[chooky]

No longer will I be a prisoner of my mind.I'm going to take control...no more demons,no more darkness.I'm going to enter the fight of my life,I'm going to take control.Its time now to achieve my goals and be for the first time at peace with myself.All this with the help of my nemesis-Bi-polar-the foe.I'm 45,and am now ready to take control.
My darling of 19yrs,1yr ago this month lost his father to cancer,he was his right arm,and I said youre coping so well how are you doing it?he replied you have to think about it but not for too long and force other thoughts in.That is the wisest thing I've ever heard and it applies to life in general.
Diagnosed BP type 2(although research and questions to the on line doc indicate I swing from 1 to 2.undiagnosed ADHD but again research,talking to ppl etc indicates with no doubt that too.
I choose not to take meds but I don't recommend this option to anyone- I believe with my history and a lot of thinking about the effects of sleep diprivation I have the necessary blocking tools to use the ups(manic)constructively(to achieve my goals)and rack the demons off for good.
If you believe you can do something your'e 1/2 way there.we all have inner strength and I think believing gives you the motivation to draw on it.We need to think about things but it can be dangerous if fwe ponder on bad stuff- I've only read a small chunk of a motivation book a few months ago-but it so far has made snese,everytime you have a bad negatibve thought ,counteract it with a positive thought,the more we do that the better we feel,and it'll become habit.Lifes so much easier without grief of any kind.
years ago I had a revelation and said to my brother "people can only hurt you if you let them"-meaning we choose to think Oh that hurt-low self esteem craves anything to pull you down(more demons)what a shame I never learnt to put that into practise.
I see BP as light and dark,friend and foe.
I said the other day to partner,the basic instinct for all life on earth is survival-if you or any animal is attacked you fight for life...so when someone tries to end their life they must be ina bad way.When I was 15 I attempted my first suicide.within the next 3 yrs I tried 3 more times(on other story I said over 7 yrs,sorry it was 3).I wanted out and was consumed by darkness(although you put a good faceon) and felt I was at the bottom of a cylinder surrounded by blackness- couldnt see any light.There were good times too-this was periodical.At 18 I made a promise to my poor mum,I'd never try agailn,to which I have stuck too,but oh yeah the dark cloukd stayed-raining often.I was undiagnosed at this time.This year it was confirmed.I will never allow my mind to go back there and I have no doubt for that reason a chronic long term(20 yr)compulsive gambling habit,I handled so well as far as blocking the downs.(pokies only.Poker machines)I'm now 2 and 1/2 yrs post gambler but still cant think about them.nothing on this earth came close to the high,but with every up there's a down and gambling creates a sh_t life,trust me.I know now the BP was sustained.Other behaviour in my life now makes sense and sustained the BP and allowed me to keep going on such little sleep,but as all BP's know when you come down,you crash.
This year I finally released myself of guilt(most of it)of how I treated mostly mum and dad too(to a lesser degree)definately had the odd(oppositionl defiance disorder)school was a waste of time(guilt for a coupkle of teacheres too).I was out of control a good chunk of the time.Sad thing for mum and dad(both deceased)were they were fantastic loving supportive parents).I've gone through a lot of jobs due to often probs with bosses,but to be fair I don't think its unreasonable to expect respect when earnt,if I get paid I give 100%.Anyway enough of all that,my goal(never had one before-no motivation-too busy being crazy.LOL.is with my art(believed in it for years now)to make my millions-ok I nearly accept that is grandiose but I say it's only dellussional if it can't be achieved/I'll settle for high triple figured thousands.We want to own a house with a glass(partial)roof so we can see the stars at night.By the time I'm 50 I will have achieved that.People have been blown away when they see the designs so good start.
How?....I can't do this without the mania.It gives me the drive,the means,the ideas the way.The up side of BP I'm going to harness and achieve with,the demons are on there way out.My turn at last for control and peace.enough is enough.
many thanks for listening people,and all the best to you all.

[chooky]

sorry this took so long,at anytime I'm a huge talker but do listen too,but needed to vent out and say what's happening,I'm now caught up again on sleep and still intend to follow through,I mean it,no more demons.

[chooky]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
fayerody said:


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">thanks mate,that's lovely.

[chooky]

fayor,thanks again for your reply and support,I'm not angry or anything but disappointed that I only got one reply of support,it's such a good supportive site this and I feel a little left out,but no probs cause I'm going to beat the demons and take control and win anyway.I did think maybe ppl think I was manic when I wrote it which I was but I'm still determined that I can beat the downs(demons)sounds like I'm a bit loopy but demons is the best description I can think of.thanks again.

[DaveyJones]

Hi, chooky...

Yes, to be honest, I had trouble knowing what to do with your original post. I could have SOMETHING, though, just to acknowledge and affirm if not to help, so please accept my apology. We have all had to beat the demons and make it through the mania...you don't have to do it by yourself any more.

DJ

[MyBestKids2]

Hi,
Just wanted to congratulate you on such a positive outlook on your illness. I wish I had your strength and determination!

[razeljenny]

Chooky, good ideas! No one limits themselves but they don't do anything so that concludes a limit.

Getting rid of the limit may mean for me to stop thinking and start doing what comes next.

Razel doesn't enjoy laying down in bed but knows she has to do that when her schedule starts at 6:30 am, when she has to be somewhere.

Consistency is going to be one way for me to beat a demon. Other than that, I am fine.

Even if I sleep not, I will have tried. I shall lay there, (thinking too much somethimes) yet I am training myself into good structured habits. Behaviourists say that when we make patterns of expected behavior we can change soon if we stick with the routine, (even if it dosen't work fast, eventually it shall) (Pavlov)

I agree, to not ever give up. I will rest when I am down and trust God to awaken me when I need to continue to pursue or to bring in an assisting friend to cover for me, (when my illness makes me sick) Love Razeljenny

[chooky]

many thanks dave,I really appreciate your honesty and support,I will continue to chat on this posting to keep all informed and to know I still have most of my screws in tact.lol.

[chooky]

hello and thankyou to you too,I do appreciate it,support means a lot doesnt it,it gives you the strength I think,I know I can do this,and it won't happen over night but it will happen for sure,just takes some serious rethinking and believing in myself.we all can do it.thanks again.I mean it.

[chooky]

thank you raz,you too sound that youre going to beat this too,you seem to have some positive ideas,I too think too much and I think that's our problem ,thinking too much about the wrong stuff,it becomes addictive.If we think about the good stuff I reckon our minds can be reconditioned,just like an old had it car.lol.cheers for support and thanks for listening.I can't ever get to the point quickly.lol

[chooky]

hi,if or whoever is reading this,just a quick update on progress,really hard but getting there,It won't happen over night,that's for sure,and a lot to work on,but I still believe we all have inner strength in us and I sure do want to rid the demons and will.hope yous have a good day,see yaz sometime soon.

[chooky]

update on the great fight,not going too well,but I still believe it's in me to beat this,but how I feel now is not good.I guess all of our problems are when we get so little sleep,that seems to give the demons their best playground to work.I understand that and usually can use it as a block,but have had so many ups lately,caught up and this last so called manic wasnt manic,just the bloody sleep went haywire for about 2 weeks,felt ok then but now the usual story the down side is the bit*h.If I was all the time type 1 I don't think I could do this without meds,but as hard as it is I'm going to try a bit longer without the meds,if I dont have the ups I can't achieve at making a better life for us,(starting a business with my designs,art).I don't want to give in to the demons,and will continue to fight hard,not easy as we all know.BUT I will soon go and get some help here in Aussie.

[chooky]

oh the joys of manic,and the crap with the downers,I have been having a hard time over the last month,and am starting to realise just how much the manic makes you really believe,but at the mo,against all medical,mental health advice I'm still going without the meds,but am not completely closed to the idea,and if these downers stay just may not be able to pull up and out,but I'm going to try a lot harder first.I'm using this as a kind of diary and anyones welcome to look and chat.

[chooky]

I now realise that when I initially wrote this I was manic,and how powerful the manic belief can be,but I still do think I can beat or at least control this,but still dont want to take meds,although I had a pretty bad downer for a few weeks recently after coming down to earth again,but shall work on the positives and continue to believe I can get a grip on this.

[Fuzzybear]

[bizi]

HI there...I am new to this site...
HOw is it going?
I read your post and want to try to support you the best way that I can.
I am glad to hear that you are BP2...Since full blown mania can lead to pychosis which then becomes unmanageable for me on my own...I can't get myself out of psychosis without help from someone else.
bizi