![]() |
FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
#1
|
|||
|
|||
Heads up, this is gonna be long. This is my first time posting in any support type forum and I don't know the rules about how long a post can be. I just want to share some of my experiences and ask for feedback and similar stories.
I'm 28, 29 in March. I've been bipolar since elementary school. I tried to kill myself for the first time when I was 11. No one noticed. I puked green bile for days and my mom thought I had a stomach bug. I told my younger sister (who at age 19, killed herself, she'd been bipolar too) asked me if I died if she could have my stuff. My mother was bipolar and in denial (meaning not in treatment). She was a hypocritical fundamental baptist, meaning she taught us all these morals (and ridiculous rules like girls can't wear pants) and never lived that way herself. She always told me mental illness was just the devil or sin. There were 6 of us kids (3 youngest were my step dad's kids). My moms oldest was a boy. She had him by another man shortly after marrying my dad. I was next, then my sister. They divorced when I was 4, which is also when my moms oldest son started molesting me. He also used to beat me up till I would cry, sometimes in front of my mother with her only casually commenting for him to stop after I would start crying. This went on till I was 13 when he actually raped me. My mom and step dad also beat me till I had bruises anytime I would lie or misbehave. When I was 14 I moved in with my dad and started public high school, trying to start over. Unfortunately my dad was an unhappy (also possibly un diagnosed mental illness) man with a quick temper who would throw things at me and threaten me (and my sister after my dad got custody of both of us). He would always later apologize usually by taking me to buy something. I started smoking at 15 and tried to kill myself many times. I was always depressed, but somehow I was very high functioning with a lot of energy and grandiose plans never realized. I even played in my high school orchestra and marching band. I met my husband at 17 and he saved my life. I stopped trying to kill myself all the time and even though I still had PTSD and anxiety and depression I was happier than if ever been. We got pregnant after a year and a half together and got married at 19 and 18 in 2004. My symptoms were manageable until 2009 when I had a deep depression for 6 months hardly showering or getting out of bed. I tried to kill myself for the first time in a long time and my husband very worried, took me to the er. I was put on my first 51/50 and stayed for 3 days. I got home Christmas Eve now with a diagnosis of depression, PTSD and GAD. I started my first psych meds and my new antidepressant put me into hypo mania. My diagnosis then changed from depression to bipolar. After seeing a psych dr for a while I'd get mad at them for something small, go off my meds go up and down for a while and eventually start over at a new doctor and therapist, all the while having about 6 short hospital stays for attempted suicide. Right now I am going through one of the times when I'm off my meds and in between doctors, but it's not because I got mad. I signed up for my new ACA insurance so I have to see a new doctor. And I'm off my meds partially because of some horrible GI symptoms I've been having since August 2013 and mostly because I convinced myself that maybe I'm not really bipolar. Maybe I'm fine. Well, I'm not fine right now. I'm going through what I feel is a mixed episode or maybe rapid cycling. We live with my grandma right now for financial reasons and she is very old school. She is very critical, but she has the best intentions. But what I'm struggling with is she says these things to me like: "you just don't do enough" or "you are so lazy" or "you let your husband do too much for you" when I'm in a depressive state, which makes me feel guilty and then infuriated that she would make me feel that way. And she says things like "everyone had mood swings" and "I was depressed once for a week so I know exactly how you feel and it's not that bad". She tries to make me feel like I act like a victim for even calling what I have a mental illness or for the fact that sometimes I need to talk about my past abuse to work through things sometimes. She also says things like "well back in my time, women kept a home and took care of their husbands and kids never complaining of mental health problems. We just dealt with stress better then." Like she's saying I'm not mentally ill I must just be having a little bit of a low point or a little stress which I should be fully capable of picking myself up, dusting myself off and being just fine with no medication or therapy. Right now I'm having numerous crying fits. I'm irritable, angry, sped up, not sleeping, eating practically nothing. Between my moods and my gi symptoms I am literally being thrown between up and down like a rag doll, from minute to minute. Here is my main question about these symptoms: am I experiencing a mixed episode or is this rapid cycling? It seems more like a mixed episode to me, but I have no idea what anyone else has ever been through when it comes to bipolar symptoms, PTSD, GAD, and dealing with people who constantly belittle your illness even though they say they love you. Anyway I don't mind answering any questions, but please be sensitive. I'm not in a great place right now. And in no way is this a complete description of my symptoms and experiences that I feel contribute to my mental health. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
__________________
"I would say any behavior that is not the status quo is interpreted as insanity, when, in fact, it might actually be enlightenment. Insanity is sorta in the eye of the beholder." - Chuck Palahniuk Last edited by Christina86; Feb 22, 2014 at 12:17 PM. Reason: added trigger icon |
![]() Anonymous45023, BadGirlBlues, Mickey4333, Victoria'smom, wing
|
#2
|
|||
|
|||
![]() I'm so sorry to hear about your past and present abuse and problems. Would your grandma be willing to read a book about mental illness (provided by you)? It sounds like she is totally uninformed and you are really suffering for it. I don't have any advice, i just wanted you to know people are paying attention and wishing you well.
__________________
Bipolar 1 ----------- Lithium 1200mg Aplenzin 526mg Seroquel 800mg Xanax 0.5mg |
#3
|
|||
|
|||
Wow, sorry about your past and current struggles. I don't have a great deal of advice. I have been pretty lucky to have a very supporting group of friends and family. One thing I have seen and experienced when it comes to a mental illness it's very hard for people who don't deal with/experience the turmoil and chaos it brings simply can't grasp or understand how it wreaks havoc on our life. Much harder for the old school generation.
One thing I have used in the past is to try an explain a mental illness like you would a physical illness. If you have a heart condition or lets say diabetes...then people are more likely to have a better understanding. It's so much easier to accept a physical illness than a mental one. Only difference in a physical/mental illness is one affects the body and the other affects the brain. Support groups are an excellent choice...surround yourself with people who "understand." Online as well as possibly a local support group that meets on a regular basis. I see that you are in San Diego (I was out there for the first time last year visiting a friend...OMG what a beautiful place.) Here is a link that might help provide some options for you DBSA San Diego | Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance On a positive note, you have made it 28 years with all you have been through. I know it sounds simple, but something to celebrate. Happy early birthday...I have a birthday in March also...the big 44. Wish you all the best...don't be afraid to reach out. I am new to this group as well and I will say that I don't post a great deal, but I read the board several times a day and there are some amazing folks on here that provide wonderful support...sometimes its a comfort just being around people that share/understand what you go through.
__________________
![]() How many Bipolar People does it take to change a light-bulb? It depends on what mood they are in. |
![]() Notnrml85
|
#4
|
||||
|
||||
Hi,
I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you went through all of that, and I'm glad you are here and posting. Welcome
__________________
"Does the body rule the mind, or does the mind rule the body?" "Those who feel the breath of sadness, sit down next to me. Those feel they're touched my madness, sit down next to me. Those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down next to me." |
#6
|
||||
|
||||
So sorry for the cards you've been dealt.
What you're describing sounds like a mixed episode to me. Weird GI symptoms or not, I'd get back on my meds till I can get to a new dr. What you know for sure is moods change, so hang in there till this passes. |
#7
|
||||
|
||||
I'm so sorry for all the past and current problems . I am glad you found this site loads of support here.
Welcome ![]()
__________________
Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
#8
|
||||
|
||||
Welcome to the group. So glad yr reaching out for help. To me it too sounds like mixed episode. I'm bipolar 2 with bpd, anxiety, ptsd and adhd. I find meds to be my best friend. I know that sounds weird but they help me that much. Yr living situation would be very hard to deal with. It's important to have supportive people around you. If yr gma Doesnt understand then maybe she could benefit from reading up about it. As you know mental illness doesnt allow us to pick ourselves up by our boot straps. It's a Chemical imbalance that's out of our control. But we can work trying tocontrol negative feelings. There are tools to help us like therapy and dbt skills that are wonderful at helping us get into wise mind and distress tolerance. You sound like you've been dealing with allot of emotional abuse. That can really hurt our growth. Please be easy on yrself. Feel free to private msg me if you want a friend who will listen. Hugs
Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk |
#9
|
|||
|
|||
I am really sorry to hear about your past and present situation. It sounds like you could be mixed state but honestly I think people put too many labels on things. As I mentioned to my therapist, when I read about bipolar disorder it almost takes away hope. It can feel like a life sentence. There are some things you can't control right now but try to focus on the things you can control such as eating regularly or go out and try to take a walk etc. when I get to this state when EVERYTHING is causing me to get angry or really depressed I try to focus on something positive I can control. Regarding your grandma...I experienced something similar with my father. He tries to give me advice on my disorder even though he knows nothing about it. He thought I did not need meds because I don't run up and down the streets naked??? I just had to accept his ignorance and do what I know us best for me. Though grandma does not want accept your illness right now, it does not mean you should take her advice. Do what you can to help yourself with the resources you have now.
|
#10
|
||||
|
||||
Notrnrm, You are a very strong person. You have survived many very terrible episodes (from little girl till now) and I would say that your strength is what keeps you enduring, fighting and living (surviving) for all your life. Life can be ugly but when you have mood disorders (depression and bipolar), Life is so much worse!! When we are children and being abused by the same people who love us, there isn't a damn thin we can do but to put up with it and go through it. It is my belief that it partly damages our soul
I do not have any advice for you other than stay strong and stay on you meds
__________________
Mickey ![]() |
![]() Notnrml85
|
#11
|
|||
|
|||
Thanks everyone for the responses. I really appreciate the feedback. As far as my relationship with my grandma, I am talking to my husband about if we can now afford to finally get our own place. We are looking into it. I had to call the access and crisis line this am cause my grandma took some stuff out in me that had nothing to do with me, but it felt like she was shredding whatever self confidence I have left. So we are going to be actively searching for a new home.
__________________
"I would say any behavior that is not the status quo is interpreted as insanity, when, in fact, it might actually be enlightenment. Insanity is sorta in the eye of the beholder." - Chuck Palahniuk |
#12
|
|||
|
|||
So, just a quick question... When people aren't educated about mental illness, do they think if you are mentally ill, then you must be a bad person? Cause I'm struggling with trying to find a friend that wants to hang out with me one on one more than twice. I feel like I must be a miserable person to be around for no one besides my husband, to ever want to spend time with me. I feel like being bipolar has either made me into a horribly irritating person or I'm just like that because it's part of my personality. Where is the line between where your personality ends and your mental illness begins? Does anyone really know if what they are experiencing is "really them" or just because of their diagnosis?
__________________
"I would say any behavior that is not the status quo is interpreted as insanity, when, in fact, it might actually be enlightenment. Insanity is sorta in the eye of the beholder." - Chuck Palahniuk |
Reply |
|