[BlueInanna]

Improper grammar there, but I liked the ring of it.

So a couple nights ago, browsing the facebook, I see all these old friends and giant fun parties that I was not invited to. I was visiting a newish girlfriend at the time, and she totally gets it, has been through lost friends too, and I cried. She's the fabulously skinny healthy yoga fitness guru to inspire me. But she's also got a strong melancholy tendency, and deeply emotional like me. I let her know I appreciate her new friendship so much. We're not lovers she's pretty straight and I don't even know what I am, she has said she wishes I was a guy... :/ I like being a woman.

But that night I couldn't sleep, mind wouldn't stop, missing the old friends. Thinking they must hate me, breaking down every piece of history I could remember to figure out why I'd been cut out. Which thing did I do to lose my friends? I want friends, so I want to change whatever I was doing wrong. I don't want to make the same mistakes with these new friends...

The time at that bachelorette party maybe? where we did a bunch of drugs, and I slept with this really cool tattooed redhead chick?. In the morning one of the other girls said she thought she heard sex in the night, so I pretended it was me by myself lol. Red had to work and gave me a kiss and left before everyone woke up. No one would have known if she hadn't thrown her panties across the room and forgot them there hanging over the fireplace! I wasn't really doing anything worse than anyone else. The drugs were not my plan or idea, just kind of happened and I went along for the ride. And the bride gleefully announced that she was so happy that lesbian sex happened at her bachelorette party, that made it all the perfect party.

Then at that wedding, bride's twin sister (they're not identical - I've always looked more like her sister the bride than she does - the principal in high school used to get us mixed up and call the wrong one into detention - we had him so confused lol) so twin asked me about Red and the bachelorette party, and I could not for the life of me remember Red's name! Oh the horror - bfg... Anyway twin gave me a nasty look. And in a group said something snarky to shame me. Concurrently, I had a boyfriend, and a female lover, and I was sleeping a bit with twin's best guy friend - he was also one of my best guy friends. And there were some combos amongst the 4 us - they all seemed amused when I told them I "cheated" with the redhead... Red's a cool lady, we're still friends on fb, but she lives hours away or she'd be a fun friend. But it all became public and some people I think were more judgmental than I expected.

I was on Welbutrin at the time wheeee... Twin turned her nose at that a bit, she's tried Welbutrin and it made her very impulsive and horny and made her lose weight. I was much thinner then and she became quite heavy, I wonder if she thought I was thin because I was on drugs - which I was not on drugs - I only did the drugs with them that they provided at that party. Another girl also got very judgmental on me about my love affairs... Looking back, I was probably a bit out of control. And hypo. But it was 5 years ago, I was mid 30's, been so prudent my whole life, and felt like living it up. And that time was very fun, but not something I do anymore.

Why else might they have out-casted me? I did probably seem flakey when depressed and couldn't get out of bed or answer calls for lengths of time. That could have made me look like a druggie or something? And then there was a wedding I flaked on of another friend in the group, I'd also slept with her during "the time". I think she was hoping for it to continue... the lover thing. But her wedding, I was depressed and had a breakdown that morning... crying spell from hell. Couldn't make it. I felt horrible and I missed all the fun. But I had so much going on with my son, and myself, I really thought she would understand and she is a psychotherapist. But she did not, she was very angry. I've been trying to mend this bridge with her for a few years now. Almost told her about my bp dx, but then she told me all about her mother who had bp and was so horrible to her, etc...

So this is like my diary here, lol... 2 nights ago when I was crying about these lost friendships... I reached out to the bride friend, and the psychotherapist friend, L & L... I no longer have their cells on new phone, no I don't backup data like I should. I wrote them each a short sweet, saying hi, miss them, message on facebook. I expected to be ignored as usual. But no- they both L & L wrote back to me yesterday - very nice messages, both sounding happy to hear from me and wanting to get together, one invited me to come bbq. They both have kids 4 and 2 yr olds who I've never met... Time just flew by, ughh now I'm crying again.

Here's the current problem - I'm having a mind block at responding to them now! This is what I wanted but now that ball is in my court, I'm already dropping it, fumbling, almost panicked at how to make my response. And the huge anxiety that I will flake on them again, and feel like a failure again.

I obviously just need to do it - keep the ball rolling - have some faith in myself. I'm scared, my social anxiety is off the hook and most people in rl have no idea what I go through.

I have an opportunity to rebuild friendships with 2 ladies I adore and respect and they're local and I miss them. Can I do it or will I just fail like I always do? The window is short, if I flake again, there may not be another opportunity. I hate this about myself, I get stuck, I don't follow through, I let people down and then they leave me. Here I am wasting time on crying, when I could just walk through the fire and write back to them, and have a backbone and follow through, and do my part in the friendships.

Thanks for reading.

-me.

[bluewave7]

If they can't handle the real you, are they really your friends? Maybe you don't know how to respond because you don't want to get hurt again?

We all make mistakes and drugs and alcohol make me lose good judgement. Everytime I had a three or foursome I lost all the so-called friends. I never was the one who wanted to do it but got talked into it especially after getting bombed. Which is why I don't drink and drug anymore....actually everytime i drank i got into some sort of trouble and usually not sexually but breaking dishes and stuff. I am two weeks sober and clean. I've had ten years clean broken up into 2 year periods with a few months relapse in between.

Your friends aren't perfect either. Just take it slow and give yourself time until you intuitively know the right answer regarding the old friends coming back in.

[Trippin2.0]

Most people who aren't me are retarded!

*cough cough* I mean; ALOT of people are judgemental and ignorant... pay them no mind

So don't stress about your past sexual relations, because you didn't commit a crime like necrophilia or something! (or did youuuu?)

You engaged in adult activities with other consenting adults, and if there are people who found out whom suffer from outlandish sensitivities toward such news, well they should seriously invest in awesome earplugs and proceed to crawl under a fkn rock and bloodywell stay there, because that's exactly where they belong!

On the rekindling of old friendships, Idk hey, I'm a bad judge of character mostly because I refuse to see the bad in anyone until its directed at me. Right now I have an old "friend" reaching out to me, had lunch with her Sunday... She says she was mean, vindictive and 2faced due to meth... I highly doubt that, but I also feel bad for the fact that she's cleaning herself up and have no friends to speak of. So I'm tempted to fill that role for her. My mom (excellent character judge btw) Says she doesn't trust her, but idk how to be friendly but not friends. This can already backfire on me badly after just one visit.

My point in hijacking your thread and making this all about me because the world obviously revolves around me? I can't say follow your instincts(because mine suck) but I can remind you that it was you who reached out to them first. So maybe a short non-commital reply like "that sounds wonderful" will do, because atleast you're being courteous...

One step at a time, why worry about whether you will dissapoint them in future? That is not your problem as you cannot solve it at present. That is "Future C's" problem, and she will deal with it as she deems fit. Btw trust "Future C" ok? She's pretty amazing

Baby steps C ... I rambled didn't I... lol

Ps. I love the title!

[Confusedinomicon]

I think you should listen to trippin.

Its worth it to try and see if you can rekindle something instead of just wait and feel bad about a missed opportunity. Don't let this turn into a regret.

I lost a good friend last year because I couldn't control my impulse to gossip. I hope one day we get to a point where we can talk to one another again. Im rooting for you.

[bluemountains]

Wow, Blue, so glad you reached out even though you have felt left out. I, too, am very sensitive when it comes to friends, and facebook shares lots of events that I am not invited to. If all of my transgressions were added up for loss of friends tally, I would have no friends at all. My drugging days are long past, but drinking can still get me into trouble. I am overbearing when drinking.
As for all of the partying, it sounds like you and red were willing participants who had lots of fun. It must be a bachelorette parties. I went to one once where the exact same thing happened. One of the girls was openly a lesbian and another wanted to experiment. The rest of us heard loud sex for a while. I think that the non-lesbian had regrets, but she still laughed along with us the next morning.
My final thought, perhaps the fact that you were busy dealing with your children was understood and respected by your friends. Those who commented on facebook sound glad that you have resurfaced! I hope you will be able to go, but I understand the feelings you are having.
Good luck!
Bluemountains

[Darth Bane]

i read your post BlueInanna... for me whatever i have done in manic phase, i actually pretend/behave like it never happened ... if i want to share that all i wouldn't know where to start... nothing too bad but still i am too embarrassed by it... any the friends i lost when i isolated myself in depression... gosh, i try not to think about it anymore...

[EBD8]

I always wondered why I was so sensitive until I read it while reading several books on bipolar. I've made so many decisions that I never really thought were that bad but it did cost me a lot of friends along the way and burned a lot of bridges especially with family. Hell my family, bro and sisters don't even think their is such a thing as mental illness. They know something is wrong with me, they just don't know what it is. They treat me like I am the black sheep of the family and I have always felt that way.

[wildflowerchild25]

i love your post :-) I have always struggled with keeping friends, but mostly it is my own doing. I have a hard time doing the regular maintenance things of friendship, especially when I am depressed. i am rarely friends with anyone outside of work.

I guess i just get annoyed with people and end up judging them and deciding i'm better off without them sometimes. I am not friends with ANYONE from grade/middle/high school anymore. my elementary school friends were fake (they never liked me for real). my middle school friends gave up on me when i went crazy in high school. my high school friends all moved away for school. then the one friend i had of my own couldn't handle my pregnancy and i couldn't handle her immaturity.

some days i am lonely. some days i wish i could just be "normal". i'll never understand human connections like most people. but that's who I am.

you don't want friends who can't handle your true self :-) hopefully this new friend will understand better. good luck!

[treehugger727]

Oooooh Blue. You have interesting tales of the past. I have many parallels in several situations. It's easy to get caught up in all of the emotions attached to relationships especially when you may feel like you're being judged. Don't over think it and just be you. If you end up rekindling these relationships and you go into it just like that then i would think that everything will only go as it should. You will have made an honest effort and won't have regrets.

I also sometimes find the best way to deal with the past indiscretions is to not bring them up. At the end of the day past is past and its worth a shot. Wishing you well, lady and sending you Windy City hugs xoxo

[BlueInanna]

Ty Ty
I still haven't responded to their responses. But I will do it. Right now maybe. I think I'm better able now to let people know if invited to a certain event, that I'd love to go, but can't promise a commitment because I have so much going on with the kids etc. and ask hope you understand.

Trippin you have me lmao out loud for real!!! No I never took the rigor mortis road and never will rofl!!! I love you!!! I will try to take it easy on myself and be in the present. Future C will deal with whatever future brings and she will likely do ok. I don't need to fail myself before it even happens. I would like for these 2 friendships to reblossom, so I will at least try.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

I would like for these 2 friendships to reblossom, so I will at least try.

I think you should try. And if you fail, then there must be a reason for it and you can indulge in a little "judgmentalistm" on your own.

I will take Trippin's lead and example in making it about me (because, you realize, I had never before made anything about me until I read Trippin's post).

So I had a female colleague, ten years younger, at company A. I had a misfortune and bad judgment to involve her in my interactions with ex. It was in 2011. He wanted some sort of an unbiased third party, and instead of telling him to 1) go f... himself, 2) engage a mediator who is professionally trained, I engaged her, because she was always super super rational and objective. It was a bad judgment on my part. Ex sent her horrendous emails. She shared them with her husband and all of her extended family. I told her that she should not have shared anything because of privacy, and she stopped communicating.

Last month, I finally decided to try to mend it.

She is this super well dressed creature with perfect make-up, perfect clothes, and perfect everything. She does not travel without some sort of a steam contraption that makes her clothing wrinkle-free in the morning - that is her best friend. So I bought a card that, I thought, was special.

The card had a real metal hanger (tiny one) with the hook that looked exactly like a question mark, a black piece of lace that meant to represent a tiny black dress, with a dark pink flower at the waist.

The card read, in pretty cursive letters: "Every woman needs one perfect little dress and one friend she can talk to about anything. I'm still looking for that dress".

I added: "Please come back. Miss you. Best! name and phone number."

Well, she has not responded. But it says something about HER, right - I hoped she would be more magnanimous and forgiving and less petty. Well, now I know that she is not, and now that I know that she is not, I am less upset knowing that I cannot make her come back... because I do not care that much for people who are petty... right?

But had I not tried, I would have never learned it about her.

HUGS to you! And, I too love redheads. So precious, so rare.