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#26
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no matter how much your H has engaged back with life, he still needs you to be around, if he didn't he would have walked away by now. you may think it is time to set him free, but he probably feels completely different. please talk to him about what you are planning before you decide what is right for him. the reason he gets mad is because he loves you, he probably is grieving for the woman you were and is feeling frustrated with himself for not being able to help you get well again.
believe me when i say you are not in control of when your life will end, you can try to end it, but if it is not your time you will survive and may have more things to deal with as a result. i know some one who tried to end their life by jumping under a train, all it did was chop off his legs, now he spends his waking hours sitting in a wheelchair watching his young sons playing football wishing he could join in and play with them. another tried tablets and now has trouble eating solid food... it is not worth it. when the time is right your end will come whether you help it or not so please try putting your little energy into living rather than dying. Last edited by yellowted; Mar 03, 2013 at 06:49 AM. |
![]() anneo59
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![]() anneo59, Speed3, unaluna
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#27
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No need to apologize, Speed. You're having the normal times of despair in grief. Give yourself time and continue to post as you wish.
We're all here pulling for you to get past this as you work your way through the snags. You're a very fine person and you will be calmer and safe as you continue to release the pain and anger. Thinking about you today and wishing you a good Sunday. Thought about trying to go to church yet? |
![]() anneo59
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![]() anneo59, Speed3
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#28
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Is anyone in the Philadelphia area ? I have tried to find a therapist over the last year and haven't had much luck. If someone could recommend someone it would help.
Genetic, Yes church that is another story. My pastor tripped on his robe at Jason's funeral. He had surgery on his leg the next day. He developed blood clots in his lungs. He has been in and out of the hospital. The parish is very small. We have to go to another church for now. I go because of Father Chuck. Also , I haven't even been able to get a shower. ![]()
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![]() JASON 8/17/1985 to 1/03/2013 I miss you sweetheart |
![]() anneo59, anonymous91213
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#29
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Aim for the shower, Speed. And hope everything is a little better tomorrow, if not a lot better.
I feel sure Father Chuck would want you back in his parish as soon as you're able to attend. I'm a little surprised he hasn't been by to see you, except that the accident may have slowed him down a bit, too. Take care. |
![]() anneo59
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#30
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Quote:
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![]() JASON 8/17/1985 to 1/03/2013 I miss you sweetheart |
![]() anneo59, anonymous8113
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#31
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Have you considered how your husband will feel if you abandon him? He has lost a child too, and although your pain is enough to break any human it isn't the right decision to do what you are planning. Death will come for you in time, but instead of forcing it upon yourself why not use your life to help save others from pain? There are thousands of orphaned children in America, and although you may not want to adopt you could always volunteer with them, or volunteer in Africa. You WILL die at some point, and that thought can give you comfort, but you can't allow yourself to be defeated, not when you have the potential to do such great things.
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![]() anneo59
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#32
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Quote:
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![]() JASON 8/17/1985 to 1/03/2013 I miss you sweetheart |
![]() anneo59, anonymous91213, faerie_moon_x
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#33
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You've got support here, so keep posting, Speed. I hope you get a good psychiatrist soon who will help considerably with current feeling tone. I hope you're working on that.
Take care. |
![]() anneo59, Speed3
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#34
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Speed, can you go back into the hospital? They can medicate you, you can chat to a T and just numb your emotions for a while. But at least you are supervised. We are here for you. I'm also happy to Skype you if you want, just PM me details.
You've been through a lot - don't you dare give up now
__________________
"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn |
![]() anneo59
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#35
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Saying things like snap out of, just go for a walk, you aren't depressed. It was 6:00 pm I slid into bed because I was so upset. I lost my only advocate. Yes I do want to go into the hospital. But my husband is not on board. I don't know what to do.
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![]() JASON 8/17/1985 to 1/03/2013 I miss you sweetheart |
![]() anneo59, anonymous91213, faerie_moon_x
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#36
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#37
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#38
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#39
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You need a new doctor. You need to report the hospital for their stupid reason to now allow you to go back. I don't know to who, but that's horrible. They don't want you because you complain? Maybe if they did a good job you wouldn't have to complain.
Grief is not over quick, and and everyone grieves different. Your husband is probably going back into the world to block out the grief. Men in our society are trained to block out their feelings, burry them in work and such things. He is probably really scared he will also lose you and he doesn't know what to do. So, I think that's why he is telling you to snap out of it. I think my husband does the same thing. He doesn't know what to do so he tries to tell me to get better. Please don't leave the world yet, okay? You are still needed here. And it isn't your fault what happened. ![]()
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![]() anneo59, Speed3
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#40
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#41
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Than on 1/3/13 our only child dies in our arms. Seroquel and Ativan are saving graces right now. I would be psychotic without them. I am so depressed leaving the house, dressing are impossible useless tasks. So much for plans!!! My mom committed suicide when I was 22. I lived my adult life without a mom. Now at 56 I lose my only child. How ever much life I have left will be without my beloved Jason. No grandchildren, my buddy Jason is gone. I am surprised I am breathing and writing this. I am sobbing beyond belief, it feels like there is a dagger in my heart. How do I go on ?????????
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![]() JASON 8/17/1985 to 1/03/2013 I miss you sweetheart |
![]() anonymous91213, hamster-bamster
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#42
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I don't think benzos prevent psychosis. And they ARE downers, hence negatively impact your mood. Probably hinder the natural grieving process too...
as for your husband... men are sometimes bad with emotions... it is likely that it's him, not you.
__________________
Glory to heroes!
HATEFREE CULTURE |
![]() anneo59
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#43
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I am so sorry for all your loss and pain
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![]() Speed3
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#44
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If you have some energy, please call your Doctor right away,don't put it off. He/she want's you to be safe and to feel like it makes a difference. warm thoughts. |
![]() roads
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![]() Speed3
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#45
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Mom, Jason ME.
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![]() JASON 8/17/1985 to 1/03/2013 I miss you sweetheart |
#46
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I agree with you that professionals are too guarding of benzos there is nothing wrong with needing to be switched off, sometimes it is surely the kindest thing. When the original sting has had time to settle start reintroducing life. I dreamed over and over they would do that for me and when they wouldn't obviously I turned to taking ODs I can't help but think if the had controlled me in a safe environment to reintroduce the reality slowly rather than forcing me to face it head on I believe there is a chance I could have handled it better rather than now having an OD maladaptive coping mechanism.
Although, no matter how hard we dream this there must be a reason that we need to suffer this pain in order to find a way to recover. It is very unfair and unjust to suffer as you have it's just down ride wrong. ******* TRIGGER QUESTION, IF YOU CAN PLEASE TRY AND ANSWER MAYBE JUST TO YOURSELF OR WITH US IF YOU FEEL ABLE. ****. trigger question***** before you read on intended to provoke you to think. So you can brace yourself or ignore if too soon. If you were in heaven now as you so dearly wish... picture it. but twist this reality around..... Your son is back on earth wishing he were dead because thought of life without you was too much to bare. Now no yeah buts, this a no other option hypothetical.. You can see and hear every bit of his pain which exactly mirrors what your feeling now. No need to say if you don't want to but how would you be feeling at seeing him not you him hurt so?... Would you be screaming at him from heaven.. DO IT, COME JOIN ME.... Or would your reaction be to shout NOOOO LIVE. As we are all shouting at you in hope you hear NOOOO SPEED3 LIVE. OUR WORDS ARE NOT REACHING YOU... SO I ASK YOU ANOTHER QUESTION: You have the power in heaven to whisper one last thing to you grieving son that only his heart could hear and hold. It's your only chance to save him... What would you say to him?? There is no right or wrong answer to this, and i dont expect you to know to reply even.. i just ask swap places for just 5 mins try and find the words we can not give you... The deepest love you hold is for him. How would you comfort his pain, he is in your pain, would you tell him it's ok to die? I wish I knew what the right words to say to you were I hope this exercise helps you find the words you need to hear from yourself.
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![]() MINEFIELD ![]() |
![]() lostincornflakes, Nessa213, Speed3
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#47
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Ever consider that maybe the only thing keeping your husband going is that he still has you, even though he may have an odd way of showing it? One life ended too soon is enough. Don't make it two or three.
Best wishes and good luck
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BIG changes on the horizon ![]() Hopin' it all goes well... Oxcarbazepine: 300mg 2x/day Fish Oil, Vitamin D3, Magnesium, Lipitor, BEta-Blocker |
![]() Speed3
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#48
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I understand your logic. When I was 22 and my Mom committed suicide. I was depressed but didn't think about suicide. Before Jason died, I was not doing well with the bipolar disorder. As I get older I have had less good times. I am 56 now and have been on disability for 18 years. I felt worthless and hopeless before Jason died. His death just pushed me more in the realm of wanting to die. He was only 27 with his whole life in front of him. If I could do anything I would ask god to take me not Jason. If things had been reversed I don't think Jason would have wanted to kill himself. Just like I didn't want to kill myself when my mom passed on. Thanks for caring ![]() Tomorrow night will be the third meeting of my group HEAR, Heroin Epidemic Action Reform. When I first had the idea I felt very passionate about it. I wasn't able to attend the second meeting because of depression. I hope I can make it tomorrow, right now the passion has dimmed.
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![]() JASON 8/17/1985 to 1/03/2013 I miss you sweetheart |
#49
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I read what you posted to someone here very recently. That was important. You gave good advice. You have a unique voice. This is all that has kept me going for a while. My advice would be to just wait it out. Once in a while the sun shines and it's a beautiful day and you say this is why I'm still here, I can enjoy this, this still feels good. It's not every day but wth we're old.
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![]() Speed3
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#50
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That is the beauty of hypotheticals, with no yeah buts you can't add bits in like your own experience - You answered with a big 'yeah but' then spoke to god not your son so technically you still have not completed the exercise. ';0) but its encouraging to hear you got my point regardless.
I'm really glad to hear you are planning to get out tomorrow, that is a good first step forward. I joined a choir to give me the chance to get out, I don't always make it there but when I do find the strength I always come away feeling glad I made it. The hardest part is always leaving the flat. I'm gonna be keeping my fingers crossed for you that you make it xxx
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