what's your realest emotion?

hell!!...why did I do this to myself tonight?

seek the gift of knowledge via a curiosity in a brain so undisciplined?

I know right away I'm a furious creature...far removed from the measured abilities of even the scariest animals to us humans...and I know I'm not alone too!...earths animals have their duties to perform and although occasionally whales look like they are killing themselves on the beach?... they are purely responsive...

you see...bipolar to me this illness of 2 distinct sides has this most unique feature of "injure and heal"... "heal and injure"

can't make up it's damn mind what it's doing with me??...hell I know damn well I take in too much barely any senses I only need one or two and I got freaking SIX!

so love arrives and pain follows and laughter enjoys it's moment perhaps beside psychosis and misery joins in before paranoia betrays my overconfidence destroyed by insecurity met with panic and fear followed by outburst of the unexplained and seemingly absurd and isn't it interesting how it all began with love as only love delivers the true pain to the living and yet the two sided brain comprehends such wonderful with such sinister inability to sustain and what's left is fury.

...and broken not just bits falling off but complete demolition of personality during the absence of one or the other of either adoring or what the hell...
hating that crap!

hating that I'm not feeling love and loving that I'm hating because it's damn well better than not feeling anything...

TOO many variables I'm losing my mind again it found me on my own again hiding in the dark better left alone nobody was here anyway I don't see the point there is nuthin' holy in this unholy land inside me!

I know part of me wants sympathy because I'm freaking angry all the time!...and the sooner I stop thinking I'm clever the sooner I might cool it down just a little...because being 'clever'...just makes me impossible to handle!!

BUT...(and the sicko's favourite word ever!)..BUT...why do I "feeeel" so damn intimidated by such a simple question anyway?

ask any normal person..."hey what's the feeling you get the most?"

...I expect "sad"...maybe something else..."happy"..."confused"

...tired?...hey what the hell do I know?
there just is no place in the middle for me to rest in!...does anybody else find this diabolical feature of this experience?..and they call it bipolar cos it's scientifically effective and what the F?..
it's so much unscientific from inside it's so freaking personal and miraculous to even contemplate!
how convenient to be classified and as always the unbelievable is made almost believable to the inexperienced and made even less believable to those experienced!
...the 'clinical' has no clue!... it's a safe environment!...that's all it is...
I suffer because of it and yet according to society I belong there and I perceive meanwhile that civilisation is itself the fundamental clinic for the ignorant and those gifted with abilities beyond my capabilities...BUT
I need them more than they need me!...what a damn shame!

I know I have changed peoples experience ...in unique ways over time but time forgets even itself within the pre-occupied mind and this is what I lack.!!
that sincere ability to be pre-occupied. makes me FKING mad I got nuthin' to do but keep myself under control!

...so yeah!...I keep finding myself angry about something...FCKIN' furious!

being so versatile and yet so injured by it and able to heal but in the process sustaining more injuries and on it goes...

so I don't want to admit it...I'm suddenly solemn and subdued and despicable full of self acceptance missing what I will never have what I nearly got and everything just hurts like hell these nerve endings I have were installed in my head way too damn well.

everything just makes me violently angry...because I just don't understand...I struggle to keep up with it all!...and though love and PASSIVE shine through brilliantly at times most memorable

fury is my realest emotion

I feel that kind of fury. Often. And usually over nothing at all. But (ha... there's that word again) usually while driving, I do have to say.

My "realest" emotion? Considering it's hard to determine what it "real" anymore that really IS a tricky question.

Usually it's a despairing kind of apathy. At least that's what I call it. A kind of apathy that's crushing, blinding and really damn hard to describe. It's having to do so many things that you feel trapped so you end up doing nothing at all.

I like to say "Number of f***s I give today? None."

You just have so much blumin' intelligence, Dubble Monkey! Why in the world won't you
give up that alcohol and watch your intelligence just burgeon with fire? You just go round and round as long as you drink, when clarity would make you a genius.

My "realist" emotion is a kiss on the cheek from my grandson or granddaughter. Took me
a lifetime to reach this point, too.

You can have it all if you really want it. Be good to yourself. I really do like you and
want to see you one healthy dude.

Take care; glad to see you posting.

gen... you are very kind and even more magnificently direct!

..I don't want it all!

I already have it all!

I want less

...

there is more to add to this

I just cannot do it all at the same time

I already have too much to think about to care about I am pathetic about what it is to be in the image of modern HUMAN...

maybe you might see how I got here by people telling me I could do better than I did or at least keep doing as good as I apparently did?

when all I was doing was saying some dumbass stuff to feel somehow connected...

what's to say I am not healthy right now?

I'm offended

but I also understand...and that?

I dislike the most about myself...

pretty much everything offends me when I talk about myself but trying not to just does not seem to work for long

and I feel compelled to prove I'm not a real psychopath I have to keep editing my posts...

damn it I wish I could just LET GO!

but I cannot...that's a completely new topic

My realist emotions are love and curiousity.

When I feel those, I know they're real. They're not my most common feelings, but they are the most genuine!

______________________________________

Oh,Ye Gads, Dubble Monkey. I didn't mean to offend you. (I have a particularly great fear of doing that to people because in doing so, I suffer for literally weeks afterward.) I was trying to say that the alcohol gets in the way of the brilliance of your mind.

How can one have it all when dependent on alcohol?

You relate to people beautifully when you wish. I remember clearly when
Speed was having such a difficult time with the death of her son, and you
responded to her with "Speed, it was an accident, please understand that;
it was an accident." I don't think there was another post that helped bring
her back to a functioning level as much as that one did.

Now, you've got the brains, and you've got the love and the compassion.
In my view (and I'm NOT trying to offend, please) your view of love is
skewed because real love, while it's passionate, turns into friendship over
time. So if it's love that has you "cornered" and makes you want to come
out fighting, how about changing your view of what love is? Isn't it really
the desire to extend oneself for the benefit of another? And if it isn't
reciprocated, how can it be real love?

Shakespeare has said that in life real love for another is probably never
consummated because there is too much concern for the other person's
well-being. In one way, I believe that; for almost all of us, though, it
seems to me that we are all in the same ship trying to manage the
emotion of love and yet keep it enduring and at the same time feel
satisfied and content.

Contentment is a wonderful position to be in, as I see it. And it took me years to learn it.
If you won't be offended, I would say that might be what you're missing
in life. If you're offended, I didn't mean that the way you took it.

I hope I wiggled out of this one!

Take care.

your wiggling was marvellous GEN...

and that you .."the true genetic"...

felt urgently wiggly ?

made me feel quite "groovy"

...but please my friend please I did not choreograph such a beautiful thing!

...otherwise I could easily expose myself sooner and apply for your attention on a much more regular basis

and now I'm trying to wiggle out of being wiggled so very well

is that like "love" first?...and wondering why?

...or looking for something?...

and then finding out it's then 'love'!?

..and then realising you can't do anything but!

and it hurts...

so you better hate instead just to stay alive?

Monkey, this is the first post of yours, and the responses that make sense to me.

Sent from my C5170 using Tapatalk 2

yes I know mate!..

some of the stuff I write is 'distorted'...comes likewise sidewise out of my head!...

thanks.... I cannot be here for everyone...but you know what I mean?

it's good enough if it's just once!

we are all perfect people!!

James

hey baby...

Hmm, no, not like that at all. Love and curiousity are two different emotions, I don't mean them as being together!

When I love someone I know that it's a real emotion. I don't doubt it when I feel love towards someone.

And I'm curious even when I'm really depressed - I'm just very inquisitive and consistently want to "know" things!

You remind me of a friend of mine, who thinks constantly, about everything, what goes on in the world, what goes on in the mind, just everything. I am like that too, my mind goes a million miles a minute, sometimes I give up trying to keep track of it. Genetic made perfect sense when she says the alcohol gets in the way. I can say that from personal experience, I have been sober for 13 years from alcohol now, and am never ceased to be amazed at the things I did (and said) while under the influence. Plus drinking made me more depressed and angry. When I drank, I was always angry. Now, my realest emotion is probably fear. I have a lot of unknowns in my life right now, and the unknown was always my biggest fear.

It seems like every emotion almost I feel is the strongest. I know that sounds strange or impossible, but when I'm feeling something, like right now, really really hyper and excited, its hard for me to imagine feeling anything else. Even though I go through these same cycles over and over. I tell myself, yeah you r gonna get depressed again, but I keep hoping maybe this time it wont happen.

what is my realist emotion? FEAR. it is the realist thing that I have. I am an expert in dealing with it, but it stays nonetheless.

Hi James,
I always enjoy your posts, even the negative ones, because your words are so artistic! I agree with genetics in that alcohol has been a struggle for you for a while. I know first hand the difficulty of this battle!
Back to your question, my emotions change, but my current emotion is one of fear. I don't have order in my life right now, and this leads to bad choices (none yet!)
My favorite emotion is the weepiness I get with the love from my children.

Bluemountains