[holdingonhope]

I have been reading posts here for awhile. Time to join the club In 2 days time I am marrying a man (K) who has rapid cycling bipolar I disorder. I joined this site not only for support for the toll being with him takes on me emotionally and physically but because I also want to see things from his side. I want to understand what he is going through so I can better prevent triggers and help him get this disorder under control.

We have just begun the process of getting him diagnosed and currently he is on anti-anxiety meds but he needs something more. Some days he is all for going to the psychiatrist and others he isn't. He has no insurance so we are waiting till after Saturday to make him an appointment with the psychiatrist as I will then be able to get him on my insurance. Any advice on the best course of action to get him the best help I can would be greatly appreciated.

[A Red Panda]

Sounds like you're already doing it. You're staying with him despite the challenges. Just stay solid, and take care of yourself. It might be a rollercoaster for a while as he tries different meds and therapies.

(As someone who is just starting... and someone who's not really all that aggressive or confrontational? I was ready to b***h at the mental health guy I was talking to yesterday when it was my first session with him. I then spent the rest of the day fighting tears and when I was alone I broke down multiple times. I don't know how everyone else has been, but clearly it's a rough start for me).

[holdingonhope]

It's like living with a kaleidoscope. I take good care of myself and he takes good care of me too. He isn't oblivious to the stress he puts on me so in his more lucid moments he does his best to "make it up to me" as he puts it.

I started a weight loss goal to give myself some focus that didn't involve anyone but me. I lost 40 lbs for our wedding and I feel much much better. The added energy has helped with my ability to cope with everything.

He has no issue taking the meds but he is completely against the therapy side of it. He is very much an alpha male and I think he sees that as admitting he can't handle something which in his world just doesn't happen. I am doing my best to get him to see it as a means to an end but am having no luck. I might have to use rope and duct tape to get him there...but I will!

[holdingonhope]

I guess what I want to know most is does he know the horrible things he's saying at the time? Is it kind of like an out of mind experience where his brain and his mouth are on completely different levels or does it just snap and take over. I know he remembers what he says and does because as soon as it's over he apologizes and usually says i'm an *****. For a man so in control I would like to know how out of control mentally this makes him.

[Victoria'smom]

Seriously call every provider on your insurance.that way you can take the soonest possible. you could possibly get him to go to couples therapy so that he can see what its like and then he may set up an appointment for him self. I really suggest if you can you get into therapy to helps. I was completely against therapy, but it's a requirement for my medication. so I be grugingly just accept it, until I had a complete mental breakdown in her office. she couldn't make me feel safe, and she looked at me like I had three heads, but she did not overreact. she did however ASK me to go too impatient when I called her the next day. I did not go and she set me up with several sooner appointments.

when I have no filter between my head and my mouth I say horrible things. unfortunately at those times I don't care if I hit the other person. that obviously the problem not me and things of that nature. I completely apologize afterwards but that doesn't take care of the hard feelings. so it turns out to be really fun if one of us are being sensitive and the other has no filter.

Oh back to therapy, one of the reasons that I think all partner's should go is for the third party to answer the question "is it me, him, or bipolar, that (insert resent issue) happened", it also really helps if you work on your issues, and the therapist can help you understand how bipolar affects him.

[holdingonhope]

I completely agree that therapy is important....being a therapist and all . I will get him an appointment asap and I'll just have to drag him there. I just want to make life easier for all of us. I hate the stress and distress that this disorder causes him right now.

As for the verbal outbursts he doesn't seem to care either about what he says. I used to get really upset or really angry and yell back but that was before I realized what was really going on. As of right now he still yells a lot and breaks off our wedding at least twice a week since we got engaged. The name calling is the worst and most hurtful but I close my ears and just let him rage. Since I have stopped fighting back with him the episodes are much shorter and less intense. I bought him a weight bench last weekend and now instead of the constant yelling for hours on end he will yell a little bit then go work out for however long he feels like. That has really eased the tension around here this week.

I just have to keep reminding myself that he doesn't mean what he's saying. I keep a picture on our living room wall and on the desk top of my computer that says, "You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it." Repeating that often helps a great deal also. Thankfully he has enough awareness that his verbal abuse during an episode has only been directed at me and not our children. For that I am very grateful.

[holdingonhope]

Well I don't know if it's unloading to you guys or maybe that our wedding is so close that has me smiling all day like an idiot. Today....today I missed him. Today I can't wait for him to come home. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. It's nice.

The closer two people are, the greater the danger of an explosion; so be careful.
Don't assume that you will ever be able to stop the triggers; he must work diligently
on himself and keep in touch with his psychiatrist if he is to manage the mood changes
in bipolar illness.

If he remains on medication, the illness may "mellow" as he ages. If he reaches the
point that he refuses medication, the illness can become worse unmedicated. Your
best effort to help him would be, in my view, to make sure that he has the medications
he needs and that he is taking them routinely.

You cannot control his triggers. It's the tremendous positive view you have as his
partner that you are hoping will resolve all of the slings and arrows that life throws
at all of us--bipolar or general population.

He will need to be pro-active in his illness. And it really will be up to him, although
a calm, quiet atmosphere in the home is helpful. To that extent, you may be able
to insure some peaceful years.

I do think it's possible for bipolar people to marry and have successful marriages, so
to that extent I think things will go well for you. Because you know about his illness
and are open to therapy, always keep the door open for that and for you if you feel
you ever need it.

I do hope you both will have a happy life, and congratulations on the determination
to marry and have a happy one.

[holdingonhope]

Genetic ~

I know I'll never be able to stop all his triggers as they change from day to day...minute to minute but as you said I can do my best to keep our home as peaceful as possible. K suffers from OCD as well which I understand is common with this disorder? I scrub the house down with bleach daily...not all of it but the important areas like kitchen and bathrooms. I do it right before he comes home so he can smell it when he walks in the door. The kids and I do a mad dash to sweep and pick up everything right before he comes in. I have found this helps with the emotional outbursts when he first gets home and besides..nothing wrong with a clean house anyway.

He is good about his medications we just need to find the right ones. He is aware that he needs help and is accepting of finding it...just not the therapy. That will take some convincing.

I have a positive view most of the time but you know I'd be lying if I said it was all positivity covered in rainbows and unicorns. It's hard...really hard. Some days I don't think I can take another day with him...some days I take the kids and we go hide at the library or his mom's house..anywhere but home. Some days I seriously think about bashing him in the head with my cast iron skillet...twice. But even when I'm mad as hell and "punish" him by refusing to go to bed when he does (he hates that) I walk in our room and see him asleep and I just melt. There is such peace on his face and I sit down in my computer chair and just watch him sleep for awhile. I normally have a good cry to relieve my tension and I let it go. He's just a man...a person who didn't ask to be this way and no matter what he throws at me I still love him. So many people have thrown him away in his life...I refuse to be another one. In fits of rage he loves to throw in my face how weak he thinks I am because I don't fight him. But I'm going to show him I'm the toughest b**ch he's ever met because I'm the one who's going to stay.

My friend Jennifer is married to a man who has Bipolar 1. I talk with her often. They have been married for 13 years. At a time when I was seriously doubting whether or not I wanted to deal with this for the rest of my life I asked her just one question. Would you marry him again? She said yes. That's all I needed to know. I know that this will not be easy. I know that it will be a constant battle against this disorder and that there is no fix it pill or cure. I know the divorce rate is astronomical in this situation. I've done hours and hours of research. Most couples meet and marry and then find out the worst the other has to offer. This is different. I've lived day in and out with him unmedicated for 6 months. I've seen the worst he has to offer several times and I'm still here. I am still marrying him in 2 days.

I know that it takes much more than love to make a marriage work in the best of circumstances. I figure I have 4 things going for me. I'm a redhead...I'm Irish...I have formal education in this area and he is providing the experience...and most importantly I am madly head over heels in love with him and have no desire to leave him. Those 4 things put together with some Wellbutrin added in equals a determination that just won't quit.

[hinzc7711]

Congratulations on the wedding, and you sound like you have a fighting chance (from a to z) in success. 1) You know it'll be tough 2) Relationships are difficult period 3) If willing to accept someone for who they are then your not married to a monster 4) Praying for you!

Originally Posted by holdingonhope

Genetic ~

I know I'll never be able to stop all his triggers as they change from day to day...minute to minute but as you said I can do my best to keep our home as peaceful as possible. K suffers from OCD as well which I understand is common with this disorder? I scrub the house down with bleach daily...not all of it but the important areas like kitchen and bathrooms. I do it right before he comes home so he can smell it when he walks in the door. The kids and I do a mad dash to sweep and pick up everything right before he comes in. I have found this helps with the emotional outbursts when he first gets home and besides..nothing wrong with a clean house anyway.

He is good about his medications we just need to find the right ones. He is aware that he needs help and is accepting of finding it...just not the therapy. That will take some convincing.

I have a positive view most of the time but you know I'd be lying if I said it was all positivity covered in rainbows and unicorns. It's hard...really hard. Some days I don't think I can take another day with him...some days I take the kids and we go hide at the library or his mom's house..anywhere but home. Some days I seriously think about bashing him in the head with my cast iron skillet...twice. But even when I'm mad as hell and "punish" him by refusing to go to bed when he does (he hates that) I walk in our room and see him asleep and I just melt. There is such peace on his face and I sit down in my computer chair and just watch him sleep for awhile. I normally have a good cry to relieve my tension and I let it go. He's just a man...a person who didn't ask to be this way and no matter what he throws at me I still love him. So many people have thrown him away in his life...I refuse to be another one. In fits of rage he loves to throw in my face how weak he thinks I am because I don't fight him. But I'm going to show him I'm the toughest b**ch he's ever met because I'm the one who's going to stay.

My friend Jennifer is married to a man who has Bipolar 1. I talk with her often. They have been married for 13 years. At a time when I was seriously doubting whether or not I wanted to deal with this for the rest of my life I asked her just one question. Would you marry him again? She said yes. That's all I needed to know. I know that this will not be easy. I know that it will be a constant battle against this disorder and that there is no fix it pill or cure. I know the divorce rate is astronomical in this situation. I've done hours and hours of research. Most couples meet and marry and then find out the worst the other has to offer. This is different. I've lived day in and out with him unmedicated for 6 months. I've seen the worst he has to offer several times and I'm still here. I am still marrying him in 2 days.

I know that it takes much more than love to make a marriage work in the best of circumstances. I figure I have 4 things going for me. I'm a redhead...I'm Irish...I have formal education in this area and he is providing the experience...and most importantly I am madly head over heels in love with him and have no desire to leave him. Those 4 things put together with some Wellbutrin added in equals a determination that just won't quit.

_______________________________________

Wonderful response. He'd truly be out of his mind to ever let a woman like
you get away.

I wish you all the best.

(At times, it might be helpful to rely on some spiritual support through the
years; it's all about love, you know. The whole thing; we've either got
it or we haven't. You've got it, lady!)

[holdingonhope]

I'm definitely a fighter just a quiet one...unless provoked. I tell him all the time how lucky he is to have me and most of the time he agrees...but I'm lucky to have him too. He says I'm good for him and he's good for me too. I tend to be a procrastinator and lazy at times. I don't mind clutter and absolutely would rather give birth 10 times without any medication than clean my house. I am so burnt out on school that I stopped trying and failed a class..that I know have to take over costing me time and money. I was furious with myself but not as furious as he was with me and rightly so. He pushes me..not always the way I want but pushes me just the same. In his own way he makes me a better person...a better version of me. And he says I do the same for him.

We had a pretty rough day yesterday...he tried to beat up the pork chops??? Ya not sure on that one but apparently one must have offended him somehow? Not sure..anyway..it was just a bad night. This morning I woke up and he left me a card I keep on our dresser on his pillow and a note that said I'm sorry..again. (He has a witty sense of humor). The card says:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake."

It's my favorite line from Eat, Love, Pray. It certainly fits us to perfection.

Spiritual support is slow in coming but that's my fault. I need to pay better attention to it. I have prayed more in recent months than I have in a long time. I appreciate the prayers. I'm going to need them.

You're going to be fine.
Welcome aboard.

[holdingonhope]

What I feared most would happen has happened. He went into a rage tonight because some shorts he wanted weren't clean. We got into it and he called off the wedding..again. Said he's moving out tomorrow. I wouldn't be so worried about this but our wedding is tomorrow. What if he doesn't snap out of it before then? He is sleeping on the couch tonight. He's never done that before.

Oh, me, Holdingonhope. It's just not rational behavior.

I hope to goodness he will come out of it by this afternoon. It has to be
extremely frustrating for you. Surely he will come back hoping for forgiveness by
tonight.

Do you think it would help to ask his psychiatrist if a visit tomorrow early in the A.M.
would enable him to function rationally?

Prayer going up that he will drop the "all or nothing" mentality today and that you will be comforted. That type thinking is one that needs to be overcome; maybe he can work with his psychiatrist about that after the wedding.

I feel sure the marriage will occur if he thinks at all about his conduct today.

[holdingonhope]

We are supposed to leave for my parents..where the wedding is..as soon as he gets off work. He didn't say a word to me this morning and nothing so far today. He has an appointment with a psychiatrist but not until mid-August. Just trying to made do till then. I am horribly frustrated. All that time and money will be wasted if he doesn't snap out of it before tonight.

Prayers going up intermittently during the day for both of you.

Keep posting as you need.

[holdingonhope]

Still not speaking to me. I am a planner...I hate not knowing the plan. Packing anyway. If he refuses to go I will still go with the kids and I guess we will just have a big party. IDK. I hate this. :*(

[A Red Panda]

Awww holding, I'm so sorry! I hope that he snaps out of it. I'm gonna guess that this is his version of last-minute-jitters.

Tell him he can pack and move out tomorrow if he insists, but that today is wedding day and he has to go through with that. Maybe delay-tactics could get him through it.

[holdingonhope]

He finally called me after his mother called and racked him over the coals. I so adore his mother. He was still very nasty but told me the wedding was still on but he wasn't happy about it and if I wanted a husband tomorrow i'd better keep my mother f*ing mouth shut the rest of the day. Now how could a girl resist an invitation like that?? So charming.

I love him...but I hate him too. He'll get over it like he always does and be sorry and all will be well until the next episode. At least after tomorrow I can get him on the insurance and get him to a psychiatrist.

Still hoping for the best even with a bruised and battered heart.

[A Red Panda]

It'll get better once he starts with the psychiatrist and gets some ways sorted out to help be more stable.

And... in the long run... you'll be able to go years down the road "Remember how you told me just before our wedding to keep my f****** mouth shut all day? Yeah. You just remember that. Take a loot at that wedding picture and remember that I STILL married your sorry butt!"

[holdingonhope]

Very true! Does give me a bit of leverage, huh. All about perspective.

[A Red Panda]

Yeah. I'm hoping he'll be more pleasant once he's there. Wedding stress is never fun (and goodness you've got more than the average share of it!) but usually once the ceremony gets started the stress level goes down. So he might be a grumpy SOB while he's standing at the alter, but I'm going to guess/hope that once he sees you coming down the aisle he'll snap out of it

My prayers have been answered, sorta'.

Now, what's the plan for helping him understand that it's just not right or kind or anything
else to give a bipolar blast at the woman you love.

How about a joint meeting with the psychiatrist in August to discuss ways to get anger
out without taking it out in cursing or hurting one's dearest?

And how about having him understand that his words hurt terribly when he releases them
like a thunder bolt; they can kill tender love.

He's got to find a positive way to release his anger. Cutting down a tree released a lot
of anger in my husband, and he never lost his temper around women. He was
pretty stable with men, too. Mine made a conscious effort to be kind; I can't tell you
how much love grows with that kind of understanding in a man.

It's a project he might find helpful in keeping his heart healthy in the long run.

I hope it's a perfect day tomorrow. May God go with you.

Keep in touch, please.

[holdingonhope]

Ches ~ There is always hope I guess. Just because I'm not stressed enough our wedding rings didn't arrive as they should have. Now we have no rings for tomorrow or I'm going to have to run to walmart and buy the cheapest they have until they get here. Kinda kills the symbolism of putting them on however. I'm not happy. I'm starting to think maybe this is just isn't supposed to happen..sigh. But that's defeatist talk...or common sense? Not sure.

Genetic ~ The plan is that right now I have no plan. I have tried to talk to him about it till I'm blue in the face. He always answers one of three ways. If he's in a calm state he says he understands and will work on it or he says that he told me before we dated that any woman he was with had to have thick skin. If he's in a rage...he says he doesn't give a *. Those are my choices.

I fully intend on addressing this with the psychiatrist but addressing it with him further is about as useful as a lead balloon. K isn't exactly a warm and fuzzy kinda guy. Expecting sentiment from him even when he's in a great mood is folly. I mean he can be sweet and sentimental sometimes but it's very rare and usually only when he's in a depression which again is rare. He's tough..inside and out. Trying to appeal to him through emotion isn't really going to work because when he's doing it..he couldn't care less who he's hurting. He goes for the kill with his words every time. That's why I just walk away.

His weight bench helps. He fights a lot of demons on it when he's having an episode. Just works out till he can't anymore...and that takes a while. I fell for him fast and hard and I love him with all my heart and soul but that doesn't mean he's an easy man to love even on the best of days.