Feeling a bit mixed

I think it's a typical mixed episode, being caused partially due to my meds. They are sedating me so much, that I even pass out at times.
I'm feeling lonely and overwhelmed. I know I ought to phone my pdoc and let him know, but I am too scared/shy to phone.
I'm worried I have too much on my plate and that I'm going to keep losing my grip on life.
3 of my grandparents are gravely ill too, and I'm preparing myself for the worst.
I have been sleeping a lot more than normal and had no motivation to do anything at all.

Argggg....grumble....rant...

hope you get through it soon.

hugs

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I question calling my PDOC a lot because I feel like I am bothering him. But from what you said it seems you really need to call.
Maybe a medication tweak could help you deal with all the stressful stuff going on. But venting,posting on hear sure does help!

I also feel I'm bothering him. And that he'd rather I come in, where he can charge me for a consultation, lol.
I sent him a mail. He's recently done a med tweak when I came out of hospital, but maybe it was too much. I think I was actually supposed to see him 2 weeks after I got out of hospital, which is round about now. It's always frustrating when it seems a med tweak hasn't worked; it's like a let-down.

I need to pull on everything I learnt in therapy to stay strong and not lose it right now. Including that I mustn't overwhelm my support structure.

All of my episodes anymore, plus the cycling.... all seem to be mixed!!!!!! been that way for long time.

I understand the kind of depression that makes you want to crawl out of your own skin, the kind where you have to do something, now, but it's enough to where you can't do anything. Ugh! I am soooooo sorry that you are in that place right now. We can talk if you like

If your meds are making you pass out, it is probably a good idea to call. Best to call if it is effecting you negatively, I think. I don't think you're bothering him. We have people call all the time for insulin adjustments. Let me tell you, when they don't call and you're worried how it's going, that's when you start losing sleep about someone.

Sorry about your grandparents. I can see why you would be triggered right now.

So sorry your going through such a rough time right now I hope it passes soon for you. Maybe you need to get over your shyness and phone the doc before it gets worse.

Going through a mixed episode really sucks, for me it usually entails having negative thoughts combined with restlessness, irritation, agitation and at times aggression.

I hope you get through this mixed episode soon and start feeling better.


The Wolf

Suga

Oh the dreaded mixed stuff I agree with everyone.. Time to call the Pdoc. Please let them know about maybe being over medicated ? and that causing you to pass out. You have gone through alot. Be kind to yourself. I am sorry about your grandparents

Stay in touch

Suga I am really sorry about your grandparents. You really have had it rough in the last while.

Are you taking an antipsychotic? They are known for causing low blood pressure and orthostatic hypotension which leads to passing out. That happened to me quite often on them, I have really low blood pressure to begin with and it really made it worse. If you are taking a med in that category that might be what's happening. Could be the same for some of the other meds too, I wouldn't leave it tho, there is probably other reasons that could happen, best to be safe.

I think you do need to speak to your doctor about it, I felt the same way... didn't like bugging them.This is something your dr is going to want you to bother them with. One of those things where when you mention it eventually, they ask why you didn't call them. That is what they do, your dr will not mind or see this as a bother.

Time to put therapy into practise, yes for sure. Do you remember a lot of what you learned? Do you still see your T?

Lots of love to you Suga...

I agree with everyone call your T or pdoc. If you can get your meds adjusted you may feel less overwhelmed.

I do still see my T weekly and did mention to her that I was battling to concentrate. I saw her on Wed, and it was on Thurs that I passed out in a presentation. I just could not keep my eyes open.
This morning my boyfriend woke me up 3 times - it still took 45 mins for me to really be awake.
I've had Seroquel added in the last 6 weeks. While. Was in hospital, there was more concern over high blood pressure, but that seems to have been due to drinking too little water.

We are busy moving apartments. My boyfriend has been great and really put in a lot of effort while I've been at work. The moving process stresses me out too much. Haven't seen my horse in a while though. We got 2 pug puppies yesterday. They are brothers. They will be my therapists between sessions.
My mother leaves tomorrow for Germany to see her mother (my grandmother) for what is presumably the last time. I don't know what to say about that. She's fallen away to nothing and isn't eating or drinking.
I didn't take my 25mg Seroquel this morning, so I can see if I am more awake that way.

Thank you once again for all your wonderful support - I don't know what I'd do without you xxx

I'm glad you are still seeing your T. Wow you really have your plate full, moving on top of it all. Awesome that your bf is being great through this.

Maybe go to a pharmacy where you can check your blood pressure yourself and see where it is at. Standbup slowly when you go from standing to sitting. And I can see how that would happen durring a presention if you were standing for a while. Blood pressure can rise and fall pretty quickly. Makensure you are eating well and drinking enough fluids too. When we are stressed it's hard, like with your mother. Hopefully she will be able to get back on track too. But it might take a while. Just encourage her and let her know you are concerned.

My brother in laws mother passed away a few months ago and her husband stopped eating and drinking, then he too ended up in the hospital. He is ok now but it was hard. Is there a hospice house near you or your mother, or somehwere that offers grief counselling? That might be good for her and maybe you also since they specifically deal with loss and grief.

Pugs are AWESOME!!! I had a pug named Chin Sui, he was amazing company. They almost seem human in expression and have so much personality. Great company since they were bread for companions. I hope having them around will help. My pug helped a lot, I had to give him up when I moved, no pets allowed and I really needed low income housing. But I really miss him alot.

Just keep reaching out, and especially taking care of yourself right now.

Pug puppies have been awesome over the weekend.
My mother has gone to Germany on Saturday and I'm still awaiting feedback
The move is nearly complete, just a few boxes to unpack.
My boyfriend's daughter is probably moving in with us - stress. She's 15.

I got a bit hypomanic on the weekend and ended up drinking too much. Now my mood is a total mess and I feel very lonely and insecure.

Whoop whoop - life goes on

Eeeeek mixed are the worst. You should go see him incase you can't call him down the track. I try to jump the gun on myself as I know if I leave it too long I think I don't have bipolar and that the doctor will just think I'm weak and faking it. Consequently the docs never seen me at my wrt and probably sent think I'm that bad. Haha. Ironic.

Anyways. You should call him I think, mixes are dumb.

I hope you're feeling a bit better today, Suga.

Yesterday my mind was all over the place. I was also feeling anxious and a bit lonely. But I manage to stay up after midnight doing paperwork.
Today I'm doing ok. But I'm going to cut my dose of Seroquel. Battled to get up this AM

Hang in there Suga

Hey Suga

I was put on 200 mg of Seroquel in September and I just could not tolerate it. It would knock me out so bad- all if a sudden I couldn't formulate comprehendible words. I looked at my bf and was all gotta goo tuh behhhhd. Then I absolutely could not wake up (I report to work at 7 am. Literally would nod out on the freeway- bad news.) I went down to 100 -a bit better but sometimes hard to wake up.
Good luck.

"Anger is the ultimate destroyer of your own peace of mind." Dalai Lama

Thanks for sharing your experience Treehugger. I think I'm going to have to cut my dose further.

I'm not in a good space today. Only had 2 beers last night.
But argued with my boyfriend, who eventually climbed into bed, rolled over, and wouldn't talk. I felt guilty that I'd upset him. I know he was tired, but I also wanted some attention. I eventually played some games on my iPad to distract myself before I could fall asleep. I was nearly in tears.

Had a difficult T session yesterday. I thought I was in a good place. When we started talking, she managed to pry and ask some questions, and the reality hurt.

How do I get over issues, when I got stuck in my emotional growth in the infant stage? As an example - we've worked out that my chronic sense of loneliness is because I only believe a person exists and cares when they are physically in my presence. When they walk away, it's as if they no longer exist. It's not enough for me to hold onto our last conversation and know they do care and are there. This is what infants do... I feel weak and embarrassed.
I then thought about all the issues that I have that have arisen due to me being stuck in the infant stage, and I cringe.
It's like my emotions are stuck at infant stage, but logic has evolved to where I am at now.
We also touched on how I am a people pleaser, and that I am not ever happy, unless I can make someone else happy.
There's just so much... I even said to her I don't know why I still go to therapy when I walk in there fine, and leave a mess. I understand - there obviously is a lot of work to be done.
For the first time ever I nearly burst into tears (my cheeks go bright red with emotions) and I admitted to her that a lot of the emotions were de to the fact that she had spoken so softly and caringly to me, and that it made me feel soft.

Aaaaaa - I'm sure many of you will have plenty of insights to give me. But this is kind of what is going on in my head. I'm going to start writing a bit more between sessions.

Someone extremely dear to me seems to struggle with this too. As someone on the other side of that -- and I think I am speaking for many many many others here -- I think of him constantly, whether I'm there or not and fervently wish that he were able to truly feel how very much caring there is and feel secure in it. Truly.feel.it.securely. Like a hug in a blanket fresh from the dryer! And better than a blanket, it stays not only snuggly, but warm! For real. It's THERE.
Here we are on the same side of the coin. People-pleasing? Oh yeah. (Not on everything, but on way too much). Just a tidbit of wisdom on that one -- It's not as if I've totally overcome it, lol -- but it's better than it was. The key was understanding boundaries. Before, it was like everyone else was entitled to them, but not me. Hell, I'd strictly observe boundaries others didn't even have(!) So encroaching on theirs was definitely not a problem. But I was a doormat. It was pretty enlightening to learn I was entitled to have them too, and that the word "no" was not only ok, but helped keep resentment from building up too much. That building up either resulted in making a very messy explosion or eating me up inside. Which both sucked, so doing something about it came ready-made with motivation.

The other I have no wisdom at all on. I get very uncomfortable in being a recipient in close proximity of "too much" caring. Want to see either freeze-up or deflection in action? Come to the show! It's Olympic quality. Inside my head it's just straight up panic. It's like walking into finals on a class I never took -- given in a language I don't know(!) You've got wisdom for me on that one!

Writing is really good. Good luck with these, suga. Yeah, they take work and practice, but breaking them down helps in recognizing what's going on and that's where it all starts in turning it around.

Thanks IZ. My mind has really had a lot to process