[bumble2u]

I wonder has anyone else run away?

I have a plan which I cannot be detailed about for fear of triggers and because there is a point from which you cannot come back.

I think the beginning of it comes from being overwhelmed. My H works away and gets home late. I do the food thing and the taxi thing , taking my sons to extra curricular.
I have tried to decompress, but my H when he comes home has an agenda for everyone, every little thing calculated and evaluated. I can't breathe.

I think I am lazy, slovenly, due to my stupidity my sons are suffering no matter how I love my eldest he will still go out and get high.

I have started to make calculations. How much money can I withdraw which will get me to a certain place. I won't go into what happens when I get there. The more I think the more it is going to happen. I know in my heart life with someone like me is detrimental to the growth and happiness of my sons.

Everyday I'm painfully aware that people don't understand my ramblings, efforts to connect do not work. I feel so hollow with the same breath I feel I can be a key to this universe. I see crazy connections.

So I have the opportunity to go right now. I could just take the car and go. But the thought of my child coming home and being alone breaks my heart. Perhaps I should wait til after their birthdays and then go? I don't know it hurts, all of it.

[Moose72]

Where are you going? Even if you're going to disney world, your problems with be there when you get back.

[bumble2u]

it is a one way deal. mickey mouse would not approve except it does involve whales

[Moose72]

Whales? Cryptic.....

[bumble2u]

I can't explain but where I am going there are whales plenty of them and no humans which is perfect. I long to hear their snuffles and see them crash into the depths I figured I'd join them . the water is arctic , no time once in it. I would float here a la Milais " Ophelia" but they would pull me out. even though sometimes she has her ear resting behind my shoulder and spits water on my back. I'm very tired of fighting , accepting what is infront of my eyes........I am so ready. Breathing hurts.

[Confusedinomicon]

If your plans are becoming solidified it is time to go inpatient or intensive outpatient.

((hugs))

[roads]

It sounds to me as if you and your son are all suffering--not so sure it's because of you, though, bumble2u. You're a stay-at-home mom, no transportation except taxi, a single parent (practically speaking), with a husband who aids in overwhelming you with life.
As you say, he's gone till late. "I have tried to decompress, but my H when he comes home has an agenda for everyone, every little thing calculated and evaluated. I can't breathe." Well, no wonder. Your sons feel the stress from this man as well, I suspect--and are struggling accordingly.
You aren't the source of the problem here, bumble2u. I hope you can get counseling ... or post enough here to discover that you would only make you sons' life's much worse by leaving them to this poorly functioning (and probably very unhappy) man. Add to that abandonment by their mother (how they would perceive it--and blame themselves most likel), and your leaving only makes everything worse for everyone.

Please--get counseling, or stay online here and keep posting until you connect with someone who can relate ans who me young eel a connection with. Talk it out ... everything ... insist that your husband get help through his just insurance. If you must leave, but sure it's as a family--with your sons. Involve them, let them acknowledge their feelings. They must be torn, confused, and angry.

This is a good palace to be. Please use the resource available here, bumble2u. There are good, generous folks here who have been through what you're going through. Hang un.
Roadie

[noclevermonicker]

I know 1000% what you are talking about I truly do. When I was in the depths of my depression and psychosis, this was a plan I went over and over again in my head. But your sons will miss you and your husband too. It would crush your family.

It's time to call you pdoc. Mine just told me a story about after having her twins, she planned the same thing and she was not depressed, so it's not too uncommon to have this dream...then she tweaked my meds

Be good to yourself and make sure to call pdoc!

[BlueInanna]

(((Bumble))) Yes... me too... I wish I could take a break, a week or a month by myself - a peaceful place with the healing of whales could do wonders. Having bp episodes and kids is so so hard. I really wish there was support for moms or dads like us to just get away for a little while, I don't want to be hospitalized, just need to find my mind.

[bumble2u]

Thanks to all of you.
I had my meds up recently as I had fallen back into a depression which has helped somewhat.
Honestly, I think I'm just trying to recover from a two week visit of my husbands's brother and girlfriend.
Both my boys have their birthdays coming up. I feel like a terrible mother admitting this but their birthdays send me into a tail spin. I think it may have something to do with the feelings of dark depression i had when I was pregnant but could not tell anyone.

I also have a new show coming up in my gallery here. The artist in question is particularly needy, though I can understand her worries. I also somehow volunteered myself to do the choir promotional literature, I was having a very outgoing moment.
Oh,and I have a wrap party to organise for the end of October.
I think I'm a little overwhelmed.
It scares me though, my plan is becoming more final. I know I'm becoming more irresponsible like driving a little too fast without a seatbelt.
I miss my old T who I used to do DBt. I could be honest with her. Now I hide or am at a lack of words to say how I really feel to my psych. Not having that input has left me very lonely. My husband has been difficult of late, ( I know he doesn't mean it).
Now I think about my journey everyday. Yesterday I got to a motel and then turned around. Each time it becomes more realistic. I should find something else all encompassing to occupy my mind. But it's like a virus,the thoughts are just spiralling.

[Skittles56]

Sounds like you got your **** together. Well...Mostly together. You had me worried for a minute.

If we didn't have defective brain chemistry, we could just shake it off, but we do, so it's not really that easy.

Make sure you stay on your meds. I would be the last person to recommend inpatient, but it sounds like you are on your bicycle, running into the weeds. If your plans become more solid, strongly consider inpatient.

I have felt the overwhelm myself before, I wanted to run away and was counting the days to the end of a holiday so I could leave but instead found my way to the drs office and medicine helped that time. Call your dr or go inpatient, take care of yourself first.

[A Red Panda]

I consistently want to run away.

I plan out vacations instead - I research them intensively and eventually will save up and go on one in the summer. It helps. I run away and pretend to be not-me for a few weeks, then come back to reality.

It's alright to plan and daydream. But it's not ok to act on the urges when you have responsibilities. If you're really going to act on it, then it's time for some other actions to be taken which I'm sure your psych will help you with.

[Tiger_Lily]

I ran away when I was 19. I just wanted to disappear, but since I also was into pretty intense suicidal ideation and had made an attempt less than a month before, when parents reported me missing to the RCMP, the police took it fairly seriously. I was too afraid to go into a police station and say "stop looking for me," because I thought they would certify me. I ended up being taken to a hospital anyway when I found myself on the ledge of Niagara Falls. I couldn't jump, but I couldn't walk away either. The hospital contacted my doctor and she contacted my parents. All-in-all, I think it's best to confront your problems rather than TRY to run away from them.