[BlueInanna]

It's not a breaking point cuz that happened already. I keep starting a post about this

I'm not well

But then delete it, it was too long, I said too much.

My fun hypo turned on me. Now I'm irritable dare I say evil. My mind is not being nice, wants me to die. I watched the clock for the decent enough hour (now) to take a couple Klons and lay down. The kids are ok and I'm not going to hurt myself. Older sons surgery wore me out, he's in pain and doc won't give anything stronger. I don't even know if I chose a good doctor. He doesn't seem very good with after care help.

I'm wore out. I feel crazy. These bad thoughts aren't me. The weird stuff I did last week not me. Not who I really am. I'm tired of yelling at myself. Started lamictal - again - last night 12.5mg. Maybe it will help.

The ex bf is weasel ing back in, I'm a sucker for a man in pain. Voice in me laughing at me knowing I wouldn't be strong enough.

[~Christina]

Blue hun

Honestly if you weren't having a struggle right now I would be worried about you. So your hypo went to hell in a handbasket , it sucks , it blows and you know its ok to be mad, pissed, evil feeling. Some times all the energy we use to try and NOT allow ourselves to feel angry is hurting us more than just letting ourselves be angry, mad , pissed, evil.

You have been dealing with your youngest and bully stuff.

You have been dealing with the oldest and his broken arm.

You had all the work with your business.

Let yourself off the hook for a while .. everyone is going to keep moving right along.

Basically, get out of your own head.

Your not weak when it comes to the boyfriend, you are a loving caring woman that will make whatever changes you need to in your life when you make them.

You can sit back and take a deep breathe, you can.

I'm here for ya

[wadingthruemotions]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

I keep starting a post about this

I'm not well

But then delete it, it was too long, I said too much.

I regret a post I just did today. I should have deleted it but didn't. Oh well. Soon enough it won't be new and all.

I am sorry you are not well.

Me, too, Blue. You've more than had your share. I would try to keep my mind on
the business success you expect and work at that. Maybe that will help reduce some of the thinking that's bothering you.

Good that you're going back on Lamictal if it works for you. I hope it really does this
time.

[Trippin2.0]

Sending you lots of s (((((( C )))))) Please take good care of yourself sis :thob:

[Aphrodites_Muse]

I hate to see that life has brought you so many hardships all at once to deal with. You needed time for you that's all, and unfortunately the way that tends to manifest itself into our minds and out into our lives is not always the brightest decisions.

To be honest Blue, been opening my can of worms in life here lately too! There's a lot of hate for myself right now, shameful guilt honestly. Though I know I truly deserve to die, I'm starting to realize that I'm going to love through this, and I hope to be a better me when I come out on the other side.

Anyway, bit of a tangent about me, you really didn't need right now. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm at a really weak point right now, but I will offer you any strength I can.

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

It's not a breaking point cuz that happened already. I keep starting a post about this

I'm not well

But then delete it, it was too long, I said too much.

My fun hypo turned on me. Now I'm irritable dare I say evil. My mind is not being nice, wants me to die. I watched the clock for the decent enough hour (now) to take a couple Klons and lay down. The kids are ok and I'm not going to hurt myself. Older sons surgery wore me out, he's in pain and doc won't give anything stronger. I don't even know if I chose a good doctor. He doesn't seem very good with after care help.

I'm wore out. I feel crazy. These bad thoughts aren't me. The weird stuff I did last week not me. Not who I really am. I'm tired of yelling at myself. Started lamictal - again - last night 12.5mg. Maybe it will help.

The ex bf is weasel ing back in, I'm a sucker for a man in pain. Voice in me laughing at me knowing I wouldn't be strong enough.

Oh blue...your such a sweetheart pls try and not beat up on yourself. You're going through sooooo freaking much

I hope u feel better soon...

[Cocosurviving]

I'm thinking of you.

Sending you hugs and prayers

[bluemountains]

Blue, you have had SO much going on in your life. I don't know of anyone, diagnosed or not, who can always be up when faced with all of the negatives going on with you. I am glad that you say that you won't act on your thoughts.
You are not weak with the boyfriend. There must be some reason you care for him, and the fact that he wants back in shows that he cares for you as well. Maybe it's not a healthy relationship, but for now you have so many other fires that maybe you should put him at a low spot on the list.
I'm a pm away if you need to rant major cuss words!!!

Bluemountains

[faerie_moon_x]

I'm thinking about you Blue. Hang in there, it will all be okay. Don't beat yourself up.

[Trippin2.0]

((((((((( C ))))))))) I'm kinda useless in the empathy and support department right now, but I do love you lots and I'm thinking of you... Haven't seen you on FB today.....although I admit idk just how day it is over there, its 8pm here now.... Hope N is doing well post-op((((N))))

[notALICE]

Blue - I feel for you. I don't necessarily agree that the bf is worth going back to or letting back in, but you are at a weak moment, and it happens. I did it and knew it was going back to being degraded and abused, but the neediness & loneliness for love & all all the short lasting sweet talking drew me back in. When you're stronger you can decide if he's really right for you.

You're taking care of so many, many things. Putting out fires right & left. Try to take some time for just you, or if people in your area offer you to help with this or that - let 'em! You're a strong woman, even if you feel this way. I think most of us have been there.

If I can help in anyway, even through a keyboard - you ask & it's done. You are an amazing woman and that shines right through even in your despair.

Hugs & warm wishes.

[BlueInanna]

Thank you oh 2:22 that's a good thing

I'm drudging through this workday, about to run out of here screaming! But it's ok...

So on Wednesday, son was in surgery, and I was at drugstore and he called, I'd agreed to help him with his invoices for his business, pretty quick easy work for me.
But then he went on with what a tough time he's having even standing with the pain meds he's on - has hemroids hurting like hell - meanwhile supervising a concrete pour at his jobsite. Butt hurting so bad you can't sit - worst pain ever - I could relate, after childbirth, I could relate. So I bought him a butt donut to sit on... and brought it to him at his worksite. Wtf, ... I fell for the butt donut routine! Well he was very grateful. He went in for a kiss and I obligingly let him kiss my cheek, didn't want to embarrass him in front of his employees. Soooo wimpy of me.

He came by this morning and loaned me money... I'm overdrawn again. He invited me and the kids camping - pretty dumb idea with everyone in casts and broken bones. But I guess it was a nice thought. We had some clear discussion, he was apologetic blah blah blah. Says that the "shut up beofre I have to put my boot in your mouth" does not mean he plans to literally touch me physically and that I should know he'd never do that. I guess I may have overreacted on that one. Looking back I see I chose some extra drama with that one. We had to leave the convo to be continued... I resisted breaking out my spreadsheet about our limited compared values.

Anyway, I am doing something fun tonight. My inclination is to flake and take (only as prescribed) pills and crawl in bed. But I'm going to do this workshop with 2 lady friends. It's about the Enneagram, all the numbers, personality types. Seems interesting. So we're going to a wine bar for dinner (possible uh-oh - I'll promise to at least try to be moderate with the vino) then the class is from 7-9. We continue the class tomorrow all day.

I hope I don't flake out. I want to live my life and quit hiding in my bed, or do I? I do and I don't... and it's not like one is any easier than the other. Neither are easy for me.

Thanks you guys, love you.

[faerie_moon_x]

Strange you mention 2:22 all of a sudden.

You and your bf kind of remind me of my mother-in-law and her ex husband. It's like they are stuck together. No matter how much one tries to get away, something happens and she always needs his help. Even 900 miles away like she is. I wish she could find someone better and forget the heartbreak he caused or. Or, alternately, I wish he could just be better and take care of her like she requires. I don't know, your story just made me think of that.

I'm not firing on all engines today. But, I hope things get better.

[BlueInanna]

Well bf is on back burner, too many other fires I'm trying to maintain.

Older Son's arm pain is so much better. Younger son chose to run some in the fundraiser today. I'm proud of his choice.

I made it to dinner and the workshop. Proud of myself that I did not continue on out to have drinks with them after. All I could think of were my kids and home. Very comfy and sleepy in bed now.

More workshop in the morning, an all day thing. Quite Possibly too over ambitious of me, but probably good to challenge myself? Idk we'll see. I'm really really tired.

[notALICE]

What's 2:22? Bible verse? Statute? Not quite holy hell yet, only a third? Just me being nosy again.

[BlueInanna]

ha.. may be a bible verse, let me know please. But to me 2:22 is significatn when I see it, I pay attention to the thought I'm having at the moment and it is usually something profound I'm supposed to pay attention to. 2 is a Goddess number...

Made it to the Enneagram workshop, on time... interesting stuff... complicated! Still processing.

I liked the teacher a lot. She was really intuitive. I want to post a poll, cuz this book she gave us said different number type personalities are predisposed to different disorders. The 7 was the one most likely bp. I challenged her idea on this, cuz I think bp can happen to any personality... I didn't come out with my dx though in the group. But I'm either a 9 or a 4, not sure... so obviously there are some holes in that program.

Came home and worked. Didn't finish, will work more tomorrow. Happy mothers day

[Aphrodites_Muse]

I'd like to add that there used to be a member hanging around here that had said that 222 was a very important number. She said anytime you see the number in your life it mean good luck as well as alignment within the world. That is a moment where you could possibly change the butterfly effect on the universe.

[notALICE]

I've only heard it's 11:11 - make a wish.

How you doing Blue?