[swheaton]

I hate having BP. I freaking hate the fact that I want to quit my new job after only five months because I feel like an incompetent loser. I hate the fact that my freaking husband had the nerve to roll his eyes at me when I tried to explain how I felt.

My job history is blotchy, but I have always worked up until I decided to become a CMA and went to school for a year. I know my husband is tired of me being this way and is tired of me quitting jobs. I want to quit because I am afraid of being fired. I've been written up because of a med error and today I found out I didn't give the full dose of the flu to a child. I really like being a Medical Assistant, but I don't know how to reduce my margin of error (its like I can't pay attention to what I am doing). I do some things really well, but it's these mistakes that freak me out.

I have no self confidence, none, zippo. I'm not sure if I should have a letter from my pdoc explaining my medical condition..or would that be wrong? Would it make me look more like a loser?

BTW, my feelings are still hurt. I know my husband is fed up with me and I wonder how much longer he will stay. I shouldn't worry, but I do. I wish I didn't have to wake up and face another day, but I love my little family. I can't leave them behind, even if I want too.

[wildflowerchild25]

I would NOT admit that you have bipolar - while they technically can't fire you, I have no doubt they can figure out some way to get rid of you. The stigma of mental illness is very strong. Bp nurse will tell you that it's very bad in the healthcare field.

Anyway I'm very sorry you're feeling so down. When I am in a depression I feel like complete garbage and think I am the worst teacher ever. I'm always waiting for admin to come In and say yeah, we definitely don't want you here anymore. But then when I am baseline or up, I think I am a total badass teacher...so yeah. Hard to say.

My husband doesn't get it either. The last time I was in a severe depression he threatened to have me committed. He told me to "go back to the hospital and stay there until you're fixed!" Which is impossible but thx Hun. I'm always waiting for the shoe to drop there too...like is this episode going to be the one that drives him away. But eventually it passes as my mood shifts.

Try to be a bit gentler on yourself. You're not a complete loser. The fact that you've had a job for five months shows you must be doing SOMETHING right.

[Marshellette]

Get a new husband, one who is understanding. Seriously, rolling his eyes over a disabled person.

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by swheaton

I hate having BP. I freaking hate the fact that I want to quit my new job after only five months because I feel like an incompetent loser. I hate the fact that my freaking husband had the nerve to roll his eyes at me when I tried to explain how I felt.

My job history is blotchy, but I have always worked up until I decided to become a CMA and went to school for a year. I know my husband is tired of me being this way and is tired of me quitting jobs. I want to quit because I am afraid of being fired. I've been written up because of a med error and today I found out I didn't give the full dose of the flu to a child. I really like being a Medical Assistant, but I don't know how to reduce my margin of error (its like I can't pay attention to what I am doing). I do some things really well, but it's these mistakes that freak me out.

I have no self confidence, none, zippo. I'm not sure if I should have a letter from my pdoc explaining my medical condition..or would that be wrong? Would it make me look more like a loser?

BTW, my feelings are still hurt. I know my husband is fed up with me and I wonder how much longer he will stay. I shouldn't worry, but I do. I wish I didn't have to wake up and face another day, but I love my little family. I can't leave them behind, even if I want too.

Aw, hon, you are NOT a loser---not by a long shot! I wish I could hug you in person because I know exactly how it feels to be a healthcare professional with bipolar disorder, and in most ways it SUCKS. I still cannot believe how judgmental medical people can be towards MI individuals.....especially other medical people.

If you've managed to avoid discussing your illness with your managers and co-workers, keep up the good work! They cannot legally fire you for being BP, but they can trump up other reasons to get rid of you without incurring trouble with the Americans with Disabilities Act. It happened to me last year when I had the mother of all mixed episodes that caused my pdoc to take me out of work for over 3 weeks. He didn't want me to go back there at all but (reluctantly) gave me the go-ahead, and I promptly fell apart again.

When they let me go it was a relief, although I was very, very angry and even more humiliated. And yes, I felt like a loser. I've always had problems with jobs, but at my level (I was a director of nursing) it's really embarrassing. I am supposed to be a professional---polished, smart, always appropriate---and there are times when my brain totally $#!+s the bed and I act like a crazy woman. Which I am, I guess.

But I'm NOT a loser, and neither are you. We have a mental illness that disrupts our lives and makes it harder for us to do what 'normal' people do without thinking, but we're not losers. Don't let your husband beat you up about it either....he is not being helpful and you don't deserve to be treated like this.

[swheaton]

*sigh* I made thru the weekend. I worked Saturday and it was awesome. Just me, patients and an awesome FNP. She and I clicked right away and it made me feel proud to be an MA. I'm still in a rough spot, but I have been able to talk with my husband. He feels horrible for rolling his eyes at me and admitted that the only word he heard was "quit". We have both agreed that I really need some hard therapy and he will go with me and take me to appts if he has too.

I'm going to hush my mouth about my MI. My employers do not need to know. I'm going to be dropping to a four day work week, which I think will help. It will give me more time for help. I am also going to look for a more peaceful workplace. A slower clinic might be what I need.

These mood swings are a *****. I think I had a manic day Friday...my crash happened on the way home that night. I was all happy and a chatter box (mouth and mind were racing) and then on the way home I started to think about how screwed up I am. I'm going to get fired, blah blah blah.

Thank you so much for listening....I'm grateful. I truly am.

[hamster-bamster]

I have never had that level of responsibility and can imagine that the responsibility alone can cause a spike in anxiety which would make you prone to making errors, as in the flu vaccine case, and then knowing that you're making errors would make you fearful, anxious yet more, and guilty. With that kind of a negative cocktail you you would make even more errors, going into a downward spiral.

Reducing the work week was an awesome move. Let us learn from other high responsibility occupations.

1. Aircraft pilots may not work more than a certain number of hours straight.
2. Pharmacists in California must take a 30 min lunch break (maybe even an hour, not sure)
3. Nurses at nursing stations at hospitals have an uninterrupted time for preparing medications.

So you need to do those things - sleep enough, eat balanced meals regularly, and drink liquids throughout the day. Even a small degree of dehydration diminished mental acuity in studies, and where you have reduced mental acuity, you become prone to making errors.

Also walking for 45 a day produced an improvement in memory function in one study (Middle-aged participants walking for 45 mins a day showed functional improvement after three months).

[swheaton]

Very good advice, Hamster...and I need to follow it! My sleep issues have gotten better, thank God. I really have to work on taking a couple of extra breaks during the day along with lunch.

[Fuzzybear]

I've found the same about medical ppl. being judgemental. Not cool

Hugs

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

Aw, hon, you are NOT a loser---not by a long shot! I wish I could hug you in person because I know exactly how it feels to be a healthcare professional with bipolar disorder, and in most ways it SUCKS. I still cannot believe how judgmental medical people can be towards MI individuals.....especially other medical people.

If you've managed to avoid discussing your illness with your managers and co-workers, keep up the good work! They cannot legally fire you for being BP, but they can trump up other reasons to get rid of you without incurring trouble with the Americans with Disabilities Act. It happened to me last year when I had the mother of all mixed episodes that caused my pdoc to take me out of work for over 3 weeks. He didn't want me to go back there at all but (reluctantly) gave me the go-ahead, and I promptly fell apart again.

When they let me go it was a relief, although I was very, very angry and even more humiliated. And yes, I felt like a loser. I've always had problems with jobs, but at my level (I was a director of nursing) it's really embarrassing. I am supposed to be a professional---polished, smart, always appropriate---and there are times when my brain totally $#!+s the bed and I act like a crazy woman. Which I am, I guess.

But I'm NOT a loser, and neither are you. We have a mental illness that disrupts our lives and makes it harder for us to do what 'normal' people do without thinking, but we're not losers. Don't let your husband beat you up about it either....he is not being helpful and you don't deserve to be treated like this.

[hamster-bamster]

Please also realize that California passed the laws about lunch breaks for pharmacists and uninterrupted time for nurses not because it is a touchy feely state, but in response to errors made by pharmacists and nurses. Doctors make mistakes, too - that's why they carry malpractice insurance. Other people in the medical field make mistakes, and not just you. When you are aware of your mistakes but have no ability to learn of similar mistakes made by others, you might begin thinking that you are the only person with faults. Not true!

[thickntired]

Hi. Oh my I can relate to dealing with your husband. It can be so awful being paranoid that he's going to leave, and normal ppl don't get bipolar. It's like they think we're just being dramatic and selfish. My husband is pissed at me all the time. He tells me I'm never happy and doesn't know how much that hurts.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk

[swheaton]

I guess I was hurt because he's never acted that way before. Thickntired, people without bipolar never really get it. I guess all we can hope for is kindness some days.

[Beepee]

Hugs

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[swheaton]

Thank you, BeePee

[Roblovescats]

I just wanna hug you ALL!!! I found that as a teacher when I make mistakes... Which is daily... That if I reward my kids for catching it they are not only forgiving but it makes them feel less STUPID when they make mistakes. That said I don't want a proctologist showing up for my teeth cleaning. I think some of you have much more stress than I could ever handle!

~Sent from Dark Side of the Moon~

[swheaton]

I have to say that I get more praise and comfort from all of you than I do in person. I spent another rough day a work, thinking that one of the provider's was talking about me to the manager. I can't wait to see my pdoc tomorrow..