[BipolaRNurse]

Long story short, I'm finally going back to work after being out on medical leave of absence for almost 3 weeks. We have had some very challenging times at my assisted living facility over the past few months, and the stress of it finally sent me over the edge into what ladies of a certain vintage used to call a "nervous breakdown".

IOW, I freaked out. Badly. Anxiety attacks so severe that I was eating Ativan tablets like Skittles. I could barely function. Couldn't sit still, couldn't focus, couldn't find my arse with both hands and a traffic cop directing signals. I've had anxiety attacks before, but these were the worst I've ever had in my life. I hid it pretty well from my boss and the staff, mainly due to my inability to be found most of the time (spent a lot of it walking around outside or huddled in the bathroom). Bottom line, I went to my pdoc the Friday after this horrible week and he gave me the choice of either taking time off NOW or going inpatient.

I've settled down now and am pretty much ready to go back (thank you Klonopin and the 2 1/2 weeks enforced 'vacation'). Today I had my follow-up appointment and got my release to return to work, with a few accommodations for my bipolar disorder and anxiety (although he didn't give me an additional dx since he thinks the anxiety is a part of the BP). Of course, now my company will know the whole truth about my illness, and my fear is that they'll somehow use it against me in the future.

Needless to say, this is frightening because I'm almost 55 years old, the economy still stinks, and nobody seems to like hiring older workers, especially not in the nursing profession. It's because our experience forces employers to pay more and we tend to be less physically able to handle the stresses of nursing. Then you throw a mental health problem into the mix, and what you have is a chronically unemployed nurse.

Disability isn't an option; I'm simply not THAT bad off, and I agree with my pdoc that staying home ruminating would only make things worse, not better. But up until recently, I've been quite successful despite having BP, mainly because no one knew about it. I've never made a huge secret of my diagnosis, but only my immediate supervisor and a handful of other managers knew for sure; now everyone in the company hierarchy will know. I can explain away the sudden departure on 'vacation' to my staff and residents (I wasn't feeling well and took some time off to get better---they don't need to know what sort of illness befell me). But here I am, known in my community as a vocal advocate for the mentally ill....and yet I'm ashamed to admit to my superiors that I'm bipolar.

Work is integral to my sense of self; nursing isn't just what I do to pay the bills, it's a huge part of who I am. And I'm afraid of losing that part of me before I'm ready to hang up my stethoscope for good.

If you made it this far through my whiiiiiine, thanks for reading.

[Victoria'smom]

If you do lose your job can you do county homeh health aid? It's less stressful but pays less.

[Chupacabra]

Have you thought of trying to switch to home care or hospice? Potentially less stressful... Less caseload, flexibility with your day to day, etc. I haven't done either so I don't have any experience with it, but it seems like it could less stressful than an ALF. And (around here at least) they always need staffed.

Sorry you're having a rough time. I know how hard it can be with this illness in our profession. Sending hugs out into the universe to you! <3

[Trippin2.0]

I'm only 28 but working as stressful as it is, is very important to me. Its a part of who I am, being unemployed drove me nuts, so even though I have yet to choose an actual career path, I do so understand why nursing is important to you

Yes you're scared about them knowing, that's natural. But maybe it will turn into a positive with your reputation as a MH advocate. Maybe they'll even think twice about picking on you, because of your MH advocating reputation....I sure hope so

And if for some reason it doesn't work out, homebased care should be an option no?

Breath, don't work yourself up into a frenzy, because the truth is, you simply cannot and do not know beforehand that this is neccessarily a bad thing

[BlueInanna]

I love your imagery!! Ativan as skittles, lol I almost yelled at my pdoc years ago - what are these sugar pills??!! She said ok we're going to try something called klonopin instead haha.

You're not through yet, you've got a lot of kutzpah lady. I'm so sorry you had the breakdown (I had one too not too long ago). But hopefully this short mandatory vacay gave you time to decompress and get back in the game. Keep on keepin on

[Cocosurviving]

I do not believe its protocol for upper management to be noticed. I understand certain people in HR. Does your company have a accommodations specialist or dept?

I have a friend (bp 2) that is a LPN. She just started a job as a private duty nurse. Her previous job in a hospital setting was too much for her to handle.
I'm pulling for you.

[james70]

it takes alot of guts to do and what u did..i have friends in that field and know they would be lost as well...but hang in there...hope u do weell good luck to you and i will pray for u!!!!

[captain1]

Hi BP Nurse. "Ladies of a cerrtain vintage" I love it. I'm a man that's "expirienced and softened". HaHa Work? Work s*cks. I had problems and just walked out when I was depressed with a "flu". I'm sure they knew. I could go from 90 miles an hour manic to staring at the floor barely moving. Nothing was said. I think they felt sorry for me or were being polite. So sometimes I didn't come out of it after a couple of days. Then I'd quit because they were getting ready to fire me and I knew it wasn't their fault. I didn't feel I should collect unemployment. Then I sometimes had my butt plastered to the couch for weeks. It was very hard on my wife, I could say a word or two all day, and that was a slow painful downward spiral to divorce. So I'm on SSDI now. It bothers me not working. But no employer in a small woodshop can put up with too many absenses. There's no one else to fill in. If I could work for myself or work where I could come and go, well that would probably be O.K.. I don't have the patience and self-esteem to start a buisiness. So I guess here I am. I live off much less than before. I see things I want. Cable and a T.V. without a tube for one. I worry about money for braces and college for my kids. I guess they're on their own. This wasn't quite the dream I had at sixteen. If you can work do it. Forgive your self for the bad days and remember even the celebrities F8ck up. hahahaha

[BipolaRNurse]

"experienced and softened".......what a great way to put it!

I'm sorry you have to live on so much less money than you're used to. That is my greatest fear---winding up poor again, struggling to make do and mostly doing without. I've been dirt-poor and not-so-poor; not-so-poor is better. Thus I keep plugging along, trying to stay employed and useful so I can maintain the lifestyle to which my family and I have become accustomed. We're far from wealthy, but we do all right on my husband's Social Security and my nurse-manager's salary.

I know I probably ought to try getting on disability. Work that I used to enjoy has become stressful to the point that I'm almost paralyzed by anxiety and my inability to stay on track long enough to complete many projects. Even medicated, I tend to have frequent hypo/manic episodes which shred any credibility I might have built up between them. Interruptions and highly-charged confrontations make me crazy even under the best of circumstances; when I'm in a mood episode they're catastrophic.

But, I can't make myself quit, or even go to a less-stressful job. I am stubborn (mule-headed, my pdoc calls it) and it always takes my heart longer to understand what my mind already knows.

[~Christina]

I see the struggle you are in You love being a Nurse and it is part of your beauty and being. You job has you stressed to the point your health is being harmed and that is probably something you really really need to look at and see it for what it is. Hell none of us want to admit we just can't work like we once could whether its a mental illness or physical illness.. Pride is a huge roadblock to climb over.

You and only you can decide what you can and can't handle..

Be kind to yourself

[BipolaRNurse]

Well, today was my first day back, and it took all of an hour and a half to fall apart. My pdoc was right, I shouldn't have returned this soon. The corporate nurse who's been covering for me has changed our systems all around, but that I can cope with; what I can't handle is having her follow me around all day because she doesn't trust me to perform even a basic nursing assessment on my own. I can't handle having staff treat me like a bastard at a family reunion. I can't handle being micromanaged. And I REALLY can't handle knowing that everybody in the upper echelons of the company are talking about me and my illness, and trying to figure out what to do with me.

I did have something of an epiphany on the way home (I was sent home early and asked to stay out tomorrow as well). I realized that my work stress is having a bad effect on my bipolar, and the bipolar is contributing to my problems at work....the only way to make the bipolar better is to have less stress in my life......and the only way to have less stress in my life is to get a less stressful job.

Not sure whether such a thing exists in nursing, but one thing's for sure, I'm backed into a corner and I want to exit with my dignity intact.

[Victoria'smom]

look into county home health aid please. My mom absolutely loved it! She felt so much better and felt like she was making a huge difference. She clocked in at 8 grabbed her county car and her clients folders and left for the day. She did her paperwork in the library as it was quieter then the office, then turned everything in and went home. She had weekly meetings in the office but she was left to her own devices other than that. She says as she's never going to retire she's just going to go back.

[BipolaRNurse]

I am thinking about home health or hospice, but as an RN, not an aide. In fact, I've got some friends who are hospice nurses, and I can do a little networking while I'm off work (again). Tomorrow is going to be spent in the garden working off all this excess energy, then when I'm good and tired I'll sit down and try to work up a resume. I never thought I'd need one again because I was going to stay at this job until I was ready to retire; but, life has a way of kicking one in the face when one least expects it, and, well........here I am.

[bluemountains]

Hi BPN,
I am glad you were able to get time to get yourself back in working mode. I also understand the fear of not being able to work. I know that if I lose this job, I won't have another chance to teach in the public school system. Somehow, after my last bout of instability, I managed to get my current job, but after two strokes of luck, I doubt there will be a third!
I wonder if it is much harder for those of us who provide a people service. There is no down time at work, and we are expected to always be "on".
Many, many hugs, and I hope you can somehow at least get rid of the worry of losing your job. Make this the top of your list with your t!

Bluemountains

[BipolaRNurse]

I've made up my mind. I'm leaving my job.

I just. can't. do. it.

The great Erma Bombeck once said, "There is no way your foot will ever get well as long as there is a horse standing on it." This job is that horse, not only standing on my foot but grinding it into the ground. IOW, I can never hope to get my bipolar under control until there is less stress in my life, and there will never be less stress in my life until I'm no longer working in a job I can't handle.

Tomorrow I'm going to put in my 30-day notice. This will at least give me health insurance for another 60 days and buy me some time to find something else. I'll file for unemployment insurance the day after I leave......I know they'll try to deny it but I'll sic my pdoc on 'em, he'll have NO problem telling them I left because of extreme work-related stress. I've drawn UI in the past after quitting a job due to stress, and I have no doubt I'll get it this time because I have all kinds of backup documentation to prove that.

Hopefully I'll find something before that becomes necessary, but the job market being as tight as it is and me being as old as I am, I know it's going to be an uphill climb. I don't consider myself nearly disabled enough to apply for SSDI; I simply need to do something that won't make me crazy. Or AS crazy.

I'm terribly disappointed, because I wanted this job to be my 'forever' job. It could've been too, had the workload and expectations not become too heavy for me to bear, or had my BP not gone so completely out of control. But, it is what it is, and now I've just got to go find something else to do.

[intergalactictraveler]

BipolaRNurse,

Eight years ago I had to quit working as a courier. I'd been doing it from 1992 and I loved it. On the road all day, sometimes local, sometimes going to NJ, PA or NY. Even with the up and down earnings(the busier you are, the more money you make)it suited me. No boss, no office and every day was a new adventure. But running on adrenaline finally caused my rapid cycling to come flying back like a boomerang. After I left, I worked part time as a store merchandiser, setting up displays and for a couple of years worked part time in a nutritionally oriented pharmacy until they needed to reduce staff because of cash flow problems. Every year, though, I got sicker and by 2010 I could barely work. In 2011, applied for SSDI and got it in two months.

You do whatever you have to do to hold on to your sanity. As others have said, with your experience and skills, you're in a good position to find employment in a less stressful environment. And, you can work even if you get SSDI. I don't recall the name of the program, but you continue to get your full monthly check and you'll have Medicare. The evaluation period is for nine months. I thought about it but I'm only taking Klonopin because nothing else works and it's pretty p*ss poor. I wish you the best and don't let things drag you down. I'm there, and along with a dysfunctional marriage, life is so-o-o great, lol.

[Cherry73]

I understand where you are coming from. I had my breakdown in 2002 an have been on disability ever since. I am now wanting to try going back to work. Seeing that I am only 39 years old with two small kids, disability just isn't cutting it and I need to go back to work. I have some physical issues also I am trying to take care of and hopefully would like to try working part-time in the next six months. I am trying a new mood stabilizer and my hope is it will keep me enough on a even keel to be able to at least work some and supplement my income. I wish you the best.

[BipolaRNurse]

I got fired today.

I knew it was coming. I was going to turn in my notice anyway, but the powers that be got there before I did.

Still not sure how they can do an end run around ADA.......although I was fired for being unable to do the job anymore, I was unable to do the job because of the stress levels which were due in part to my mental illness. I know they have lawyers who figured it out somehow, but I'm certainly curious as to how they did it.

I'm relieved in a sense. There are too many residents with too many problems for one nurse to manage well, and I just got overwhelmed. It's been sucky for the past six months, and I knew it wasn't going to get any better anytime in the NEXT six months. I'd have wound up going inpatient within weeks if I'd stayed on, and that is obviously not a desireable option.

Thank you all for being here. I'm glad somebody understands this stupid illness and what it does to a person.

[Trippin2.0]

Many many s toyou (((((((((((BPNurse))))))))))

[Cocosurviving]

I know this is a scary time and a relief all in
one. Even though they let you go, you
can still apply for unemployment.
I was let go, I told my side of the story.
They told their side and I won. You will
be in my prayers.

[middlepath]

BPnurse....I totally understand! I was a teacher and felt it was part of my identity, too. I left the job, long story, and needed to decompress. I now substitute, and while it doesn't pay much, it affords me the flexibility I need to not percieve as much stress in my life. AND when I am just having a crappy day or week...I don't work! Nobody even knows i missing! Love that part. So, basically, I know you will carve a new path for yourself after you have some time to process the situation. I wish you nothing but balance, harmony and peace.

[BipolaRNurse]

Thanks to all for your kind words.

I've gotten past the acute grief stage and have progressed to PISSED. I still don't have my final check---I was supposed to get it upon termination---and now it'll be at least Monday before I can get it. They had all @#&%ing week to take care of this, and now I'm sitting here without my money AND no job.

I'm seriously considering filing a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and/or a lawsuit. I don't want the job back, but I think I oughta hit 'em in the wallet where it hursts, and strike a blow for the next poor schmuck with a BRAIN DISORDER in their employ.

I mean, they didn't even TRY to make the accommodations my pdoc and I asked for. They didn't even talk to him, even though I gave everyone involved permission to discuss my medical information. They just decided to do an end run around the ADA and that was it. Do they really think I'm that stupid, or just so burned out I don't care that I just took it up the wazoo?

Sorry......I know I'm throwing myself a pity party, and it's not how I usually operate. But then, I've never been fired essentially for being bipolar before, and I am FURIOUS!!!!!!

[BlueInanna]

I think you should sue em too - you were a loyal employee for a long time! Here there is law, if i fire someone, i must deliver final pay within 24 hours. If they quit, 48 hours. But the state laws vary I'm sure. They need to be accountable. They're probably betting on you wouldn't really sue them...
So unfair, i'm so sorry this is happening to you! But kindof glad you're in the anger stage - anger can totally help us power through. Big Big Hugs

[chinchillam]

It is not about pride!!!!! You will be ok. Concentrate on what you can - and you are great!

[catrules]

I can relate to your job being a part of how you define yourself. I was a social worker my whole life before going on disability due to my illness. Like nursing, there is never a day in social work that is not stressful. I am taking classes now to take me in a different career direction, but don't know that I'll ever be able to work 50 and 60 hour weeks like I used to.

I was a damn good social worker, and I enjoyed that people appreciated me. I now feel like I don't serve much purpose sometimes, but on my better days I don't listen to that self talk.