[franco600]

I've never felt so alone in my life. Today was my 19th wedding anniversary and I know my wife is only staying w me for the kids. I don't have the emotional energy to try and "reinvent" myself again. Don't see a away out of this dark hole. I'm 53, hurt, angry, and scared, impotent from prostate cancer, and want some kind of intimacy with my wife and my family but I don't have their respect and see no way to get it at this point. My Mom passed away from cancer 3 mos ago, and that made me really feel like my one biggest fan was gone.

With no friends except my sister, none, zero, I have to pay someone $300 an hour to talk to me. I have no clue what to do at this point. My meds are not the issue because they seem to work - it's just sitting here wondering how I got to this point and how in God's name I recover from where I'm at. I am so alone. I know there are many blessings in my life, but none of that takes away this feeling. I keep waiting for a sign, any sign, that things will turn, or that I'll have the ability within myself to change and become productive - nothing.

I'm okay in big scheme of things I guess. I just had to tell someone just how alone I feel. Sorry for the downer.

[tranquility84]

Originally Posted by franco600

I keep waiting for a sign, any sign, that things will turn, or that I'll have the ability within myself to change and become productive - nothing.

Just want to say that you are not alone in this. I have been waiting for a sign that things will turn around too; i feel trapped and alone and I don't know how to continue. I know it's silly, but every night I'll go to bed hopeful that the next morning I'll wake up excited and crazy about my life. Because it has happened before, and my crazy mania got me out of my depression then. Sorry am not of much help; hope u'll feel better soon.

[gayleggg]

My meds are not the issue because they seem to work

I'm not so sure your meds are working all that great. You sound really depressed, of course, that is not unusual after losing a loved one, but your meds may need adjusting. Have you tried marital counseling? Is your wife willing to discuss the issues? Are you? You might give it some thought.

[franco600]

Cried most of the night while my wife slept, but I survived truly feeling as if my heart was breaking. Today is a new day. I'll make the most if it and try not to be overwhelmed but take it one step at a time. Thanks for the reply. It helped to just let it out and it was nice to be heard and sense that empathy. Thank you. Hope it's better for you today - it's a new year!

[franco600]

Just saw the second reply above. Was just in docs office 2 weeks ago and really felt meds were pretty stable. As you know, these things can erupt pretty quickly as they build up over time. Thanks, because that a pretty good place to look for that extra bit of help because I'm on quite a little cocktail even though fairly low doses. I need to add it to my profile, but I'm on:

Lamotrogine 200 mg
Seroquel 200mg
Buproprian 150mg
Clonazepam .5 mg
Alprazolam 1.0 mg (as needed for anxiety)

Doc had me on a mood chart that I've not complied with. Will start that today with last night's episode. She's really good tweaking. Just hate the thought of increasing dosages.

Thanks again.

[manymiles]

That is very tough and I'm sorry about you losing your number one fan, your Mom. That plus the other things would make most people feel alone. That is a really challenging place to be. You are probably mourning and that is just tough.

For me I have found that sometimes I have wanted to move forward at a pace so as to really feel like something is getting better. I learned for myself that holding on is the best I could do at the time. It didn't feel like much at the time but in fact it was my progress. Also while you have been through some really tough things it can be depressions lie that we are alone as we can not see the opportunities around us at that time or they don't satisfy us in ways we need.

Also like Gayle said above I think your meds are not working in ways that they can be. I know that feeling of feeling incredible lonely. You have courage that a lot don't have by reaching out. I encourage you to continue to do that. You are not alone though I can definitely see how it feels like such. Continuing to post here as it along with a med adjustment may make you feel more connected to others.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm so sorry for your loss I lost my dad almost 4 years ago he was my number fan too.

I trust you when you say your meds are working for your bipolar symptoms. Meds cannot fix the loss, and sadness you feel, when permanently losing a person that played such an integral part of your life. Well unless upping them until you're zombified is an idea of help you're open to.

Please keep posting, it may just help you feel less alone.

[couldntkelpit]

When you say you have to pay $300/hr for someone to talk to you, are you talking about a therapist or a, um, "lady of the evening?" $300/hr is pretty expensive for a therapist but about the right rate for the other thing (not that I know). Do you have a therapist? If not, can you start seeing one? Maybe you can see one twice per week?

BTW, I got the sense that you feel that only someone who's being paid would want to spend time with you. That's ridiculous and sounds like depression talking. You're a wonderful, valuable person who's worthy of friendships and relationships.

I agree with another person who suggested that your meds don't seem to be working as well as they could. You seem pretty depressed. Are you against adjusting them just temporarily until you get out of this hole?

Have you already tried support groups and social groups like NAMI or meetup.com groups? Some of those might be fun. If you're around other people, it may take your mind off of some of the negative things.

Just my 2 cents.