I am planning the end of my life

I am just so sorry for your loss, and given your circumstances, Speed, can see where you are coming from! I can also see why you need some "numbing" right now, from the Ativan and Seroquel. Been there and done that! I hope you'll be careful with them, though. They are good for your purposes, but I know they can cause problems, as well. The best, Speed!

I use the Lamictal also, and find it helpful. I understand that not only is it a mood stabilizer, but that it has a mild antidepressant effect on some. Not for everyone, I know, but maybe worth considering. I know meds can make a lot of difference in some people's lives!

That would add to your problems, Speed! Hang in there. Try to distract yourself if you can with whatever would work for you, music, comedy, etc.

I have an intake appointment for intensive outpatient treatment on Monday.It is covered by my insurance, only 15 minutes away. The hours are 9:30 o 3:00 M-F. I hope I like it. It will get me out of the house. I don't know how long I will go.

Maybe they can help me find a therapist.

I took Lamictal a few years ago and got the dangerous rash, so I can't take it. I did think it helped me. This always happens to me I find a med that helps and then I get some really bad side effect and can't take it.

I hope the treatment goes well. I think it is good to get out of the house, even for appointments. Your house can become more of a prison than a house.

Speed3 i too am highly allergic. And insurance refuses to increase my medication of the name brand. Insurance wants me to take the generic brand...did i mention i am highly allergic...hives, rash, swelling, breathing problems...but what can you do? Tried for approval, no go. So i slush through my depression on good days and make plans to end things on bad days. Thank heavens for my T and Pdoc...they hold me together. May this new place help you find a therapist and help you with the medication.

Oh I'm so glad to hear you will go to the program. I hope you will find a good therapist

I'm so happy your able to do IOP I know most programs last 2+ months. If anything it's a bit of a distraction.

It's been a while, but checking in on you. No response needed if not desired, but I am thinking of you! Wanted you to know!

Let's put aside our diagnoses for a moment. I been diagnosed many things and called worse.

Let me take you back 29 years ago. I was 28, my son was 14. This was the year I will always remember because my world changed that year. In particular the day my boss called me in the office and I never in my life seen him look so bad. He told me there had been a accident and i am to meet my wife at the lake at a certain location. He wouldn't say any more. I know it was bad. I raced over there as fast as I could. As soon as I got to the lake at the location I was to meet my wife my world came to a end. I seen dozens of cop cars and firetrucks. I seen firefighters combing the lake in a human net. I seen boats and helicopters, I seen every local news station there. I can't tell you how I felt at the moment except that I felt numb and besides myself. I got out of my car started walking and seen my wife in the arms of a police officer crying as soon as she seen me she gave out a loud scream and ran towards me. No one had to say any thing to me. I didn't have to ask any questions. They would come later and become the end of our marriage.

Up until that time I was your normal typical drug using part time criminal, proud father and of course terrible husband. That day however every thing changed. I became very cynical, I dare say even evil. I cursed God and every one living and dead. Our 14 year old son died in a drowning accident in the lake. He was suppose to be fishing with his friends, but a hot summer day the boys decided to take a swim. He felt confident he had just learned how to swim and everyone told him what a great swimmer he was. There were people every where I later learned, no one came to his rescue as his friends screamed for help. One of them ran to the road and tried flagging cars down. One care finally stopped, got out and ran in to the lake to look for my son. It was too late. The current had taken him away and we would not find his body for another 2 days of hell.

Wanna talk depression, anger, loss, hopelessness, hate, you name it? I had it all and then some. My wife suggested we commit suicide and join our son. We had the drugs to easily OD. But I didn't go for it. I was too damn angry to commit suicide. I was angry at every one including my wife who let our 14 year old son go fishing at the lake with his friends. We split up just a couple of months after that. I blamed her. From there on I started a totally reckless life with absolutely no regard to my safety or the safety of others around me. I was stuck in that life style and state of mind for 2 years! Finally I some how got admitted to the hospital, I don't even remember or know how that happened but they kept me against my will and that is when I started getting treated.

Fast forward to the present. I been with the same woman for 17 years. We have two beautiful kids boy and girl twins age 9. I been fully functional and working full time for the past 17 years. I still have a lot of problems and issues. But I'm still here. I been diagnosed this and that and some of this and that.I still need meds to function. So I totally get thinking about suicide. Been there and done that. But what I don't get is why most people just give up to despair. Anger saved me. Even tho it took my on a reckless detour. I thought I lost every thing! I did! But I eventually got a new life, a second chance.

Here's what stopped me from suicide. It's so permanent and I am so not permanent. I'm always changing my mind. I have no idea what happens after death, but what ever it is, even if it's nothing, it's permanent. My son was stolen from me early in life, I live for him in his memory. I still get depressed for different reasons, I still feel like giving up some times. I still get angry and mood swings all over the place. Why I am not sure, but I keep going. I don't consider myself any thing special. If I can do it most any one can. Chose to live!

this broke my heart

it really did

I don't want to see you go

You were blessed to be young enough to have more children.

I am 57 and Jason was my only child. I will never even be a grandmother.

Sorry for your loss.

Speed - I'm glad to see you are back. Feel free to PM me and I'm sure I can find something for you to hold on to.
You have a purpose on this planet. God put you here for a reason

To you speed and Indievisible

You've just walked on ahead of me
And i've got to understand you must release the ones you love
And let go of their hand
You try and cope the best you can
But i'm missing you so much.
If i could only see you
And once more feel your touch,
Yes, you've just walked on ahaed of me
Don't worry i'll be fine
But now and then i swear i feel your hand slip into mine
God took him to his loving home
God saw him getting tired,
He wrapped him in his loving arms and whispered 'come with me'
He suffered much in silence his spirit did not bend
He faced his pain with courage, until the very end
He tried so hard to stay with us but his fight was not in vain
God took him to his loving home and freed him from his pain.

God bless you both xx
gismo xx