Confidence.... or result of illness

Well, I am at a fork in the road. The other day I was feeling real well and thought I was talking a lot more than usual. Then over the past couple of days I've fallen back to the same way I've been for five months, quiet with not much to say. I don't think this is a result of my confidence, which my mother likes to believe. I think it's a result of my illness. I can't help but wonder why I am not remembering things to talk about, or being able to jump from one thought to another one. I talk better online, but there is still a lot I feel is missing.

Some days it's like I just want to give up and try to live the best I can with the way that I am now. Other days I have firm belief that I will get better and will pick up where I left off. I am so confused right now. People come out of psychosis all the time and don't seem to have this problem. My doctor doesn't even know what the problem is. She recently prescribed me abilify. Which worked for a second and I was on top again. To many times have I been up and down (more often then not down).

So my question is, is not having anything to say a result of confidence or the illness? If it's confidence I can fix that, if it's the illness, will it go away with time or what?

I think they are closely linked and have a direct correlation, mood up = confidence up, mood down=confidence down. At least this is the case for me. I cannot isolate either one and just take it for what it is. I know that if i am in a depression that my confidence is in the toilet. I have come to just expect it and try to fake it when I am down and when I am up i try to just remember it is a false sense of self, too. Mine has not gone away with time, though i would love it if it did. Not sure how helpful that is.

It depends on what you mean nothing to say.

Does it feel lik you have a wall in your mind and the words just won't come out? Or do you feel more like you have something to say but nervous to say it. Or, do you mean one second you're talking and the next was that your thoughts go blank and you forget?

I have a lot of thought blocking which is I forget what I'm talking about suddenly, even mid-scentance.

I get nervous and don't say anything about certain things, even though I know what to say.

Sometimes in my head is a wall and I can't get the words out I want to say no matter how hard I try.

I think the middle one is confidance, the top one possibly illness and the bottom one possibly illness, too... but hard to say exactly.

It's more like I want to say something.... but nothing comes to mind, mental blocking I think it is. I feel like if something came to mind I would say it.

Hmmmmm.... that is a tougher one. I am not sure.

Thought blocking is like you know what you want to say, you start to say it, and it dissapears and your like.... uhm.... wait what??? It litterally feels like the thought was switched off like a light. It's really annoying.

Uhm... I would look up on the different type of disorganized thinking to see what you find.

I don't know what it is, but I thought I was coming back the other day and then it just dropped down. I am so incredibly pissed right now that I have been this way for 5 damn months. Imagine being in any social situation and not being able to say anything .... I don't find enjoyment anymore. I am more often the not depressed.

I often have it happen where I forget what I'm saying part way through a sentence.... sometimes I'm just way ahead of myself and forget where in the story I am. Sometimes I just don't have a clue what it was I was planning on saying.

Fortunately, everyone I know seems to accept this as just being a part of me as I do it QUITE a lot. That or I seem to pass it off smoothly. (sometimes when it happens when I'm teaching I'll say it's because X was just doing Y when they should have been listening instead - which is always something true! haha) Most of the time I just go "umm yeah, lost my train of thought here, what were we talking about?!" and work my way back through the conversation to remember what it was I planned on saying.

I'm sorry that it's bringing you down a lot Mr. Radio. Have you tried spending time in smaller social situations, with like just one or two people who you trust? If not... try it. Try letting them know (even online or through a text!) that this has been going on. Sometimes people will surprise you and be super patient (or will just carry on the conversation!)

I think it is depression, which affects cognitive abilities negatively.

Most of my stories are about cats, and this one is no exception.

Slightly over a year ago, I started fostering cats. I was in my last suicidal depression and my cats contributed to my survival - when I wanted to OD, I thought through the consequences and realized that the cats would die from starvation because I did not have any friends or family to check on me (I lived alone) for days and days.

Ellen, the head of the rescue agency from which I acquired the cats advised me on feeding the cats in the manner that is optimal for their health and longevity. Ellen has been running the rescue agency for two decades and close to 1K of stray cats have found homes through her, and she herself keeps several very old cats (it is amazing how long cats can live with proper care).

So she told me: grain-free high quality wet food only.

That did not ring any bell for me, but I trusted Ellen and went on buying high quality food.

Fast forward almost a year, no depression and in good spirits. One day, I ran out of high quality wet food I buy from Amazon, and I went to my local grocery store hoping to find some high end food. All the food at the local grocery store was horrible, with ingredient lists consisting of 10-20 unpronouncable names.

Then it rang a bell for me: almost 20 years ago, I and another girl, Kathy, were house-sitting for somebody and had the task of feeding their cat. Kathy said that the cat owners (who are very frugal people) were feeding the cat horrible cheap food and went to Whole Foods to buy high quality food for the poor animal. AT THAT TIME I THOUGHT THAT KATHY WAS COMPLETELY CRAZY.

So at my grocery store when I saw that there was nothing good for the cats, I remembered Kathy and even wrote a short story about her (cat feeding was not the only interesting interaction I had with Kathy).

So the ability to connect related events is a cognitive ability that goes away when you are depressed, in my experience. I really should have remembered Kathy when Ellen first told me about high quality grain-free protein food - I should have registered that no, Kathy was NOT COMPLETELY CRAZY after all. But I made no connection at all, because a depressed mind ruminates and is unable to make those connections.

Now I am not depressed and I remember all sorts of things and make connections between things easily and effortlessly.

In my personal experience, the thing that is to blame is rumination, and depression is notorious for causing rumination. Rumination is like gas in that it fills any space available to it - it can basically fill the entire brain/mind, not leaving any space either for processing new information or for making connections between new information and the contents of your long term memory. It is insidious in that it closes off opportunities for interacting with the world around us. I do not know how to best phrase it - it is basically life poisonous grey-colored smoke that fills your brain and disables your ability to think up an interesting thing to say. And it creates some sort of a vacuum bubble that removes your connection not only to the outside world, but to the contents of your own memory accumulated over the whole course of your life.

I am sorry this was so long-winded!

And to your point, finally - no, it is not a confidence problem, it is a cognitive deficit that is, luckily, temporary, because depression is temporary. People with confidence problems CAN think up interesting things to say, but shy away from actually saying them because they lack confidence, and you do not have that problem - your problem is not having anything to say, right?

YES, exactly. Interesting story about the cats. I enjoyed the read lol. I hope to god it's only depression because this is affecting everything I do. The other day I was feeling high (as in not depressed) because my abilify kicked in. I've been taking my meds, but I've seemed to fall back into my depression. It is like a suffocating effect and clogs everything up. I agree it's not confidence, I would have confidence if I had things to say lol.

I know it's affection my cognitive abilities because I can't recall as good as I use to and making connections between things. Having things to say has always been in my mind. I can only think of one time before when I was depressed. It was after I broke up with my ex sociopathic girlfriend. I didn't have much to say that time either and all I could think of is if there was anything I could of done differently. After I eventually got over her I experienced months of a high happy feeling where I was talking a lot and hanging with friends and being the light of the party. After that high feeling for such a long time, I got even higher. With the help of weed and my mania I went into my psychotic break. I was confident coming out of psychosis, but it seemed once that was over I became extremely self critical and angry at the world for what has happened.

I've been this way for 5 months now and can only dream of what it feels like to be normal again. If you are right and it truly is the cause of depression, I will be eternally grateful to the lord. I don't want to live like this forever. I use to host a radio talk show called "Buried In Time." I talked a lot and had good conversation and made connections to generate laughs and good times. I was a strong confident man. One day I would like to return to radio and pick up where I left off, but that seems hopeless now with the lack of things to say.

Even now typing this I feel like I would be more verbal in my expressions. I feel dull and like I have so much more to contribute to the world then what I'm putting out. That's why I've been so hard on myself. When should the depression end? Is the depression a result of bipolar or self inflicted? Or is it just because my brain slowed way the f down after psychosis? If you can answer any of those that would be greatly appreciated lol. Thanks again for the help and advice.

Oh, my! that is why your iserid is Mr Radio - for a good reason!

Your depression is probably a combination of bipolar and a tough time getting over your sociopathic ex gf.

Your p-doc needs to know that the ultimate goal of treatment is not reaching a state of blah, as long as you are not in psychosis, but returning you to your old witty state.

From what I experienced, I'd say it's more the result of the illness than the lack of confidence, but there's a little exercise I've been doing lately that helped me a lot. Get a camera (any camera) and do a "video diary". Talk as much or as little as you want/can about whatever you want.
The other thing I wanted to ask you is: How were you feeling EXACTLY before the break? This things are sometimes progressive, and sometimes they just get worse due to the use of some drugs. How long did your episode last? Could you briefly describe it?

Kind regards, my friend!

Before the break I was manic for quite some time. A few weeks at least. I was studying a bunch of weird things, spirt science, astral projection, theory of everything, binary beats, devils bible, history of the world, and other things I found on youtube at the time when I thought it was all interesting. I even planned on learning another language. On top of watching all these videos I was drinking a lot of coffee and didn't have much need for sleep. I felt on top of the world as if nothing could phase me and I had the most confidence I've ever had in my life. I was so happy and thought I was a genius because I was always thinking of new ideas and had new plans for the future.

I was psychotic for about five weeks. During that time I listened to my music up at college in my room for days. I believed god was talking to me through music. I was also reading passages from the bible. I thought I was Santa Clause, Joseph father of Jesus, and that the men in black were real and after me. I thought I was receiving all the information in the world at one time. During my break I felt so empowered with all the knowledge in the universe. In reality it was me just believing my psychotic thoughts. I remember thinking we were all going to ascend into another dimension. I remember feeling like I could see the future and feel peoples astral body when I would walk out in public. I felt the presence of everyone around me. I spent most my time indoors because I believed people were after me.

It was like a rush of thoughts that never seemed to stop. It was very intense and fast pace. Didn't need sleep and wanted to keep going to see what was next. I use to smoke quiet a bit before my break and they say that can have an influence on chemicals in the brain. Have you had problems socializing and having things to say in groups of people? Can you not make connections and talk about a topic for a specified period of time?

So the question is... how do I return to that old self?

You will probably need a fine-tuned medication regiment that stabilizes you without flattening you out. Plus, "social rhythm therapy for bipolar". Plus, something to stabilize you outside of psychoparmacology: journalling, exercise, being out in the sun for short periods of time, these things. But most importantly, patience with yourself as you won't revert back to the witty self in an instant - it will be a process that may be drawn-out.

I have THE HARDEST time making connections now. It's as if it just happened naturally before and now it's just really hard, but it could also be that it has always been hard for me and now I just put too much attention to how difficult it is. IDK.
With time, though, you will start feeling less anxious in social situations, specially if you don't stop going out and hanging with people (even if it feels awkward in the beginning, you will get through it).
How long did you smoke weed before the episode? Did you smoke on a daily basis?
Cheers!

It was on and off for about half a year before the tail end towards the break. Few times a week while I was up at school last fall. I haven't done it since as it would be detrimental to my health now