Need some advice / cheering up...

Hi

I have been on my meds since July 22nd.
It took a while for them to kick in - and at a stage i thought i was making progress

My Psychiatrist changed my dosage to
Breakfast:
2 x Serdep 50
1 x 100mg Lamictin

Dinner
2 x Rivotril
1 x Epilim 500 CR

My impulsive / manic deed was to cheat ( emotionally) on my loving husband

I realise now, it is an unforgivable act. At that stage I focused on all the marital problems we have. My husband said we have to work on our marriage - give it our best shot. If it doesn't work, we know we tried our best.

A part of me want to run away because i can't face him everyday. the hurt in his eyes is killing me.

Last night i dreamt i came home and all his bags were packed ready to leave me. I was completely devastated.

I can't forgive myself - I just can't! I just want to run away.

He still loves me. but I don't love myself.

When the realisation of my action actually sunk in i experienced the following effects:

I am so deeply depressed ( even more so before i started taking the meds ) and anxious the whole time. My jaw is clenched giving me headaches and making me nauseous. My palms are sweating and I am trembling so much it is difficult to write

I also realise that this behavior is creating an emotional void between us. He says he can feel me pushing him away.

I wish they made a "forgive yourself pill"

Ultimately I know this will play out one of two ways

1) I pretend that nothing happened and try my best to establish our old routines and times. Even if I have to fake it.

2) I run away - hurting him even more. he deserves better, I actually never felt good enough for him.

Thanks for everyone that took the time to read my thread.
Take care

My impression is that you need to return to your psychiatrist and see if there are additional medication changes that might help you.

That terrible overwhelming sense of guilt is a sign of depression and possibly delusional thinking.The anxiety may be a bipolar symptom or it may be a separate anxiety disorder but clearly the clonazepam you are taking is not working well. My guess is that the anxiety is actually a bipolar symptom but you will have to talk that over with your doctor.

The physical symptoms you are describing of anxiety can be helped with deep breathing, mindfulness techniques, a gratitude list is always helpful. You must force yourself to focus on other things and not blow things like that dream way out of proportion. It was just a dream, that's all.

The reality is that
+your husband has not left you
+he wants to work on the marriage not leave it
+your behavior did not include physically cheating which will make it easier for both of you to heal
+you were sick when you did these things and have to accept that fact
+you are still sick and cannot trust your mind to perceive things accurately or tell you the truth about what's going on around you and about what is best for you
+you need to seek out people you can trust to help you stay focused on reality until you get better

If you do not have a counselor you really, really need to get one for yourself. That person can help you a lot more than someone on a chat forum. Be sure and ask for someone who can teach relaxation techniques or has experience with anxiety and bipolar disorders.

I hope you feel better soon.

Best wishes

The guilt and anxiety are symptoms of bipolar depression. It sounds like you are getting worse and need to go see your doctor. Soon - before you do something you will regret more than whatever has happened so far.

You can forgive yourself, it will just take time. I would suggest counseling to help you get over your guilt.

I can relate to your story, except I actually did cheat on my husband as well as cybersex. I was in a very manic episode that lasted quite sometime. We are still married and he has forgiven me and so have I. I realized I was sick at the time and did things I would not normally do. And that's the way he looked at it too. It was a symptom of the illness. It is history.

So you have to realize that you did these things when you were sick. You take responsibilty and go from there and forgive yourself.

Gayle

Thank you so much. I appreciate your reply so much, as you can relate and know how this feels. It is time to draw a line. I will think of your success as motivation. Much Much Appreciated! have a wonderful evening.

We all do jacked stuff at some point in our life. I think your husband should know how you feel and what the guilt is doing to you. I think if he knows how intensely mournful you are, at bare minimum, he will know you love him deeply enough to have that level of regret. I think that is what I would want to know if my spouse cheated on me. I would want to know that they understand what it did to me and that they feel awful for it. I think that would be a key to moving on for both of you. Forgiving yourself will be tough, but you owe it to yourself to work on it. You are human and trying to live your life...there will be bumps... ((hugs))

Hi your name should actually be Steady instead of Wobbly -Thank you for the sound advice it is really hitting home. I have a new take on the matter know. Yes I have not fully "recovered". I assumed after all this time on the meds I would be "sane" and all the issues/symptoms would have dissipated. I need therapy and friends that is in tune with reality as you say. Thanks again - have a lovely day

You are right. I have to tell him that it is actually the guilt that is causing my distant behavior. I don't want him to think i don't love him anymore. Yes I am human and fallible. Thank you for the reply - take care