[manicdepressive07]

Hi everyone. I haven’t posted on here in a few months because well, quite frankly I was doing really well! I was put on Saphris 10mg and got a new job that I’ve been very preoccupied with and everything has been going great… until a few nights ago on Halloween.

Long story short I only got 4 hours of sleep the night before because I worked until 11pm, then had to be AT work at 5:00am for the morning shift so I could go out on Halloween night. After work I took a short nap but couldn’t really sleep, I was anxious about having friends over to “pre party” before we went downtown. Anyway, we had a few shots at my house then went out. The whole night I felt “on edge” and was drinking with my friends but wasn’t having fun. I even had 2 people ask me “what’s wrong” (one was a bouncer at the club) and I said “nothing I’m fine!” But really something WAS wrong, I just wasn’t sure what. Anyway I’m drinking and drinking but I don’t feel the buzz AT ALL. By 11pm my friends are already drunk, and everyone is fighting for a chance to talk and be center of attention and I’m just sitting there staring at the mass of people around us in costumes laughing and having fun and on the inside I kept thinking, “this sucks I wish I was at home in bed with my boyfriend”. It became so overwhelming that I knew I had to leave and apologized to my friends and said I had a headache that I had to go home. I called my boyfriend to tell him to come get me. He picks me up from downtown and I get in the car and immediately start crying! He asks what’s wrong and I just said “I don’t know everything!” He reminds me I’m running on 4 hours of sleep, went out drinking, and I already have anxiety issues in large crowds and there was like a million people out. When I get home I immediately start to feel better, like a weight had been lifted.

Flash forward to the next day, (yesterday) and all day I work I felt “off”. Like really depressed, not wanting to work, wasn’t surfing the web like I usually do when we’re slow instead I was just starring at the screen and kept checking facebook on my phone. (Idk why, facebook always makes me more depressed)

Then today was a little better at work, but I still didn’t feel myself. I start thinking about social situations that are making me upset, (my friend who I texted and apologized about leaving early, I told her why I really left and she never texted me back! Also a girl I had met that night who came out with us still hadn’t accepted my friend request on facebook). I know these are little things and don’t’ seem like a big deal but they were a huge deal to me. Made me feel like “what’s wrong with me, why aren’t people responding to me, why don’t they like me?” Anyway it all became too much and tonight I exploded in tears, uncontrollably, and for seemingly no reason. It's just everything. I’m still really upset. I just feel like a terrible person, and all my problems in life I’m dwelling on and getting really upset over. I feel like nobody likes me and have no “real” friends, I hate my job and I think my boss hates me, just EVERYTHING sucks right now and I feel so hurt and depressed and the pain is almost unbearable. My question is… WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I’m medicated and my meds have been working just fine… I haven’t felt this way since before I was on meds. Am I depressed? Should I be put on antidepressants too? I just feel incredibly sad, worthless, and if I could have it my way I’d sleep in all day tomorrow and not do a damn thing. I'm seriously considering calling in sick even though my boyfriend is advising against it.I’m seeing my doctor in 2 weeks and I’ll let him know what’s going on. I’m just not sure if maybe I need to see another doctor before hand or if this can wait. Anyway thanks for reading if you got this far. I just needed to rant about my feelings and hopefully someone can give me some advice. Thanks.

[polesapart]

I'm really sorry to hear how much you're hurting right now. I think you need to a call your doctor now, and not wait two weeks. Unfortunately even on medication we can have breakthrough episodes.

Take care and get help now, don't risk it getting worse.

[ultramar]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much!

It sounds like you have a lot going on so of course I don't have the whole context, but from the story you tell it sounds like needing to leave that party, perhaps as a result of your anxiety in crowds (I suffer with the same thing) maybe led you to feel badly about yourself -maybe embarrassed in front of your friends? As you say, everyone seemed to be having a good time, it's hard if not impossible for others to understand that kind of anxiety if they're not familiar with it and it can make you (me, people) feel very alone and misunderstood. And to see others enjoying themselves and not being a part of that -feeling different, separate- can be so hard.

Also, the next day you seemed to need reassurance from your friends that things were okay between you (again, feeling bad/embarrassed about leaving the party)?

And all of this started on very little sleep, with a lot of alcohol on board, all of which may have put you in a particularly -emotionally- vulnerable state.

This is what is sounds like to me, or perhaps something along these lines. If so, I'm not sure medication is the problem or the answer. I don't know if it might help to tell a close friend of yours about your anxiety (in crowds, etc.). They may well be very supportive/understanding and it might make you feel better -I don't know if you're worried about what your friends think of you because of leaving the party -if they understood why, it might help. I know when I told a close friend about my anxiety (and why I didn't go out with her more often), I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders, and she was very supportive.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult place, hopefully the sting will lessen with time. And as I say, maybe sharing your anxiety with friends might lessen the load and increase their understanding.

[IndieVisible]

I don't think you really wanted to go out on Halloween nite and simply felt obligated and when the anxiety started you felt you were not gonna let that stop you. I think that's bound to happen when we force ourselves to do some thing we really don't want to do. Then afterwords we feel bad because of the out come of it. I would still talk to your pdoc about it, but I don't think there is any thing terribly wrong with you! That could have happened to any one!

[manicdepressive07]

Thanks for your replies. Ultramar you are right about me wanting assurance from my friends that everything was okay, but that's the problem (and one of the main reasons that started my crying fit) was because I DID reach out and text my friend and tell her about my anxiety issues and that's why I had to leave, and I was hoping for a comforting response but instead I didn't hear back ANYTHING. She never texted me back, and her friend who I had just met that night, I added her on facebook because she was going to upload a pic we were all in together and I wanted to be tagged in it... I asked her what her last name was in the car on the way downtown cuz I knew she was on facebook and was going to upload the pic, she told me her last name and I added her and she never responded to my friend request :/ She was on her phone taking pics and on fb the whole night and never added me, and still hasn't. I know those are trivial things, (not getting texted back and not having someone accept my friend request) but when I'm already in an emotionally vulnerable state it just makes it so much worse you know?

And Indievisble you're totally right! I don't think I wanted to go out in the first place but felt obligated, and with all the people, running on such little sleep and drinking, I just go overwhelmed and had to leave.

Anyway I left a message at my doctors office and said I couldn't see my doctor for 2 weeks but asked if I could have an emergency apt with another dr in the office. I'm going to ask about being put on antidepressants. This "depressive episode" definitely got triggered on halloween and I haven't felt the same since :/

[Confusedinomicon]

Honestly if you know that this was triggered by the environment, seeking a therapist would help more then a med change. Meds don't teach you how to deal with emotions. Meds alleviate the feelings. Learning how to cope with those feelings will make you feel better about yourself and give you confidence.

I am sensitive to rejection myself, and have learned to come to terms with negative thoughts. I precieve rejection when I haven't been rejected. I have learned coping mechanisms to counteract those feelings of rejection. The feeling isn't invalidated because its how I feel. What I feel is what's real. How I respond to the feeling is the real test.

Also antidepressants generally take 4-6 weeks to fully work. If you were to feel better after a few dosages it would be a placebo effect.

[catsrhelm]

Sounds to me you are cycling between mania and depression. A mood stabilizer would work better for you. However, they can take about two weeks or more to work well. You may have to be put on Abilify too. I do hope you see a psychiatrist and get medicated right.

[gayleggg]

I think that the alcohol may have played a big part in it. It can be a depressant and can cause anxiety, especially with so little sleep. And you are on medications that you shouldn't be drinking while taking. Could take a few days to get back to normal, but check with your doctor.

[ultramar]

It really sounds to me that you're having perfectly understandable reactions to what is going on: anxiety triggered by the crowds, lack of support from someone you made yourself vulnerable to in sharing your struggle with the anxiety, and then lack of response on FB. The combination of anxiety, shame (perhaps?) of that very anxiety, lack of validation and rejection are all perfectly understandable reasons to feel depressed.

For these very reasons, I don't think that adding an AD is the solution to what you're dealing with. You're hurting, and you're allowed to hurt! Maybe try giving yourself permission to feel hurt and down because of what has happened, cry, mourn, seek support from more established friends, do things that make you feel good (whether it's a bubble bath, a run, or lounging in the front of the TV watching a great movie, or whatever floats your boat). I do not mean to minimize your pain, quite the opposite -honor your pain and recognize that this too shall pass, with time, with some work. I don't think medications help with the pain of rejection, of feeling alone in what you feel.

As someone else suggested, seeing a therapist may help you to recognize these triggers that bring you so far down and cope with them -someone who can validate your feelings, help you feel that you're not defective in feeling the way you do, and help you to re-frame this experience and cope with the strong emotions it has brought up. There's hope. It may take more or less time to recover from than with the help of an AD (assuming that would even help), but the effect will be far more lasting, and next time around, it may not hurt so much.

Best of luck and I hope you feel better soon.

[manicdepressive07]

Thanks for all the help and support!

Just to give everyone an update, I already feel immensely better I've had the last 2 days off from work which has helped so I could relax. The only bad thing is I find myself sleeping ALL day. Both today and yesterday I slept in till 2pm. Which sucks because then it gets dark in 3 hours at 5pm lol. Kinda feel like I wasted my day.

But whatever I was going through has passed. It's so weird to think I could have such STRONG emotions and feel like absolute crap, not quite suicidal but feeling of absolute despair and misery, and then a few days later I can feel back to myself again, (aside from the extra sleep, but maybe I just needed it?)

I decided I'm just going to keep my pdoc apt and see him in 2 weeks like I was supposed to, and I made an apt to see my therapist next week.

Also... I texted my friend today and said "Are you mad at me? I opened up to you about something personal and I haven't heard back from you " and she actually texted me right back and said how sorry she was that she was even saying how she needed to text me back today, that she's been super busy with work, but she's sorry I felt that way and isn't mad at me. She even wants to get together for dinner and drinks sometime this week

So everything is a-okay. Sometimes you just need to ride through the emotions, know that they are only temporary, and know that everything WILL get better!

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by manicdepressive07

Thanks for all the help and support!

Just to give everyone an update, I already feel immensely better I've had the last 2 days off from work which has helped so I could relax. The only bad thing is I find myself sleeping ALL day. Both today and yesterday I slept in till 2pm. Which sucks because then it gets dark in 3 hours at 5pm lol. Kinda feel like I wasted my day.

But whatever I was going through has passed. It's so weird to think I could have such STRONG emotions and feel like absolute crap, not quite suicidal but feeling of absolute despair and misery, and then a few days later I can feel back to myself again, (aside from the extra sleep, but maybe I just needed it?)

I decided I'm just going to keep my pdoc apt and see him in 2 weeks like I was supposed to, and I made an apt to see my therapist next week.

Also... I texted my friend today and said "Are you mad at me? I opened up to you about something personal and I haven't heard back from you " and she actually texted me right back and said how sorry she was that she was even saying how she needed to text me back today, that she's been super busy with work, but she's sorry I felt that way and isn't mad at me. She even wants to get together for dinner and drinks sometime this week

So everything is a-okay. Sometimes you just need to ride through the emotions, know that they are only temporary, and know that everything WILL get better!

That's wonderful news! Every time I make it to the other side gives me more confidence that I can do the same next time.

I suspect working things out with your friend helped you a lot recover from this. It's awful to feel misunderstood, judged by our friends --she sounds like a keeper!

[monochromatic]

Just as an FYI, lately whenever I drink I don't really feel it, but the next day I'm super depressed.

I've just stopped drinking, it's a bummer.

[IndieVisible]

I'm glad your ok too! We all go thru some thing like that every now and then and wonder what's going on with us, and usually it does pass.