I am so down and overwhelmed

I started the day crying so hard and so long, I could not catch my breath. I try to explain to the few people in my life that it is like I went to sleep when my son died in January and that I just woke up and facing the loss head on for the first time. Images of finding him blue on the floor are constantly in front of me like they are on HD TV.

Traditionally with my bipolar this time of year is always the worst for me. I go into a bad mixed state. All of my suicide attempts have been in the summer.

I am trying so hard to deal with this constructively, but it is hard.
I did call my PDOC this morning. His solution is to put me on Cloziril. Cloziril is for schizophrenia and is so dangerous that you have to have blood tests every week before you can get next weeks pills. It is also a huge weight gainer, I am trying to lose the 90 pounds from the Seroquel. What an idiot , I don't know why I even ask for his help. I spent 2 hours on the Internet trying to find a grief counselor in my area. You put in grief and loss counselors and your area. You get pages of people, but when you go to their bios that isn't in their area of expertise.

I want to do things in my mind, but physically I am exhausted. Don't ask me why. The house is a mess and that is being nice, filthy is better. I am a mess, I usually care about my appearance.
It seems like so many things are out of order and I don't have the slightest idea where to start.

I hated the vacation in Maine, I felt too far from my son. I don't know if I will ever be able to let him go. As long as I sit in the house some part of me says he is still here, just sleeping or something.

I am supposed to go over my step mothers for dinner. My brother and his wife will be there. I am sitting on the couch trying hard to get up and get a shower. I don't know if I can put on anything near a happy face today.

I do think of suicide a lot these last two weeks, but I think about how Jason looked when we found him. I would not want anyone to find me like that.

I can't comprehend how a parent could ever go on in life after losing their only child. Nothing I mean nothing means a darn. Life now is just a series of breathing in and out and nothing more.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. As the mother of an only child, I would be like you if something were to happen to her. The loss you feel must be unbarable. I hope you find a grief counsler soon and get some relief.
Gayle

I am so sorry for your loss, and I know how you feel. My youngest died 11/1/10. He was bipolar, out of mood stabilizers, and rapid cycling. Because he also felt suicidal, he call 911. He did....not his fiance, but he did. He recognized he needed treatment. And for that, he was killed in the hospital. He had a .10 alcohol level, was positive for diazepam (had a prescription). The dr. oldered Klonopin and when my son said his back was hurting, the dr order 80 mg of oxycontin. They assigned a sitter to watch him until he could be transferred, but she didn't watch him. He went into respiratory arrest due to the combination of drugs and she was sitting in the chair next to him and she didn't even notice it.
My oldest son died 2/5/13. I do know how you feel. I am not doing too good either. And I don't think I'll ever get over this.
Not a cheerful, supportive response. I probably shouldn't post it. But I am so consumed by the death of my boys that I feel I have to tell you that you are not alone. The pain is real, intense, and unyielding. My heart goes out to you.

I cant imagine the agony you face each day trying to cope with your loss and face your illness at the same time. please keep posting for support. we are here for you. as you have been, you just do the best you can do each day. work on not judging yourself too harshly. you deserve a break. treat yourself kindly.

Hugs to you. I hope the right name/number of a good grief counselor and support group appears before you somehow. Just keep looking. What if you even tried one where it isn't their specialty just enough to get you by for now. All the while, continue searching for a counselor who does specialize in that area. Something is better than nothing when life feels empty, no?

My heart goes out to you...

I'm sorry speed I'm here for you as the rest of us are are you going to try that new med

Try "In Touch Daily" again, Speed, or "Hazeldon.org" for daily uplifting thoughts.

When you shower tonight before going out for dinner, picture in your mind all
the negativity of the day just washing off you as the suds and hot water drain from your body.
That has unusual cleansing effects for the psyche for some.

I know it's hard, and I know you're in pain. Prayer going up now for a peaceful
evening, restful sleep, and a strengthening of your faith each day.

Thank you for listening. Today is a better day. The dinner at my step moms was actually enjoyable. I just got a shower and threw on some sweats, but I made it. It was good food, good people, sharing some old memories with a few laughs. We are going to do it once a month switching off who makes the main entree.

I think I found a therapist who specializes in Grief and Loss. She is a Psychologist and is 5 minutes away. I have Blue Cross Personal Choice. She isn't Personal Choice but is considered out of network. This means I get reimbursed for 70% of her fee now that I have met my deductible.

I am waiting for her to call back today to finalize things and make my first appointment. This is giving me some much needed hope.

I still feel physically exhausted. I haven't seen my GP in awhile. I should make an appointment with him to make sure nothing physical is going on.

I have all the stuff to start the Chris Powell 12 week weight challenge. But I think I want to get started with the therapist first and see my GP first.
Once I start I want to stay on it, not have really bad days and go back to old habits.

It is amazing what one day can do. That is why suicide is so tragic. What is the saying ' a permanent solution to a temporary situation'.

Love you all

YAY! I am so glad to hear that you had an enjoyable time! And fyi - I totally just managed to shower and ran out to do my shopping with no makeup, and my soaking wet hair pulled up in a clip. It wasn't even brushed.

And the psychologist only being 5 mins away? That is exellent for accessibility!

Thinking of you, sending love

wow that is some pretty heavy stuff. My heart goes out to you and lots of hugs.

I'm so glad you may have finally found help you need and you were able to have fun.

Back to looking. The psychologist/grief counselor doesn't want to take me on. She only works two days a week. When I told her I have unstable bipolar she opted out of taking me on. She felt my case would be too complicated and doesn't like any calls or crises outside of office visits costing 120.00.

I am still feeling exhausted not up to looking today.

My husband is very mad at me he says I should not have told her about the bipolar. He is yelling, cursing on and on. It would be more helpful if he helped me look.

*ahem* Your husband is a stupid jerkface *ahem*

Of course you should have told her about it - what's the point in going to see her, only to learn that she's going to be UTTERLY useless to you and drop you like a pin the moment she learned about it? You're saving yourself time AND money.

And she only works two days a week and won't take any communication at all outside of visits? Does she not understand that it's NOT HOW IT WORKS?! And she calls herself a GRIEF counsellor?

Honestly, you've dodged a bullet with that one.

Your husband sounds like he needs to see someone about anger management btw. And possibly someone to talk to about the loss as well. He shouldn't be taking everything out on you like he is.

Thank You

I could not have said it better !
Yes he needs to see someone in my mind .
I rather feel people out on the phone than go to sessions, spend money than find out it wasn't the right fit.

He is disappointed, well so am I. I was the one that spent 2 hours looking.

Can you have your husband go to that grief counselor? Someone posted about "pretty padded room" therapy and maybe that's an option while looking?

You know the saying, "you have to kiss a lot of frogs..." ... Therapists are like that too, but keep looking & there is a right match out there for you! I've been where you are, trying to find therapists or new pdocs, it can get so discouraging when they turn you down, and I felt rejected!

Do they have Mindfulness Therapists in your area? That was a great type of therapy for me, mixed talk therapy with teaching me to tune into my body & listen to what body telling me & new meditation techniques. She was really good. It got hard sometimes, the week in between sessions was good to give me time to process what we'd just done in session.

About hubby... I've learned men want to fix things... When we tell them a problem or our feelings - their go-to place is "I must fix this!" Then he internalized it and freaked out and made it all about him, cuz it's not something he can fix!

So, what I say when they start going there is, "I'm not looking for you to fix this for me, I know you want to help, but it's not something easily fixed. I just need you to listen & let me vent & helps me process what I'm feeling... and thank you for being here and caring about me."

You're really hanging in there & motivated. The right therapist can be a miracle worker, or they help you find the miracle worker healer within - you were right about what a difference a day can make. Bipolar is so fun right... We should always try to remember, this feeling right now, as intense as it may be, might be a little better tomorrow, or at least different. Or even if it is just as intense feeling tomorrow, I might be able to react or process it in a different way. I am inspired by your efforts and proud of you!