How are things today, Speed? Able to go outside even just in the yard
at home?

Been saying prayers like everyone else for your relief from the intense grief.

Keep us posted, please, on how you are getting along.

[Melmo]

Originally Posted by genetic

How are things today, Speed? Able to go outside even just in the yard
at home?

Been saying prayers like everyone else for your relief from the intense grief.

Keep us posted, please, on how you are getting along.

I have been thinking about her a lot aswell. I havn't heard from her since yesterday, so hopefully we will get an update soon.

[Nessa213]

I have also been thinking about you, Speed.

I hope we hear from you soon.

[Speed3]

Wow thanks for the concern,

I am just ok. I have been having bad episodes every afternoon where I feel extremely suicidal.

I have been trying to get the straight scope on the Psyc unit I always go to,
I called the benefits person at my Husband's work to look into if I am allowed there. I got on the waiting list for Hopkins but they want 5000 up front.

My extreme anxiety still has me housebound. I just have my cats and the dog to talk too.

I am worried about Easter, even though Jason was an
adult I always made him a basket of his favorite candy.

I loved, love him so much.

Yes, we all know, Speed, how it is in the first stages of grief. You're getting stronger for certain, and I'm so glad you took the time to respond.

Keep in touch so we'll know you're improving and trying--that's important.

[faerie_moon_x]

Maybe just make him a basket still anyway.

Like, putting flowers on the grave. The flowers are just there but, it's showing you still love the person the grave remembers. Right?

maybe make a memory basket for Easter.

I think giving up things and traditions isn't necessariliy the thing to do. Instead turn them into memory celebrations.

Just an idea.

[BlueInanna]

That is a sweet idea to make a basket for him, if you have the energy. What about make his dog an Easter basket with doggie treats and a new doggie toy? I think Jason would like that
thanks for reminding me it's easter, by the way. i hope i can find the baskets in my messy garage. i usually love Easter, but not feeling so good, so i may have to fake it a bit this year. plus it's come so early this year, i like it when it's later and nicer weather.
And thanks for checking in Leslie, you are very very loved here

Speed, I don't know if we're permitted to do this or not, but I'm going to try in an
effort to provide you with a daily devotional that might be helpful each morning. Try
this site:

In Touch Daily Devotional

I hope it helps explain some things hard to accept right now. It may help to strengthen you more, too.

Keep in touch.

[Victoria'smom]

Speed, I'm so happy you answered. I really think you should still make the basket. Fill it with thing Jason, you & your husband likes. Get your pets a snack/toy and put it there too.

[bluemountains]

Thank you for checking in and letting us know how you are doing, Speed. I am a praying person and you are in my prayers.
Genetic, thank you for starting the thread so that we can all let Speed know that she is in our hearts!
Bluemountains

[Speed3]

Thanks for all the advice.

I am going to make a basket for Jason. I am also making baskets for my friend Angela's 5 children ages 18,17,15,13 and 11.

So I will have to push myself to go out today, to get all the stuff.

Look below at my husbands memorial tattoo. I am going to try to get one on Saturday. It will be on my wrist, a Celtic eternity symbol, I think colored in with Jason's name.

Genetic the daily devotional was helpful.

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by Speed3

Thanks for all the advice.

I am going to make a basket for Jason. I am also making baskets for my friend Angela's 5 children ages 18,17,15,13 and 11.

So I will have to push myself to go out today, to get all the stuff.

Look below at my husbands memorial tattoo. I am going to try to get one on Saturday. It will be on my wrist, a Celtic eternity symbol, I think colored in with Jason's name.

Genetic the daily devotional was helpful.

glad to hear all that, Speed. As you can see, many of us have you on our hearts! The best!

Good, Speed. Sometimes they are more meaningful than at other times, but they do
leave us with a better feeling tone for starting the day, I think.

So-oo-o glad you're going out to get supplies for the Easter Baskets. Very good sign, Speed.

Good to hear from you; keep working at healing.

And keep in touch.

[faerie_moon_x]

I'm glad you're going to make the baskets. Doing something positive is good for your spirit.



I'm glad you're finding some things that help even just a tiny bit. The tattoo is a good idea. Something special.

[Speed3]

Best laid plans of mice and men.

I can't plan anything, I know this.

It is 2:15 pm I am in the midst of my daily attack of extreme anxiety, thinking about overdosing, asking god over and over what he wanted me to see by taking my lovely son, by taking my Mom when I was 22, by taking my very healthy dad by getting a very rare muscle sarcoma and dying in 6 months.

In the morning I have to take 50 mg of seroquel to avoid a morning meltdown.This puts me to sleep.

I wanted to go out and get Easter stuff.But I had to take a shower. I did, now I am shaking all over wanting to die. I had to take more seroquel. Now I can't drive.
Even if I could everything seems stupid and useless just like me.

Is god telling me it is my time now. I am a useless piece of sh.....t.

[Speed3]

To top it off. The benefits person at my husband's work told me there is no way the Psyc unit can deny my admission. So why the hell did my PDOC tell me they don't want me on the unit and he can't admit me. He tells me this right after my son dies and I have been going there for 12 years always thinking they liked me and it was a place of refuge when I needed it.

What a cruel son of a *****.

The anger is good to get up and out, Speed. I'd ask my husband to help me with
the hospital admission thing; he'll let them know what is legal and not legal there.
But let's get Easter going for you this weekend, Please, Speed.

Please try to make yourself go purchase the things for the baskets. You have no idea how much all those children will appreciate it and it will help you,too. Just wait and see, Speed. If you absolutely can't make it, give your husband a list and ask him to get the things and bring them back to you; you can work at home to make beautiful ones. (I never could do it well.)

God isn't trying to make life difficult for you, Speed. You are loved by Him more than you can even imagine, and your son is in His greatest care. He wants you to have
a life that is comfortable, peaceful, and blessed. Please believe that all things work for good for those who believe in God, even though we can never see them when we are grieving.

The flooding of emotions is also necessary, though it's painful now. They will grow less severe each day. You have no idea how much better you are now than you were the day of Jason's death, Speed.

This world is just not in a perfect state for any of us, and we've all had or are going to get our share of pain and sorrow, I feel. For me, there will be more to come one day, but there's nothing we can do about the past, and we have no idea what the future holds. All that we have is today; let's make it good for someone in our lives. You have an opportunity to make it lovely for 5 youngsters. Please use your skills.

Your efforts for Easter are the beginning of building new relationships. Those children will never forget you for those gifts and they will often speak to you of your thoughtfulness in years to come. Please build your life anew; it will be good, in time,
and we so want you to make the effort now for Easter. It's the beginning of new
life, Speed, for you, your husband, and will please your son very much.

You know that his spirit is with you and always will be.

Now, take that shower tomorrow A.M. and go get those basket things, please. Let
that occupy your mind and let your husband worry about the hospital next week after Easter is behind us.

Hopefully, the daily devotional will have something of benefit for you tomrrow A.M.

Take care and keep in touch, please. We worry when we don't hear from you each
day right now during the holiday coming up and days ahead.

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by genetic

The anger is good to get up and out, Speed. I'd ask my husband to help me with
the hospital admission thing; he'll let them know what is legal and not legal there.
But let's get Easter going for you this weekend, Please, Speed.

Please try to make yourself go purchase the things for the baskets. You have no idea how much all those children will appreciate it and it will help you,too. Just wait and see, Speed. If you absolutely can't make it, give your husband a list and ask him to get the things and bring them back to you; you can work at home to make beautiful ones. (I never could do it well.)

God isn't trying to make life difficult for you, Speed. You are loved by Him more than you can even imagine, and your son is in His greatest care. He wants you to have
a life that is comfortable, peaceful, and blessed. Please believe that all things work for good for those who believe in God, even though we can never see them when we are grieving.

The flooding of emotions is also necessary, though it's painful now. They will grow less severe each day. You have no idea how much better you are now than you were the day of Jason's death, Speed.

This world is just not in a perfect state for any of us, and we've all had or are going to get our share of pain and sorrow, I feel. For me, there will be more to come one day, but there's nothing we can do about the past, and we have no idea what the future holds. All that we have is today; let's make it good for someone in our lives. You have an opportunity to make it lovely for 5 youngsters. Please use your skills.

Your efforts for Easter are the beginning of building new relationships. Those children will never forget you for those gifts and they will often speak to you of your thoughtfulness in years to come. Please build your life anew; it will be good, in time,
and we so want you to make the effort now for Easter. It's the beginning of new
life, Speed, for you, your husband, and will please your son very much.

You know that his spirit is with you and always will be.

Now, take that shower tomorrow A.M. and go get those basket things, please. Let
that occupy your mind and let your husband worry about the hospital next week after Easter is behind us.

Hopefully, the daily devotional will have something of benefit for you tomrrow A.M.

Take care and keep in touch, please. We worry when we don't hear from you each
day right now during the holiday coming up and days ahead.

I already had my shower it added to the anxiety, I can't drive now, I had to take the seroquel and Ativan, to help with the suicidal thoughts.

Maybe my husband can get the stuff.
I have been dealing with these issues long before Jason died. That is why I had 11 ketamine treatments this past fall.

I am not a good person. That is why I must suffer.

Well, we believe everyone is a good person, Speed. It is the condition of being human that causes us to make mistakes. We need a spiritual life, Speed, in my view, and you've an opportunity now to turn things over to God and let your mind rest knowing that you will be taken care of.

You are a good person; I don't think any of us have any opinions otherwise.

Be calm now and think that love is coming your way in blessings that you may never have really known before.

Remember to keep in touch, please.

[faerie_moon_x]

You're wrong, Speed. You're a wonderful person. To even consider making baskets for other children when you're in such grief is a testament to that. I'm happy you joined the board. I think that if there was any divine intervention going on here, it was that you joined the board right before this happened. So that we could be here and keep you safe for now as best we can, even though we are strangers over the internet.

Ask your husband to get the things for the baskets if he will.

Also, I have thought before that your pdoc has taken a turn for the worst for some reason. He is a toxic sore in your side right now. You really don't need him being a jackass but he is. See if you can get admission to the hospital from another source. You need it now, and it's evident that your pdoc needs to be reported for malpractice. It's terrible!

It's Sunday here, Speed. How are you this morning?

[Speed3]

Speed3. Has stepped of the world for awhile. Zoom Zoom

Originally Posted by Speed3

Speed3. Has stepped of the world for awhile. Zoom Zoom

___________________________________

Okay. Let us know when you're ready to come back. Take care of yourself, Speed.

[Speed3]

I was looking out my big bow window. I saw this hawk making these incredible maneuvers. I looked away then back again. Jason was standing in the front yard. It was all a bad dream, that is thinking he had died and left me. I ran out and he took my hand and kissed me on the cheek. We got into Speed3 and we are zooming around just like old times.

Leslie is just fine now.

thank you for asking

Well, keep in touch just in case you need to talk. We're here to listen, Speed, and
do care about your wellness.

These posts may be almost like keeping a journal. You might wish to go back and
look at them to see how you gauge your feeling tone.

Take care.