wall, then, of me falling down down.... *I remembered the bloody wrists and hands. * And yet on Ativan my brain is askew. *Caught between insanity at home and the supposed need for the psych ER. *Ativan is keeping me together. *A friend online who is also bipolar suggested that I'm in a mixed episode. *I won't discount anything. *The lighting of the store is wintry and crisp. *The book shelves are all taking on a surreal form. *The world I am in which is a dream. *This is called derealization and I know it's not good but I am here nevertheless. *The only thing that can save me is Ativan. *Drug me so I can't move. *Well guess what? I can still move! *My thoughts are still here. *I just feel less anxious.