[deepestwaters40]

I'm still young and it feels like I've gone through more than any normal person would in a life time. I have fought so hard for so long but it's never good enough. I'm always back where I started. But I just want to feel like me again. I don't want to have to deal with doctors and my symptoms and how I feel anymore. I just want it to all be over. I feel so stuck. When's it going to get better? Who knows because I sure don't know. The real question...is it going to get better? It sure doesn't feel like it right now. I don't even know who I am anymore. When did my life get so bad that everything I ever do is to keep coping?

I'm finally on a proper med but I feel too impatient to wait for it work. You have to go up on it slowly and I can't stand not knowing if the stuff will even work.

I hate this roller coaster that is my life. Can it please just stop now?

Anyone have a story of how it got better in there life after feeling like this? I would really appreciate it. It feels like it will never get better.

[gayleggg]

Welcome, deepestwaters40. I can tell you it can get better. I've been where you are, unfortunately, more than once, but is can always get better. Right now I am again severly depressed, but am starting a new med and hope it works. Know how you feel about having to wait to see if it's going to work. I'm bipolar so it's not surprising that I go through deep depressions periodically, but do know there is hope that my mood will come back up to normal again. Good luck to you on your journey. It is not always an easy one.

[deepestwaters40]

I think I'm severely depressed too...it just been a while since I've felt this bad. I'm diagnosed with bipolar 2. Never really started proper treatment of medication until recently because it's been hard to find a doctor who knows what's really going on with me and how to treat it. I'm finally starting a mood stabilizer now with a doctor who knows what he's talking about. Before I've just been on an AD. There was a time when one doc through in a mood stabilizer and I leveled for a while but then I got depressed again and he just kept me on the AD. Glad I have a better one now.

[catsrhelm]

deepestwaters40, it will get better with treatment and time. I know what you have been through, because I have bi-polar I. Mood stabilizers do take time and patience because I am on one called Tegretol, and that really tried my patience. However, I am better now.

[Skittles56]

I just came out of a depression that lasted over a year. I felt exactly as you did. I wanted it to stop and let me get back to "normal." I can only tell you that with the right meds, it will get better eventually.

You said you are on a mood stabilizer. Which one is it? Some of them take quite a while, sometimes several weeks to start working.

Patience is a hard thing to have but hold on and give the medicines a chance to kick in. It does get better, you can feel better, don't settle for kind of ok, work with your dr to get you where you feel good, can take care of activities of daily living with no problems and like doing things again. There's lots of medicines so if one doesn't work a different one might. Also remember bipolar is cyclical so there will always be ups and dips, we just work really hard to make them small and short lived.

[BipolaRNurse]

Just remember that when your brain is telling you that life will never get better, it is lying to you. Bipolar brains have a way of doing that. (The flip side to this, unfortunately, is that when we're over the moon and having a GREAT TIME! our brains are lying to us then, too.) Your mantra needs to be This, too, shall pass. It always does. As a PP said, bipolar is cyclical by nature, and this phase will not last forever. I promise.

[deepestwaters40]

Thanks for the replies everyone! This morning was rough. I saw my t for my appt just after I started this thread. Between typing on here and talking to her it feels a bit better to get it out. And of course your replies are very encouraging.

Skittles56, I just started on lamictal. Dr said your supposed to go up on it slow. There's some kind of risk of a crazy insane side affect of a disease that can kill you if you don't on 25mg atm...working my way to 150mg.

trazadone for sleep as well. we stopped the ad so I'm experiencing withdrawal too.

[yellowfrog268]

deepestwater,

It may help to realize that who we are is never set in stone. We are all works in progress.

Hugs to you and I hope you feel better soon.

[manic_me]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am coming off of a manic episode and trying to keep myself from tail sliding into a depression. It's definitely not easy, and I feel just as you. I unfortunately don't have a doctor, so my advice is based on experience alone. I try as hard as I can to not think about the past or the future. I just try and focus on the now. I try to remind myself everyday that just getting out of bed and doing my make up or showering is better than nothing. I also try and sit in the sun and see the beauty around me rather than dwell in my own dark, depressing, negative mind. Exercise and a routine can also help lessen the discouraging feelings. Now, this doesn't always help, but it has never hurt to try! I really hope this helps even a little, and wish you the best of luck. At the least, just remember you are not alone! No matter how dark and lonely it may seem....

[TombE]

I have learned to cope with my bipolar throughout the years. Through medication, therapy, and trial-and-error/ It WILL get better. You just have to make the conscious effort to better yourself and discover the right coping methods. It's hard work and not easy at all, but in time you will feel so much better. I don't have as many breakdowns as I have in the past. I have cut things and people from my life in order to continue my journey for healing. In all honesty, it will never go away. You just become better at adapting to it. I wish you luck.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm on an upswing so bare with me. I don't know how old you are but I'm 30, how I got here who the **** knows:
- I had several expiration dates surpassed each one.
- Spent several years bouncing from place to place because of a very stupid impulsive decision
- found my husband, had our son then moved cross country on a whim and $500
- Bounced around from state to landed in Ohio
- In Ohio I was put on depression meds, then mood stabilizers, then depression meds.
My husband was on depression medication
- Bounced around, ditched meds, they weren't helping anyway,
-Enter WV, Husband was able to stick to a job for longer then 2 months, we settled into a place and made a home
- Husband went manic and required a note to continue working. So he went to the local clinic, started therapy and meds but was/is not released to work. I was going with him to his appointments. My husband was given a warning that I'd crash.
- Was convinced to go to intake before the crash finally put on the right meds, w an awesome Pdoc & T

It's been a jumbled up mess for years and we didn't realize until recently what true normal was like. I have a husband have been together for 13 years, have an 11 yr old son. We have our home 4 years and a dog. We have to live really simple but it's good. It completely is not what I expected out of life.

I was suppose to get my animation degree and work for pixar until I blew it and then travel the world through peace corp living off oranges I never planned a family with a kid in tow. I'm not the marrying, kid type but I met my husband I figured if he's willing to follow me how could that hurt. Then a kid or 2 didn't sound that bad we had the money and they're little and can travel. Now 13 years I'm here in the middle of nowhere living a life that I didn't expect but like.

That by no uncertain terms means we're off the roller coaster. It's honestly more like a double roller coaster ride with your best friend. So it does get better but most likely the landing will be in a completely unexpected place then you thought it would be.

[deepestwaters40]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'm on an upswing so bare with me. I don't know how old you are but I'm 30, how I got here who the **** knows:
- I had several expiration dates surpassed each one.
- Spent several years bouncing from place to place because of a very stupid impulsive decision
- found my husband, had our son then moved cross country on a whim and $500
- Bounced around from state to landed in Ohio
- In Ohio I was put on depression meds, then mood stabilizers, then depression meds.
My husband was on depression medication
- Bounced around, ditched meds, they weren't helping anyway,
-Enter WV, Husband was able to stick to a job for longer then 2 months, we settled into a place and made a home
- Husband went manic and required a note to continue working. So he went to the local clinic, started therapy and meds but was/is not released to work. I was going with him to his appointments. My husband was given a warning that I'd crash.
- Was convinced to go to intake before the crash finally put on the right meds, w an awesome Pdoc & T

It's been a jumbled up mess for years and we didn't realize until recently what true normal was like. I have a husband have been together for 13 years, have an 11 yr old son. We have our home 4 years and a dog. We have to live really simple but it's good. It completely is not what I expected out of life.

I was suppose to get my animation degree and work for pixar until I blew it and then travel the world through peace corp living off oranges I never planned a family with a kid in tow. I'm not the marrying, kid type but I met my husband I figured if he's willing to follow me how could that hurt. Then a kid or 2 didn't sound that bad we had the money and they're little and can travel. Now 13 years I'm here in the middle of nowhere living a life that I didn't expect but like.

That by no uncertain terms means we're off the roller coaster. It's honestly more like a double roller coaster ride with your best friend. So it does get better but most likely the landing will be in a completely unexpected place then you thought it would be.

Wow that's insane...I'm glad it's gotten better for you! Your story is very inspiring to me because that's how I feel-like this isn't the life I wanted or chose.

I just turned 19 and have been dealing with ups and downs since I was 12. In time, I hope to be better. Right now I'm just trying the best I can to keep myself going and not give up. Taking one day at a time. It's a slippery slope...but I'll get there.

Thanks for your story

Originally Posted by deepestwaters40

Anyone have a story of how it got better in there life after feeling like this? I would really appreciate it. It feels like it will never get better.

I've been struggling since I was 12 too. I was diagnosed at 18 and medicated ever since. It took 8 years of mucking around with meds and therapy treatment before finding something that worked. I was in your position many times, thinking there was no way out. Eventually we found the right med combination and life has been sweet! Its been no walk in the park trying to retrain my brain from its depressive negative thinking that I was so used to having for more than half my life, but it has been worth it! Life is worth living now and everyday is a gift. It does get better - keep fighting on!

[LonelyJoe]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

Just remember that when your brain is telling you that life will never get better, it is lying to you. Bipolar brains have a way of doing that. (The flip side to this, unfortunately, is that when we're over the moon and having a GREAT TIME! our brains are lying to us then, too.) Your mantra needs to be This, too, shall pass. It always does. As a PP said, bipolar is cyclical by nature, and this phase will not last forever. I promise.

Your post made me smile that's exactly what my brain does, lies to me in the extreme opposite sense, it's so annoying though - I have started to notice it and catch it out, but it's really tough constantly battling your own brain - surely that energy we need to battle our life's obstacles and enemies, not our own brains - I just wish I could find a balance and learn to manage it more effectively in a dynamic way, so I can adapt to it quickly and get it under control fast before I do anything bad or stupid.

But you're right, it always passes, it's the damage done in the meantime I hate (and need to find a way of expediting or making the most of) - I am in a competitive industry, I can't afford my brain conking out every few days!

Joe

[deepestwaters40]

Ever since yesterday I'm on an upswing. hopefully the Lithium kicks in soon cuz I'll be crashing really hard in no time!!! I like feeling so happy. I don't want it to end!!! Good reminder that my brain is lying to me, BipolaRNurse. Wouldn't remember it on my own...and I actually might not remember it any second now!

[Amelie10]

[QUOTE=BipolaRNurse;3273956]Just remember that when your brain is telling you that life will never get better, it is lying to you. Bipolar brains have a way of doing that. (The flip side to this, unfortunately, is that when we're over the moon and having a GREAT TIME! our brains are lying to us then, too.) Your mantra needs to be This, too, shall pass. It always does. As a PP said, bipolar is cyclical by nature, and this phase will not last forever. I promise. [/QUOTE

I always start the day with the long version of the serenity prayer and then as the day goes on and I'm struggling and say - "This too shall pass..." many times a day. It's hard to believe some days, but I know that it is true and I fake it until I make it.