[hope4hopeless]

Ok--so here it is --married for 15 years, wife is bipolar and not on meds, had major episode when she was 17, then another 8 month ago at 35. The whole nine yards, hallucinations, 5150...hospital, on meds--then off meds, then our relationship got better(I had filed for divorce last year in July, I thought I could not take it anymore--so things got better and we were on the road to reconcilliation...then 4 weeks ago it all got bad after an argument--something stupid, I just did not agree with her. Shortly after that she had a job interview and now she has an affair with the guy that hired her. 20 years older, nice Mercedes..all in all the absolute opposite of me. I am 40, loving father of our two little children. She has pretty much stopped suddenly all contact to me, and now her only focus seems to be this new guy. I was creepy husband and spied a bit (creepy because we are seperated) and found out on out wedding anniversary that she spent the night at his house. I did not cause a scene,not because I a did not want to but because I did not want to trigger something baaaaaad. Yes, I am worried about her health and safety , but I am also jealous, hurt and am supressing the urge for good ol revenge.
To be quite honest--the best thing that could logically happen to me is to get rid of her and let her ride into the sunset with creepy grandpa guy, but I actually love her and she is the mother of my children. So my plan- if you can call it that is to do--nothing. She does not know that I know and I am somewhat counting on her either freaking that creepy guy out or having her snap out of it and realizing that I am not that terrible of a guy after all. Am I delusional? In a way I want her to realize her own mistake--is that even possible with an unmedicated patient? It seems the more I tried to show her that I cared and loved her the more she withdrew from me. I am not trying to play any games with her, but I think if she would commit to therapy and meds that we could make it, some time down the road. I hate the thought of her sleeping with this other guy, it tears me up but I think if I flip out on her she might just find me even less attractive as she does right now. I am not vain but I have been told to be a really understanding, loving, good looking, caring guy--now my estranged wife does not agree, she says I have been verbally and emotionally abusive for 15 years. I know that is her truth and her true feelings, which is realllllly hurtful to me, because I dealt with pretty severe mood swings and against my usually natural easy going personality sometimes just said something pretty mean back. Anyway-so yeah , I am faaar from perfect. So--my qustion is-should I even bother trying to rebuilt a relationship with her or is it pointless? No single individual on this planet has caused me more worry and pain, but I am old school, I love her but I just don't recognize her anymore. Her family has given up on her, our kids, 7&11 know that mommy sometimes is "mean to daddy" , her friends are people I don't know. It seems to me that she surrounds herself with people that don't know anything about her. I don't have the resolve to just detach and move on but I am longing for someone that can just be with me, I want to enjoy holidays and family and I know that is what she wants to. My question--Should I even bother or is it a neverending cylcle of pain I am subscribing to?

[~Christina]

Sorry this has happened to you.

Regardless of her being bipolar, on meds or off meds. Someone with Bipolar can take there meds and do everything possible to avoid a manic or depressive episode and they can and will still happen at times.

Your wife has to want to repair the marriage.

Maybe you should talk to a therapist, just about what you are going through, Your therapy shouldn't be about "fixing "her.. Just about can you / will you / do you want try and salvage your marriage?

You are in a tough place, I hope your able to find what direction you should take for you and your children.

Good luck

[hope4hopeless]

Thanks- I feel so weak and helpless and my instinct just wants to lash out and take revenge, but I know that the end result would not be what I want. I am actually meeting my therapist tomorrow, she is pretty cool and has somewhat predicted that I would get hurt over and over again unless my wife would commit to treatment. I think my problem is that I have this silly idea of eventually getting a "return on the investment", which is not likely to ever happen, at best our relationship is going to be be "bearable". I just need a break, the last two years have been hell, I have lost 50 (!) lb -- so I went from a chubby to a hotty but not by going to the gym. I work a lot to stay sane, I am keeping all the bad stuff from my kids while my wife (drunk) told my 7 year old that I am gay.( she was a bit more descriptive...to the point that my little girl had no clue what she was talking about...) but I am in love with the woman behind the hate, she just seems so far away now. I just long to have my family back and intact. There are so many stories out there and they all read the same and most of them don't end well. I guess I am pretty conceited thinking that I am the best thing that ever happend to her--but....her whole family and everyone that knows me keeps telling me that-- I quote" you are perfect for each other-- you are both crazy.." -- I am starting to think that they might be right, I must be some sort of masochist the keep going thanks for your reply--

I doubt that you could salvage a marriage on the rocks now, frankly, but that's a decision that you and your therapist need to make, not someone like me. I think it's in your best interests to continue to see a therapist and try to help the children have a stable life with their father, if you can manage that, with a good "nanny" to assist.

Without medications, she is going to get worse, in all likelihood, and this affair is going to be on her conscience for years, making the stress more severe. As soon as the "older" man recognizes that she's an untreated bipolar, he is likely to let go, because his age wouldn't permit him to take on such a burden.

I don't think it's a good idea to have her back into your life unless she's had at least one year of intense psychiatric care and a year of medication to see if the illness is stabilized and will remain that way with care. She's going to be an expensive burden on your life in terms of insurance, psychiatric care for the children if she's permitted back into their lives untreated and abusive, as she has shown to one child, at least.

Your health is at risk, too, unless you can obtain some peace of mind. Love is a powerful emotion, but friendship eventually follows passion, so I would be inclined to, at best, retain a friendship for the benefit of the children, and in time you may find a healthy, loving woman who will be a companion for you for life and will love your children.

She just doesn't sound like a winner to me for you and the children, but then I don't
really care for infidelity in any way, shape, form, or fashion. What position of trust
would you have if she came back with an apology?

Sorry to be so blunt, but facts are facts with untreated bipolar illness over a long period of years.

[faerie_moon_x]

Your story reminds me a another one from a lady I knew a few years ago. Almost identical except it was her husband who went manic and took off with some crazy woman. That woman was unemployed and on drugs though, and he gave her half of their life savings.

In that story, he did eventually snap out of it. He didn't believe he had bipolar and his cousin was a psychologist, also telling him he didn't have bipolar. Even though he returned to the marriage, things didn't work out for them. But, I see it as the guy didn't want to do the work. He didn't want to accept what had happened.

The truth is, no one can save your wife but herself. Meds, doctors, hospitals... unless she's willing to look at herself and take responsability for her wellness, it's not going to happen. And it's the same for the marriage.

I know that doesn't sound very hopeful. But really, no one can say what will happen with your wife. Also, you have to consider that even if she comes back you are holding in all the hurt and jealousy. You could very easily errupt like a volcano. I think maybe it would be helpful for you to go to a therapist during this time, start healing yourself now to prepare for whatever is coming.

I suggest a therapist who knows both about couples and bipolar, so that when you're talking about what has happened they will be more understanding.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's terrible.

[Victoria'smom]

Your children's safety is the utmost importance. They each need a therapist. If you can rebuild trust with her while unmedicated then maybe after a long term separation and therapy for everyone you can think about reconciling.

Threatening her with treatment or divorce leaves her without a voice to medically advocate.

[hope4hopeless]

Thanks- this is pretty much exactly what my therapist told me...I need to focus on the kids and myself, nothing I say or do will have an impact other than a negative on her and I keep falling in that trap. There is really no communication between us right now. I'll stay away, then it'll be harder for her to make me the target of her anger--she'll find a way, but it will not make much sense..thanks again..

[notALICE]

All I can say it has been cited in case studies. I read one recently in:

The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide, Second Edition: What You and Your Family Need to Know
David J. Miklowitz PhD (Author)

So I don't think it is uncommon, however, like other people have pointed out the safety of your kids is paramount to everything else.

I'm sorry you are going through all this.