[BlueInanna]

Yeah ya think a-hole?? But then I can't stop crying so what is it. I told him it's more of a mixed thing cuz I'm very depressed. But yea everything needs to change NOW! I have to put all the clutter & even the dishes into trash bags & store in the garage tonight. No I don't have time to go to dinner tonight. I have to clean this shizzhole house tonight before I go crazier or blow it up. Save pics of the kids though. Then he wants to talk about how it got this way. He's hurting my brain. Stop. I don't have head space to talk about how I let it get this bad & remind what a failure I am. Must fix it NOW. Finally found the solution. Throw it all in the garage. He says he been trying to get me to go through the boxes already in garage for years. Stop it I can't take it. This is what I'm doing tonight. Bring ur own dinner over & help me or don't. Don't complain that I'm manic later if u do choose to come over. Now I just need to stop crying and get out of this laundrymat. Still have to fold 15 loads. I hate laundry so much. So much.

[~Christina]

Awwww Blue

I'm sorry your going through all this. Do what you want and need to right now .. If bagging things up and it all going in the garage by all means do so.. If he can't understand or be supportive he can just shut up and get out of your way

Stay safe

[choocha]

Aww Sorry Blue that you're going through this right now. I hope it gets better for you soon xo

[Trippin2.0]

((((((( C ))))))))) I'm so sorry you're struggling hun, I second Chris, do what you need to

Love you muchness

[steelfang]

PleAse do remember to take care of yourself during this rough time. I know it can be very hard to do but just making an effort to relax usually helps me. A few minutes of down time really makes a difference to me.

Hang in there!

[BlueInanna]

i don't know how to take care of myself... I really don't so I'm drinking wine now, yea on top of dumb meds, bad me... not the whole bottle, just a couple large glasses with a lot of ice.
cleaning & work is what I need to do. I want Xanax and pain killers, I feel too much, it's too much. how to relax, when everything in me says I don't have time to relax. I can't relax with all the clutter and germs. Years worth.. this big stupid family house with years worth of crap, dad died, mom & sis moved away... and years & years, I still can't get it together.

I think I'm in this mess because I relaxed too much, I indulged in the depression and stared at the wall in bed for months. if I weren't so lazy, we'd not have this problem, the kids would behave, not have legal problems in 2 different counties. my beautiful little daughter was on heroin & I didn't know, now they're threatening 3 years in prison cuz she's tested positive for pot, she's only 19 & the 1 night at the prison after the arrest was traumatic enough for her. they got mad at her for not stopping crying, screw this mean fukt up world.
I am driving her all over the place for drug testing, probation meetings, therapy, pdoc, public defender, court dates, finding an outpatient rehab - they won't allow her to take her klonopin & pdoc is furious but has no power. pdoc has watched my little girl hospitalized twice since age 14. it's a genuine major anxiety disorder, rehabs don't care, if you need a rehab you're treated like a criminal, and criminals are treated like a piece of trash using up the tax dollars. And I'm powerless, and pdoc is powerless.

all the crying what's it for? Because the moon is lonely? What on earth am I to do to help her? I have no power here. why'd he put me here with no power what's the point. the sweet sun, the baby boy shining in ignorant bliss of the death that waits for us all.

the crying spells, she said they're not panic attacks like I thought - it's something else... but she had to be so enigmatic... she hadn't let me know my bp dx yet. I don't understand still, but it makes a little sense, I don't want to accept it. I'm partly sobbing right now because I think I know what she meant... it's true the dx I don't want. no one even knows what it is, why do I have to have it. I still am not sure I believe her dx.

then there's my son, off the meth thank god, but 18 now with a warrant for not going to court. won't quit the pot. even knowing what's at stake for sister. but then she wouldn't quit the pot when he needed her support.

all the horrible memories how do get them to stop playing in my head. can't change it, it's done & time keeps racing forward.

no he wasn't supportive or there for me, didn't answer my call. people just run & hide, they don't know what to do. this is when I usually break up with him, maybe it'll stick this time. I need it to end, everything has to change.

cleaned so much and made many bags, finished at the laundrymat... son yelled at me for the bleach smell in the kitchen. he's always yelling at me. I don't like the bleach either but it had to happen. the nasty germs have to stop, the cat keeps peeing on my coffee maker & cookbooks has to stop. I was sad to throw out my favorite cookbooks from my mom, but I did it, it's done, it had to be done. I once wanted to go to cooking school in France, took 4 years of French and never did anything with it.. beautiful dreams, all gone.

youngest with my mom across the country, I got an independent study packet for him so school can still get funding. I'm scanning & emailing his homework to him & he is doing a lot online. he's having a good time. told school I'm going through some stuff & extended his trip. they said it's ok & if I need to extend it more, they will just adjust the dates on the form... so maybe they all know I'm crazy... they know about my older 2 from when they were there & it was hell. So I'm paranoid, do they all know I'm crazy. that makes me so sad. I don't want anyone to know. they must all know.

why'd I even tell the bf the dx... he's not cut out for this and it's just a farce wasting both of ours time. it's like a business relationship, where I do his accounting for his biz & he does my yard work & brought me free firewood. Then we lay in my bed one night a week like strangers barely touching and I listen to him snore.

such hard work the laundry and the bagging & the bleaching the nasty stuff & the trash & the donations, and I barely made a dent in it. I need to get it done, and need to get my work done, and it's all falling in on me, no way out, but I have to get out. it's too much, way too much. there's no relief in sight

[Alokin]

huuuuuuuuugs! You are making progress, one day at a time, little by little. You will get there, it is hard to not be overwhelmed, but you can do it.

[middlepath]

Hugs to you (((blue))). just get through it....

[BlueInanna]

I'm trying to get through it... The meds maybe take the edge off... A little. Everything needs to change NOW. I can't live like this but I can't not live. So stuck. Same story different day. I hate myself how I can't make the changes to make my life better.

I hate living with 2 adult kids who aren't pulling their weight. I hate the clutter & filth, it's driving me nuts. I hate driving them everywhere, paying all the bills, then get yelled at by son that I just sit on my *** all day. Then I'm sick of him just making nice when he wants something.

I hate the legal problems & all the drug rehabs I have to take them to. I hate it all.

I hate the bf. We go to dinner & I always drive. He tried to pay I said no. Told him I don't want to be indebted to him & plan to pay him back any money he ever spent on me. Told him I'm happier living alone. He's such a ****. And dumb. Told him I wasted my 30's on him & he's part of the reason my older 2 are so ****ed up. He doesn't care for them. So why do I care for him?

Dinner was spent with me trying to make interesting conversation. Tried to talk about work & see if I could help with his work stress. He's so self centered he doesn't see my work stress. He just got mad & said he couldn't talk about work right now. So I change subject, I'm thinking of having a winter solstice party. He says he can't think about that right now & doesn't want to hear about my weird ****. So I try to explain paganism & he doesn't want to hear about my devil stuff ... Wtf ... He's an atheist. I just can't stand him. Most unpleasant dinner ever. I cried. I don't understand how he never cries. I don't understand how he doesn't care for my 2 older kids. He said they caused me so much trouble always trying to kill themselves. I just hate him. He can't forgive my son for attacking him with a ninja sword. Lmao. The kid needed a dad and was disappointed & abandoned once again.

Yet my pathetic pattern is I stay in this relationship. Makes me hate myself more. I would exit stage left, but who would clean up this mess. He's snoring away in my bed and I can't stand to even go lay in my own bed. I hate him. We have no business being together. It was a nice 2 weeks I just had not having to see him. I can't even talk about anything that interests me? I lay awake while he snores? I keep him around cuz he's a good influence on youngest? That's an oxymoron cuz how could someone who dislikes his siblings be a good influence? I hate it all. I've Made a horrible mess of my life & theirs. I hate it. I want to scream & break things. But I sit here holding back tears.

[dubblemonkey]

...my gift is not advice

my gift bypasses suggestions even...

my gift is reading and caring

that's all I can do C...

I do, however...understand what hurting is

james

[thickntired]

Blue I

My ♥ goes out to you. I feel like you are surrounded with toxic people/family and it's taking a huge toll. Have you ever tried Alanon? Even if you can't make a mtg the literature or online support might help. I understand about your bf. Sometimes it's scary to be alone and feels more secure to have anyone there no matter how they treat the relationship. I feel like I don't deserve better from my low self esteem. Have you tried to have a family mtg to address all the bs? Or maybe tell your kids if they don't pick up there crap you'll start donating or trashing their belongings. Tough love may help you with your sanity. Please be kind to yourself. You did not cause your kids addictions anymore than they caused your bipolar. Helping them stay sober is out of your control; they have to hit bottom and decide to save themselves. Alanon helped me to detach from my husband's drinking. Today I know it's not about me - he is just sick period. I think when unhealthy boundaries are established with friends and family people end up owning each others problems. I have terrible boundaries with my mom and when she tried to make me sober up I used more. It was my problem to face in my own time. I hope you are able to find a little bit of time to yourself today and put yourself ahead of others for a moment of serenity.
Tnt

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

...my gift is not advice

my gift bypasses suggestions even...

my gift is reading and caring

that's all I can do C...

I do, however...understand what hurting is

james

Thank you James. I didn't think you were ever going to speak to me again.

No one can fix this but me , that's a sad truth that feels like the impossible , it's crushing me down. I can't find the solutions. I'm so angry & mean to people , almost wondering if I'm a psychopath who'd like to blow up the planet just to get the inevitable over with. How horribly evil & cynical is that? Which one is the real me? Or is real me gone into dust...

Thank you for lending your ear (all of you). People in my real life , if anything's even real , don't understand what I go through in my head , my emotions , my mood , my energy level. Here is the only place I can let my manic dramatic shine. Truly... Not understood anywhere else.

I would hug if I could right now. But I'm so grumpy I won't insult you by fake hug. I do care, just... Won't fake hug. I'm kind of pissed off that I know this will pass. Cuz then will I just think oh I wasn't thinking straight , when right now I feel so smart & angry to see the truth , that this world is a bad place. And that also makes me sad cuz I know from past episode experience I will see it differently when this passes. Why can't my brain just work right. I'm so defective. Dysfunct. Me.

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by thickntired

Blue I

My ♥ goes out to you. I feel like you are surrounded with toxic people/family and it's taking a huge toll. Have you ever tried Alanon? Even if you can't make a mtg the literature or online support might help. I understand about your bf. Sometimes it's scary to be alone and feels more secure to have anyone there no matter how they treat the relationship. I feel like I don't deserve better from my low self esteem. Have you tried to have a family mtg to address all the bs? Or maybe tell your kids if they don't pick up there crap you'll start donating or trashing their belongings. Tough love may help you with your sanity. Please be kind to yourself. You did not cause your kids addictions anymore than they caused your bipolar. Helping them stay sober is out of your control; they have to hit bottom and decide to save themselves. Alanon helped me to detach from my husband's drinking. Today I know it's not about me - he is just sick period. I think when unhealthy boundaries are established with friends and family people end up owning each others problems. I have terrible boundaries with my mom and when she tried to make me sober up I used more. It was my problem to face in my own time. I hope you are able to find a little bit of time to yourself today and put yourself ahead of others for a moment of serenity.
Tnt

I feel surrounded by toxic also. also I feel like I am toxic to myself. I used to go to alanon, got too bored. we already do so much therapy , pdoc appts , and so much other things. I did throw away their gross moldy dishes this morning that they left by the sink. And I'm going through and throwing out old things, but I'm so mad that it's all on me. my youngest helps, he's a great help. but the other 2... I don't know what we'll do. I just don't know. when I tell my son he needs to move out, he threatens to come steal everything... So I say I guess i'll have to call cops again then... But really they have nowhere to go. And they both have bp or bpd or both. it has worn me out so bad, obviously so much that I spun into mania & not taking care of my health. I really want a therapist again , but all time & resources are going to them... Which how I would want it to be ideally, we make huge sacrifices for our children. But like they order you on an airplane , attach your oxygen mask before applying your child's.