Chronic Procrastination

Bear with me, I really need some practical help and a bit of a vent. I am having real trouble today, well everyday with procrastination. Today the frustration has just got too much and Im a bawling mess on the couch.

I just cannot get myself going, I cannot force myself to ride my horse. I have been trying for MONTHS. Everyday waking up with a goal to get on that horse. Every day I fail and feel worse and worse, all the time my horse losing muscle condition and gaining far too much fat. I spend a lot of money on her, what is the point when Im not even riding? Its not fair on her, she is far too good to be sitting wasted in a paddock.

I have tried being kind to myself, using positive self talk to motivate myself, I've tried using a reward system, I've tried being harsh to myself (this comes easy), I've tried to use my support network to motivate me, I've tried to set up little goals, tried baby steps, I've tried making myself got through the motions (not riding but working her and I always end up so wreaked physically as it is a huge huge struggle to do). I gave these things a real good go, as I said I have been struggling with this for months.

I do want to ride her, I miss riding her, I miss our connection and the flying through the air over jumps. I know she misses it too, and that brings on the guilt. I really do WANT to do it but cant seem to MAKE myself do it. I am truly stuck, there is just no way I can push myself more than I am. I end up a frustrated bawling mess and nothing can relieve me besides meds or drugs, which then leads to more sitting on the couch...

I can logically see the bad behaviour patterns, I can logically tell myself action breeds motivation but I just absolutely cannot get myself going. I need more help than I can give myself. I have started an online procrastination course, but the reasons they have outlined that cause procrastination do not fit me, I dont know why I cant get moving, I dont know why I keep getting distracted from my task, I dont know why it is so difficult.

Im writing this when highly frustrated so I am sorry for the ranty nature. I have no depression or anxiety today, there is no excuse for me not riding (or even getting off the couch). I honestly have tried my absolute hardest to get myself going but it is just not working. Please can anyone relate? How did you manage to get going?

I cant stop crying, my head is killing me, I feel weak and dizzy, I hate getting so worked up! It ruins my day, and today there is a special social event on which I now have to miss celebrating because I feel I let myself get so worked up. This is pure frustration!

When you don't feel like riding do you still spend time with your horse? I have a lawn chair in my barn and I loved to listen to Dusty munch his hay and grain. Often he would let out little sighs and he seemed quite content. Other times I would take him out on a lead rope and walk around the farm. I actually enjoyed interacting with him on the ground more than riding.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

Lol I just made a thread and noticed you did too about the same subject. I'm sorry you feel that way and I'm struggling too. Do you think it could be depression?

Also, am I in trouble for making a similar thread?

Yeah I still spend time with her - but not much. About an hour a day, cuddles and carrots in the morning, brushing and chatting while mucking out yards (she likes to help) in the afternoon. I have done some groundwork with her but only about twice a week at the most. She nickers at me when I go in the paddock with a halter, like she is so excited to be doing something.

Haha I havent seen your thread but will check it out, not in trouble at all!

I started having trouble with riding when I crashed a few months back. I got out of that depression and Im stable but I am having really bad PMDD when it gets to that time of the month. I get depressed for a week or two, then magically feel better once the hormones settle. But its hard for me to get back into a well routine and once I finally do I am back to being depressed and doing as little as possible. When I am depressed the ruminating, guilt and self blame for not riding is unbearable, I think riding will make this disappear, but I still cant seem to do it. I am not depressed today in terms of my normal symptoms.

Im wondering this afternoon if I should just clean all my tack up, its covered in cobwebs. If I clean it today its one less job I have to do before I get on...

You should go play with your horses, that should cheer you up

This is the problem, I cant make myself go and play with her, I have been trying all day. Its why I made this thread. The days I am able force myself to do groundwork with her are few and far between. Its not enjoyable, I end up thinking that a useless halfhearted session with her is worse than having just left her in the paddock. I want to ride but cant and I dont know WHY?

Im about to go and muck out and give her a brush and dinner, but then I just see how unfit and fat she is and feel more guilty, stable her for the night then come back and hide in my house telling myself that I'll ride her for sure tomorrow...

Can you get someone else to ride your horse while your under the weather? Then you won't feel so guilty.

Sometimes when I start feeling guilty about not doing homework I just can't bring myself to do it because the guilt just makes me want to cry--I often do/will.
Best,
Lillyleaf

Due to the crazy insurance regulations these days I cant let anyone else ride her on this property. My partner can as he is covered but he works, and has little interest on riding on his own. Its a good suggestion though, and something that would have worked well 15 years ago before all this insurance ********. The whole world is changing for the worse, I know I wont have the opportunities to ride, like I do now in the future.

I know you've already tried this, but what comes to my mind (especially given the awful cycle of guilt, I know what that's like ) is going in baby steps. I know you've tried it, but maybe if you could be super-specific about it. If you make, each day, with your morning coffee or whatever, a tiny list of what you will do that day with the horse. Feeding her 1 carrot. Period. Grooming one part of her, not all (if this is possible?) and finishing another day. Tiny things, but that you can do. Have that wondrous moment afterwards of crossing it out. Really little things. Half a carrot! I know what it's like for each little thing to be a triumph -and each little thing you do will be a triumph!

Also, maybe at the beginning of the weak, from the outset, allow yourself a day or two (or three) free of any obligations of the horse. So you don't feel that you have to do something -however small- every day. Give yourself days off from it all. And try to spend those days, which you have marked previously as a 'day off' enjoying yourself *without guilt.* Even if it's lounging on the couch that day. Or picking a specific movie or show to watch on the couch that day. That too, is a triumph.

I really do know what it's like. I often write in my journal when I get home from work: "I made it through." Just that. I went to work, I made it through a whole day at work, I came home. "I made it through." And it's a triumph that most people could never understand.

I get it, though, and I know you can 'make it through' too, whatever little thing you put your mind to, on a given day.

I am the queen of procrastination! When I just know I am not going to do something, I ask a friend to come over and get me started. It doesn't matter if its cleaning, doing paperwork, making a dreaded phone call or going to the gym, a friend may be what will help. If they get the carrot out of the fridge and put it in your hand, chill for a moment, walk you outside, chill a bit, and take the next step, etc.! Do you have a friend that can do that for you?

Thanks guys, I have tried both of those suggestions but Im so stuck it is certainly worth trying again.

Yesterday I went out, let her out of her paddock and brushed her. Today is a day off from her (besides the basic care - feeding, rugging, mucking out). Tomorrow is a good day to work with her as I can take her to work in the morning with me and might see her as part of my job that way. In 2 weeks I will be going away so I will have almost a whole week completely away from her (surefire way for me to miss her/riding).

My friends have tried to get me out, I'll see if my neighbour or partner can physically come and get me. Many times my friends have been waiting at the horses (which is just a few minutes walk away) for me to come join them but I never get out of the house.

I really appreciate that you have taken the time to reply, as I said, I just cant do this on my own!