[gris212]

I haven't had a serious relationship for sometime, but I recently started seeing a guy. As it turns out he works as a social worker in a psych unit, go figure. Now I've only seen him 4 times but plan to see him again. I wouldn't tell him I'm Bipolar for sometime, I don't want to scare him off, but at what point is the timing right?
I'm 34 single with no children. Knowing Bipolar is genetic I ask myself often if I want to have children. My mom is Bipolar as well and I wouldn't wish this on my child. It's not a choice I have to make now, but surely one that will be pondered in the near future. I don't know if I can go through a 3rd generation of this illness, it takes a toll on you. But I also don't want to be an elderly woman regretting I never had a family.
Can anyone relate?

Yes I can relate. I can not imagine passing this on to a child. I would never ever forgive myself for putting a child through what I have been through. If my child ended up with a mental illness, its a surefire way to make me suicidal (and probably take them with me to spare them the horror).

Plus having a baby? Hormonal changes (which affect me tremendously) and no sleep after the birth - will bring on a mood episode for me. I dont think I could hack it. I am unable to work full time, and my partner is in a low wage job. We currently can not afford to feed ourselves. I can barely look after myself (even stable) let alone a child. It would not be fair to anyone.

I dont want to regret not having them but I'd rather that than having a mentally ill child. My partner is keen for at least one - but a long way down the road. I dont think he realises how much work he will have to do - I may be the one staying at home but I should not be raising a child, I dont think I should even be allowed unsupervised with my own baby.

I had a bipolar friend in hospital, she was apparently stable when she had her twins. 4 months after their birth she killed them both and attempted suicide. Her suicide attempt failed, but the babies are dead. She is now spending her time in a criminal locked ward and her husband wants nothing to do with her. And she had the blessing of her doctors to have children...

[Curiosity77]

I worry about the same things. I'm divorced, and I've been dating again, and I never know when or if it's the right time to tell them. I also think about kids. I'm in my midthirties, and I don't have any kids. I feel like I want to be a mother, but I don't know if I could realistically handle it. I am very sensitive to hormonal changes, so I think pregnancy would make me really sick. I would love to adopt a child, but I can't pass the mental health screen. So it's pregnancy or no baby. Plus I think about if I want to do it on my own since I'm single. I don't know, I really need to figure it out soon because I'm running out of time.

[Victoria'smom]

Yes, I was pretty sure I had bipolar but refused to seek treatment because of fear (both weight gain and hospitalization). My husband knew he had psychiatric issues also. We felt that the one (and only) way our parents failed us in that regard is not seeking treatment for us the few times bipolar broke through our normal child façade. However we knew what we were looking for. We had been there. We would make sure our children would not suffer. We had a son.

Within a couple or months we noticed he needed help. Over the next couple of years We did everything privately to insure he would be without diagnosis when we finally asked for help it fell on deaf ears .everything from there's no problems, he'll catch up to stop leaving your kid outside in the summer (pick marks). It wasn't until he attempted to take his life. He's now on 3 different psych meds at 11 he's been diagnosed autism spectrum, mood disorder, and ADHD. Life is not the easiest for him mostly because people expect him to do certain things because he looks and sounds capable. I've been told to expect his teen years to be one big mixed episode. All his disorders can be genetic. We don't know which if any are genetic.

Pregnancy, birth, and post partume were hell for me I WISH I had pysch services then. I'm so glad my husband refused when I'd beg to give him up, and refused to let me give up. He's only started trusting me to be alone with our son for longer then a have hour in the past 5 years. He did leave us alone but he'd know we'd be playing hide and seek (always heard people breaking into the house), playing in a room behind 3 locks, or find him playing and me locked in the bathroom crying because he was a tough kid to handle (usually in episode).

Some days I look at him and think "what did I do? I'm so selfish. How could I do this to another person?" Usually I'm extremely optimistic and feel I have the awesomest kid in the world. I'm told we are wonderful parents. The guilt and uncertainty come with parenting. I would still have a child, but ask for much more help for myself and him. Any parent can have a child that need extra help whether its a child that matures slower, has issues learning a topic or actually special needs. Yes we knew genetically we would have a mentally I'll child but never did I suspect from the start. I would still only have one child. I don't feel I could handle 3 special needs kids. My sisters kids had the same chances her 4th child is the only special needs child. My son will have disadvantages to others but he'll also be more well adjusted and have the ability to advocate then most children.

I would ask yourself if you are able to handle a child that has severe mental illness or disability? I'd suggest that to any parent not just a person that has a high chance genetically.

[Mandysue]

I can relate...Im 32 with no kids, havent been in a realtionship for a while...suppose to go on a date with this guy...havent set it up yet...I just think if it did work out..when would I tell him about my illness? Probably wouldnt mention for a while..and having kids..Im not sure if I want kids now due to bi polar and the fact they are so much responsibility.. I understand how you feel...I want to be married again ( im divorced) but I dont know about kids...Its all up in the air!

[nowIgetit]

just wanted to add a positive note...I have always been sensitive to hormone changes and was diagnosed with PMDD in my twenties, and have struggled with anxiety and depression (now tentatively dx as bipolar II) my whole life. I was terrified of what might happen when I got pregnant and I, my husband, my doctor, and my therapist all had multiple plans in place in case it went badly...but I felt the most stable I ever have while I was pregnant! I was happy, positive, no mood swings, no anger, and able to go off all of my meds.

I KNOW this is not possible for everyone (I probably will stay on meds through my next pregnancy because I did have issues with postpartum depression, which is more common with PMDD) but just wanted to say I understand the fear and you never know, you might be pleasantly surprised. I was so happy and positive while I was pregnant and can't wait to get pregnant again someday.

[Desafinado]

To me, Bipolar has never been a defining point of who I am, how I act is a defining point of who I am. That means that I'm not ashamed to tell someone that I'm Bipolar, but if my behaviour is 'off' due to Bipolar then their might be a problem.

So if you think that your Bipolar is going to cause serious trouble in the relationship, and you *don't* tell him, then you're just hiding a truth that will come out later, delaying the inevitable kind of thing. That said I think it's best to let someone know as soon as possible.. whenever the time seems right, because if they're going to leave you for no other reason than having the label, then it really wasn't meant to be.

I told my current partner long before we were in a relationship. In the early days of knowing each other I figured she was a trustworthy person so I let her know a little bit about my history. After a while I proved that I was capable of maintaining a stable relationship, and so it never became an issue for us.

As for the child thing, I have the same worries. I also worry about other issues. Honestly, I think this is an issue to take seriously and put real consideration into, but at the end of the day it's a personal decision you need to make and live it without regret.

[wing]

I have 3 children, two of whom have psych issues. If you have children, you need to be on the lookout for behavior changes signaling dep or mania, and don't go into denial when it shows up. I was in denial when my first started showing symptoms, and treating her as if she didn't caused her tremendous pain re: bad choices made while manic.

Also, I don't think I should have been home alone with my kids. They would have been better off in a small daycare situation where they'd have a "normal" role model some of the time. I spend a lot of time regretting what a lousy mother I was when my kids bring up crazy stuff I did that put them at risk or embarrassed them.

Having children knowing you have a mental illness is a decision that is a bit more complicated than the decision an average person would make. Don't do it impulsively.

[gris212]

I agree the hormonal changes would be brutal! But I've been told that there are medications you can still take while pregnant. I don't want to rule it out completely but it is a hard decision to make. Our illness is triggered by stress and what biggest stress than a child. Someone that needs you 24/7.

[gris212]

Wing how do you cope with your mental illness and the illnesses of your children? I think it would be just too much for me. I take a lot of responsibility at home helping my parents, keeping an eye on my mom's Bipolar and my own. How do you keep your sanity? I would like to have at least 1 child. As a friend once pointed out women were meant to have children and I think I want the experience, but mental health and stability makes me wonder if I can manage everything that comes with being a mother.

[~Christina]

I was diagnosed at age 43 prior to that I went about life got married had a child got divorced and remarried ... I was diagnosed at age 43 my daughter was diagnosed at age 19... 3 months after I was.

I have no regrets my daughter is a musician and loves her life up and downs included . Just because you have BP does not mean your will certainly pass it on.

Having BP doesnt mean your life needs to end or you cant date or marry or have children... There is tons of life with bipolar.

[psychc]

I have 2 kids and have bp2. I don't regret having them for 1 min., and my pregnancy hormones actually kept me stable, so go figure.

But, having said that, it is hard and exhausting work and it is 2 full- time jobs in and of themselves, so you have to be in a stable moment to have them.

Only you can make that decision, which is a hard one either way.
You also need a very supportive partner.

[wildflowerchild25]

I decided to have a child (somewhat impulsively) when I was 23. My husband and I were definitely not in the right place financially but otherwise we felt we were ready even though we were young. At the time, I believed I did not have bipolar, despite an earlier dx; I thought everything I went through was trauma related and I hadn't had any extreme episodes since 19 so ya know. If I had known...anyway pregnancy was fine for me. But I definitely suffered severe postpartum depression compounded by my son being incredibly colicky. I barely slept and it took a severe toll on me. I had my worst breakdown since I was a teen about four to five months after he was born, to the point where my husband should have called the cops on me but he was too afraid to be alone with our baby.

A lot of my problems were compounded by my husband being completely unsupportive in the beginning due to his own fears of fatherhood. If he had been there and been willing to help more it may not have been so bad. I was also finishing my last semester of college which was total hell. So all these factors made the beginning horrible but after I graduated and my husband finally faced his fears and became a great father, I was much better.

Episodes became worse last year and I had my first episode of full blown mania. If I had known it would come back I may not have had a child. I hope every day that I have not passed on this illness. Especially since hubby's father and sister both have bipolar. If he turns out like me I dot know what I'll do.

He's only three now so the jury is still out. Thankfully I will say he is a very happy child. I would not be surprised if he ends up with an ADHD dx in the future since so many high energy boys do, but I just hope it doesn't become bipolar.

Hubby wants another but I'm too afraid. I can't face screwing up 2 kids.

It is a big decision but having bipolar doesn't mean you can't have what everyone else has. I would just recommend you have a LOT of support if you ever do decide to have a child, especially right after when the lack of sleep is messing with you.

[Victoria'smom]

Gris I hope you don't mind me answering:

Wing how do you cope with your mental illness and the illnesses of your children?

We chose to eliminate any things that had major changes. For us this met public school. We can stop and deal with whatever. Sleep, no sleep becomes a non issue if he misses an event then its fine. I don't deal with the district for services or anything like that.

Our mental health team helps a lot. Each of them does a basic check in with how the other family members are doing. Even though our family lives away we were are able to set up supports. They have relieved a lot of tension teaching us when we as partners or parents have to step back and allow them to do what we hired them for.

[wing]

Originally Posted by gris212

Wing how do you cope with your mental illness and the illnesses of your children? I think it would be just too much for me. I take a lot of responsibility at home helping my parents, keeping an eye on my mom's Bipolar and my own. How do you keep your sanity? I would like to have at least 1 child. As a friend once pointed out women were meant to have children and I think I want the experience, but mental health and stability makes me wonder if I can manage everything that comes with being a mother.

gris, I cope by understanding that the guilt I carry around will be with me all my life. People will say that therapy "helps". Not in this case. That said, guilt is an issue with me on many counts, not just about my kids...

It makes me so happy to see my daughter doing well, though BP threw her off the rails before she realized we were right telling her she will need medication the rest of her life.

My son is in denial. Threw away his lamictal and says he doesn't need it anymore. So far he is OK, but I'm a hawk abt watching him for symptoms, and harp on what the psychiatrist told him when I get an opening.

I don't compare them to others, just stay happy that they're managing their lives as well as anyone else would in their circumstances.

Just because you have a child, doesn't mean he or she will have BP. The chances, last I read, were 1 in 4.

If I had a chance to do it over, i would have stayed childless, BUT I have severe, rapid cycling BP 1 AND that is just what I would do. What is right for me isn't what is right for anyone else. If you are happy with your life, and are stable, I'd say go ahead and roll the dice if you have a strong desire for a child. Every one of them is a blessing.