[C.Oliver]

Hello, I am Chanda and I have Bipolar II, PTSD, OCD, Severe Anxiety, Anorexia, migraines, sleep disorder, Fibromyalgia and arthritis in my back that puts me in a wheelchair part time. Basically I am a mess. Not to mention my horrible insurance and finances...

I take
Lamictal (bp)
Abilify (bp)
Neurontin (fibro)
Topamax (migraine)
Ativan (sleep)
minipress (nightmares)
mobic (back)
Tramadol as needed (back)
Baclofen as needed (back)
Lidocaine patch as needed (back)
Sprix as needed (migraine)
Frova as needed (migraine)

Geeze that is a lot of meds once I list it out like that. And I used to be TERRIFIED of meds!

Basically I am stuck in a terminal depression that goes from bad to really bad. My psychiatrist wants me to up my Lamictal but that is the one drug that I am really scared of for some reason. I also just have a feeling that it is not going to help to go up 25 mg in that. I sort of feel 'what's the use?'...

I am sure I am a huge drain on my husband even though I try and hide it from him and everyone else as best as I can. But when I am alone those horrible thoughts come and I am sucked down the drain with a heavy wet sweater on and I can't climb my way out. The OCD doesn't help.

My poor therapist, I feel like such a huge disappointment to her. She can't seem to fix me. I keep failing at controlling my thoughts or doing anything she asks me to do even though I try so hard.

I just feel like I am an unfixable mess...
C and Oliver (My Service Dog)

[~Christina]

Welcome Chanda,

I am sorry you have some much on your plate that's its overflowing You have come to a great place to find support , friendship and options in treatment.

Seems a large amount of us (myself included) struggle with numerous problems.

Glad to have you here

[hamster-bamster]

If you take Topamax for migraines, and Topamax can lead to weight loss and reduction in appetite, how do you then deal with anorexia? Or does Topamax not affect you in that way?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by C.Oliver

My poor therapist, I feel like such a huge disappointment to her. She can't seem to fix me. I keep failing at controlling my thoughts or doing anything she asks me to do even though I try so hard.

You should definitely not feel this way at all. Feeling this way does not accomplish anything productively. I am certain that your therapist is not in a wheelchair part-time. If anybody here can be called "poor", it is you, not her.

You have no obligation to please her. Nor do you have an obligation to succeed in doing whatever it is that she wants you to do. You have hired her to help you - you have absolutely no duties to her other than to be honest with her.

It is in general very hard to control one's thoughts, so no wonder you fail at it.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by C.Oliver

Hello, I am Chanda and I have Bipolar II, PTSD, OCD, Severe Anxiety, Anorexia, migraines, sleep disorder, Fibromyalgia and arthritis in my back that puts me in a wheelchair part time. Basically I am a mess. Not to mention my horrible insurance and finances...

I take
Lamictal (bp)
Abilify (bp)
Neurontin (fibro)
Topamax (migraine)
Ativan (sleep)
minipress (nightmares)
mobic (back)
Tramadol as needed (back)
Baclofen as needed (back)
Lidocaine patch as needed (back)
Sprix as needed (migraine)
Frova as needed (migraine)

Geeze that is a lot of meds once I list it out like that. And I used to be TERRIFIED of meds!

Basically I am stuck in a terminal depression that goes from bad to really bad. My psychiatrist wants me to up my Lamictal but that is the one drug that I am really scared of for some reason. I also just have a feeling that it is not going to help to go up 25 mg in that. I sort of feel 'what's the use?'...

Lamictal is one of the more benign drugs. It can lead to a lethal skin reaction, but since you have not yet developed it, you are now safe. You cannot predict whether upping it by 25 mg would help, but it is OK to try, as long as you are supervised by a p-doc (psychiatrist) and monitor your reactions yourself. I do not think that you fear of Lamictal is reasonable.

Lamictal helps a lot of people and has one of the safest side effect profiles.

Originally Posted by C.Oliver

My poor therapist, I feel like such a huge disappointment to her. She can't seem to fix me. I keep failing at controlling my thoughts or doing anything she asks me to do even though I try so hard.

I just feel like I am an unfixable mess...
C and Oliver (My Service Dog)

If you think that she should be able to fix it, you can just safely stop thinking it.

If she somehow thinks that she should be able to fix you, then she is being arrogant/delusional because you have a long list of objective problems that cannot all be fixed. She does not have the power to do that.

She should have some reasonable set of goals for you. Something that is attainable and that does not make you feel like a failure.

[BlueInanna]

Hi and welcome, I'm so sorry everything you're struggling with

[C.Oliver]

Well, I am still stuck in anorexia so I actually like that affect that topamax has if it has any affect at all ( haven't noticed specifically). It might just be counteracting any weight gaining meds I am on which is fine with me. I know that is bad but I feel that I am terrified of gaining any weight from meds. The topamax also works really well to keep most migraines at bay so I really need it. I started with a 10 year straight migraine and have gone down to 2 a month so I love the drug for that reason.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

If you take Topamax for migraines, and Topamax can lead to weight loss and reduction in appetite, how do you then deal with anorexia? Or does Topamax not affect you in that way?

[C.Oliver]

I will definitely seriously consider going up on the Lamictal. Big Sigh...

I have heard people say things like that to me about my therapist before. I think that I think of her more like my mom than I should. She is just the most wonderful person. I have had real attachment issues with her. Which I think then plays into the disappointment game. I just don't want her to give up on me. I have been with her for like 6 years now and in my mind I haven't gotten better even though she sometimes points out how I HAVE gotten better. I still just don't believe it or something or feel like I haven't done enough. Maybe THAT is something I need to work on in therapy!

She really wants me working on my OCD thinking. I have an obsession with counting white cars right now and she wants me to be working on getting rid of that and she says that only I can change my brain and my way of thinking. That is a tough one... I feel like i am going to fail.

Thanks guys,
C. and Oliver (my Service Dog)

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Lamictal is one of the more benign drugs. It can lead to a lethal skin reaction, but since you have not yet developed it, you are now safe. You cannot predict whether upping it by 25 mg would help, but it is OK to try, as long as you are supervised by a p-doc (psychiatrist) and monitor your reactions yourself. I do not think that you fear of Lamictal is reasonable.

Lamictal helps a lot of people and has one of the safest side effect profiles.


If you think that she should be able to fix it, you can just safely stop thinking it.

If she somehow thinks that she should be able to fix you, then she is being arrogant/delusional because you have a long list of objective problems that cannot all be fixed. She does not have the power to do that.

She should have some reasonable set of goals for you. Something that is attainable and that does not make you feel like a failure.

[ultramar]

I feel like such a huge disappointment to her.

As you probably know on some level -because you phrased it this way- this is how you feel she feels, I suspect she didn't actually say this to you? Maybe you can talk to her about your progress, what you'd like to work on and different ways she can help you accomplish what you need. Also, telling her you're afraid she's disappointed in you and talking about that may help take that load off of your shoulders.

She can't seem to fix me

Again, this seems to be how you see it, not something she said, right? Maybe you could talk to her about these feelings and ask her what she thinks.

Maybe instead of thinking of the process as fixing you (as if you were broken) you could think of it as improving your mood, how you feel about yourself, etc. You have a lot on your plate -baby steps and keeping in mind that we all fall back sometimes, it's not a straight line forward.

Also, it's not our therapists' role to 'fix' us. You're on a journey together (that's how I think of it) and hopefully both of you can work together to get to where you need to be.

I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place right now. No doubt your physical problems contribute to your depression, it has to be awful to suffer from such crippling chronic pain! I hope you find a combination of meds that can help you pull out of this and that therapy will help you as well.

Best wishes,
ultramar

[nanettetron]

Dear C.Oliver:

I am also bipolar, sometimes I believe I am an ambarrassment to my family because of it. I do not have many friends. I am happy and peaceful though.
I pray and believe in God, just, moral and what is right. Try to do good.
I take invega and try to keep to myself. I hears some people are scared of
people with bipolar disorders.

Maybe you can try taking up a hobby like writing poems . Keeping a journal or
collecting stamps. That is what I do and I enjoy that.

God did not make no mistakes and He wants you to have a happy peaceful
happy healthy life.

Glad you joined the group you will find the support you need here.

Best wishes and good luck from the heart .

Best Wishes,

Nanette T.

Standard dosage for Lamictal is 100 mg., 1 daily, so you're not at a level at 25 mg
that is going to make big changes. However! At 50 to 75 mg you will notice better,
stable feeling tone.

I hope you enjoy Lamictal; it's one of the best of the relatively new medications out there, in my view.

Please take care and feel better soon. Glad to have you onboard.

[C.Oliver]

Yes, you are so right about all of this and I have in the past talked to her about it but my OCD brings it up in my head again and again as if the conversations didn't even take place. I swear this has been happening for years over and over. The conversations take place and then I am right back to feeling like a disappointment. I have no idea why I do this??? It is so lame!

But you are right, I will try again.

I am at 75mg of Lamictal and both of my pdocs (long story as to why I have two) want me to go up to 100mg. I am just too chicken for some reason. I have this delusion (as I will now call it) that something bad is going to happen if I go up. I also have a 'delusion' that I MUST be on the real thing and not the generic or something bad will happen so I arranged a little thing with my insurance to get the real one for cheaper(long story). I am just freaked out by this drug!

Luckily I do have a 'hobbie' or an obsession and that is riding my terribly expensive horse that we can in no way afford. My husband surprised me with him for my wedding present knowing that I trained horses for a living for a long time but had stopped because of an injury that had since healed. My husband had no idea what he was in for and we have been stuck with the expense of a horse ever since (12 years now) I LOVE my horse but it is a huge money drain on people who have none... But great exercise and great for my back it is the only thing that helps loosen it!

Thank you all for responding to me. I really appreciate it.

C and Oliver (my Service Dog)

Originally Posted by ultramar

I feel like such a huge disappointment to her.

As you probably know on some level -because you phrased it this way- this is how you feel she feels, I suspect she didn't actually say this to you? Maybe you can talk to her about your progress, what you'd like to work on and different ways she can help you accomplish what you need. Also, telling her you're afraid she's disappointed in you and talking about that may help take that load off of your shoulders.

She can't seem to fix me

Again, this seems to be how you see it, not something she said, right? Maybe you could talk to her about these feelings and ask her what she thinks.

Maybe instead of thinking of the process as fixing you (as if you were broken) you could think of it as improving your mood, how you feel about yourself, etc. You have a lot on your plate -baby steps and keeping in mind that we all fall back sometimes, it's not a straight line forward.

Also, it's not our therapists' role to 'fix' us. You're on a journey together (that's how I think of it) and hopefully both of you can work together to get to where you need to be.

I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place right now. No doubt your physical problems contribute to your depression, it has to be awful to suffer from such crippling chronic pain! I hope you find a combination of meds that can help you pull out of this and that therapy will help you as well.

Best wishes,
ultramar

[Currentlyjenn]

Like someone above said ^^ don't be afraid of Lamictal. I've been on it since I was diagnosed with bipolar NOS and I've experienced no side effects. I'm on 300 mg. However, nothing seems to be working for me right now. But don't let that discourage you. Lamictal really isn't scary.

I hear you on the therapist bit, I feel like my therapist just doesn't know what to do with me because I'm such a mess. I feel the same way about my psychiatrist. Just try to remember that they are there to help you. It's their job and they care. They wouldn't be in the profession if they didn't.

Good luck!

[~Christina]

Just a thought ... I know with your numerous pain conditions you need the medications , but they are all depressants, so that could also be keeping you down in mood.

Also so .. Here is my thing about a therapist .. You need to work on one piece of the problem at a time , sort of like a jumbled mess of christmas lights , One strand is used to start to un jumble them.

Anyway just a few thoughts I had for you

[C.Oliver]

OK, I will seriously seriously think about going up on the Lamictal. Once I get it in my mind that I can do it then maybe I can. Once I get through my next set of packs maybe I can get the 50's and then it will be easier than popping out the 25's (I am on the dissolvable ones)...

I know what you mean about being a big old mess. Maybe I do need to just work on one strand at a time. I don't even know where to begin. Maybe with trust. I STILL don't trust even after 6 years of therapy. I STILL think she is going to abandon me. I STILL don't trust anyone, not even my husband and I have been with him for 14 years. PTSD talking here... I don't trust him but I can't stand being away from him even for a few minutes. As I sit here he is in a different house and I am alone and panicking. I don't know how to work on being alone. I FREAK!

Most of my pain meds I only take when I need them which isn't as often as I should be taking them. I have been very careful about only taking them when I am in extreme pain so that I am not taking them all the time. I rely on my Lidocaine patch a lot which works 'ok'. Unfortunately I have to drive a lot so I can't take a lot of the pain and muscle relaxers that I should be taking... So I just die in pain and THAT is a depressant. Uggggggg. I need to just be shut up in my room where I feel safe and be on my pain meds so I don't feel pain. Did I mention I am agoraphobic and am always forced out of my safe place?

I am going to go freak out now....

C and Oliver (my Service Dog)

[ultramar]

Hi C.Oliver,

In re-reading this thread it's really struck me how often you seem to describe your feelings and behaviors in terms of diagnoses or other mental health labels. Rather than describing how you feel in terms of your own unique self.

but my OCD brings it up in my head again and again as if the conversations didn't even take place
I also have a 'delusion' that I MUST be on the real thing and not the generic or something bad will happen
Luckily I do have a 'hobbie' or an obsession and that is riding
PTSD talking here

Maybe this has come about because you've been diagnosed/labeled with so many things. But where's the just "you" in all of this, the C.Oliver who thinks and feels as she does because she is who she is, someone struggling with a lot of things, but is far more, and more valuable, than all these pathologies?

Just something to chew on and I hope you get onto a more even keel soon!

[C.Oliver]

Yes, I do do this. I am not sure why. I would guess it is to make myself sound less crazy by giving a descriptor of why I behave the way I behave.

I guess I am embarrassed that I don't trust a soul on this earth or that I can't be left alone for even 5 minutes or that I live in my bedroom and feel like I can't leave the house and so on, I could go on for hours how messed up I am... I mean come on, who is like this. It just makes me what to cry how messed up I am.

I guess if I have a label to put on it, people will know that it 'comes' from somewhere and that it isn't just me being weird.

This is just what came to my head early in the morning as I am getting ready for my husband to leave to go out of town which I REALLY hate. I know that I will be freaking out all day and will not know what to do with myself which gets dangerous.

Are there any chats or anything today or this evening that anyone knows about. I get so scared being alone...

C. Oliver (my Service Dog)

Originally Posted by ultramar

Hi C.Oliver,

In re-reading this thread it's really struck me how often you seem to describe your feelings and behaviors in terms of diagnoses or other mental health labels. Rather than describing how you feel in terms of your own unique self.

but my OCD brings it up in my head again and again as if the conversations didn't even take place
I also have a 'delusion' that I MUST be on the real thing and not the generic or something bad will happen
Luckily I do have a 'hobbie' or an obsession and that is riding
PTSD talking here

Maybe this has come about because you've been diagnosed/labeled with so many things. But where's the just "you" in all of this, the C.Oliver who thinks and feels as she does because she is who she is, someone struggling with a lot of things, but is far more, and more valuable, than all these pathologies?

Just something to chew on and I hope you get onto a more even keel soon!