[BlueInanna]

I really do, voice in me is telling me get out, get out, run, break up with bf. It does get worse when things are going bad with my son. Bf is not a compassionate man, nor is he romantic or sensual or emotional. He stays over about once a week and snores worse than anyone I've ever heared of.

It's very black and white right now, I think I hate him. I think back on the past 7 years, when my little boy looked up to him, only to be let down. Bf is divorced, says he never wants to marry again. I am so bored with him, I'm not happy. We havent made love in 3 months. Now i'm getting thin again, he's eyeing me, and I don't want to give it to him. Not after his comments during my lithium weight gain.

He loaned me a lot of money yesterday. I need to figure out a way to pay him back and get out of this r/s with him. Thinking about selling my car and getting a small used one. I need to move from this area, away from bf. Somewhere where my son won't know any meth people. Somewhere easier to live for a single mom than in the rugged mountains.

But this isn't practical and I have nowhere else to go. I am really trapped and have nowhere to go, it's a horrible feeling.

[faerie_moon_x]

Once I was trapped in a relationship with someone I hated and thought I could never get out. The bad thing I feared (losing my son) is what kept me, and when I finally got the courage to get out, it did come to pass. I know in a large part that's Karma, but I also know in a large part it was my Karma because I brought it forward. By focusing on it. (I think you know what mean.... I can't remember the right words right now.)

So, I say to focus on getting out and positive things happening.

Focus on:
I will pay him back easily and with no hardship to myself and family.

I will find a better, healthier place to live for my family.

Things like that.

[BlueInanna]

I know what you mean about karma, much of it has to do with what we're holding onto in our head.

I was trying to wait until the holidays had passed a bit, because I don't want to hurt him. But I hate him... ?

The final straw this time is that a couple we know invited us and my kids to their cabin in the snow for new years and to go skiing. I talked to bf and said they invited me and my kids. He said, oh yea well you won't be able to go. (?) I said, but I'd really love to go, why can't I go? He said, because of Nathan, you can't leave Nathan alone. I said, I'd like to bring Nathan, it would be good for him to be included in something. Bf scoffed at that, he said my son won't behave. Then he said it only going to be a short trip for the purpose of snowboarding only (he knows I suck at skiing and never even tried snowboarding), we'd come back on Monday. I said, but Monday is New years eve, wouldnt it be nice to spend new years up in the snow together? He said the trip is not about new years, it's about the snow, and he can't stand to be around the woman who invited us for very long.

I hate him. He takes mini vacations about every other week, and I'm not included. And he doesn't even want to do anything special for new years with me. I have to end this.

I'm trying to think I'll be able to pay him back, but I have no money, no savings.
And I'm picking my brain, where to go, where to go, just blanks I have nowhere to go, and I can't stay here. Then, if I were to uproot my 11 yr old, it could be disastrous. Where are all my bright ideas.

[faerie_moon_x]

I'm going to tell you that hate isn't a good thing for the relationship. In my experience, it just keeps growing.

I do advise you get out of it, maybe set up a payment arrangement with him? I wish I knew a way to find extra money but I don't.

[Debi54]

I can relate to how you feel. I, too, am in a similar situation. Have been with bf off and on for 12 years now, since I moved here. At one point, we lived together, tried it a couple of times. The second time was because I lost my job and couldn't pay rent. Thought at first he would be a good role model for my son, who was 4 when we got together, but it ended up being an abusive relationship at that time because he is older than me and did not understand my bipolar. I broke up with him and started dating someone else, but he never went away, so now that I'm not with the other man anymore, he is still here. He has mellowed out, deals with me much better, but still is a co-dependent relationship. I am making plans to move back to my hometown in FL, out of the mountains as well, as you stated, not an easy place for a single mom to live in the mountains. No jobs, no opportunities. If you feel anger and resentment toward the bf, I would say it's time to get out. Make arrangements to pay him back so you don't owe him anything, and make plans to do what is best for you and your son. If he is around people on meth, that is clearly not a good environment for your child and you need to get out. Also, staying with someone you don't like just builds on already negative feelings and eventually pervades everything in your life, making you more depressed.

[hamster-bamster]

Blue, you describe him as insensitive and thick-skinned, so at least do not worry about hurting him. And, congratulations on getting him again.

[faerie_moon_x]

Hey Blue, hope things are better after the weekend. Even if just a little bit.

[bluemountains]

Did you sign a contract concerning the money? If not, kick him to the curb and tell him you'll pay him back as able. You go through enough sh**t, Blue. You don't need to provide a weekly bunk buddy for this guy. I didn't like him the minute you said that he has no use for your kids.
If I am being too pushy about this, Blue, I'm sorry. Just tell me to mind my own business. I want only good things for you and your family. I hope that 2013 is your year, Blue!
Bluemountains

[venusss]

If he insist on going on trips alone... he is probably not gonna have too many problems with letting you go...

[faerie_moon_x]

Bluemountains and Venus make really good points, actually....

[Bobbarita]

I agree with bluemountains. Unless you signed a written contract, let it slide. Matter of fact money you feel you OWE him or likewise is not the priority. If it makes you feel better, karma, yada, yada, you can choose to take on the $ issue in the future. And unless you hit the lottery make small payments. Put YOUSELF 1st NOW. Plan. Look around and ask at Women's Resource Center's for help, guidance, and support. You are not the 1st woman this has happened to... Help is out there believe me, due to my own lack of planning I found out about it in a quick, desperate way, but if you plan and inquire in advance I think it might go smoother for you. At the very least, you might learn about possibilities you didn't know about or never considered. Good luck to you. I am past the initial desparate stage for the moment with a long way to go and much on my plate. I am certain I will feel desperate again, but hey...I made it out the 1st time! Now I chalk it up to experience. Except for legal matters I have no sight or contact with him and for me that is a blessing. It will be a "lonely" New Year's Eve but I'm OK. I even enjoy my own company...

[~Christina]

Blue .. Just end this unhealthy so called relationship.. he has issues with your son, he doesn't want to go away with all your kids and doesn't want to stay because someone gets on his nerves? , He made remarks about your weight? Ok Ok Ok all those things are just unacceptable. YOU deserve much better. Your life has been in turmoil for quite some time... He should be supportive! The money he loaned you? Okay so you will pay him back whenever you can. Don't let that borrowed money be a reason you don't end this.

I'm serious YOU deserve better! Being single would be better than staying with someone like that..

You know all the things we are all typing to you.. Be strong follow your gut feelings and Please Please just take care of you

[BlueInanna]

Thanks for support guys, it means much to me. I'm not in a good place, thinking very bad thoughts, hating my life, my body, all my mess ups and feeling only way out is the easy way out (I don't think it's easy at all to have these thoughts and I hate that people call it that, but that's what they call it). I won't really do it but I hate how much I'm thinking about it. It's my time of month which isn't helping. I have barely left bed in a couple days and have no desire to. Just waiting for these unmentionable thoughts to leave my head. I will start taking the stupid lithium again if I'm not better in a couple days. Dude guy came home early today from Tahoe to spend New Years with me. Has a party for us to go to with a family I really like, they have kids my youngest son likes, so I want to be strong and put on the happy face for my little big guy. I want him to have a happy time tonight. It's 3pm and I'm still in bed, I did get up and shower earlier. I hate this time of year.