I am planning the end of my life

Aim for the shower, Speed. And hope everything is a little better tomorrow, if not a lot better.

I feel sure Father Chuck would want you back in his parish as soon as you're able to attend. I'm a little surprised he hasn't been by to see you, except that the accident may have slowed him down a bit, too.

Take care.

Have you considered how your husband will feel if you abandon him? He has lost a child too, and although your pain is enough to break any human it isn't the right decision to do what you are planning. Death will come for you in time, but instead of forcing it upon yourself why not use your life to help save others from pain? There are thousands of orphaned children in America, and although you may not want to adopt you could always volunteer with them, or volunteer in Africa. You WILL die at some point, and that thought can give you comfort, but you can't allow yourself to be defeated, not when you have the potential to do such great things.

Speed, can you go back into the hospital? They can medicate you, you can chat to a T and just numb your emotions for a while. But at least you are supervised. We are here for you. I'm also happy to Skype you if you want, just PM me details.
You've been through a lot - don't you dare give up now

Get a new psychiatrist right away. Contact your insurance company and explain
what has happened. Your chemistry is out of balance, without question, in my view.

Your husband is not over it, either. He is doing the best he can by getting out and
trying to go on with activities he once knew with you and your son. You need to
do the same thing.

Get into a project that is positive. You are overweight. Okay, get Dr. Williams' book Wheat Belly and start there. Change your diet; do something that works out some
of the extreme anger you have related to your son's death. Stop taking it out on
yourself, please.

If you believe that your son is in Heaven with God, then you must also believe that
God has a reason for you to live. It may be a while before that is revealed to you,
but I can think of several reasons for your life to continue:

1. Your husband has begged you not to commit suicide. He needs you.

2. Your life has so much to offer those who are struggling with drug addiction;
get into a group who are active in drug addiction and work with some of those who
are addicted to hard core drugs.

3. Get into a group therapy session if you can.

4. Or try doing some social service help work like caring for children who have been
removed by the courts from their homes and are in need of parenting until other
adoption opportunities are available. You may decide to adopt one before you've had the child for long.

5. Get over the idea that you are somehow responsible for your son's death. You
just are not; nobody has that much control over the life of another. Frankly, you
shouldn't even have control over your own life. You should let God guide you now
until He feels that you are able to stand on your own two feet as your son would
definitely want you to do.

6. Dubble Monkey has told you the truth; his death was an accident, Speed. You
must accept that and know that you have a mother's need to care for children.
You should be doing something to actively help a little child who needs your love
and care, but you've got to love yourself in order to love others.

7. You do love yourself; I know that and so do the others here. You are in the
throes of grief and you need to realize that it won't always be this poignant and
will ease in time so that you can be productive and helpful again.

We've told you again and again that it's one day at a time: one hour at a time if
necessary. Discard anything you have about attempted suicide. Just get it out
of your head and out of your sense of reality, please.

Keep in touch and take care of yourself well, Speed. Watch that diet, read that
book. Take that shower, and give your husband the kiss he wants and needs from
his wife. That will do for one day. Then, we talk about the day after. Okay?

Take care, Speed. I sound mean, but we all need to talk you into understanding
that what you're experiencing is grief; you don't need to even think about death.
We do care; you may believe that.

I hope you'll wait this out. 12mg Ativan / day sounds like way too much. Benzos can make you more depressed. It's very hard for me to watch you want to take your life, I care about you. You are grieving, I know I'd be planning the same if in your position. But please wait it out, you are not on the right meds in my opinion, and you still have things to do on this planet.

Please PLEASE PLEASE FIND A NEW Doctor! Find a therapist! Don't listen to the asshole therapist and go find someone.

June 1 is a bad day for my family. Five years ago my cousin died of a heart attack at age 34. He was my aunt's only child. And she was devestated. I don't have to tell you that. It ripped her to pieces and she's still grieving. Grieiving isn't short or over in a minute, it takes as long as it takes. I know the first year she could barely get out of bed some days.

She couldn't do Christmas things or Thanksgiving. Sometimes when we're all together she has to go in the other room for awhile because her son isn't there.

Try to find a support group for parents who've lost their children or some kind of place where you can grieve and just be sad and be angry and pissed off that life sucks and it's so unfair sometimes.

But please don't kill yourself.

Last January my ex Sister in law committed suicide. I don't know why. I don't know what pain she was in, but she killed herself. A month later her fiance killed himself.

I wasn't close to my ex sister in law but my life is not better because she 's dead. Her families lives aren't better. Her friends lives aren't better. They grieve and grapple and try to figure out what could they have said or done to stop it.

And I've been there. I wrote a letter, I took pills I knew that even though my family would be sad they would be better off without me. But I got taken to the ER and I got to see that I was WRONG. As much pain as I was in and as hopeless as it all seemed death was not better.

Do you have anyone who can be a medical advocate for you? Someone who can help you navigate the system, be there by your side while you make phone calls or make calls on your behalf?

This world is better with you in it. Even if you don't believe it. It is.

No I have no one. I tried to tell my husband yesterday how bad I was feeling and he just got mad.

The reality is I am so depressed now, I don't have the energy to end my life.
I guess I had a burst of energy yesterday and thought I could do it. I can't do anything right now. I feel stupid for writing this thread. I am sorry to everyone.
I am so alone. Thank you for all the advice and help.

great point on the benzos. Tapering back on the ativan might make you feel much better! I speak from experience! I do also know they are addicting, though, and it can be very difficult! The best!

In the beginning of December I started taper down the Ativan. I was doing great. I also got off seroquel. My husband and I started going back to the gym. I was feeling better.

Than on 1/3/13 our only child dies in our arms. Seroquel and Ativan are saving graces right now. I would be psychotic without them. I am so depressed leaving the house, dressing are impossible useless tasks. So much for plans!!!

My mom committed suicide when I was 22. I lived my adult life without a mom.
Now at 56 I lose my only child. How ever much life I have left will be without my beloved Jason. No grandchildren, my buddy Jason is gone. I am surprised I am breathing and writing this. I am sobbing beyond belief, it feels like there is a dagger in my heart. How do I go on ?????????

I don't think benzos prevent psychosis. And they ARE downers, hence negatively impact your mood. Probably hinder the natural grieving process too...

as for your husband... men are sometimes bad with emotions... it is likely that it's him, not you.

I agree with you that professionals are too guarding of benzos there is nothing wrong with needing to be switched off, sometimes it is surely the kindest thing. When the original sting has had time to settle start reintroducing life. I dreamed over and over they would do that for me and when they wouldn't obviously I turned to taking ODs I can't help but think if the had controlled me in a safe environment to reintroduce the reality slowly rather than forcing me to face it head on I believe there is a chance I could have handled it better rather than now having an OD maladaptive coping mechanism.

Although, no matter how hard we dream this there must be a reason that we need to suffer this pain in order to find a way to recover. It is very unfair and unjust to suffer as you have it's just down ride wrong.

******* TRIGGER QUESTION, IF YOU CAN PLEASE TRY AND ANSWER MAYBE JUST TO YOURSELF OR WITH US IF YOU FEEL ABLE. ****. trigger question***** before you read on intended to provoke you to think. So you can brace yourself or ignore if too soon.

If you were in heaven now as you so dearly wish... picture it.

but twist this reality around.....

Your son is back on earth wishing he were dead because thought of life without you was too much to bare. Now no yeah buts, this a no other option hypothetical..

You can see and hear every bit of his pain which exactly mirrors what your feeling now.

No need to say if you don't want to but how would you be feeling at seeing him not you him hurt so?...

Would you be screaming at him from heaven.. DO IT, COME JOIN ME.... Or would your reaction be to shout NOOOO LIVE. As we are all shouting at you in hope you hear NOOOO SPEED3 LIVE.

OUR WORDS ARE NOT REACHING YOU... SO I ASK YOU ANOTHER QUESTION:

You have the power in heaven to whisper one last thing to you grieving son that only his heart could hear and hold. It's your only chance to save him... What would you say to him??

There is no right or wrong answer to this, and i dont expect you to know to reply even.. i just ask swap places for just 5 mins try and find the words we can not give you... The deepest love you hold is for him. How would you comfort his pain, he is in your pain, would you tell him it's ok to die? I wish I knew what the right words to say to you were I hope this exercise helps you find the words you need to hear from yourself.