Enlightenment

I came to a realization today. I just am not meant to live with other people.

While I am sure others with manic-depressive illness can have normal lives, I personally can not. My heightened emotional states are just too much for me to handle not to mention the people around me. If they do love me, they learn to hate me after a while.

Before I know I had m-d, I lived alone. I went to work, I came home, I played video games till I went to bed. No roller-coaster of emotions triggered by a relationship. I was hardly ever triggered into over-the-top emotional responses. I had other problems with money and some bad decision making, but I did not have the extremes of emotion that I do now.

I know quite a few of my peers here are in happy, healthy relationships. I don't doubt someone with m-d can live a wonderful life surrounded by people that love them. I am just not one of those people and I need come to terms with it.

I don't think anyone can say never as we do not know what the future has in store but I do understand that feeling. Hugs

its perfectly ok to live a life uncomplicated by people if that is what makes you happy. I have been alone for a long time and I completely enjoy it. I hate the drama people bring into life. it is so much simpler to go home to an empty house and do whatever I want and not have to worry about the needs of others. it is just important to be able to still reach out to others when you need help when you chose a life of isolation. take care.

I have chosen not to have a relationship for the same reasons. Just too complicated and stressful for me.

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We don't for sure which is better...if you are not comfortable dealing with lots of people, then that might be for the sake of your goodness. And the best way to deal with a situation is not to fight with it.

Hence, if you feel like you are not meant to live with people, then accept the reality. Don't fight it. FIghting is gonna make it worse.

I had situation like yours. I started accepting my failures. Whenever I did a mistake, I said to myself, its ok. I am manic, hence it is normal for me do do mistakes.

God bless you. Hugs.

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I think you are right buddha, the path of least resistance would be best. I definitely need to live alone.

Some of you have seen my posts about my GF whom I live with. I can not stress enough that this woman has been though a lot. I have rages (which I am not sure are a part of M-D or some other undiagnosed ailment) that have really taken their toll on her. When a rage is triggered, I become someone, something, else. I yell in her face, I scream, storm around the apartment. I am verbally abusive, I throw and hit things. I am a mean, angry, nasty mother-@#$%er. After the rage is over I am horrified at what I have done, but it does not change the fact that it happened and that the GF was in the middle of it all. After four years of it, I feel she is far past her breaking point.

Today, I was looking for a therapist and psychiatrist. I had not been going due to money concerns, but now that I have the new job I want to go weekly to a therapist and at least monthly to a psychiatrist. The GF told me about a website which was very helpful. I thanked her for it and continued my search, telling my plans as I came across profiles of those that I liked. The GF got more and more upset, saying what I must do, who I must see. I understood where she was coming from, but my treatment must be between me and my treatment team, who I was selecting. She just went off, saying I did not care what she went though, saying I was picking "********" councilors so I "didn't have to do anything" and stay the way I was. I tried to consul her, show her that was not my intention at all, but she continued to spiral out of control to the point of throwing tissue boxes across the room. It was then I said I had to live alone. If simply finding help was going to introduce drama into my life, I had to get rid of it. I am very sorry for what she has gone though. If I could take it all back, never invite her into my crazy world and save her the pain, I would. But what is done is done. I have done my damage. If we stay together the cycle will continue. It has to end now.

She, of course, is very upset right now. But this time I must stay firm, for both our sakes. She might want to stay around for the "good" me, but the "bad" me is destroying her. It might hurt to let this all go, but I know it is for the best.

ok, now I am just confused.

I told her she should leave me, said it was better for both of us. She won't. She says it takes time to get stable, that I have not gotten all the help I need to be better. Her support group says I need time to become stable and so she is going to give me 15 months.

I really don't know what to say. After everything I have done to this woman she should be flying out the door. Instead she is holding on to a destructive, violent relationship. I just... it kinda feels good that someone is willing to go though that but isn't this just going to get progressively worse?

I just don't know what to think anymore. I had the resolve to end it.... now... I just don't know...

When you go to your doc ask about "IED - Intermittent Explosive Disorder". What you describe is VERY much like what I was (and to a much lesser extant now) like.

There are days I want to be a hermit and live in a cave up in the mountains. Yet I have full custody of three sons who depend on me. I am also desperate to be loved.

Before I met my ex-wife, I was in the USMC and was well on my way to getting courts martialed or getting killed in a fight. She somehow made me calm down. Not nearly enough, but I truly became a better person because in the back of my mind I was always thinking "no matter what, she still loves me".

She left a couple of years ago and ever since life gets harder and harder.

Yes I have my sons but it's not the same as having someone to hold and to be held by at night.

If you are being violent, please put distance between yourself and her. I laid my hands on my ex and it nearly cost me everything, including my life.

If she loves you, she should understand that you might just need time to get yourself together.

Humans are social creatures. We are meant to love and to be loved. To live without that really isn't living.

Don't give up man.