[purpledaisy]

Oh, poop.

I woke up this morning with a headache (which is getting to be a normal thing), thinking, "Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my life? I'm supposed to feel grateful for each day, but when I wake up I think, 'Crap! Another day to live through?'"

Then I walked to the bathroom, took some Excedrin, and as I was about to walk out of the bathroom and back to my room to put an hour on my alarm and sleep some more (even though I'm not tired), this thought hit me for the first time ever --

What am I going to be doing 10 years from now? This same exact thing? I can't keep doing this for 10 years. I'm almost 47. In 10 years, I'll be almost 57. Will I still be wandering aimlessly through life, ignored by my son, with no close friends, with no one to love, wondering how I'll pay my bills, wondering why I'm on this earth, dreading each day?

Instead of putting an hour on my phone's alarm and going back to sleep, I put 15 minutes on the alarm and decided to lie in bed and pray my "thankfuls" to God. You know -- Pray and list all of the things I'm thankful for.

Sometimes it brings me out of the funk. Sometimes it makes me realize I really am lucky compared to others. Other times, it reminds me that my life really is pathetic. Sometimes I fall asleep again.

Like I said, in 10 years I will be about to turn 57.

My son will be 31 and will have been out on his own for 10 years.

My mom will be 85. Her mom lived to 91. My mom is currently a very active, healthy 75. The kind of 75-year-old that people do not believe is really that old. So I have no doubt she will live past 90 unless some kind of accident happens. I would say that she would live that long just to be mean and controlling to me, but we are getting along better than we ever have right now.

My house will be about 5 years from being paid for by then. I never thought I would be in this house for the entire 30-year mortgage time. We moved in when my son was a little boy. I thought I would spend a few years here, meet someone, get married, move to a bigger house, and have one or two more kids.

Will I still be getting jobs, keeping them for a little while, and then getting fired for stuff related to bipolar?

Will I still be going in and out of treatment/meds based on whether or not I have insurance through a job and can afford to pay for the meds and doctor visits if I'm out of insurance again?

Will I still be dreaming of "someday my business will take off and I'll be making a difference in people's lives and making decent money" but not pushing myself to take the steps that will get me on that path?

Will I still wake up dreading the day and wondering how I'll spend the hours until it's time to sleep again, then doing it all over again the next day?

Last night, after I got out of the movie, I sat in my car. Just sat there in the dark. I was thinking about how I have no place to be at any particular time, no one waiting for me, no one wondering where I was or how I was doing, all the freedom in the world to spend my time how I want to spend it yet I don't know what to do with it and feel like it has no meaning.

I'm so blah today. Forgive me for yet another whiney post.

[spoiltmom]

((HUGS)) Somedays I wonder the same thing. It seems I've felt the same way for years and I'm still waiting on that miracle that will make things change.

[Secretum]

I felt the same way for a long time. Now that I found meds that control my depression, I don't feel trapped anymore. I feel like my life can change in real and beautiful ways.

There is nothing more beautiful than hope.

Hold on to it. Demand more of your mental health treatment. Do what you can to get better, because then you will have the strength to build a better life.

[Clinte89]

I know things can seem bleak but you have to have hope things will get better. Stop trying to think into the future, I find thats damaging because you can only think in terms of right now. Im sure things will work out with you and Im sure your son will come around he is just out doing what us kids do, trying to make it on our own. (Im a major failure at this). But keep your head up purple, things will start looking up soon enough. And stop trying to figure out the future, that can only lead to depression.

[faerie_moon_x]

This may sound like a funny suggestion, but I suggest you read (not see the movie) read the book Fight Club. The central character is a man, but really it hits home on a lot of what you're talking about. About how you're not your job, or your house, or the money in your wallet. And what are we really doing here? A society of people just passing through life, having been promised that we're all special little snowflakes who can become anything. And how deeply unfulfulled so many people feel because the majority of people don't get what they are promised in life.

Anyway.... I suggest reading it.

You're not alone in feeling that way. I sit around wondering, "what the hell happened?" I was this super smart, creative person who was supposed to be a rocket straight into something awesom. Instead I'm a secretary for people who think I'm crap, with no place that is her own even in her own house.

I can say with 100% honesty you're son isn't ignoring you. He's just spreading his wings.

[purpledaisy]

Thanks for the comments and suggestions.

I just looked at the clock (seems like only a few minutes ago) and realized it was noon and I haven't accomplished anything. Not even getting dressed or brushing teeth.

Now I realize it is 12:46 p.m. and I am still sitting here, staring into space.

I'm about you're age. I feel all that too...just lost my relationsip forever..so especially the last part of what you said. I have a 20 year old that's been gone for years, but I have a 12 year oldwho desperately needs me. Thats my reason to keep going but with my mental health the way it is I fear what is to become of me. I miss having someone to wonder or care where I am.

[purpledaisy]

Originally Posted by kelly4519

I'm about you're age. I feel all that too...just lost my relationsip forever..so especially the last part of what you said. I have a 20 year old that's been gone for years, but I have a 12 year oldwho desperately needs me. Thats my reason to keep going but with my mental health the way it is I fear what is to become of me. I miss having someone to wonder or care where I am.

Exactly!

Sorry you have similar feelings.

I've always said that without my son, I had no reason to live. His father left before he was born, and we have been on our own for 21 years.

I never gave any thought to what my life would be like when he decided to move out. For all these years, it truly never crossed my mind.

Then a couple of months ago, he announced that he was ready to move out and planned to do it in two weeks. I freaked out and cried all the time.

Things kept falling through and he wasn't able to move out until recently. It will be two weeks tomorrow.

But suddenly I was hit with thinking, "What happened? I'm such a loser that I always thought SOMEDAY I'll find 'the one' and find my happily-ever-after, but it never happened in these entire 21 years. I've been someone's mom this whole time and I'm about to be all by myself. It's like I forgot to plan ahead and now I'll have a future filled with loneliness."

[bos314489]

I wonder the same things. I am divorced with no children and struggle with my depression. I havn't had anything near manic in over a decade so I hardly seem bipolar, but I am. I have had low paying jobs all my life and have never felt sucessful. I have few friends. I never feel like going out. I keep thinking gosh I don't want to always feel this way but nothing ever changes. I don't want to dread my job and life and getting up in the morning with no energy. I am only 41 and feel 80 already. By the time I am 50 I feel I will be in my grave from stress...

When you look at what you've really accomplished in your life, Purple Daisy, it's remarkable that you don't just sit for hours upon hours staring out into space! You've bought a home (by YOURSELF), reared a son (by YOURSELF), and have
set him free to live maturely. (He wouldn't be doing that, you know, unless you had
done your job as a mom very effectively. He learned some strong character traits
from you along the way.)

It's time for you to relax and let your little child within have some free time and
some time to play. Check out your talents and follow one of them along a route that is rewarding just for YOU. Give that child within the right to play and enjoy the
simple things.

You will adjust to your son's moving away. Chances are he'll be knocking on your
door one day to say "THANK YOU, MOM" for making me grow up and realize that I
had to do this on my own.

You are to be commended, Purple Daisy. You have done an admirable job of home ownership, having a son, rearing him alone, and having him achieve one level of
maturity at this point.

Keep the faith, Purple Daisy. You'll be fine; you've been too strong to grow weak
over your son's growing up.

Take care.

[Cocosurviving]

Everyone has giving good advice. Stay strong and faithful.

[purpledaisy]

Good news! I found the last RX for Wellbutrin that my pdoc had written for me a couple of months ago. It was in a jacket pocket. He wrote a few RXs in advance when I was there the last time, getting me ready to be able to refill between my last appointment with insurance and the next appointment coming up, which is my first without insurance.

Took it to Sam's Club. (We don't have Costco, so this is the closest I can get to something like that.)

Learned something interesting. Apparently the girl who quoted me prices there a couple of months ago was wrong, or maybe prices for these things fluctuate. I don't know. In any case, it was quite a bit cheaper than I expected.

A 30-day supply of Wellbutrin 100 SR (100 mg twice per day) was just $50.

Here is the interesting part that I learned today.

With Sam's Club's business membership (which costs a little more than my membership), my RX would have been 40% off.

I think she said the business membership is $100 per year.

I didn't stop to do the math and figure out if I should get the other membership. I have a card on my mom's membership so I couldn't very well upgrade a membership that doesn't belong to me, and I don't have a spare $100 right now.

But it's good to know.

Now I've got to get this back into my system after being without it for a couple of days.