to go off most meds and to have a baby in the next two years :)

Most people who are spiraling don't realize it's happening, and you are in the eye of the storm. You're not making any sense. Your posts do not make sense, they're not logical. There's no such thing as men who will impregnate you and pay for your baby without any emotional bond or marriage. There's no such thing as having a baby and going to college, let alone law school, being easy. There's no such thing as refusing to be impregnated by someone you're afraid of being too short or having genetic abnormalities. Bipolar disorder is a genetic abnormality and guess what, you have it and you have a very high chance of passing that gene on, especially after having three kids. (edit: I am bipolar because of my grandmother on my father's side. However, my father has no mental illnesses, so even if your partner has no mental illness, any relative of his that has a genetic abnormality could easily be passed down.) You came up with this idea only a few days ago. Give it a month, six months, long enough to know that it's not the bipolar or a mid-life crisis you're feeling. Bringing new life into the world is not something to be settled on today or in a week. There's no rush to have a baby right this instant.

Hammy I love you lady, but I'm with Doc on this one.Your baby posts are not realistic, a baby PLUS any other activity is HARD work, be it school or work, so you dont seem to be thinking clearly, even tho it feels like you are. A baby TAKES OVER YOUR LIFE, your time, your sleep, your being. They are not part time jobs, you sound like you're planning on conquering the world. Have a baby, get a man to pay, law school, exercise, stay stable, all at the same time. No possibility of being exhausted,or destablized

They cry, get sick, some are allergic to sleep, some are so attached to mommy you cant move your arse, any which way this goes, you will have 2 fulltime jobs, a baby and work/ school. When will you have time to study if you are to sleep when baby sleeps? Who will be taking care of your cats and flat? What man in his right mind is going to finance this venture of yours? Between baby, studying, working, where is time for Hammy in all this? Hammy time is IMPERATIVE for managing bp med-free.

This plan of yours leaves no space for a healthy routine or sleep schedule, yet you want to proceed med-free, that's tantamount to feeding your bp! And I doubt a quick bike ride will stop the skyscrapers from dancing. What will you do with baby when you need space in the midst of an episode? I'm sorry, but none of what you're planning seems realistic ANY way you spin it.

I think you should talk to your T about your plan and see what they say?

This really isn't logical though.

Honestly, I wouldn't co-parent a child unless there was some emotional connection. I think the best you'll find is a sperm doner.

Agree with dr skipper and tripping and confused on this it just doesn't make sense....

Have you thought about maybe you are becoming manic?

Hammy, no offense, but you do not make sense... not even internally. The talk of dropping meds from somebody who not so long ago claimed lithium is better then limits on bank accounts and that you don't have all that willpower? After all the threads in praise of your meds... (and not giving yourself much credit for your progress even if others been telling you this), it doesn't make sense you'd want to drop it all.

I don't judge one's worldview... but you don't even sound like yourself. You're not consistent.

I did make jewelry while manicky actually, so yes (of course it was the "I should study, let's blow the food money on beads and wires and make things, yay!", but eh). Not to mention work with beads somewhat falls into the OCD basket... at least for me.

Maybe it's your biological clock (I had that silly thing interfere with my "no babies" worldview... I swear there's babieeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzz switch in one's brain that turns off your values and rationality).

And as for not getting attached to your fetus... not sure you are in control of it. Even women who get abortion after absolutely-not-wanting-to-have-the-baby-no-way-in-hell... they get messed up... so not something in your control.

You sound VERY manicky. Something seems seriously awry with you, very grandiose. Time to call your pdoc and let him know your thinking is getting out of control.

I agree.

....and I feel worried for you.

Hope you're ok Hammie? Hope you feel the concern here, and not judgment?

This does seem manic, grandiose, obsessive. It makes sense biologically and emotionally that you, as a fertile female want a baby, but it does not make sense right now.

You're going through a lot right now:

1. divorce
2. custody battle
3. reuniting with your 20 yr old son
4. getting ready to travel to Europe, where you will see old friends and their small children.
5. planning to go back to law school
6. recently moved
7. new love life
8. the holidays
9. just had birthday
10. changing locks so abusive ex can't come in
11. getting ex's stuff moved out of your flat

These are all major and potentially triggering events, you may have even more going on that I don't know about.

What does make sense would be to focus on the current babies you have, even though they're not little babies. And focus on your health. It's like your plate is already full with 3 babies, but you haven't been able to be with them. But you could be with them a lot in the near future. You may think that a new baby will heal the heartbreak from the time lost, but it won't.

You have baby lust, and it happens - Venus is right, we have the omg babieeeez switch in our brain. It's so hardwired, but doesn't make it a good idea.

Btw, my best beadwork, sewing, crochet work was done while hypo/manic. You're medicated now so the hypo/mania could look different. I still had episodes while on lithium, just had better coping tools to recognize them, stop myself and not act on stuff.

Please come back to earth and be practical about this. Having a child is too huge a decision to decide like this. Can you take the mania test on here just to see what it would say?

I am beyond words so happy for you and your son. I brought my son home this morning from the rehab, so I'm about to cry in happiness for how your son wants to see you and the plans you are making to reunite, it is so beautiful to me.

But there's a lot of concern here from your friends because we love you dearly! And not judgment because we've all been through crazy stuff too!

Hamster .... This is something you stated ( sorry I don't understand how to do the quote stuff)

~~I already have three cats. Two are mine and one is a foster kitty. I have already talked to them about the possibility of having a baby: they said that if I continue to feed them well, they will accept a new arrival.~~~

Do you mean you talked to your cats about accepting a baby and they said if you feed them well they will accept a baby ?????????????????????

Really ? Seriously? I hope you are Ok ... I'm worried about you.

I haven't checked in for a few days but hamster please please contact your doctor. You sound like you are manic.

I think this was just hamsters dry sense of humor. Plus she's not getting pregnant NOW - this is a plan for several months into the future.

That's kind of an asshole thing to say Skipper. Nice support, not. I hope she has you blocked and didn't have to read that. It's not even any of our business except to try to help each other.

Thanks for keeping a watchful eye on me! I did not mean to disappear - I was just very busy: wrapped up work in preparation for the vacation, had a meeting with the lawyer, introduced the cat sitter to my cats, etc. etc. as well as did research as I thought through this idea. And, talk to T (who did not find the idea crazy). It appears to be physically impossible for reasons unrelated to psych drugs. With psych drugs, I would be OK - all my options for sleep (low dose marijuana, low dose seroquel, low dose elavil) all appear safe for both pregnancy and breastfeeding, and the key factor is "low dose". What is not OK? Imitrex is not OK for pregnancy and Tazorac is not OK for pregnancy AND breastfeeding. These appear to be showstoppers. Not only would I not have Imitrex to abort migraine attacks (the only approved medication for headaches in pregnancy is Tylelon which does not work for my migraines) but, I have read, the hormones surging in pregnancy exacerbate migraines, making them more severe and more frequent. And I am not prepared to sign up for many many months of debilitating pain. Because it would take several months to conceive - because I am over 40, I should not expect instant conceptions I had in my twenties - plus bad amnio results may necessitate an abortion and trying again, all of which would translate into well over a year of migraines. That is too much of a sacrifice. Imitrex is not 100% effective but it is still pretty darn effective especially if used early and I have over the years become really skilled at recognizing early signs of my migraine attacks and using Imitrex right away - I always carry Imitrex in my purse. So that appears to be a showstopper. I still vividly remember a horrible migraine that I had when pregnant with my son - I was running around Austin, TX all night long trying to run away from my body and my pain. So when I read that pregnancy exacerbates migraines, I sure believed it. For some reason I did not have migraines when pregnant with my daughters, but since them, with age, they have become worse, so it is a very serious factor.

The story with Tazorac might make me appear vain, but I will tell it nonetheless. I have very good skin, and no wrinkles. I faithfully use Tazorac and it works remarkably well - my dermatologist is very pleased. A couple of days ago I saw one of my professors from Stanford whom I had not seen for over 15 years and he told me that I had not changed (he had not either - amazingly. This is someone I rather stupidly did not marry, preferring ex, but anyway). Back when we were in contact, Maria used to wonder how I am over 40 without wrinkles. I told her "use Tazorac when you hit 30, to be on the safe side". But at 40 and over, Tazorac or other topical retinoids are a must, because they are the only thing that partially reverses sun damage, and skin aging is essentially sun damage. Well, all topical retinoids are unsafe. That includes breastfeeding. Not just pregnancy but breastfeeding. When I read it, my initial reaction was "OK, so I will not breastfeed past the first year." But the more I think about it, the less realistic it appears. How would I wean a cosleeping one year old? I have no skill to do that. He or she would not know that at one it is the time to wean. They are still awfully small at one and need at least a lot of nighttime feedings. I weaned my son at 17 months by leaving him for two months with my mother. Other people do it, too - my midwife weaned her middle child at 2 by going to China for two weeks and I know of other examples, but it is traumatic for the child and I do not want to go that route again - I later felt terribly guilty. I do not now of other ways to wean that early. The child would sleep with the mother who would smell of milk and of course would want to nurse. I would feel that I should continue to nurse until at least two, then three, etc., and that would not be good for the skin on my face. But at least I can think of this a sacrifice that is within the limits: sure, I will look older but have a child - that is a reasonable trade-off. Experiencing repeated untreatable migraines for more than a year just does not seem like an acceptable sacrifice.

More thoughts.

Physicial health. I am in a better physical health other than more frequent migraines than I used to be. My immunity is better and my cardiovascular endurance is better. No showstoppers or areas of concern.

Sleep requirements. I have high sleep requirements. I cannot manage on 4-5 hours of sleep unlike some other people daily. In the beginning of a new child's life, it is not a concern: the child's sleep requirements are still much, much higher than mine. I do not know how sleep deprivation happens to new parents - I remember sleeping while breastfeeding as the best quality sleep, and Prolactin, the hormone of breastfeeding, is relaxing. So no concerns but something to look forward to. But as years would go by, I would have a problem needing as much sleep as I do because it would be hard to accomplish productive things during the few waking hours that I have. Not a showstopper but an area of concern.

Recovery after childbirth. No problems here - when my son was born in a hospital, he was taken to the nursery and I went to wash my hair. For some reason it seemed like a priority. It was before this disease with its self-care problems struck me, so washing my hair was the #1 thing. A nurse came and wondered what I was doing "You are supposed to rest". But I was not tired. After Julia was born, I had vaginal sex within the next fews days - midwives allow it after uncomplicated deliveries, unlike doctors in hospitals. I had no problem with that, and in general recovered right away despite hemorrhage after the birth. No PPD ever. So no concerns.

The birth itself. Apparently after such a long break the clock is reset and I would not have faster, easier labors as is usually the case with subsequent births. It is OK - if, at worse, the birth would take as long as my son's birth took, it is still not the end of the world - I woke up at a reasonable hour in the morning, noticed contractions, found someone to take me to the hospital and delivered at noon sharp. I can handle it again.

Delivery - I would go for midwife-assisted waterbirth at home. I have only had dry births but since I find water nice and relaxing, I think a waterbirth would be better.

Marriage - absolutely no, a resounding no. Not ready to live with a man and do not have a good skillset selecting a partner for marriage. T said that I probably do not want marriage because I enjoy my current freedoms. That is true, but I would not want an open marriage either - I just do not want guys on a live-in basis. Come and go is fine, but live-in is not. I want a family bed with a child, me, and three cats.

Cats - cats are a recent and wonderful addition to my life and I did not have them when I was having babies. They scratch, lovingly, leaving deep scratches that I do not mind but with a baby, it would not be OK. I will need to learn to trim their nails.

Lack of housekeeping skills - I am very messy and it is a complete showstopper as I see it now. When I lived with Maria and Julia, Maria was very popular and was always invited to playdates and sleepovers and was angry at me since she could not invite back to our messy place. I am better now in that I do not buy stuff any more, but I still lack skills a lot. T said that a nanny can do light housekeeping. OK, so until I can afford a nanny and a cleaning service, I cannot have a baby, period. Plus, currently my apartment cannot be babyproofed.

Candidates - I have two dates with a guy I am extremely enthusiastic about. He is a polyamorous man, even though he currently reports only one r/s that he calls "secondary" for both parties as she is married, plus she lives within an hour and a half drive. Still, polyamorous people are open and honest, which is very attractive. Plus, he has experience living (cohabiting) with a survivor of domestic abuse, and he was always patient and steadfast with her, trying to prove that he is not that kind of man, that he would not lose his temper, and that he would not become violent towards her, until she got the message. Plus, he is friendly with all exes, unlike me, and to me this is a huge plus. He says that it is just impossible for him after spending that kind of time and energy that you spend on dating to not remain friendly. That survivor of domestic abuse is now married, not in a romantic r/s with him anymore, but a "dear friend". To him, my situation with a court case is completely unthinkable. Obviously, he has no restraining orders in place against anybody. So, that civilized and that evolved. My age, a computer programmer, very open - I know his last name, have read his LinkedIN profile and the website about the book he wrote about one of the programming languages, from Oklahoma, very pleasant facial features, but heavy (I am slender in comparison). Cannot think of anything else negative. If someone like that wanted to coparent with me, providing his time on a daily basis, emotional and financial support, and a guaranteed friendship forever even if the romantic r/s ends, maybe I could suffer through the migraines. But not otherwise. When my cat Adele (who at that time was a foster kitty) ran away, I received ample support from the local cat rescue agency. Someone pulled up her photo and printed an ad "Adele has been lost" and brought me lots of flyers. Someone else posted these flyers, and yet someone else went door-to-door in my neighborhood notifying the neighbors that she had been lost. Someone gave me tips on using rottisserie chicken to attract her during the night (did not work). Someone fielded calls from people who thought that they had seen her. Ultimately she was found, and I did not feel alone. On this board, I receive support and do not feel alone. That is very important. So definitely no sperm bank - not just because I do not have the money, but because I do not want to be a superwoman anymore. I handled young children on my own, to the point of washing and hanging to dry Julia's cloth diapers, and enjoyed it, but I do not want to do it anymore. Especially if I have to suffer through pain so much, I want to be supported. If I cannot find support - emotional, physical, financial - I definitely won't do it. Plus, I do want a father figure - at least one - for the child. My inspiration is not the sperm bank solution but my midwife who has not one but two father figures for her youngest daughter - the biological father who lives with her and G., her ex husband and best friend, who handles bedtime twice a week. It is not that it is my goal, or even a stretch goal, to provide a primary and a secondary father figure - no, I think that one is enough, but one is necessary. I do appreciate Miguel's Mom's idea of a sperm bank though because it is entirely logical - it is the only solution that compltely eliminates the risk of someone claiming 100% custody. But - not doable.

Psychological evaluation - I "lost" my Axis I dx. It beat my expectations- I hoped to lose BPD on Axis II (and did) but I certainly could not have hoped to "lose" Axis I. That gives me a big pause before overhauling the current lifestyle, the medications, the daily schedule, etc., because apparently whatever I am doing is working so well. Not the only reaction, of course - another possible reaction is to say that maybe I am not so sick in the first place and can take risks. But I am leaning towards not taking risks.

Proving something - when the girls visited me, Maria said "But you cannot raise a child - who would trust you with a child?" T and I agreed that it is not a good motivation to have a child to prove a point.

Migraines - back to migraines, they do seem like a complete showstopper because they are so painful and long and the idea that a pregnancy would exacerbate them is definitely not something I wanted to hear.

Communication with the children not mediated by T: I have graduated to normal communications with my son, without assistance from my T. She helped with the hardest part and now I am on my own.

Money - to BlueInanna's idea that it is better to earn money and spend it helping the existing children than to have a baby. Yes, with respect to my son. He says that he does not need money now as education in Canada is inexpensive, but eventually he would want to study abroad (in Germany) and for that, he would need money and I would love to help him. with respect to the girls, I feel that I am being forced to support then and if the situation does not improve, I do not plan to help them once they reach the age of majority. I am just not so nice as to help kids who do not want to talk to me, even if I know that they have been brainwashed!

Medications - I had an interest in managing bipolar using Lithium alone, without AP's, before this idea of getting pregnant came up. I am still interested in doing that. Originally, when I dropped Geodon, I had trouble falling asleep - it was taking me a long time to fall asleep. This is not surprising - Geodon is known to cause sedation. But I persevered, and my body adjusted and now I fall asleep as fast as before. So I plan to continue to be off Geodon and will tell the p-doc in Jan that I want to use Lithium alone (aided by a bit of Prozac), as had been the gold standard before atypical AP's received FDA approval, en masse, for bp maintenance. But that is it: I will not stop other medications. I will just continue dating people and if someone really supportive, in all senses of this word, comes along, then, and only then, I will think about it. The thing is not how to live off medications - I had lived without medications before I was diagnosed in my thirties - but whether I would find a coparenting partner who would want to be very involved in his child's life without actually living with me (sure can have the child live partially with him post-weaning). This is a tall order, a fairly unusual request (though not too unusual) so the likelihood of finding kindred spirit is small.

Fertility. Metformin which I take for weight control is not only safe in pregnancy and for breastfeeding, but is known to increase the chances of pregnancy. So if I decide to go ahead, I would not be left completely to my own devices. I would have help.

Migraines again - the prospect of pain seems like an unsurmountable obstacle even if I find an absolutely ideal partner for coparenting. I really depend on Imitrex. I have a monthly reminder to order Imitrex so that I do not run low on my supply. I would not say that living without Imitrex is like living without oxygen, no, but it comes close - who likes pain??

Thank you again for keeping a watchful eye on me - it is true to both my son and Maria were products of impulsive conceptions so I am being very cognizant of this trend.

But I AM taking Geodon as a PRN drug with me on the trip, in case I start hallucinating or something (so far, the transient difficulty with falling asleep was the only sign of being off Geodon). I am also taking Zyprexa and plan to take a lot of Zyprexa on the transatlantic flight in the hope to just "check out" for many hours. I sure hope that it would work.

I took ex' threat to restrict my international travel seriously and in light of that I realize that it may be my last transatlantic flight in many years, until I pay the arrears in child support, so I will try to enjoy it. If I cannot manage to fall asleep, I will watch movies .

Really glad you've thought this through from all angles, and relieved you did not take offense to us nay-sayers

Sounds like it might be a moot point for you, but in case it is relevant to anyone reading here....you mentioned that small amounts of pot are safe for pregnancy and breastfeeding. I'm not at all educated on pot, so idk if this is true or not. However, there was a recent case where a woman had her infant and toddler removed from her custody due to breastfeeding while using medical marijuana. I saw it on Dr. Drew and a quick google search seems to suggest that the mom's name was Daisy Bram if you want to look it up. I believe mom eventually got the kids back but went through hell.

Glad you are feeling well, Hammy. Happy holidays.

Best,
EJ

Right. Just to add...I have a friend who adopted her sister's child because he was removed from her custody at birth by the state after he testing positive for marijuana exposure (thc) in the hospital. *If* a hospital suspects drug use for any reason or sees signs of withdrawal in the newborn, they will test; a positive for exposure definitely can cause you to lose custody. FYI: If they test the baby's meconium, it can detect drug exposure in the last four to five months of pregnancy. They can use the meconium test to look for exposure to marijuana, cocaine, opiates, amphetamines and barbiturates.

I have not yet read the thread but I want to update with the thoughts that I have come up with independent of the feedback. It is a mixed bag.

1) As I continue to communicate with my son, I feel better. I have a goal to prepare the apartment for his visit, and I know that it is a good goal. Even as the relationship with the girls gets worse and worse, because their father instigates them and it is clear as day, and even as my lawyer warns me that we will need to go very very slowly due to the girls' animosity, I still feel good because I have something to look forward to in my hope that my relationship with my son improves. That alleviates the desire for another child. By a lot.

2) Age for having a baby only matters as a risk factor of abnormalities. Otherwise, I would be OK because my gfs/ age peers who had babies late are doing just fine. And I am a healthy person, when not on Topamax, so there should not be problems. Plus, I tandem-nursed Maria and Julia, meaning that while I was pregnant with Julia, I continued to breastfeed Maria. Maria now is a skinny girl but back then she was hugely fat with multiple extra chins and just simply off the charts - she was bigger than 95th percentile by height and weight. Julia was born at 9 pounds. So my body generated sustenance for a huge nursing child and a big fetus. And I was OK. I think if my body handled nurturing two babies at age 28-29, it can safely handle one at age 40+. One is easier than two. I see no issues.

3) What is different between my girlfriends' situations and mine is the amount of support.

Bff: husband, mother, grandmother, grandfather, FIL, MIL. Plus, she only works three days a week, as an archive worker at the main state history museum - low-stress occupation. Her grandparents are both for moral support so to speak but still. Lots of social support. And her mother lives within a few bus stops.

Lana: a widow, but has support from mother, father, deceased H's mother for emotional support, childless sister Veronica who moves in when Lana is in Paris, a nanny who also moves in when Lana is in Paris, and a cleaning lady. Lana works insane hours so she needs all of that support. Plus, having twins is extra hard. Her mother or father or both help the nanny so the twins are never left with one adult only.

Katya: divorced, has mother, father. Ex H only takes Anna for a walk once a week, so that can be discounted. I forgot to ask if he pays support but I doubt because she told me that she just recently kicked him out of her apartment after allowing him to live there for free for three years while she stayed with the parents. Katya is usually free in the mornings because being a jazz singer she works at night. So she spends time with Anna in the mornings. She breastfed Anna until almost one while being away for many days with the jazz band. She would pump and, crying, discard the milk. Day after day. And this way she saved the milk for Anna for when Katya would come back home. It is truly amazing and I am sure most women in Katya's shoes would take the easy way out with formula. Katya is not Madonna and she did not have the funds to hire a traveling nanny to take Anna with her on concert tours. So she did what she could.

Lena, my former teacher's daughter: lives with parents. Works as a German translator. Has a 3-y-o daughter, Lea. Has a H. H works a lot as a sys admin; works weekends often. Lea stays home - does not go to daycare. Lena stays with Lea and works at nights translating on a contract basis. Her mother does most of the cooking. Nice arrangement but I cannot work nights - I need to sleep to stay healthy.

While it seems wonderful to have that amount of support, there are drawbacks. Katya and her mother do not have the best r/s, and that is difficult for Katya. Bff has good r/s with everyone and so has Lana.

I can plainly see that my girlfriends would not be able to carry on without that extensive support.

The only way for me to have that kind of support is by pairing up with a guy who has relatives in the Bay Area. Most Americans in the Bay Area are from someplace else - Chicago, the East Coast, etc. It is extremely rare to see someone who is a Bay Area native. The only people with local relatives are immigrants from Russia, China, India, etc. It is probably not hard to start a r/s with a Russian immigrant, but when I think about what his parents would want to do to my future child - feed him or her thawed ice-cream, insist on wearing slippers and blow-drying hair and stepping out of a room when the windows are open, giving medications to no end for self-limiting infections that require no treatment - I do not even want to start thinking in that direction. Plus, all of those folks would be against extended breastfeeding - I know that. My parents were but I withstood their criticism. Bff did not - she weaned shortly before 2 because of incessant reprimands from both mother and father. I mean, I can be really assertive and strict and say that "this is how this baby will be raised, period" but I do not want conflict. So, for me, all that hypothetical support would come with a price. I remember how Emma, ex' mother, visited us and Julia, my younger daughter, was always running naked. I was totally fine with that. Emma could not believe what was going on and claimed that Julia would get cold and a kidney infection. I had to call our Pediatric Nurse Practitioner who approved our Julia's running naked (this was in Salinas in California Central Valley - the place from which you get your lettuce, and it is even warmer than the Bay Area) and explained that what matters is the core temperature of the body and it is incredibly hard to make that temperature go down. Emma still was not convinced. And all the other things that I do differently with children - I never ask them to finish their food, I allow to eat anything with anything (my Russian nanny did not permit milk with OJ - a typical American breakfast combo - for fear of a tummy discomfort), I do not give medications for fever below 40C and I am in general completely nonchalant about typical children's illnesses, and just a whole host of things that would create conflict if I were to get support from a Russian grandmother and grandfather.

So I have no good answer for myself here.

3) Extended breastfeeding. If I ever have a child, I would do extended breastfeeding as with Maria and Julia, for however long it is needed, 2, 3, 4 years, paying the price in the form of wrinkles (since I would not be able to use retinoids). It took me ten minutes to make that decision. During those ten minutes I observed Lana's twins, age 15 months. She weaned them at age 6 months. I observed them as they were transitioned from being outside in their strollers to having a meal in their high chairs. They cried, they fussed! I recalled that my daughters did not do that. Then I realized that they nursed during all of those transition moments. And that took care of everything. I certainly would not be able to deal with children crying so often during each transition. For me, to not breastfeed for many years would be akin to intentionally not using my right hand (I am right-handed) - sure, things still CAN be done, but with a lot of difficulty. Nope, I want an easy way out so I would breastfeed and screw the looks! Plus, Lana weaned by giving them pacifiers and I would not want my children sucking on thumbs or pacifiers. But that is minor - the major thing is that I only want to deal with things in the easiest possible manner.

4) Fertility treatments. During those same 10 minutes that I observed Lana's twins I confirmed that I would not be able to handle twins. They crawl in different directions! So, just confirming that absolutely no fertility treatments that increase the likelihood of twins.

5) Weight. I was skinnier after I gave birth to my son than pre-pregnancy, probably due to swimming every day during the pregnancy (and perhaps yoga, too). So with the right amount of exercise, it can be done without damaging effects.

6) Disease prevention. I would not get pregnant for that, obviously, but if I do have a baby for other reasons, it would be nice to know that with another pregnancy and another few years of nursing, the breast cancer risk would go down further. My mother died from metastasis from breast cancer. She only had me and she only breastfed for 11 months.

7) Outsourcing and extended support. Ex used to say that children need their parents and do not want nannies and other caregivers. So we always did everything by ourselves, never having a single date night because babysitters were off-limits. Well, I see that my girlfriends' children are happy even though they are cared for by a nanny or extended family. Anna called her mother Katya the best in the world! So it can be done. There are different ways to raise happy and well-adjusted children.

8) Migraines. By happenstance, I now have a non-pharmacological way of dealing with migraines. Hot showers, suggested by bff. Now I remember - my mother used to take hot showers for her migraines, and not just hot showers by directing the stream of water to hit the back of her neck. It does work. It provides relief for a couple of hours, and then you have to do it again. I ended up taking four hot showers. And then I had pain at 1-2 for the whole 24 hours. So now I know that even when I think that Imitrex does not work, it does - it reduces the duration of the attack by a lot. Even when it does not reduce the level of pain, it reduces the duration.

Of course, life is much easier with Imitrex, but hot showers are a doable alternative solution, so migraines during pregnancy are no longer a show-stopper.

9) Qualities in a hypothetical father - the most interesting part!

So, first H was also my former teacher's student and she knows him well and she considers him the most shallow person in the world. Second H - you know enough. So my teacher talked about the disastrous choices I made. I told her that it is not there were no other offers. She said that she did not doubt that for a moment, but the fact remains that faced with a choice I choose the worst. By the way I shared that idea of having another baby and people did not think it was completely crazy. My former teacher, Eugenia, worried about several things. First, that a baby would enslave me unless I actually enjoy. I said that I actually enjoy. In truth, in the past she told me that I should not have THREE cats because they would enslave me... she has one old cat. But I do have all three of them and I enjoy. So she said "fine". Her next concern was whom I would be with (we discussed a hypothetical third marriage, not a co-parenting arrangement without living together). Eugenia is just afraid of another disastrous choice.

That allowed me to formulate what I would be looking for.

When I was dating ex, he told me about all three former wives. First wife, no children, on neutral terms. She married a common friend. Ex is friends with him and completely neutral with her. Fine. Second wife. Divorced him and did not want him to communicate with the children from the States. So, conflict. That should have been a red flag. I disregarded. Third wife. No children. He filed for a restraining order when they were divorcing after a short marriage, AND he blamed her for ruining his r/s with all the p-docs and T's in the Bay Area that he knew and according to him had the misfortune of introducing her to. She is now a practicing T. He complained that he helped her in every way to advance her career and she then turned all his contacts against him by telling them stories. He never talks to her. Well, that part should really have been a red flag to me because he went on to blame ME for everything and he continues to threaten a restraining order against ME!!!

My lesson learned: if I date someone and he tells me the words "restraining order", I pick up and leave. Sure, it may not have been his fault, but one can never be too cautious. At my age, most people I might date would have exes. So I would look at how they deal with their exes. If there is a lot of conflict, name calling, blaming - out immediately. No excuses. I do realize that one can be an innocent victim, but with my history, again, one cannot be too cautious.

And here are the people who have amazed me in how they deal with exes and have earned my respect:

a) Lana. She was not formally married to her second H. H was going through a divorce. He died days before they were going to get married. His mother disapproved of his r/s with Lana and tried to block his divorce from his first W. But after his death, Lana was able to foster a really good r/s with her despite all that and the lady is a good grandmother to the twins who provides emotional support to Lana. Moreover, on her own initiative, Lana fostered a r/s with her deceased H's ex W and his 6-y-o son from his first marriage, and invites them regularly so that half-brothers could bond with each other. It just blew me away! What a civilized woman!!

She is also friendly with her first H. And, that reminds me, back when her first H and Lana got married, I heard the following story: for him, it was a second marriage. He was divorced and he was ... styling his ex W's hair for her to go on dates - he had had training as a hairdresser. Amazing! And totally foreign to me.

b) I had a bf (who eventually died from suicide). He and his sister were raised by the mother alone. His father left. He did not help at all. He remarried and had another son and another daughter. There was no contact between the two families. Then, the father committed suicide (a lot of inherited mental illness in one family). Then, the two widows, basically, started supporting each other emotionally. Amazing.

c) A man I met through OkCupid and told him just a tiny bit of what I am going through - the psych evaluation in order to see my daughters. To him, it was outrageous. He has good friendly r/s with all his ex lovers. All without exceptions. they are dear friends to him. It is unconscionable to him to first spend that kind of time, devotion, and energy on someone and afterwards to become enemies. I asked how he became this way. It turned out, his parents had an ugly divorce and do not talk to each other and it was so ugly that he made a choice, back then, to never repeat anything like that. And he has followed through. What a civilized man! That is what I need, b/c romantic r/s are volatile and you never know what will happen so I need a person who would remain a friend even when the romantic part is done.

d) Another man through the dating site. A very smart man who figured out that I am bipolar even though I only did small talk. Turns out, his ex wife is bp and he was very tired of living with her, but he did not use her disease against her and they have a perfectly 50/50 custody of their son who spends half to the week with each and on Wednesdays the mother drives the son to school and the father picks him up. Why did I not get such a man??

e) G. - best friends with ex wife. To the point of doing his weekly laundry at her (formerly, his) house because his apartment has no washer. Cute, for sure. Oh, and spends two evenings with her daughter she had with another guy. And his parents treat the girl as their own granddaughter.

So there are people who handle their exes in a civilized fashion. My first ex H would not even respond to two very nice emails with jokes that I sent him. After almost twenty years! And I did not do anything bad to him and in fact helped him get into the one of the best linguistics programs in the States. Still. And second ex H - even worse. Just think of all those years that I took AP's, probably for no reason, just because he thought that I had schizophrenia (he used to say to me that in the European classification my bp would be schizophrenia).

Sorry this is so long, I really wanted to share those amazing stories.

So that would be my litmus test - how a person has handled his past r/s. Nothing should be conflict-ridden at all.

10) By the way, Eugenia told me that eventually my daughters would come back to me but that may take years because they would need to become independent adults able to look at the world NOT through their father's eyes...

11) amnio - none of my girlfriends had amnios. Katya did not even know about it and, I think, 36 is just barely there, bff - did not say but I assume because she is seriously Christian, Lana because she heard of many false results with the need to retake the test and at any rate what would you do at 20 weeks with bad results? So none of them had it done. But I would if I get to that point. And T asked me about modern medicine and I said "absolutely, as much as I would want a low-tech birth I would want high-tech prenatal testing". No question about that in my mind.

12) Envy. When I realized that I might simply envy the sheer number a bit - ex has 4 children (two each with two wives) and G. has 4 children (likewise, two each with two women), I decided to slow down and take things easy . Envy should not be the driver of my actions! Plus, they are MEN - their kids come to them for free, with no pregnancy-induced migraines, no birthing pain, no maternity weight to lose, no nothing. I am a woman, after all! I need to think more.

13) Mania. Not manic. Has not been manic all that time. Proof? Very cautious shopping. Prior to the trip, went to REI (American chain of high-quality outdoor clothing and sports equipment) and bought everything for the trip in one hour. Did not overbuy. Well, did in terms of buying silk tights to wear underneath my jeans for very cold weather as a "base layer"... but D. told me it would be -20C and it was 0 C. So, not my fault. Further, was so reasonable that did not even shoplift when presented with a perfectly safe opportunity to do so - when I was trying the tights underneath my jeans, I realized that I could just leave the dressing room and not pay for them, but decided that I should not do that - I no longer have antisocial traits according to the recent psychological evaluation so I should behave accordingly and not shoplift. In Moscow, wanted to buy a vase. I do not have a vase and G. brings me flowers and I do not have a vase for them. Katya lives next to the oldest china store in Moscow which sells china, vases, and that kind of stuff. I did not buy a vase. Why? I thought through the consequences. It might break in transit. It would be expensive. And... Maddy and Tommy (two of my cats) like to jump to high places so they would eventually make it trip it and break. Therefore, I bought a simple 10 dollar vase from Amazon. If the cats break it, fine, I will buy a new one and no regrets. The ONLY thing I bought for myself in Moscow was Amitriptyline because it is dirt cheap there - $1 for a one month supply.

In the past, I would overbuy on my trips so much that I would end up having extra luggage and paying hundreds of dollars for it... insane. Nothing of this sort this time around.

Also, not manic because cooked a fair bit - three soups and two salads. Bought just the right amount of ingredients for the meals without overbuying, peeled, chopped everything in a uniform fashion, did all those careful, detail-oriented operations that one cannot do when manic. Katya even invited me to stay with her next time saying that she, too, wants a cooking guest!

14) just for the fun of it, came up with baby names that would qualify as names in Russian, English, and even German. Not much for boys - Daniel and Gabriel, but a whole lot for girls - Tanya, Nadya, Nina, Lena or Elena, Lana, Liza, etc. So I am prepared for the most important part of the deal already

I have put this idea on ice pending the resolution of the issue with whether I have bipolar. Will return to it in a few months.

I'm so glad things are getting sorted out for you.

Thanks, I just need to sequence things step by step. Not too many things at once.

The odds of conceiving a chromosomal normal child at your age is 5% or less. Assisted reproductive technology can increase that greatly.