leaving a manic phase i guess

Hey, new here, just need someone to listen to me vent, thanks for reading this or giving any help. I don't expect y'all to understand me completely, I just hope I can vent. I am so broken right now. Only was to describe myself, broken
I have always been broken and after 17 years of searching, I found the one man that loved me and my brokenness. Zack is my air, I breathe him, so I hope he doesn't think this is directed at him (in case he reads this) I love you, I am just crazy and need to vent.
I feel likelife is playing a cruel joke. I endured hell as a child and put myself thru hell as a teen. I never understood why I was how I was and did not have the guidance to help me figure it out. I finally start putting the pieces of my past together and living a blessed life w my hubby when my dad dies, a month later, we r pregnant w third n final child, after her birth things get rough I go to work life falls apart I found out I have avm in my brain a year later no not avm but a tumor, benign, not gonna touch it, live life see u every three months, no meds for depression or bipolar. I call family and friends, they got a list of things they want me to do for them and I am so sad, really didn't expect this.

Welcome! I am wondering what your symptoms were when you were in a manic phase.

I was kind of delusional, I literally had myself convinced of certain things that later turned outnot to be true. I was running on little sleep, maybe five hour a night with frequent wake ups amf pacing thefloor
I would have the day planned and have a meltdown if anything changed. I stayed to myself and increased my solitary time to the point my kids make me nervous now. This past week I have non stop crying and very depressed. Everything seems to be going wrong right now

I have so been there, and will likely be back there again. Today is a good day, but that doesnt mean that tomorrow will be. I also was dx with an adenoma in my brain on my pituitary gland. they told me i have to take a pill once a week to help shrink it and see me back in a few months to keep an eye on it. I am sorry you are hurting today. I have 3 kids myself, they are not with me right now, they are at their dads because my bipolar is so out of control, i still have custody but he is keeping them for awhile until i get better under control. How old are your kids? I am glad you have a husband you are so in love with. I do too, and he has literally had to pick me up off the floor sometimes. Try hard to remember in this moment things may seem hopeless, but this too shall pass. I know that is SO hard to do, but I pray that you will be on the upswing soon. Happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time, life aint always beautiful but its a beautiful ride. Hang in there!!!!!!!

You can't take meds because of your tumor or just haven't been given medication? I'm sorry your family and friends are putting so much pressure on you. Is there a way you can tell them you need to relax to collect yourself?

I have not been given meds, the doctors here haven't heard of an avm so didntwant to give me a medicine that could affect it in some way. Thank you both for responding, and your beautiful ridecomment brought a smile to my face, it is my favorite song! Lol, Dewey Cox...

My boys are 7 and 5, my daughter isabout to be 3, I'm 26 but married an older man so I'm a new grandma and have three step kids, one 19 and twin 15 yr Olds. The oldest lived with us until she became pregnant and moved in w fiance. The twins don't live w usbut come over all the time, spend most of the summer here. We live ten min apart so very blessed to be close with them and they are great siblings to lil ones. I am very blessed and lucky, I know, I just can't get over my feelings or thought pattern, I suppressed my emotions and all for over four years before I had a breakdown. It has been a couple years since the breakdown and I was at least numb and ignoring myself when the avm was diagnosed and my anxiety spun out of control! I have panic attacks about leaving my house or making changes to plans and stay tense all the time now. I can't sleep. I had to start self medicating because it was getting out of control. I'm now trying to find a Dr that will treat me and not cost a fortune.

I'm hoping this site will bring some friends that are going thru similar feelings. Mental illness runs in my family but none I can talk to, my mom was quite a huge part in my ptsd from childhood and I still see her occasionally, my dad died so not much family on my side, only child. My Hubby's family lives away and the small group we have we thought were our family have totally **** on us during this tough time of our life. Before we found out my avm is inoperable, I was having to pay family to watch my kids so I could have scans and tests, was total crap. When we found out itsgotta stay in there and I gotta live with the symptoms, no one reacted. And it's not like I haven't been there for them. When my aunt had cervical cancer I took in her kids, brought them things, went over just to clean n cook while she was on the mend. I'm not a selfish person , I can't say no to people, honestly, so I bend over backwards for people and it just took me by surprise how some people have responded ...